At 26 would you take on a partners kids?

[dpc036]

At 26 would you take on a partners kids?

[TheFallenShadow]

what do you mean by taking a partners kids????

[dpc036]

not taking them.

taking them on, as in moving in with the partner and paying for them etc all that comes with it.

[TheFallenShadow]

I see,

 

Well to this question...you have to look within yourself and know that it is the right thing, Because you have to know to love your partner, you will have to love your partners children. because if not there will always be a tension between the two of you. Now if the question was posed to me, I would without a doubt...why because i love her that much. and so the answer really lay within you, are you ready for that commitment and is your love that true that you would do that.....

 

I dont know it it helps, but as said, if you love your partner that much, it would go along way to proving to your partner that you love them and the children involved, and in the end you will be repayed with not only the love of a partner, but the love of children which is wonderful within itself.

[dpc036]

thanks for the reply.

its difficult to really know if its right.

am i at that point where i should be settling down and taking on such large instant responsibility??

i appreciate what your saying that if i love her then i should do it but i dont think its as simple as that.

id say i love her alot. and the kids are great and i care alot for them. but it totally changes the make up of the relationship when we all spend time together as opposed to just me and the girl.

[TheFallenShadow]

And i can understand what you are saying...

 

But you can have what you seek, you just have to readjust your schedules, what not, to include the kids, and how furfilling that it can be. and at night, have a set bed time for the kids and make that work, so that you can have alone time with your girl...amd always follow the adege of improvise, adapt and overcome....because i cant tell you how much more your life will be forfilled my showing these little things....there are things that i cant descibe to you, because they are differant for every person.

 

Dont let the fact that your girl has children lead you to a descion that you may regret years down the line...I know given the chance myself i would take it without reservation....

[Kristen Mcgee]

When I was younger, in my early 20's I would have said 'no way' without a doubt.

But now I was recently in contact with my ex, who was my 'love'. We are both married with kids. He has 3, I have 1, and initially I thought to myself, well no way ,would I take on his 3 kids if there was ever the chance, but now honestly, I have loved this guy for 9 years and I think that I would take on his 3 kids. My situation is different and I won't ever actually have to make such a decision. But it does boil down to how much you love this person and if you are really ready.

 

Because I believe you are right, no matter what kids change the realm of the relationship.

[dpc036]

but is that not putting any sort of plans or aspirations i have on hold?

[TheFallenShadow]

yes children do change things, but if the two of you can work things out and around things, then nothing had to be put on hold forever, it may just be out off for alittle while. but nothing that can be overcome with love and patience...

[Kristen Mcgee]

If you already realize that then, I would say in some way and as much as you may love this person you realize that you are not ready to take on this persons kids. You are young and at 26 there is alot for you left to do and it is a huge responsibility to take on someone elses kids. But in the same make sure if you loose this person because of the kids you don't live to regret it the rest of your life. This is coming from someone who broke up with my ex bf 9 years ago because I didn't want to move to the state where he was and here I am 9 years later, married happily but still regret my decision and would do things so differently if I had another chance.

 

Either way you really should think hard about this.

[BellaDonna]

At 26 would you take on a partners kids?

 

The person would have to be AMAZING for me to be willing to take on their children.

 

So if she's amazing to you, then it is worth it. However, if you already question the relationship in any way- then taking on the kids could just make it worse.

 

It depends on how you feel about HER.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Vert]

That's a really tough position to be in, my friend. I know a lot of people that want children, but don't want to get into a relationship with someone that already has kids. The reasons can range anywhere from "I don't feel right knowing that the children are from another man she was with" to "I don't want to miss out on the honeymoon phase of the marriage". It takes a certain guy to be able to get into the "single mom" relationship (ie "Jerry Maguire"), and unless you're behind it 100% then your current doubts, fears, etc. will only get worse. I don't think it will put your career on hold, per say, but it will affect how you interact with your girlfriend/spouse on a daily basis on everything from when and where you have sex to what you watch on tv. If you're not willing to have a total lifestyle change then you probably shouldn't do this right now.

 

Personally, I'm 27 years old as well, but I don't think I'd be able to get into that relationship because I'd want to have those "salad days" with my new wife -- traveling, sex, companionship, going out, etc. I'm not saying you can't have sex while you have kids, but from what I hear it's infinitely harder to accomplish without them finding you AND you can't just do it whenever you feel like it (for the same prior reason just mentioned).

[dpc036]

does the fact im even asking the question say it all?

[BellaDonna]

does the fact im even asking the question say it all?

 

It indeed says A LOT.

 

I think you already have your answer in your mind. Listen to yourself. Don't try to trick yourself to go against your gut instincts- it's almost always an equation for disaster.

 

BellaDonna

[RooferGirl23]

wow.. perfect topic for me..

Im 24 and at the age of 21 i took on a guy with 4 kids! 3.5 years later, and 2 more children of my own later, i have grown alot and learned alot. I think 26 is a fine age, if you love the person so much you just take all that goes with it without even thinking twice about it.

Sure, problems, issues, and other junk like that will come, but always work togther, and there never will be any problems. Sometimes the other parent of the children can be a problem, but if you have a good person by your side, it makes it all the more easer.

Always remember this: your partner will always put those kids first, before you, even, and you cant let that get to you. I did bother me at first till i had children of my own and i learned of a love so strong that now i understand.

Feel free to pm me and i can tell you so much about what i went thru and what to expect. Just look at my signature on the bottom of this post, it tell it all.

[Vert]

4 kids + 2 more = 6 children

 

Wow, roofergirl, congrats on a Brady Bunch family

 

Anyway, it does say a lot, dpc, that you are questioning things, but I think it is also fair to take that into consideration. I think that if you were blindly jumping in without taking everything into careful consideration then you're not being very wise. Just take your time, think it through, and weigh all your options/ideas. At this point you aren't married, correct? Just make sure you aren't leading her on without letting her know your concerns.

[RooferGirl23]

Vert:

 

Its the brady bunch all the way, too.. 3 girls, 3 boys!

[dpc036]

firstly thanks everyone for your input.

vert correct at this point im not married. but the girl is keen to settle down she is a few years older than me and has had her wild times i suppose. so i think she is looking at her life alot at the moment and thinks she should be settled in a long term relationship, ie marriage.

we have talked this over and over i obviously have my concerns and cant seem to get the answers from her. she is perhaps to close to it all.

i realise nobody can give me "the answer" thats somethin i have to do. but it would be such a life changing choice.

 

i think ive always sort of had an idea in my head how marriage would be as vert said

"salad days" with my new wife -- traveling, sex, companionship, going out

 

the girl means the world to me and at the moment its wrecking my head.

 

roofergirl thank you for the kind offer of the pm.

the way i have looked at it is if the roles where reversed (i had the kids) surely it would slightly easier for the girl as more than likely i wouldnt permanently have my kids as in most situations they'd live with the mother.

 

and yes the "other parent" is a serious problem and has been from day one.

[Vert]

and yes the "other parent" is a serious problem and has been from day one.

 

Ah yes, the "baby's daddy/momma" situation... How are you handling this? Is it really a sore point and a spot of a lot of anger/frustration? IMO this is a serious stumbling block that you'll need to figure out far ahead of any of the physical concerns you have about sex, free time, etc. because her ex is going to be a serious pain in your side if he's already being nasty.

[dpc036]

that in its self kind of controls when we get free time. he only has the kids once a week and isnt usually that helpful.

 

looking at it from his point of view i can kinda see his problem with me. but i guess thats just me bein reasonable.

the guy is a loser.

 

meeting and being with the girl has made me think further and hard about the future than i ever probably would have.

 

the fact she has kids has made me think about having them, about settling down buying a house and all that sort of stuff.

 

but do i want my own kids to be even associated with this guy.

 

maybe my "rose tinted" view of how a marriage/family should be needs updating!

 

she is a really great girl and i think that makes it such a head wrecker.

and i feel like the fact i am even considering it says how much she means to me.

[melrich]

your partner will always put those kids first, before you, even, and you cant let that get to you.

 

This is probably the most difficult thing about it. You are unlikely to ever be no.1 and you have to be able to live with that.

 

Dealing with the father is another thing you have to accept for the long term and associated with that, the issues the kids are likely to have in the future in terms of their conflicting loyalties.

 

Being a step parent van be very rewarding but it is also one of the more difficult relationships a person can have. You are right to put a lot of thought into it. I have no doubt that if you continue this relationship it will ultimately lead to you falling in love with the kids and them with you (don't expect that to happen immediately or even in the medium term).

[Shadows Light]

Quote:

your partner will always put those kids first, before you, even, and you cant let that get to you.

 

 

This is probably the most difficult thing about it. You are unlikely to ever be no.1 and you have to be able to live with that.

 

This is a tough one... because kids do come first even in a conventional marriage... its hard for many men to accept. The children are only small for soooo long and need so much attention. Many men will get jealous of this attention. Its not to do anything with the guy.. its just on a "needs" scale... kids can not take care of themselves.. They have greater needs when they are smaller...and need love, attention, time etc etc.

 

You have to be willing to accept that. Have to be willing to play second fiddle for a while. And if you embrace the kids.. .as you would your own. things would be sooo much easier.

 

No.. situation as a "Step" will not be easy. Nor dealing with a NASTY ex spouse.. its a fine fine line you walk. BUT.. I think I heard you say.....

 

but do i want my own kids to be even associated with this guy.

Here you are making a huge mistake my friend.. and I say this with all due respect. When you marry this woman.. you marry her.. and all her baggage. That means "HER KIDS" become in a sense yours. If you do not get past that.. HERS.. MINE.. OURS.. then you ship will have sunk. There was a cute movie called "HERS, MINE and OURS" Lucille Ball played in it.. her 6 kids.. and his 7 kids.. .and they had one of their own... now thats a CRAZY house... cute though.. loved the movie.

 

I think.. since you are asking the question.. which you should ask.. then you may not be ready to ACCEPT. How long have you dated her???? How long have you known her??? That all comes into play. NO.. just because she has kids doesn't disqualify her.. but you should think about it. And you should date quite a bit.. before hand.

 

I think what upsets me the most is when people marry on such short aquaintance. And when children are invovled.. they just drag the kids down with them. NOT GOOD. Kids need loving stable homes.. whether its a single parent.. conventional 2 parent home.. or a STEP situation. YES, your paths forward on your journey is different with a woman with children. But it goes back to what you can.. tolerate.. and by what rules you want to play by.

 

My brother used to have a rule not date a woman with children. At age 35.. the field of pickings is getting narrower and narrower. He's changed the rules a bit... he does now.. but.. he doesn't ask them out again if he see's that they do not put their CHILDREN first of ABOVE him. He see's it as wrong...and says.. if he had kids with her.. she wouldn't care for his kids either.. hmmmm just his thinking... on what makes a good mom.

 

Take your time. Don't rush. Date for a while. You are only 26 and have lots of time...

[dpc036]

I have been seeing her for 4 years.

i know that she will put the kids first, it is hard to take sometimes but i think im ok with it most of the time. yes there has been some adjustment on my part as it is all new me to me.

 

I think what upsets me the most is when people marry on such short aquaintance. And when children are invovled.. they just drag the kids down with them. NOT GOOD. Kids need loving stable homes

 

that is a good point. and her kids are something else i know i now need to take into account.

[Shadows Light]

You've been seeing her for four years. I think after four years she may have some expectations of you. And the kids would have certainly grown attached to you.

 

Besides the X spouse... what trepidations do you have about kids?

 

Marriage at its best is hard work. But its doable if you both work at it.

 

I applaud you for thinking in terms of kids...and the possibility of accepting them. Your lady love has had her hands full these past years raising these kids. And I'll bet you've been her rock and the person who's been anchoring her emotionally.

 

Have you discussed any of these feelings with her? How much time do you spend with the children? If you leave now you know that it will not only hurt your lady..but it will hurt the children.

 

As I mentioned in a previous post....even in conventional marriages many men feel a loss once children come into the picture. They dynamics change. But it doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or care for you.

 

If you both make time for the kids... then you both make time for each other. Carreers and responsibilities will change the dynamics of a relationship. You'll find this in every relationship...not just in a ready made family.

[dpc036]

Yes we do try and talk about this but generally dont get anywhere.

i think she finds it difficult to see what my problem is. she is of the opinion that if i love her as much as i say i do id just be able to do it.

i can see her point and i think it has been said in this discussion. but i still dont think it is as simple as that.

 

with a more "conventional" (lets say) relationship i'd have time to grow into the responsibilities of children and marriage etc together with her.

instead now id be thrown straight into it. id go from only really having to look after myself to looking after a family.

 

she has had her hands full bringin them up on her own and i know it has been hard for her. but she has done a great job and the kids are generally well behaved. i know kids are kids and they will have their "moments".

 

the kids have grown attached, this was something i was conscious of in the early days. and the fact that they have makes the discission even more difficult.

 

im not only thinking of myself. but the kids feelings and of course the girls.