Long term relationship, losing interest... thinking of....

[shadow20]

other posibilities.

 

I feel like an *** for writing this but i need some advise, no guarantee i will take it but id like some anyway.

 

First, as my topic says, i have been with my girlfriend for 1 year and almost 10 months. We are really close, and i am really close with her family (second home) and ive met most of her distant relatives a few times too.

 

It had always been my plan to marry her, things seemed perfect... up till i started doubting stuff a few months ago... now those thoughts have been rotting my brain and are getting worse. I find myself not as interested in things with her, she has some issues i thought she would of grown out of by now and havnt and they are becoming a big deterant to staying with her.

 

I really dont "want" to leave her, because generally we get along pretty well, but things are far from perfect.

 

Second part of this is that i have begun thinking of other ladies as posibilities, now i know from past relationships how bad this is... because this is usually when things go really sour and just end.

 

Now there is a couple other girls but there is one in particular that i cant get my mind off. its kinda lame so bare with me here.

 

I havent talked to her for a couple years but we went on a few dates back then but things just never went further because i was still getting over a past girlfriend. but this girl seems perfect for me has some of the same hobbies, is upbeat/positive, shes in university, im sure she has some things that i wont like, but all girls do.

 

Anyway i lost my train of thought cause i got a few phone calls. Any ideas what i should be doing about this, any good advice would be wonderful. thanks.

 

.........s.h.a.d.o.w..........

 

 

[cmr2c3000]

What look good is not alway good for you. I think that your present girlfriend gave you too much at one time. She shouldn't gave you everything about her on a silver platter. We alway want what we can't have. People are mislead by their desire and choices and you are choosing to lose interest in your girfriend. Even though the grass might be greener on the other side; you still have to cut that grass also. Stay with your girlfriend.

[shadow20]

I love and hate that saying at the same time:

though the grass might be greener on the other side; you still have to cut that grass also

 

Ive always struggled with this, i know i have, ive identified it in me in the past. I dont think im really all that good at resisting it though. Its hard not to think of what could be with this other girl that seems "great". True i could be choosing to lose interest but how do i begin to regain interest in her? it seems there aer more things that bother me about her, than things i like about her lately. Also her mother is a Nazi (hope i can say that) shes really controling of her and almost in a way is helping to make our lives miserable.

 

thanks for the reply though. i like grass too much

[Maverick32x]

Are you still in love? or is it just comfort and habit?

Its possible that you only want to keep this relationship going because its something you are comfortable with...... how many other girl friends have you had before her? (serious ones)

if the number is low... you might want to reconsider what you are looking for in a girl......

[RayKay]

Generally, if little things start bothering you, it's almost a point of no return - though not always, and it depends on the little things.

 

If you are point you even hate the way she breathes, it's a problem. If you just are frustrated with how she deals with conflict, then that may be something you two can communicate and work on together.

 

Sometimes even when you love someone, there are things that will also drive you crazy about them, but at same time, they are things that are really part of them, and in a weird way, you love them for it.

 

However you said yourself there are more things that bother you about her than that you love about her - so I think in your mind you are already looking for reasons to leave in a sense, at which point its tough to change that. You can try and "regain" that love lost, but it takes effort, and a real want to do so - which means not a want for what else is out there.

 

You are young, you are not bound to her forever. Search your heart, it may be best for her and you to let her go if staying with her will only create more resentment, and possibly have you straying as well. Not fair to her then either?

 

Don't settle. No one is perfect, but there is someone out there perfect even in their imperfections for you. It's about compatibility, and that does not mean settling for something that is less than you need.

 

I am not advocating you do break it off, just that you search your heart for the answer best for you. You may regret it, you may not, but the funny thing about life is even from regret we learn and good things can happen.

[shadow20]

Are you still in love? or is it just comfort and habit?

Its possible that you only want to keep this relationship going because its something you are comfortable with...... how many other girl friends have you had before her? (serious ones)

if the number is low... you might want to reconsider what you are looking for in a girl......

 

Id say im still in love but not like i used to be, i care about her a lot, but i think i have lost a some and am going on the comfort and habit thing. I really dont know what id do without her around, most of my weekends are spent with her and her family.

 

Ive had a lot of girlfriends, a handful of very serious ones... my relationship before this was about a year and a half, and ended badly, It seems in my life experience though, every relationship ive left... i ended up getting with a girl that is even better, and has always made me happier lol... my own experience is kinda my downfall perhaps, maybe im being too greety, and this will turn out to be the best its going to get so i need to just focus on this relationship, i dont know.

 

in the past 2 years, what i want in a girl has changed quite a bit (going from 17-19 is a age of big change in my opinion) so i feel kind of bad for her, because im basically an adult now, im quit mature and ... well serious in my career goals, and ive begun expecting things from her she just might not be capable of. or doesnt want to do now because she is still young. shes 18, about a year and a half younger than me, but i meant she lives at home, ive been out on my own for 2 years now.

 

To RayKay

 

I dont hate the way she breathes lol, but some of the stuff is kind of serious, we try to communicate but often end up fighting about these types of things. one example is her attitude towards life, she is really negative, and often jokes about ending her life (i know she wouldnt but it still bugs me beacuse ive been around people like that) she also doesnt seem to have any ambitions in life, doesnt really want to do anything where as im the complete opposite with all my goals laid out, that also bothers me because im nieve about other ppl maybe and feel she should be able to do the same.

 

We have some trouble communicating even though it would help, i am some what short tempered on certain issues. and she is very stubburn and difficult in general to talk with.

 

Don't settle. No one is perfect, but there is someone out there perfect even in their imperfections for you. It's about compatibility, and that does not mean settling for something that is less than you need.

some people from school used to joke that we arent compatible because we are so much alike, im starting to wonder if that is true , and im starting to wonder if i really am settling just because im settled... i really dont know, i somethings (NOT ALWAYS) get a feeling i could od better, i dont know why but i do think that sometimes

 

I am also REALLY busy right now with school and interviews and stuff, so im finding it hard to kinda sit down and think hard about what i want to do? and shes been not happy with me (in the way she talks to me) since i brought up this whole situation, and i dont blame her for that, but its not helping.

 

Thanks for the help guys/girls , i appreciate any more info you guys can put in. Sorry this is so long!

[shadow20]

Well just thought id update, i got over that short term dilema about the other girl and am focusing back on my relationship, but its back to the same old problems lol.... does anyone suggest going to relationship councelling? even though we are not married, etc... i think it might help...

[Bethany]

I'm more for the honest sit down and talk it through, self help kinda thing. Communication is the key to a good relationship and councelling just opens the door and MAKES you talk about it.

If you are having any doubts BOTH of you should know about it. It's not fair on her to let her think that things are great between you and inside you all this stuff is inside youis weighing you down. Be honest.

[juniuspamphlet]

hey shadow,

 

If you're considering couples counseling, then your level of commitment to this relationship is pretty high. That's a good thing, I think.

 

But if you do go to counseling, you should be aware that this process of trying to work things out with your GF can be a double-edge sword. It can be very helpful, but it can also be a sure way to let go of a relationship for good. What I'm trying to say is that counseling does not always have the desired result (i.e., to repair a broken relationship)...Still, if I were you I would give it a try...After all, it always helps to have a neutral third party listen to your complaints, and help you both understand your invidivual needs.

 

Good luck!