Turning gay?

[UT]

I read an interesting thing on another topic and started thinking. I've actually thought about it earlier about it, actually on the bus yesterday.

 

However, you know when I kinda found out that I was gay it was like a "transmutation”. First I liked girls (I had been thought that boy and girls belonged together) and slowly started liking boys more and more. Can it be that one might have made a mistake? Miss intrepid their feelings and thought they were gay. That would be my worst fear. Because I have put so much time, tears into accepting who I am and I this isn't discovered until a year or two from now. All the misery I could put my parents through. first to accept me as homo and then just come back and say "hehe, mom! Ermm... I was straight after all"

 

I don't have any attraction towards women anymore and haven't had for quite some time. But do you guys/girls think this could be possible or do you yourself have experience/thought about this?

[SarCareBear]

in my opinion, its all about the person.

 

meaning, i wouldn't entirely rule out the possibility that you could meet and become attracted to a woman. i say this be/c i like you spent a long time liking guys, but eventually accepted that 95% of my attractions seemed to go to girls. however i have had some intense feeligns for a couple of guys so, there's always that window of possibility.

[nuts]

god its like you're in my head! i think the exact same thing. for a long time now i have slowly come to the realisation that i am very into guys. yet i cant deny the part of me that still likes girls. i used to think that bisexuality was for people who were confused or denying their homosexuality. now i know... its more complicated than that.

 

its because of this that i find myself asking the same questions as you. i dont want to convince myself that i could swing both ways and then when i actually start a relationship with a guy... cant bring myself to do it.

 

so i asked myself something. ive never been in love before, but i know i *could* fall in love with a girl. i asked myself if i could fall in love with a guy... just thinking about it was a big overwhelming yes. i suggest you ask yourself the same. think about a few years down the road. when you see yourself in someones arms - whos is it?

[amour_13]

So do you think its possible to be in love with a girl, but not actually be a lesbian or bi? Just curious...

 

I have these same feelings also. I am very much into my girlfriend and occasionally look at other girls however have only been seriously attracted to one other girl besides my girlfriend. At the same time, I sometimes check out guys too. I dont know who I see myself with down the road... i hope with my g/f now... and if not, then I have no clue. Is that bad?

[UT]

Well, I've been in love... had crushes but never on a girl. I think I'm pretty sure that I'm gay but still. Whenever I fantasise I see myself with a guy. I don't know about a few years down the road. I'm still rather young. I don't have much experience. I've never been in a relationship beyond friendship neither with a girl nor with a guy.

 

Well, once a bunch of years ago at summer camp I did get a girlfriend but that was like the day before we were to go home. I had barely had any contact with her before "we got together." the relationship didn't give me anything so to speak. I only said yes when she asked me because it was customary that a boy and a girl got together.

[wolverine_2000mx]

I think it's not only the attraction you can have, maybe it's something that you feel for a person, I mean, I like guys a lot to, but a couple of years ago there was this pretty girl that made me feel confused, she was nice with me, and I'm pretty sure she has a crush on me.

 

I consider myself bi, since then, but in fact, I feel more atracted to boys than to girls, so I think it depends of the person.

[playfull06]

I feel the same way. I still check out guys and think they are hott and stuff, but I love my girlfriend and also check out girls. I am scared to actually label myself a lesbian because I don't want to do that to my parents or anybody else. I have thought I am bi but... who knows. I know where you are coming from though. It's tough. I guess it all just comes down to the person as everyone else has said.

[SarCareBear]

idk why, but this little "trick" kind of helps me guage my sexuality, to a small degree at least...

 

when you're watching a movie with a romantic plot or subplot, there's always that guy and girl who are destined to get together... which is the one that YOU want to be with???

 

ps. mine's almost always the woman.

 

 

and another one -

 

who is the LAST person you are thinking about as you go to sleep (excluding like, your sick grandma)... sorry to tell you, that's your crush...

[pianoguy]

I have to admit that bisexuality is somewhat confusing to me, and according to the studies I've read true bisexuality is quite rare- something like 2% of the population. So I'm a little skeptical when I come into this forum and almost everyone says they're bi.

 

I think maybe the reason so many people think they're bisexual is because love, especially romantic love is somewhat confusing and easily confused with lust and platonic love.

 

My theory is this: Romantic love is gender dependent, whereas lust and platonic love are not. I'm not foolish enough to try and define romantic love, but for purposes of discussion let's say it's something like sexual attraction plus very deep platonic love plus magical something. I submit that gay people will only fall romantically for the same gender and straight people will only fall romantically for the other gender, with no crossover except for the very small percentage of bisexual people.

 

Platonic love, or brotherly love, can often feel like romantic love. You become extremely close to the other person, knit your soul to theirs, and in some ways become dependent on them. The difference is that there isn't that spark, that feeling that makes your heart flutter when the beloved passes by. You can have platonic love for anybody regardless of gender.

 

Lust is even more confusing, and I think it gets a bad rap in our society. I don't think lust is bad, it can lead to romantic love, but it is important to distinguish between the two and it can be very difficult. This is something that I have huge problems with myself. With lust we DO get that spark or heart flutter when we are in the presense of the beloved, and we often spend time fantasizing about him/her when he/she is absent.

 

To me the distinguishing factors are- with romantic love we dwell on thoughts of the loved one for weeks, months, maybe even years on end when they are absent, whearas lust is fleeting. Romantic love won't develop until we know the person extremely well as a friend wheras lust can develop and fade instantly. Generally the last person you think of at night is someone you are in love with (if you are in love with somebody). Romantic love is love of the total person but especially their personality.

 

I think lust can cross gender barriers but romantic love does not. I've heard tales of straight people who lust after the same gender and some gay people who lust after people of the opposite gender, but I've never really heard of authentic romantic love crossing these barriers.

 

These of course are just my theories and I'm interested to see what people think of them.

[UT]

I have to admit that bisexuality is somewhat confusing to me, and according to the studies I've read true bisexuality is quite rare- something like 2% of the population. So I'm a little skeptical when I come into this forum and almost everyone says they're bi.

 

People around here don't come because they know they are bisexual but because they often are confused about what they are. They have mixed emotions and don't know what to do. Most of them are probably in an early stage of realising that they are homosexual. They are discovering themselves. Finding out that you are homosexual isn't an overnight change but a process. You are slowly "turning gay" and part of it would be feeling like you might be bisexual. That's probably why most are asking if they are bisexual.

 

There are many different ways of being bisexual. All depending on how you define bisexual and homosexual. The 2% you're talking about are probably the ones who are 50-50.

[Dau]

pianoguy: Wow, I really like your explanation of love. In my current situation with my best friend (which you can read more about under the My Best Friend topic.. quite a read), if your theories are correct then I'm definitely romantically in love with him, and he's at least platonically in love with me.

 

'Brotherly' love is always what he tells me, yet I've admitted to being in love with him. It's complicated. He often gives me mixed signals, saying that we should stop acting all loving, and the next minute he's telling me he loves me without saying on what level.

 

I suppose what you mean by lust is that lust is a crush, whereas romantic love is real love. But onto UT's situation: it may be hard to make a decision on who you really are. All you can do is follow your feelings and try not to hide them from yourself. As a teenager gets older they discover things about themselves and others they never thought possible.

 

Being a teenager is about learning, and developing. For those of us who are still questioning our true sexual identity, time will cause it to settle. But one thing you must do is listen to your feelings, otherwise you'll never understand yourself and you'll still be questioning.

 

Lately I've been wondering how much I like women anymore, because feelings for women have been dying in me, and I think that I'll eventually be gay, not bi. I think I only label myself as bi because I'm afraid of choosing one end of the spectrum.

 

But I'm not afraid of who I end up being. I havn't told my parents yet that I'm not straight, not because I think they'll reject me (because they actually like gay people, so it's cool); but it'd be too weird having my family whom I'm stuck with most of the time bug me about it, asking if I like this or that guy, and I don't want all that kind of attention.

 

Deciding who you are isn't an overnight thing, it's something that develops as you learn about yourself. I think you should give it more time if you're worried.

[UT]

I'm not feeling anything for a girl, I'm not attracted to girls (in any other way than just being friends) anymore, haven't been in like one to two years. I've never had a crush on a girl. I'm merely thinking about the possibility and that frightens me.

 

-----------------------------------

 

In the beginning I was afraid of what I was discovering and almost cried because of it. I've never been able to show feelings and haven't really been able to cry. Maybe because of what I was discovering about myself. I built a wall around me and didn't even cry at my grandmothers' funeral.

 

In the beginning I saw this (not showing emotions) as a good gift or feat but now I've realized that I am only human and am waiting for a nervous breakdown. I'm holding too much inside but now that I've found this place I can let some of it off my shoulders.

[novaseeker]

 

There are many different ways of being bisexual. All depending on how you define bisexual and homosexual. The 2% you're talking about are probably the ones who are 50-50.

 

BINGO!

 

See that's the issue I have with the term 'bisexual' as a label. It's susceptible to being interpreted as 'equally attracted to men and women', and I think that's what a lot of folks think it means. Using that definition, there are, indeed, very, very few people who are basically equally attracted to men and women. There are, in my experience, however, far more than 2% of the population who are primarily attracted to same or opposite sex but have some degree of attraction for the non-primary sex ... to me the latter are 'bisexual' too, but the word 'bisexual' tends to imply a kind of sexual ambidexterity that is overstating the case for most of these people.

 

I don't know about the definitions advanced in pianoguy's post ... some of them are interesting, but in my own experience as someone who is primarily attracted to women and attracted to men principally in the context of friendships that develop into something more, I've had strong romantic/magical/sparky type relationships with both men and women, but I'm not equally attracted to both. It could be that I am in your small 2% category, but I don't think so because I am not equally attracted, and in fact I'm far, far more likely to fall into lust with a woman than I am with a man because for me to feel attracted to a man I have to know him first, I don't get attracted to men at the mall or at a bar, for example. So for me the world looks like its equally easy to fall in romantic love with men or women, but easier to fall into lust love with women than with men because Im principally attracted to women when it comes to initial, visceral attraction. So it may just be that your definitions don't fit my own experience particularly well.

[pianoguy]

This is most interesting. I have trouble relating because I've never had feelings for girls. Oh, sure, when I was in highschool I thought I should date girls just because everyone else was, and I had incredibly intense and almost magical relationships with some girls, but I have never lusted after girls. I don't know, their bodies just turn me off or something.

 

And I don't really know any straight people that have dabbled in homosexuality for anything more than sexual thrills.

 

Example: I once dated a guy, let's call him Paul. He had a most peculiar relationship with a guy I'll call Jason. Paul and Jason were extremely close friends, were inseperable and went on trips out West together, etc. So they had deep platonic love for each other. Now Paul was also in love with Jason, but Jason was probably not in love with Paul (I say probably because I never met Jason). However, Paul and Jason had sex on a regular basis. This despite the fact that Jason was somewhat homophobic in high school and dated girls.

 

Now, Paul told me he was convinced that Jason was bi, but I think Jason was simply an opportunistic or confused straight person. Certainly it felt good when Paul was giving him a blowjob, and he loved Paul very much as a friend. But I strongly doubt that he had this all-consuming love towards Paul that Paul had toward him. When Paul was pleasuring Jason, he was doing it in an all-consuming fashion, making love silmutaneously to his personality, soul, spirit, and body. Wheras when Jason was pleasuring Paul he was only making love to Paul's body. Perhaps Jason even thought he was bi or was in love with Paul, but surely he was not.

 

Now I don't know what's in Jason's heart but I feel pretty justified in saying this. And if I were Paul I would be seriously pissed, but of course unable to free myself from the situation (Fortunately the love of my life, John, is far too homophobic and doesn't drink alchohol so there is no chance of such confusion.)

 

So this is one of my few encounters with bisexuality, and I suspect some other instances can be explained this way.

 

However, I do believe there are some honestly bisexual people out there and I do find it quite fascinating. I found novaseeker's account extremely interesting. It must be very confusing... I mean, it seems like you would get the hots for everyone... that would suck. I mean, who do you make friends with? I can form incredibly close friendships with girls and straight guys that I am out to, since their is no chance of anything happening beyond friendship.

 

Another thing that confuses me is this idea that we "grow" into our homosexuality. Granted, we all start out thinking we're straight, but that doesn't mean we like girls in the same way that straight boys do, even from a very young age. I often thought I might be in love with a girl, but in retrospect it was just a variant of platonic love. Of course I didn't realize this until later.

[UT]

someone has done some hard thinking. very interesting.

 

I don't think you "grow" into being homosexual you just realise what you've been all along. somewhat like you said.

[novaseeker]

I found novaseeker's account extremely interesting. It must be very confusing... I mean, it seems like you would get the hots for everyone... that would suck. I mean, who do you make friends with? I can form incredibly close friendships with girls and straight guys that I am out to, since their is no chance of anything happening beyond friendship.

 

No, I don't get the hots for everyone. I get the hots, primarily, for women. I only get into the 'hots' level with men that I really click with first ... the attraction isn't visceral in that way. In other words, I don't find a man attractive at a bar and want to chat him up ... I do feel that way about women. But if I get to know a guy in the regular course of things (ie, not because I thought he was cute and wanted to get to know him ... it doesnt work that way with me .. I mean in the ordinary course like straight men relate to each other as friends) and we get along well and we become close friends, then, yes, I can get the hots for him ... but that happens far less often than with women. It doesn't interfere with friendship for the most part, because really I only get attracted to a very small percentage of friends over the course of my life ... it's not like I have the 'hots' for all of my guy friends lol.

 

It must appear confusing, but to me it makes sense. The best way to describe it is that I am more attracted to women than to men, but can become attracted to men in very specific circumstances, which don't come along all that often. Unlike Jason in your example, however, if I do 'fall for' a guy friend and it is reciprocated, I fall all the way ... it's not about lust, it's about totally falling in love, which is different from what you've described.

 

Oh well, we're all different!