Am i a jerk?

[chocos]

Well, all i can say is that i agree with kittykat to a certain extent. Was the unhappiness you felt justified to be fair to call off a relationship which has taken off and have soared through the years?

 

There must have been a special bond between that you both have probably shared. You must understand that not all friends give valuable advice. If you must, ask friends who have stable and experienced reelationships and matured enough to think things on both sides of the picture.

 

If you are going to consult friends that have gone through such 'chuck and stash' attitude of relationships, in which they can do it so can you kinda attitude, remember and tell yourself that you are not them. Your ex is not their ex. Try being fair and think for yourself. If this gal has given you so much. She has practically poured out her heart and soul to you.

 

My bet is the new gal is someone whom likes you and you probably don't don't really like her, but yet giving her a chance to make things work. But what is the point? There is no proper healing in the first place and with no proper healing, you cannot enter the next relationship. I am not saying that it is certain. But i am urging you not to be too egoistic and think that you are right all the time.

 

Do take a moment to think about this ex of yours. Do take a moment to think of the good times and think that she is worth your chance. I do not think that it is fair to close the relationship with her just like that.

[Poltergeist]

Wow, you screwed up big time.

[adeius]

I do think of my ex everyday. Hmmm....

[segagirl]

oh no dont you dare! After all this, and her pain...please please just find it in you're heart to not think of yourself on this one. You have casued her much pain, but she will heal and find a man that really loves her, and can treat her right. letting her go is the only mature, kind thing to do at this point.

[adeius]

You think i should just let it be?

 

I do know for sure that she is hurting real bad.. and i know that when she means she will hold out, she would..

 

What should be the best way?

[sisterlynch]

you may want to return items that have been given to one another that have emotional significance, or tell her to keep them, either way.

 

Tell her how you felt about her from your heart. why you broke up the way that you did, what aspects of her you liked and didn't like.

 

You could meet in person, call or write a letter for closure, but speak from the heart when you do.

[adeius]

well, we did meet up. I just told her that it was over.

 

We didn't talk about why. We didn't talk about the sentimental stuff with each other.

 

How?

[sisterlynch]

The most diffucult thing to do is to admit that you were wrong in your judgement about something so basic as whom to love.

 

 

We all make mistakes in judgement everyday so as to keep our insecurities in check.

 

People go years without an ounce of happiness in certain areas of their life and never think of saying something to others out of insecurity of being wrong---but how can you be wrong about how you feel? That is called delusional thinking. When we follow the leader into mischeif and never think to say no, we are indeed wrong. We are so afraid of hurting someone's feelings, that we never stand up for ourself, we just follow the pack and do what we are told.

 

Think deep in your heart, and do what your little voice tells you to do!!

[kittykat]

so.. he had some delusional thinking about the relationship for 3 long years and only waited for someone else to come along before he jumped the boat and 'woke' up from his delusional thinking that i should break this bond up because i didn't think she was the one for me right from the start.

 

And because i was in delusional thinking, it also gave him the go ahead to have sex with someone he wasn't sure of. It also made him not only have sex once to realise it, but sex for 2 over years with someone he didn't feel right with...

 

What is the logic behind that besides responsibility?

[sisterlynch]

I wasn't excusing his behavior, I was explaining it. Just because there is a reason for something doesn't excuse it, it explains it.

 

He already admitted that he reacted wrong, and yet you are not making this a safe learning environment for him, you are not allowing him to figure out the reasons for his behavior by insulting me and my methods.

 

He admitted that he is a jerk, hense the title of the posting, I may be a jerk too, you also may be a jerk sometimes but you wouldn't admit it would you??

 

He is learning by his mistakes, which most of us here on earth do occasionally, where are you from Kitty cat? Mars, Venus? What are you getting from this?

[kittykat]

Sorry sister lynch, i was not critising anything. I was just saying what i felt. I feel like the gal in his picture. The same thing happened to me and all i can do now is to pour out all these questions.

 

He did admit and ask if he was a jerk. But question is, does he really want to admit it?

 

Going and moving on from a long time relationship into another one so quickly doesn't justify his behaviour

 

Didn't mean to get so critical...

[sisterlynch]

It is so easy and common to judge we almost don't realize it when it happens. My feeling is that he made a mistake, had trouble admitting it, liked the sex enough to stay, but maybe he didn't like it that much to keep him honest. We only learn from our mistakes if we can look at them honestly for what they are, a misjudgement.

 

If he came on here and wrote the words Am I a jerk? he is opening himself up to constructive criticism. Nobody gives us a set of rules to follow as we are going through difficult situations, that is why we have counselors to help us deal with our accumulation of mistakes that we encounter over the decades as we are living and soaking in the true exhistence of living, and encountering other humans.

 

We have no plan when the going gets tough so we look for a way to sneak out when our "mother's" back is turned and run out to have some fun!!

 

This doesn't excuse it, the problem is that we don't really know the entire story, so we need to give feedback based on the evidence presented, not the way that we would feel if we were in that circumstance.

 

We are all in different stages of life and yes, we can go years in denial, I feel that the biggest stages of denial are the ages 18 to 33. This is when we are the most risky in our behavior and the most wreckless in our choices.

 

It is also our entry into adulthood, only by looking back at our own mistakes can we say what we have learned.

 

It also takes a risk to come on line and ask for strangers to help you see your own mistakes more clearly, that is the biggest reason that I try to never judge my neighbor, because that opens me up to judgement too, which nobody really likes, but everyone really needs occasionally.

[adeius]

Well.. i understand, sometimes i don't really understand myself

[sisterlynch]

Go on Adeuis, go on with that idea. We all get stuck in a mode of thinking that we are right when we really are wrong, occasionally.

 

In some ways there is nothing wrong with delusions too, maybe I am deluding myself by thinking that I am helping others by moderating this websight. I have anecdotal proof that I am helping others, but sometimes I just don't know for sure, yes, sometimes I lose confidence in myself!! We all do.

 

What is best is to live by the rule of treating all others as you would have them treat you. This is the best that i can think of to have others treat you with respect.

 

Also remember that our past gives us somewhat different perspectives of thing. I used to be a life guard so when I go to the pool I notice what the life guards are doing moreso than the average swimmer would. This can be a major frustration at times when they don't look very attentive!!

 

Also it is always difficult to admit we are wrong!! Anything that we don't do often is difficult, plus we live in a competitive world, and it can be lots easier to blame others than to admit when we are to blame. But the strongest survive and write the history from their own perspective, don't they?

 

Be willing to try, to fail at something new and to stand by your own viewpoint when necessary.

[adeius]

I don't actually know how i can switch off a switch just like that. For someone who has given me everything, someone whom i have shared a close intimate bond for 3 long years.

 

I keep reassuring the new gal i am with that i know what i want. And we have even bought rings as a couple with engraving our names. Something i never gave to my girlfriend of 3 years. And now in a week, i gave it to someone new. I dunno what i am feeling. Really. How could i do such a thing to someone who loves me so much? I don't want to admit that i regret anything and i feel happier now. But i did feel happy too when i was with my ex didn't i?

 

Do i really have a conscience?

[sisterlynch]

The problem is that we forget to use it occasionally.

 

Life is a journey not a destination, that includes smelling all the roses that you can; you can't always pick the roses of your choice, however, this is the main problem that I see in society today. We are so caught up in people pleasing and agreeing with our friends and disagreeing with our enemies, we hardly have time to reflect upon what is right and wrong that we are doing.

 

Your new girlfriend is the one to please, now. Don't worry about what the others think. The old girl is history, treat her with respect, but remember to leave her problems alone, she is old news. Don't worry about that for right now, otherwise it will draw you out of your new union back to square one.

[michelemybell]

I've been reading your postings and your last one kind of revealed a lot. You're with a new girl and you've exchanged rings in a week? Well, I think you're like a lot of people.

It seems you like that "high" of a new relationship. When the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship ends and things start getting stale, it's always more exciting to go out and find someone new. Inevitably the same thing will happen in this new relationship---just give it some time. Hopefully both of you will be in the same frame of mind to work through the boredom when it sets in, as well as the everyday strain of a relationship---otherwise one of you will be left behind. Hope it's not you!!

[Chibi_usagi_noodles]

wtf.... YOU EXCXHANGED RINGS, HOWS UR EX GONNA FEEL?

lol can i have ur ex's email adress i wanna add her on msn and talk to her, i can guess sh e is very sad now. thanks to u

[chocos]

Could i ask you what the significance of the rings are? Are you saying that you probably didn't love a girl of 3 years who has given you everything, that she probably didn't deserve a ring to show her worth. But instead, this new gal deserved it.

 

Knowing for a fact that she was the one who supported you in your breakup?

[adeius]

well.... i really don't know.. she needed the reassurance that i didn't leave the previous relationship because she told me to.

 

I didn't give my ex any rings... well... i don't really know. I knew she wanted us to have something the both of us could use, she knew i was a practical person so we decided to get something else instead of rings as a couple.

 

Well... i really don't know.. anyone care to tell me what i was thinking?

[chocos]

Just a guess, You didn't buy any ring for your ex of 3 years because you took her for granted.

 

You didn't buy her one because you thought that she would always be there for you

 

You didn't really love her though you told her you did, just so that you could cheat her into having sex with you, with no strings attached. Maybe not in such a bad light, but you did so because you were not sure. even so, after a week or so you were so sure about the new girl.

 

Worse still, you were just using her as a training ground and making use of her for 3 years.

 

Just a guess...

[adeius]

Hi peeps.... just in case you didn't want to read everything in the last few pages....

 

I shall now summarise it for you.

 

Well, ok i shall start it like this:

 

I have been with this gal for like 3 over years and yes we did have our happy times. I really loved this gal and thought she was the one. We had sex as well, it was both our first time. I found that she became very clingy and soon, i felt so stuffy. I wanted to take a breather. I didn't tell her how i felt. We continued to have sex more often because we did live together for a while. I really thought she was the one. I loved her and yes, had our happy times, and she did sacrifice a lot to make me happy by enjoying what i enjoyed and always giving in to me

 

After a long while, I decided to break up with her. I called her over the phone and told her that. I didn't tell her i got attached to someone else. I broke off with her and cut off all contact whatsoever. When i managed to talk to her, i told her i was never happy and that the love was gone. She crumbled.

 

But i just had so much work up my head, until my work was being affected (FYI, i am still studying).

 

Well, we were always quarelling, and she never seemed happy. But she did tell me that when she quarrelled with me was when she missed me most. I have actually wanted to call it off right from the start. But somehow, it dragged this long and while it was dragging, we had sex lots. She didn't seem keen, but for me, she was willing.

 

I told her i felt stuffed up, she crumbled and said in a moment of anger that she wanted to break off. So i thought about it for a while and decided. ok. But she did apologise ceaselessly, her virginity meant a lot to her and i am so sorry and regretful to have taken it away. She just kept apologising and kept saying that she wanted to make things work out. Honestly, i do feel stressful with this gal. I felt that i was just happy trying to make her happy, didn't bother thinking about what i felt.

 

I don't actually know how i can switch off a switch just like that. For someone who has given me everything, someone whom i have shared a close intimate bond for 3 long years.

 

I keep reassuring the new gal i am with that i know what i want. And we have even bought rings as a couple with engraving our names. Something i never gave to my girlfriend of 3 years. And now in a week, i gave it to someone new. I dunno what i am feeling. Really. How could i do such a thing to someone who loves me so much? I don't want to admit that i regret anything and i feel happier now. But i did feel happy too when i was with my ex didn't i?

[michelemybell]

You're beginning to sound like a broken record.

It's obvious you still like your ex and regret breaking up with her---or you feel really, really guilty cause you know it wasn't right. The new girl is going to get stale for you---if she hasn't already. You want your ex on the backburner waiting for you. Sorry bud, most of the time that don't happen. Try to enjoy your new girl and live with your choice. Your ex will or already has found someone better---she deserves better. Marinate in your guilt and live with the fact that you let a good one go!

[adeius]

I realised that i was with this gal with 3 years, but i didn't love her. I realised that yes we could get along well, and i was more towards looking at her as someone whom would be pleasing to my parents and to the people around me. I was not really happy.

 

I should probably think of my own happiness instead

 

In fact, i am intending to propose to this gal in 2 months time. I don't want to look for gals. all i want to do now is to settle down

[Chibi_usagi_noodles]

You didn't love her, but in your other message you said you did love her. make up your mind. ITs not us readers the one you're supposed to impress and summurize out, its urself. Mayb its time u make up ur mind to wut u want in life and wut u dont want.