To those who want their ex's back but finding it difficult

[lgirl]

Rickster, my exbf DID NOT beat me (ever), i was making an analogy – obviously a poor one as you didn't get it! and no i don't want him back – i just miss 'him', the guy i thought i knew. we are 3,500 miles apart and i'm finding it hard to get 'closure'. what makes it so hard is that we had something so special that just went spectacularly wrong right at the end; he became a different person overnight.

 

the point i'm trying to make about pride and dignity is if you don't show any, how is she going to respect you? if you don't respect yourself, how can anyone else? she's certainly not showing you any respect by talking toyou about her new man. no respect for your feelings or what you had together. doesn't that strike you as wrong?

 

also, not showing any pride or dignity kind of comes off as desperate and no one likes that. think about it... and don't be in such a rush to get her back at any cost. you shouldn't have to work so hard. that's one thing i've learned – if you have to work hard or you're struggling, then it's not going to work, period. love isn't about pain or doubt or struggling – or waiting for them to realise you're the one...

[pocky_biscuz]

OMG, if i had come to this site earlier i would have been more better off. I too want my ex back.......i'm trying the whole NC thing but i caved in after almost 2 weeks. It was Thanksgiving in Cananda and so i sent him an e-card. I also emailed him.....the contents were more or less like How have you been etc. He hasn't email me back yet. Also called him and he said he's busy.....watching hockey and will talk to me later, hang up. I dunno what to do anymore!!!! More NC?????? I just can't help thinking about him~! He's my first boyfriend too. We've been dating foyears. From the time apart and lossing him made me realize how much i love him. What should i do?!!!

[lgirl]

Rina_apple, he'd rather watch hockey than speak to you (how can a person be 'busy' watching hockey, c'mon!!), he was casual and non-committal about talkng to you and he hasn't bothered to reply to your e-card? sorry to say, but you have your answer right there! he's obviously not up for making any effort with you right now (if at all) and you clearly don't figure high on his list of priorities (you're way down on the list AFTER hockey!!), so in your case i'd advise NC – to protect yourself. you have already tried to contact him and he hasn't bothered to respond, so give him some space and leave him to it, HARD though that is. how about him realising how much he loves you? don't chase him (you shouldn't have to). and don't do NC hoping to get him back. it doesn't work like that. just take some time out and leave him be.

 

hang on in there!!

[Rickster]

lgirl, I used to think like how you think. I used to say that she's not giving me any respect because when I ask her about where she is or what she's doing she would simply reply in my bf house. I went berserk that she was in her bf house. But then again you go all crazy over it, that you don't realise the fact, yes she doesn't love me and she loves him, so obviously she would go and be with her new bf. If I go all crazy about it now, she wouldn't talk to me. You have to understand that she has a new bf and accept that fact that she loves him, but this is my way of trying to be friends with her again, ever since I told her that I wanted to commit suicide she started getting afraid of me and didn't want to talk to me.

 

In fact Im going to call her now. Not talk to her since Sunday. So Im still following my plan.

[pocky_biscuz]

But l've learned not to over analize things...it just could mean he's watching hockey. he is not obligated to talk to me. How could he be ok about it and go about his lonely lonely life? i know his friends......i found out all he did during the long weekend was watch cartoons and do homework. NO on even bother inviting him over for turkey. I know he sounds like a loser but i LOVE him!...........just wish there are ways to reel him back to me......i'm so desperate....and i know guys hate that.

[Rickster]

Rina, you are right. I used to think that when my ex said shes doing work I wouldn't believe her because she just wanted me off the phone with her. But irrespective of whether it is true or not, just believe it. Your ex needs that space. But now when she says shes busy then I would say goodbye.

 

I just called her and she sounded really different. Different from before. Its working. SHe really thinks of me as a true friend, expecially after Sunday when we went out as a group of friends. Guess she realised. Our conversation was like what it used ot be before, except for all the I love you's and all the sweet things she would say and also we talked for a short time like 3 mins. So I guess it's getting better

[pocky_biscuz]

I wish i could be like that.........i hate the distance. We used to do so much together and enjoy each other's company. It's easier said than done when it comes to things like these. It makes me resent my friends who are in relationships right now. Sometimes i feel they are mocking me because i have a failed relationship. I really want him back. I've been googling non-stop in ways to win him back...........it's killing me.

[lgirl]

hey Rickster, i guess we'll have to agree to disagree she is blatantly showing you disrespect talking to you like that, but if you can't see it or don't care, that's your choice. from an entirely objective point of view, it sounds like she's trying to keep you at arm's length (3 mins is all she had to spare on the phone? that's an improvement?), she's probably worried if she upsets you, you might get suicidal again (sorry to hear about that, by the way. hope it wasn't over her). she has made it clear she loves her new bf, so why do you want to be a part of that? this is where your pride and dignity should kick in... she's moved on – you should let her be instead of hanging on for the few crumbs she might spare you. sorry if that sounds harsh, but i think you should leave her to it. if you two are meant to be together, you will, irrespective of anything you do. i think your current behaviour is actually pushing her away…but that's just my opinion, okay?

 

Rina_apple – i guess i'm more sensitive than you! if i made all that effort to get in touch with my ex and he was too "busy" watching hockey to bother to talk to me, find out how i was etc, and i knew he had nothing else to do or friends to see, i'd take that very personally. it's not over-analysing; it's being realistic. look at all the effort you've made and he's too busy watching TV? you're going out of your mind worrying about things with him and what has he done to show you he cares?

 

actions speak louder than words!!

 

good luck both of you!!

[Rickster]

haha lgirl, I actually do feel better. Maybe it's the fact that you don't know how she used to treat me before compared to now. Everything takes time. Friendships and relationships don't just take 2 seconds. And the fact that we both go to different schools and have different friends and don't go and see the same times together we don't have much to say. Yes I was suicidal over her and this made her afraid of talking and meeting me.

 

She now knows Im not suicidal. After all this (if you've read all my posts before but I'll summarise it here) showing to friends and showing her and talking on the phone to her differently, Ive made her think Im not that person anymore. She said she had to go, whether it could be her bf telling her this, or whether she was truly busy, or whether she had to go for dinner, it doesn't matter I respect whatever she does. If I were to say no you can't go does that improve my chances in her actually being friends with me. She might not show respect to me now, but later when we are closer friends she would. She might not see me as a genuine friend, but later on after a few more friendly phone calls, she probably would. If she didn't show any respect to me, would she pick up my calls? Would she ask me a few questions when I did call her?

 

Plus, friends talk about anything. If she has to talk about her bf, so be it. Slowly she would start to talk about all the things she hates about her bf. What Im doing now is just being friends with her, starting from the very beginning and see how close as friends we can get. From there you never know that she can love me again. Im not saying at this moment shes going to come back to me, no, it won't work like this. But if there's any chance of being together you have to start from being friends again. True?

 

Im looking at it very differently from a different perspective. I would think what I would do in her position and then apply it to me. I guess everyone is either looking at it to do NC and move on and don't care about your ex, or where you feel all depressed and can't move on. Im glad its working for me. That 3 mins next time might be 5. And you never know that I will get to see her again. And Im getting stronger, and still being her friend

[lgirl]

well Rickster, i've got to say i admire your perserverance in the face of her ongoing rejection of you – any one else would take the 'hint', but you seem to be determined to be in a friendship with her, regardless of the fact that she's not giving you any real/clear signs that this is what she wants. but you're going to do it anyway. working up in small increments, a minute at a time, so that maybe you can push a call with her from 3 mins to 5mins – you call that an improvement? working so hard to maybe get an extra minute of her time. wow!!

 

don't you think all that energy you're using planning to make her see you're worthy of being her friend would be better spent finding someone you don't have to convince to be with you?

 

i think you shld really try and put yrself in her shoes, really think about how you're coming accross to her. how you wld feel if it was the other way around and you met someone new and yr ex went suicidal on you, but you wanted to move on, not be in the r/shp with them anymore. how would you feel if she was determined to be yr friend?

 

this is going to sound harsh, but i mean it in a 'tough love' way, but she is probably just being nice to you when you call b/c she feels sorry for you now and doesn't want to set off yr suicidal feelings again. hence the brevity of the conversations, the constant refs to her new bf to remind you she's moved on. does she ever call you? seek you out?

 

you are clearly a man on a mission, who will not be deterred. i'm glad you're feeling better, but i think you're bordering on obsessional about her.

[Rickster]

For now, Ill accept even being friends. Ive heard many people on these forums saying that their ex won't talk to them. Im lucky she does talk to me and she does ask questions and she does reply them in a way that she doesn't mind talking to me. And we kind of joke around and laugh here and there. Surely this does sound like friends, doesn't it.

 

Isn't it when you work hard it pays off. Ive noticed that whenever you work hard in something you'll get results. Doesn't matter how fast but sooner or later you'll get there. Whatever efforts you put in will return back to you. And Im very determined. When she broke up with me, I told myself that Im not going to give up, and this is what I have left of me.

 

My pride is in my relationship with her. Energy wasted to talk to her for me currently is like a bonus. As in all relationships and friendships, it requires work. Im persistent because of my pride.

 

Friends are friends. If I were in her shoes I would still be friends, even though if I was with someone else. Is there any harm of creating new friends? The more the merrier.

 

Nah she doesn't talk to me about her bf currently. But if she did I wouldn't mind listening. I believe that when people start talking about personal thigns to you, they trust you, they trust you with the information they are giving and they trust you as a person. They can only trust you if you are friends with them right. Im trying to get closer to her. If she does start talking to me about thigns like her bf or any other personal things I wouldn't mind listening, it shows she trust me and sooner will be even closer friends. Why would it hurt me to know that she trust me even more? Plus I don't believe she is talking to me nicely so that Im not going to go all suicidal. Because when I was all suicidal, she would reject me, and she said it herself she was afraid of being and seeing me. So if I called her now, why does she pick up?

 

 

I like what you say, makes me think from all angles. Hopefully you don't see this as an argument.

[lgirl]

hey Rickster, i definitely don't see this as an argument!! haha. just an exchange of views but you have got me a bit worried. your determination to be her friend no matter how long it takes or what she says and does doesn't sound very healthy (sorry!). the bit i'm struggling with is you said "and sooner will be even closer friends". it sounds like you are trying to indirectly force the issue with her; you will persist no matter what. that's a bit sinister, to be honest and suggests shades of stalkersville to me. you are very definitely obsessed (is how you're coming accross); a man with a plan; a man who won't take 'no' for an answer. something about what you have been saying just doesn't sound right to me.

 

i guess we will have to agree to disagree.

[Rickster]

Well ya. Im quite obssessed. That's what my sister told me too. Well, it's good and bad that I'm obssessed. Its good because, it makes me work harder, but its bad because Im indirectly forcing something. But I don't think I stalk her, I don't follow her around and stuff, and I don't ask her where she is and what she is doing and all sorts like that. I believe that (and this goes for everyone) if you really love the other person you'll be just as determined as me.

 

And Im really taking a different approach to getting her back. Everyone on this forum only believes in NC. And I said before if you really want your ex back, only do NC to a certain extent. And I believe at this moment I need to be her friend, a close friend. There's no point running to her now and saying that I love her so much, she's not going to care. I guess everyone's situation is abit different. She couldn't carry on being with me because I moved to a different country to study (but I moved back). It's just something which I saw in her eyes on Sunday that told me she still thought about me. It was weird. Cause I saw her and it was kind of awkward. And then my girl friends(not gf) started talking about guys and someone brought up the topic of her sister's bf cross stitched something for her sister and she didn't believe it because he didn't look like the guy to cross stitch. And the second she said that, I could see my gf's face and eyes really differently and I could tell she was thinking of what I did (I made her a hard cover book with reasons why I love her, and Im not a crafty person). And during that day she was like smiling and laughing and stuff like that so I believe she hasn't forgotten about me.

 

And of course Ive got to make her believe Im a worthy friend. Because she doesn't love me being suicidal. She loves me for the person I was before, not when Im suicidal. Currently I have to show it to her that Im that person before, and I really am. When you said "energy would be better spent on finding someone you don't have to convince to be with you", for me I don't do it it's because I really love her, and I was proud to be with her, so Im not going to destroy that pride.

 

Im a man with a plan, and it's working. I don't believe Im actually feeling more happy, but Im. Im not the happiest. But at times I think very pesimistic, so that when she does something nice to me I feel so happy about it.

 

By the way, you said earlier that "does she ever call you", ya like 3 times. One of them I screwed it up(was about computers), the other I was late to pick up(but it was something other than computers), and the other she asked me about a cd. I used to think that she was just using me for my computer knowledge. But then again I thought about it from a different perspective. If she had really hated me, would you think she would call me? Plus Im sure some of her friends must know about computers, even if she didn't have friends who know about computers she could always ask the sales man at the counter.

[pocky_biscuz]

You guys are so lucky......at least the friendship thing is working you. I on the other had a turn for worst. So when he didn't reply my emails and msn msg...i called him up an no answer. I left a msg. And told one of out mutal friends about why he's acting this way. It turns out that he emailed this friend of ours a rough draft of a nasty email stating that if i didn't leave him alone he would take legal actions or something. I was just stunned. I didn't think he would go this far. I believed that he was a decent rational guy despite what my and his friends told me. But i was wrong. I have lost all hopes for getting back together. He said he is not obligated to accept my offer of friendship (he was the one who proposed it first) and it will take YEARS for us to establish a friendship so he says. I was just in aw at how this guy is doing this to me. I mean, i did NC for 2 weeks....all i did was a friendly email and then he found a new excuse to hate me. YES he used the hate word. Apparently because i call him up to talk about why he's avoiding me.......he hates me so much that we cannot be friends whatsoever. I don't f*&*ing care any more. I just give up. There's no point in trying to get him back. Now i'm just doing NC so i won't get hurt anymore. And slowly trying to recover.

[L8RISER]

When you experience a loss or an event that cause severe grief you go through a number of emotional stages. The first stage is denial; "Cancer? I can't have cancer, I'm perfectly healthy!" It's normal to go through this. Some people, however, get stuck in this stage and don't progress to the final stage - acceptance. It is not healthy to stay in denial. Very unhealthy.

 

I'm going to go against what some people will tell you, and what you want to hear: She does NOT want to be with you. She dumped you. She is NOT sending you secret signals that she wants to get back together. She is probably well aware that you want to be back with her. If she wanted to get back together as well, then why wouldn't she just say that? She hasn't forgotten you? Of course not, she does have a memory. She might miss you, but that does not mean she wants to come back to you. She wants to stay friends, and she continues to call you? I did exactly the same thing when I dumped someone for the first time. Did I want to be back together? NO, I did it out of guilt. I felt bad for the other person, and wanted to cushion the blow somehow. In the end, I led them on and extended the pain. You are NOT lucky that she still talks to you. Do yourself a favour and find some space and distance.

 

You CANNOT be your ex's friend (yet), especially a close friend. You are still in love with her. You can't be a true friend when you are in love with the other person because that love controls how you interact with them. If she told you how happy she was with a new guy, how would you feel? A real friend would be happy for her, but I think you would feel differently. You want to feel like she trusts you, and yet you have a hidden plan to get back together? Is that friendship? STOP FOOLING YOURSELF!

 

Your situation is NOT unique...read the other posts- THEY'RE ALL THE SAME! We've all gone through being dumped. It's life, it happens. Learn your lessons and go on living. I'm not trying to "beat" you up. My advice is aimed to help you out (but you might not see that at the moment.) There is no situation in the world that someone else has not already gone through. The advice from people here was often learned the hard way, we've been there before. But it might be the kind of thing you have to learn the hard way.

 

No amount of planning, affection, friendship, or love will ever control another person's emotions. On the other hand, those things can control your own emotions. You truly want to be happy? I suggest that your ex is not the method to achieve that. That road lies within you. Stop living for your ex, and start living for yourself. The only guaranteed returned love is love you give to yourself. Stop wasting it.

[lgirl]

that's what i've been trying to tell you Rickster, in not so many words!!! take heed and leave her be. your obsession with being her friend masks yr inability to see where yr exgf is coming from. she has made it clear (tho not to you b/c you're denying it to yrself) that she does not want yr friendship or to be with you – she has a new bf for one thing!! it's obvious she feels very guilty about you getting suicidal over her, but that doesn't mean she cares or wants you in her life in whatever capacity (sorry!!).

 

you cannot be friends with her while you harbour such obsessive (delusional) thoughts about her. you cannot force her to be friends with you, but this is what you're trying to do, whether you admit it or not, that's how it's coming accross. and it isn't healthy at all. let her go – totally. i am not being judgemental about you – i know what it is to feel desperate like that, but you must salvage yr pride and give her and yrself some space.

 

i could go on, but i think L8RISER has summed it up perfectly. good luck!

[Southern_Belle]

L8RISER: Your post answers some of my questions I had for almost 3 weeks.

My ex wanted to stay as a friend and still wants to be. I didn't want to be just 'friends', but after an awkward bumping-into-each-other I thought we need to spend sometime together and feel comfortable to each other. I didn't want to feel awkward everytime I see him on the street. (We go to the same school, thus have not-so-low chance to bump into each other.) So I agreed to have lunch with him this weekend, but he's not telling me when to meet yet. =(

When I agreed to have lunch with him he seemed(it was an email, but you know what I mean) pretty excited about it, so I began to have my hope up. But after reading your post, I think that maybe he was just feeling guilty b/c he guessed how much I suffered after the breakup. He just wanted me to feel comfortable with him, nothing more. =( How stupid I am!

We used together a lot, and that's how I became a dancer(not a professional one, but one who enjoys dancing a lot!). Today there's benefit dance at my school, so I'm gonna go there, and I would miss him, not him himself, but dancing with him. But I want to face and overcome that feeling. I should be able to find other people who I can dance with and have fun. Or is it too soon for me to confront that kind of pain?

(You can read my story in another post if you are ever interested. )

[Rickster]

I will never know if she still cares about me, that is in her mind and heart. No-one will know about it only her. Yes she tells me that shes spending time with her bf but as a friend Ill accept. Do you think if I go now telling her I want her back she will want me? After what Ive put her through (making her worried that I might pass away). I made my breakup worst by being suicidal, and pestering her. Do remember, she loved me very much. She left me because I was far away, I can only blame myself for it. I cannot read from her mind that she still cares about me or still loves me.

 

And today I called her. We talked for a long time, and she sounded just like herself. I didn't know how long we talked for, but it was long. I don't want to disrespect her, that would mean disrespecting my friendship with her.

 

Another point I put forward from some friend of mine who has such a bright mind. He told me "I don't think she thinks of you like that(suicidal) or else she wouldn't be here". And he does make sense. He always comes out with the best things to say.

 

She is well aware that I want to get back with her... as a friend. I talk with her very mutually. I never talk about relationships, anything to do with her bf, or harm her relationship with her bf. I just talk about whats going on. Like what I do with other friends. Exactly the same.

 

She will not say that she wants me back, why? Well, we aren't super close friends yet. I know as I love her I cannot be a close friend and that my emotion will play a part. But that is why I have to call her as a friend, and I feel like Im a true friend. I do not want to feel that she trusts me, I want her to trust me trully. I wouldn't call this a plan. But I would say that Im getting myself back together in the right way. In a way that will let nature work for itself after Im her close friend.

 

I cannot say that without my ex Im happy, nor can I say that at the moment Im at the happiest in my life. Im only happy when shes with me. I can say people give up very easily especially in break ups. That's because you guys feel so sad about it. I was sad before. You guys are so sad about it that made you do silly things that pushed you further away and in the end you feel even more sad about it that you just give up and don't want to think about it and that's why you do NC. I was one of them. But I looked at it differently. Is there not one thing in your lives that you guys truly want? And you would do anything it takes to get it, it doesn't have to be relationships, but anything. Why am I trying to loose a friend(I enjoyed her companionship even long before we got together). You have to look at it at a different angle. Im sure everyone can be friends, it just takes time and effort. And because you feel so sad about it and it will take alot of time and effort you guys give up. The more people talk down on what Im doing, it really makes me more determined to do better. If I definitely knew that later I could be with her, will there be effort put in? It is like 'The Matrix', why do you think the oracle told the one is isn't the one? If he knew he was the one, would he even try? He wouldn't have gone in and saved his friends.

[fIIsion]

If you truly love your ex then let her go.

You talk of being friends with her, close friends, but your intention is still to get back together, thereforeeee you are not really being her friend.

The people who have given you advise, including myself are not talking you down, the advise given is just from are own experiences of break-ups.

You need to give yourself space away from your ex to be able to understand your feelings.

You may well become her close friend eventually, in fact so close that she could never feel anything more for you.

 

Your determination is becoming obsessional, you say that you only feel happy around her, but true happiness is found within.

[Rickster]

Why is everyone telling me to let her go when Im her friend? What makes you guys say she does not want to be my friend? I fully understand she has a bf and Im not showing any signs of hatred. There can't be harm done when Im her friend. I feel like I have given time away from her, which I said before, I gave 2 weeks of total NC, and I thought about what I was doing wrong, and I feel like I have enough of NC and Im over the depression stages. NC is not going to get me anywhere. If you don't do anything, your not going to make mistakes but it's also not going to get you what you want.

 

I understand my feelings. I understand even that what I do now, it's not definitely going to get my ex back, but atleast Im friends with her and no one will ever know when we are friends, she might love me again. I hide my love away from her and her friends. I sound like Im only her friend, and that's because Im not scared that she has another bf or that she talks about him in front of me, and Im not depressed. There is a difference between boyfriend and a boy friend. Im sure she can accept me as a boy friend. I know she has a bf. When I was with her I have girl friends, the difference is one you love one you only have as a friend.

 

I now know that Im obssessed with her and that is what Im doing wrong. But thats why I do not call her everyday. Proper friendship doesn't happen overnight, it takes time and Im giving all that time. Im combining hard work and time to let it work for itself. Im still determined. If you are feeling happier why do you want to stop feeling happy? Im feeling happy about what Im doing, its not the happiest Ive been. What could be wrong with feeling happy, that would make me want to do the opposite thing? I still don't understand why people are telling me to NC her.

The only thing that struck me was that "how can I be her friend when I love her". I agree, it's true. Somehow I feel like Im her friend. Im confused now after that being said, but it seems like Im going the right way. She is talking to me, and Im feeling happier and stronger as time passes on. Maybe it's because Ive really moved on, but Im her friend.

[dzadze]

I think Rickster is a real gentleman, and he shouldn't move on.

 

Usually when a problem arises there are two routes people take

1) the easy way out

2) find a better alternative

 

Most people want the easy way out of No Contact, and like in some other postings and Rick also mention. I also believe a definate no contact is if you never want to get back with them again. Each person's case is different.

 

But when your ex tell you, If you reallie love me, than let me be happy.. IT freaking hurts inside, like a knife through the heart.... But if you reallie love that person and care for them, you would still care for them, even if they go and get a new bf/gf.... This is what I believe a relationship/friendsihp is all about.

 

Rick is doing the right thing as a gentleman. We both know how much it hurts when our ex mention "my new bf, my new gf" after we brake up ..... Rick is strong to be able to sit there and actually listen, but he has a very strong argument. That not all relationship is perfect, and your ex opening up to you is a very good thing...... After reading what Rick posted, I really admire what he is doing to maintain a friendship level with his ex... I will try by best to do the same, the least you can do is be there for them...... How many guys/girls can do this after breakup and your ex goes and date someone else???? NOT MANY !!! Why?? Because its very very very hard !!!

 

 

My friend mention: You cannot forget someone, you can only see them different. My recommendation for all of you is, still love your ex if you do, don't force yourself into not loving them, that is hard

- Acknowledge that you are not together anymore

- Accept the facts

 

 

SO Rick !!! GOod job, keep posting

[Rickster]

dzadze - thanks, I don't feel so confused now cause someone agrees with me. I guess everyone is different has different situations. Not everyone is best suited for what Im doing or NC. I have taken the second route. It was damn tough for me earlier, but Im fine now.

[polaris]

I want Rickster to continue simply to see how things pan out! Seriously, I'm intrigued by this approach, and I can certainly see the appeal, and I'm genuinely unsure, if you want your ex back, whether this, or a more prolonged initial period of no contact, is the best way of going about that.

 

I guess one obvious drawback of this is that it undoubtedly hampers your ability to move on, to find other people, to let go of all feelings related to your ex, but if you're determined that you want her back, and will never want anyone else instead, then I guess that's not such a drawback.

 

So, carry on Rickster! You're doing a public service for us here.

[Rickster]

Well guess what, she sent me 4 texts today. It was like regarding some english words she didn't know and she told me the reason for it later(We're both from Asia but Im English educated where else her first language is Chinese). So I was thinking wow, Im not the only person in this country who can speak proper English, she could have text anyone else, but she chose me. And the thing that made me more happy is that I was pesimistic when thinking about what returns I might get back, so it made me even more happy.

 

I feel that after I did this, Im starting to feel like myself, like the person I used to be, a funny, joker, and a happy chappy.

[lgirl]

"at least Im friends with her and no one will ever know when we are friends, she might love me again. I hide my love away from her and her friends. I sound like Im only her friend... I now know that Im obssessed with her and that is what Im doing wrong."

 

Rickster, read your own words!!! you are obsessed. you are forcing things. you are lying to yourself. you know what you are doing is wrong. please leave her alone – for your own sake.