Waiting for him to catch up

[Confessoress]

The relationship history here: link removed

 

While I was away I had nightmares and kept twitching so much in my sleep I'd wake myself up. This was most likely because I was upset. I wish I'd woken up with his arms around me instead of his back facing towards me. I wish I didn't have to pry him to turn over and hug me. It defeats the objective.

 

I woke up feeling empty, nervous, scared, nauseated and alone.

 

I want the person I care about to care about me. I want them to hug and comfort me when I feel bad and me not having to ask them to do it.

 

I wish he kissed me more often at random times, not just when we alone and it could lead to sex. I wish he'd taken the initiative to hold my hand when we were out walking without me having to initiate it.

 

One time we were having sex and I just stopped and had to walk out. I was so upset. I couldn't bare the thought of all my feelings being poured into it knowing he didn't feel the same way.

 

I need to see some progress with his feelings, over wise why continue for Months only to get the same reaction after my feelings have grown even further and be faced by total heartbreak. I need to see signs of progression otherwise the only place I can see it going is heartbreak for me.

 

I'm filled with frustration waiting for him to catch up to me. I'm terrified he'll never feel anymore for me than he does now. The biggest problem I have is the further time progresses the stronger I feel and the more upset and frustrated I am that he doesn't appear to feel the same way. But I keep hanging on waiting for him, hoping he'll show a sign soon. I try to take in account what kind of effect the past has taken on him, but then I wonder if I'm just making excuses for him to comfort myself.

 

Once again I held too much on this reunion. After 3 Months apart I thought his feeling would have grown as had mine. It would have been easier for me if we had seen each other more frequently, but again I had to wait for him. Now I probably will have to wait for Months to see him again.

 

It's been 5 Months now and he still hasn't told his parents about us. thereforeeee I can't go and visit him very easily. I could stay in a hotel, but that would cost money I don't have. Truth is I want to see him at home in his normal environment, I want him to let me into his life. Instead again I have to wait for him. I have to wait until he wants to and has enough time and money to visit me. Either that or wait for Months until we go on another trip. I don't like this because it's all him again. Truth is I'd be most happy if we could see each other more often doing just normal things. For example like him staying here or me staying there and just being together hanging out, watching movies, having takeaways or whatever. But how can we do that… if he's not going to tell his parents? He doesn't want to tell them because that wouldn't be happy about him being in a relationship at the moment when he doesn't have any career prospects etc. But surely as time goes on and the lies escalate it will only get harder? I'm supposed to wait until he does have a career? Then what? Mum, Dad here's my girlfriend we've been seeing each other for… errr 1 Month? Do you see my point?

 

I'm so confused

[Beec]

OK, not quite sure what is going on here. But I have some clues.

 

One idea is that he has you, he knows he has you, he can and does leave you alone and when he comes back, you are still waiting. The thing is you have given him the idea you will be there, so he can take it for granted.

 

If you want him to want to want you, you might think about making him question this whole idea. Send him soem mixed signals. His have gotten you to stick around, now send some of your own.

[Confessoress]

Games *sigh* I hate playing games. Why can't it be straight forward? I want him, he wants me so why can't he give as much as me?

[Beec]

When a puppy wants attention from you, it walks toward you happily waging its tail and asks for it. People are not so simple. Maybe that's too bad, but that is just the way it is.

 

We all play games to a certain extent. The thing is that you should play and act out of love and caring, and you should also require the other person to show you respect.

[starrrr]

You sound like me not too long ago...

 

I hate playing games also..all i can tell you is if you want it to stop, you'll have to do it, not him. What i mean is you can always leave the relationship...if you are not happy. He won't stop anytime soon I will tell you that. Only you know your full situation and all the details, so it's really up to you if you are really willing to put up with all this?

 

Don't you want to be with someone who wants to grab ur hand, who wants to kiss you jus randomly, who can't wait to introduce you to their parents. etc....?

 

Apparently he's not doing all that...so i suggest you have a talk with him, tell him how you feel and then see how he reacts...or figure out some other system to find out exactly how he really feels for you...if it is the same...

 

From his reaction and response, it should help you decide from there what you want...to put up with it, or to move on and maybe find someone else who can treat you the way you want..and deserve.

[Confessoress]

That is very good advice Starrr (and Beec). Thank you.

 

I've told him how I feel and asked some questions. I've given him some time and he's calling me tonight.

 

I will prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

[starrrr]

Good Luck! Tell us what happens! Definitely prepare yourself for this conversation so as to not get manipulated or get distracted to really getting what you want to know..

 

I hope the best for you also!

[Confessoress]

It was bad, worse than I could of imagined.

 

The first words he uttered were "I think we should take a break" because I'm not getting what I want and I always seem upset with the situation.

 

The reason he wont tell his parents is they wont like me, because I dont have a good career and money. He said he wants his dad to like the girl he brings back. If he had a career and could support us both then it would be ok and his parents would be ok with it. He said they have a point. He also said he's not in a hurry and if he didnt see me for 6 months it wouldnt bother him that much, not that that is going to happen.

 

That our phone bills are crazy. Even people that live together don't text that much. Then I pointed out that's exactly the point, they see each other everyday... I see him what? Once every 3 Months.

 

I thought it was going to be bad but not this bad. I am so hurt that I'm not even crying, just shaking and for me thats quite something.

 

I'm totally confused and don't know what direction to turn in now. It crossed my mind he's pushing me to break up with him, but why does he keep texting. I JUST DON'T GET IT

[starrrr]

I'm soo sorry to hear that. I know how you feel, or atleast i can relate, i've had those words spoken to me also from someone i dearly care about and love and it hurts....it's crushing. I personally felt as though my whole world just collapse...even with just the thought of losing him.......

 

But...time goes on...whether you realize it or not...you probably know that already...read it somewhere already...cuz its TRUE..

 

What i just want to say is that you should find someone else who will be proud to bring you home, although as you say you don't have a steady career or not, just YOU as a person should be enough reason to introduce you to his parents. His parents opinion shouldn't matter that much, unless he really tries hard to impress them....or somethin. [by BF also is not someone my parents wants me to be with, he's not even goin to school, etc, but i love him and believe in him, and will stay with him no matter what my 'rents think...its my life.]

 

But going thru a similar situation in the past, i can forecast that things will just get more confusing, frustrating, and you will continue to get hurt. My best advice that i can give you is to take this break....and work on yourself, why not take the steps to get you back on a career? Take this time to get away...make time for yourself. Really question what do you really want in life...to be happy with what YOU already HAVE or continue wanting and waiting for something that is NOT guaranteed to you?? Atleast if you take the time to work on yourself, you'll start feeling good about urself, and realize that you can be HAPPY being YOURSELF BY YOURSELF, and the improvement and gains you'll work on is yours TO KEEP forever and no one can take away...

 

If you take this time to think about things, and learn more about what you really want and what you are willing to take and how much can you really handle and put up with, then you'll have clearer direction when deciding what to do when it comes to you guys.

 

In the end, only you can really depend on yourself.

 

And who knows, once you start getting a better understand of yourself and become a better improved version, you'll be more ready to take on the relationship in the future if the chance comes again...or atleast if you guys don't work out, you'll be ready for the next guy that comes around......you'll be a held together strong women on her own two feet who knows what she wants and you'll become a women that they'll just be crazy about.....

 

Stay strong...don't let the texting get to you......if he thinks its best to take a break then do it...let him experience it and let him decide what he wants.

[Confessoress]

Thank you for the advice Starrr What you have said is similar to what my Dad said to me, honestly.

 

Well, the deal is he wants to make his Dad proud I guess. He's afraid of failure and failure means no money. They didn't like his ex (no career either, obviously), but they tried to be nice to her. She even lived with them for a while. But he said they wouldn't take that again. His ex later ran off with his best friend. So now he feels his Dad is right, you see. His Dad would want to know that either of us or both of us could support each other. The thing is, we're not moving into together, nor getting married or anything along those lines yet so why is it relevant... 2 no hopers I guess.

 

Maybe I should mention he's British Indian and his family are Silkh and there lies the problem. I'm a white Christian, although that isn't the problem. He isn't religious and neither am I. His family are very wealthy and highly thought of in that community. My boyfriend does not want an arranged marriage but instead wants someone he chooses. But they could, at the drop of a hat marry him off to a rich and powerful British Indian woman. He doesn't want to let his Dad down and he doesn't want to tell them because they would make it hell for the relationship.

 

Surely if he cared for me enough he'd stand up to this?

[Confessoress]

I'm going to do what I did before, I'm going to let it all out on my thread so I don't end up venting on my boyfriend. I hope no one minds, and I don't mind if no one reads it.

 

So we're not going on a break. I decided, or rather we both decided to just keep things going for a while and see how it goes. I suppose 5 Months is quite early in a relationship and truly only time will tell.

 

In the process I'm going to have to try very hard to shut myself off emotionally a bit. Because I have fallen in love with him, I haven't told him but for our conversation a few Months ago I know he doesn't love me... yet (or ever, but who knows). I don't see the point of telling him for several reasons, being:

 

1) I know what I'm like, at this moment in time if I said it I'd want him to say it back, and if he didn't I'd be crushed. thereforeeee I'm not ready to tell him.

 

2) I doubt it would have an effect on him, since he's pretty confused about love and he'd probably ask me why. I'm not prepared for the whys.

 

3) I don't want to waste my love on someone that isn't going to stick around.

 

4) If he knows I love him I'm concerned I'll get used as a doormat.

 

 

I can't force him to love me. All I can do is give it time. But my god is it hard, especially when you worry it will go another 3 Months another 6... and by that time I feel more and he still isn't ready to give up that much and it ends... and I'll be crushed. The risk you have to take.

 

I'm going to try very hard to get my life sorted and not think of him as much as I do, I need something in case it all falls to pieces.

 

I thought I had a green light and I gave up too much too fast, as usual.

 

 

The honeymoon period is very much over. Things are now either going to go one way or another. As a friend said "It's like a rocket launching. After the buzz of take off you either smash to the ground or orbit the earth."

[Beec]

Good luck. ALways rememebr that if you want love, it is better not to ask for it. Just give it, and see if it comes back to you.

 

However, you need to give fire air to breathe and burn. You need to give him emotional fulfillment, then give him room. Turn it on and off, and when it off, let him come looking for it, watch him ask for it and try to give it to get some, and let the tension build a bit, then release it. Do this and he is probably yours.

[Confessoress]

Thanks Beec. I had been doing that, and it was working well... but somewhere along the line I let go... I got tired of being the one doing it. Know what I mean? But I guess there is always one person in the relationship that gives more than the other, to begin with at lest. I just wish it wasn't always me.

 

Does this go on forever though? Coz honestly I couldn't hold it up forever and with this being long distance...

 

I noticed I did it in the past, go the guy wrapped around my finger as it were then I could let go and be more at ease. That happened around the year mark but only after being physically together often. That isn't happening in this relationship.

[Beec]

Well, LDRs are tougher, but if they want what you are giving, it will happen, they will become wrapped around your finger. It is all bout whether you meet his emotional needs, so you need to figure out what makes him tick in a sense.