Backing off Vs. Fighting

[PartlySunny]

Well, I guess it really depends on the circumstances of the break up.

 

I don't know what your situation is, but in my case, I broke up with my boyfriend. And frankly, I refuse to be the one to break the no contact. Why? Because he is the one who deeply hurt and caused damaged to me and our relationship. As far as I'm concerned, the responsibility is on him to come to me and make reparations. I know he loves me, I know he wants us to continue, I know I am the one who told him to leave. BUT.. he lied to me, and he cheated on me. He is in no position to be pissed off at me for breaking things off, for getting angry at me because I yelled at him to get out of my house.

 

Again, this is only my situation, I have no idea what yours is. But, as I see it, the person who screwed up the relationship should be the one to eat humble pie and stick their neck out to break the no contact, and do what it takes to fix things.

[Jaela]

Wow PartlySunny, I'm sorry to hear what happened. I find it kind of ironic he's the one telling you to never contact him again, when he's the one who messed up so badly. Hold strong girl. I agree you should not be the one to initiate contact. After what he's done, would you consider going back to him?

[PartlySunny]

Only if he was willing to get help with me. In any other circumstances, I'd tell the guy to f*** off, but we really had a wonderful thing between us and had planned to get married (been together since 12/03).. so I would be willing to do what it takes - and that would involve counseling. But he would have to be really willing to do the work involved.

 

Otherwise, no go. I'm not willing to just forget it and go back to the way things were.

 

Basically what happened was, I ordered him to leave my house then I sent him an angry email, then I dropped off a letter saying I didn't even think we could be friends, apparently only no contact would work.

 

He emailed me back claiming he didn't read one word of my letter (except that I'm sure he did), and to not ever email or send him letters again. So, basically, angry that I broke up with him and didn't want anything to do with him anymore.

[Juha]

Goofy,

 

What if they break up with you and now are going out with someone else???

 

Why stay around??? Why be there for them if they want you???

 

Why show you are willing to be 2nd best at least for now....It makes no sense to be around for them when they are with another person and can have you to lean on when they need it....

 

You need to heal and they need to see that their decisions have consequences...IF they call and you are there for them that is not good and it will hurt you more than help...

 

I believe in fighting for your love but only if they are willing to see that you are fighting for it....

[Goofy7878]

Sunny,

the guy doesn't seem to great, and i (for what it's worth totally agree with you) about not wanting to be the one, to start the ball rolling again. If he is the one who lied and was less than wonderful to you, then he is the one who should FIGHT to get you back. As for him telling you not to contact him, what a piece of s*#t.

 

My situation is different, she is not dating anyone, and no ill feelings have ever been exchanged. I love her with everything i am. I am just looking for some type of explanation of why i should treat this differently then a person should treat anything else in life...........if you want it go work you butt off to get it, if you can't get it, your not working hard enough. I have yet to contact her at all, about anything, she is the one who has done the contacting...................and i know that anything i would try could hurt the chance of us getting back together.................................but right now, nc seems so defeitist.

why would a person want to leave somthing like this to chance.........................i mean when most people meet their significant other they don't sit back and wait for it to come to them, they go ask the person out, they show interest, and that confidence and assertiveness is what attracts them, then when things are not going well your supposed to go the opposite direction, from what brought her to you in the first place?

 

MAKES NO SENSE..........[/i]

[Goofy7878]

after spending a bit of time reading posts' about nc, maybe it is the best thing................i mean, the gentleman who writes the "my day to day effort to win her back" post, is apparently a lot stronger than me. The first couples pages seemed like they were brutal to him, I don't think i could do it. and by fighting the current situation, it appears the outcome could be very similar, just friends....................at her conveniance.

[Goofy7878]

anyway thanks to all for the input. Very much appreciated.

[PartlySunny]

Goofy,

 

Could I ask what were the circumstances in your particular situation? What led up to the no contact?

[Goofy7878]

Sunny,

 

UHHH............to make a long story short, we were together for about 2 years, everything was wonderful, i treated her well, probably too well. I time together started to dwindle, she is working on her masters, and i have my business, then one morning she came over with doughnuts (ilovedoughnuts) and said the original and obviously heart felt, "i love you so much", "but i am not in love with you". It was friggen brutal. I told her i in no way wanted to see her or talk to her or be friends. It's odd after someone pulls your heart out of your chest, and pees on it, they want to be friends. Anyway a friend of ours organized a charity floattrip, i told the friend i probably would not attend if she was their, she found out and called. I told her the same no friends, no talkie, no see-e. ............................anyway, she found a reason of some type to call to the day every two weeks till a month ago. That night we had a long coversation which ended in, i miss u, i want to get together and talk, i said "o-kee-do-kee". That was the last i spoke to her. She made plans with me to talk, and then never followed through with any of it. Anyway, the point is (i found out later) she was calling when she was drinking, and a little emotional. But now it's been a month and the fear of her not calling again is weighing quite heavy, I lay in bed at night and think about snuggling, or kissing, or pillow fighting with her one more time, and it's almost enough to convince me i should fight for her cause she is worth it.........however every single person, who has been through this on this site says do the opposite..............i am still so confused.

 

thank you, what about you, have you been through it, or are you currently in it.

[fantasia2004]

I just want to know are they ever doing better than you grass is greener on the other side I mean.

[Goofy7878]

I don't quite understand the question, and yes i believe the grass may be much greener, almost blinding, on the other side.

[normal man]

Goofy. NC isnt giving up. If a girl leaves you the best thing to do is one email stating how you feel and that you want to work it out and such. After that there is nothing else you can do at all. She has made the decision to leave and needs to experience having no word or contact with you to evaluate if she is making the right decision. She already knows you want her back and love her im sure and if she wants to work it out she will leave you a message or an email stating she wants to see you and wants to work it out again.

 

Your example of approaching a girl and showing interest and such in the beginning doesnt apply really. If that girl you approached wasnt interested and you still were crazy for her and kept at it obnoxiously than you'd just look like a jerk. So to show an example in your example. You would show interest and approach and if rejected just say thats fine but if you change your mind ill be over there with my friends and if you change your midn and become interesed than come on over and talk later on.

 

So NC is a way of just realizing that you didnt make the decision to leave and you need to just think of yourself now because yourself is all you can control atm. If the dumper is calling you and you are sticking to NC, if she wants to tell you something she'll leave a message and than you can decide how you want to respond rationally in the situation.

 

Without doing this you'll probably just end up in a heartbreaking battle of trying to express your feelings and the If you loved me why would you just give up and leave pleas. I know because I have experienced a tramatic heart breaking breakup being dumped 3 years ago of a 3 year relationship and than got into another relationship 3 months later which lasted 2 years and she left me last week.

 

I'm going through the same thing as most of the people on this board. I want her back and I called and emailed and pleaded and almost begged and made promises of changing and asking to work it out and than to the angry to the threats to more. All I did was express every emotion I had to her the second I thought of it. I was so out of control with my emotions of pain,anger, depression and it just drove her away and annoyed her because I was hounding her and harashing her just about.

 

I came here and have actually started to think of my situation rationaly for once and know that if I keep up the calls and emails of expressing my love for her I'll just push her further away. It would push her away because I havent given her her own time to evaluate things.

 

believe me man, she told me she wasnt happy and needed to leave so she could be happy and didnt want to waste time in a relationship where she wasnt happy. She didnt want to work it out because she said people dont change and she has changed her life now to do more to be happy. She changed her friends and is hanging out doing different things and shopping and doing things for herself now. It kills me knowing she'll think of me but think of the bad things to keep her strong in her decision to leave. It kills me to not express myself and try to get those bad thoughts out of her head, but it is impossible to change someones mind about something like this.

 

Doing NC seems like the best thing for me right now, and I'm telling you my story so you might see how fighting can become pushing them away.

[sorryJason]

Yeah, I have heard the "people don't change" line from my ex, which is total crap, I mean if they have changed into different people, why can't you? The dumpers usually have made up their mind a long time before they break up with you, and they have made up a bunch of reasons(or excuses) to stay away from you, and nothing you ever do can change their minds. Dumpers need to remember the bad times, so they can convince themselves to stay away. (In some cases this is a good thing)

 

So you know what, change yourself, for you, not for someone who doesn't want you anymore, but for someone who will really appreciate you for who you are and is ready for a mature relationship where you deal with each others problems, and are ready to deal with challenges in life and in your relationship, there are some people still out there that are like this, real people who don't give up at the first sign of problems.

 

When people break up with you, tell yourself, screw them, they made the mistake, the fault is on them, they will have to live the rest of their lives thinking about what might have happened, if they would have only given you another chance. You don't have to live with that at all! You can be free now, never wondering what might have been, because you gave it your best shot, don't get dragged into the thinking that they will come back to you, it is their decision, if they want you back they will have to be the ones to call you, not you calling them, it only makes you look like you haven't moved on, which you should.

 

Hope this helps.

[roxy79]

Perfectly put sorryjason. Perfectly put. I aplaud you.