Wondering what to do...

[SubtleGrace05]

My ex and I broke up last April. He was doing the non-committal thing and I was doing the clingy thing and it was ugly. Since then we've gotten close to getting back together again a couple of times only for one of us to pull away at the last minute. Each time it seems like the relationship becomes more and more casual. I know how much I love him, but I am not willing to be just a sex buddy for him. He tells me that he will always love me and that what we have is very special to him, and then he gives me the old "I cant give you what you need" bs, which is mainly a committment.

 

Anyway, we've been talking again about seeing each other, but I just cant help but feel that I will just end up being used. He absolutely refuses to talk about his feelings with me, but he will talk about making plans. I dont want to push him away by issuing an ultimatim, yet at the same time I don't see the point in getting my feelings all wrapped up in him again only to be told "I cant give you what you need".

 

Comments appreciated.

 

Grace

[DN]

Tell him straight up - either you have a committed relationship or you will be moving on.

[Beec]

I disagree with DN. Frankly, he is not getting something emotionally that he wants from the relationship or he think something will be threatened or lost. If he was head over heels about her, he would be pushing her to the altar.

 

If he is not a committment phobe, then what is it he wants? She needs to figure that out and not be clingy while she is doing it.

[Switch187]

I think the two of you should take a step back and look at what your doing to each other with unbiased eyes. Your clinginess to him is probably pushing him away from commitment, and his lack of commitment is making you want to cling to him. It's like a constat circle that will never end unless the two of you come to terms with what you want out of life. That's the most important thing for you two to look at right now before trying to get back together, which is what do YOU want for YOUR life? But you also need to set your boundries and stick to them. If you don't want to be sex buddies, let him know and stick to it. Don't back out of that position and let him know that sex for you is something that should only be cherished with someone you care about and want to maintain a deep relationship with. I know it's hard, last year I started coming here trying to figure out how to get back with my ex, and got lots of good advice. Right now the two of us are in a bit of unstableness due to a fight, but were both working towards a life with each other, which is something we both personally want. And you need to figure our if that's what you want in your life, especially since your talking about commitment. Can you say without a doubt that you would be completely happy married to this man? Would that happiness in your heart still be there 4 years from now? Would you want to be the mother of his childeren? All of these are serious questions you need to consider and really give some deep thought into them before rushing into a "commited" stage of a relationship. If that's not what you want, or not how you feel, then enjoy the relationship you have and don't over analyze the situation due to lack of commitment from your persecption. Hope this helps out a little.