I can't go on...

[hopeofheart]

I just don't think I have it in me anymore to live on. I have been dreading this day for the last 2 years but I'm afraid my life is about to come to the crashing end. I can't control my tears; I am nobody in life and my heart bleeds. I don't want to die but I just don't see how I can get myself out of this quagmire of agony.

 

I've always been a reclusive person, crowd always bothered me, and I had myself for so long. I graduated from college last year and been looking for a job since. Meanwhile, I've been working with my dad and he has been treating me less than a dog. My whole problem evolves around my family, father, mother, and sister, treating me like a 4-year-old. Their attitude towards me are extremely condescending. Since I work for my dad and suffer from social anxiety, my parents constantly putting me down and walk all over me and threatening to kick me out of the house. I only make $3/hr with my dad working 6 days a week and I can't afford renting a place.

 

I am not a kind of person who long having friends or be an attention seeker. My parents expectation is high and they assume everyone must be social butterfly; I can't be, that's just the fact. I can't reason with them and frankly can't argu either because they keep reminding me that I am a step away from living on the street. I've been trying to find a job in my field but no luck so far. My fear is if I ever get thrown out, I would have no choice to end my life because I can't stand the thought of being homeless and dig into dumpsters. Part of me yearn to live but with current situations, I don't think I would be able to see my next birthday. People say you'll ge through it, but I just don't see it. I don't want to be afraid when I end my life. All I wanted in my life to find a job so I can live a very modest life but I may have no choice but take my last steps off the cliff to my death. I just wish I had someone who would give me that job. I can vividly feel a moment when I off in the air going down to my demise. There is no turning back and I wish I could experience life. My heart aches...

[darkblue]

A lot of people are in similiar situations to you. There is hope.

 

Stay with your job for now - while searching for a new one and save, get your own place and never have to answer to your parents again. Most importantly - don't let them take you down. Don't let them get to you because you too are a human being; you too have the right to a life, to happiness and everything that goes with it.

 

What is the most important thing in the world to you?

[CrystalDawn]

I know how you feel and it's okay not to like being around alot of people. Look for jobs not only in your town but in towns that are close by. Also you can look online for possiblites that might be in your area. Don't give up.

[settinuplife]

I would get away from your parents and family definitely, that is probably why you are so down. Parent's can really make you depressed when they come down on you alot. Get out as soon as you save enough for a deposit on an apartment and go get a job ANYWHERE else where you are at least guaranteed minimum wage which is more than $3 an hour, until you can find a job in your field. Finding a good job is one of the hardest things to do in life. I would then strongly recommend you get put on some social anxiety pills which would help you with your shyness greatly. The most important first step is getting away from your parents, and once you find another job you will start to make friends and your life will start to fall in place - I guarantee. Please don't end it becuase if you do all these things it will get so much better!

[Shadows Light]

There is always "Light" at the end of every tunnel.

 

Dark is right... there are many people in your position. YOU DO HAVE it in you to make it. You just completed college last year. I know you have it in you... you have stick-to-iveness.. which is a lot more than many others in the world have.

 

From here to Nuclear war... I'd say you were doing good.

 

When I was at the lowest of my lows someone pointed out to me.. that I didn't live in a house with dirt floors, I didn't have to walk 5 miles to get clean water..and I was educated. I lived in one of the most proseperous countries in the whole world.

 

I know feeling like the end is the only way... but you are here, and you are amongst friends. Many of us on this forum have hit that point. And darlin there is only one way to go from here UP.

 

You have a job with your father. Good. Keep it. What can u do to look for work? Have u tried the job boards at your college? Thats a great place to start? what is your degree in? How can we help you? Tell us a little more about yourself. What type of work are you interested in?

Give us a try on these boards... now that you've found us. I know we can help pick you up. Thats what people do for one another.

[darkblue]

Well said SL.

 

I fully agree. You're not in dire circumstances - you just have to pick yourself up from this hurdle.

 

Think about the things that mean the most to you.

 

When I was at my lowest points - I was asked that question 'what is the most important thing in the world, to you?', in my head I answered 'my future'. That's what kept me going, the knowing that I can change my future. I can pick myself up and carry on.

[thisisnotanexit]

please don't give up. there's always a reason to live. here's a reason: it's not worth it! you're so young, really. things CAN change, just continue to hang in there. i've been there, i know it's hard. this won't last forever. continue to live. one day you will be out in the world and you can live your own life and you will meet all kinds of people and see all kinds of places. don't give up. please. there is help out there. you sound like a very smart, wonderful person. talk to someone about how you're feeling. if you need to, contact an emergency help number here

 

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don't listen to your family. you're a great person and you're going to make it. you're going to do what you want to do one day and you're going to have your own life. don't let what they say hurt you. they're wrong. you sound like an amzing person...please don't listen to them.

 

don't give up, you're so young, you can get through this. the world will not remain an ugly place. we understand you here and so do many others! you will not feel this way forever, i promise. your family will not control you forever and you WILL find a job one day. this is temporary, remember that.

 

before you really hurt yourself, please remember that you WILL NOT feel this way forever. i know things are hard right now, believe me, i've been there. but you will get through this. believe me, you're not alone. there are people out there that can help you. please talk to someone about how you're feeling. it's awesome that you're talking about it here, but you can talk to other people like your friends, family, a therapist, etc. there is help. don't give up, it's not worth it.

 

hang in there, you're gonna be ok. life is hard sometimes, believe me i've had these same feelings. but believe me, suicide is NOT worth it. you're NOT going to feel like this forever. growing up is hard, but i promise very soon there will come a day when you feel much better. you're so young, don't give up now. it's really not worth it. for now try to do things that make YOU happy. watch good movies, listen to good music, hang out with friends, TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT HOW YOU'RE FEELING, write, read, exercise, take a walk (it's supposed to help depression). you know, try to occupy your time with things that make you happy. we're all here for you here. we all care about you. you're a special person in our eyes . please just hang in there, you are going to feel better. and again, don't be afrad to talk to more people about the way you are feeling. they are there to help you. remember, you are loved! please don't give up, you've got so much life left to live.

 

contact me or anyone here if you want!,

 

oh yeah, what did you major in at college? if you search around online, you can probably find more information about job openings. keep looking around for job openings, check the newspapers, and be sure to search online. there are jobs out there for you, just don't give up! check out this site, i think it'll help a lot.

 

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remember, you're not alone and we care about you here no matter what. we're here for you and we want to listen.

 

you're not alone! PLEASE check out these sites, they really help

 

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take care!!

[sorryJason]

Whatever you do, don't give up!! Just think if you give up they win! There will always be people in this world who want to stop you from achieving anything! There are many reasons why they do this but don't let them stop you!

 

I know exactly where you are coming from, I grew up on a farm where my dad was the same way, but he also physically and mentally abused me, but I did everything I could to get away from there as fast as I could.

 

You have to stop telling yourself that you can't do these things, find some sort of motivation! I used to be just like you, I went from job to job, then one day I just got so sick of it and said "I am going to get a good job" well after listening to Tony Robbins tapes a couple million times I did get a good job, then you know what, from that job, I moved to an even better job! All because I was motivated to! You have to go into a job interview with a good attitude, say to yourself that you deserve this job, that you deserve to be happy, because you do!

 

I know what you are feeling right now, I myself have been very close to suicide many times in my life, I even had a gun in my hand one time and had all my friends telling me not to do it. It didn't matter what they said, it only mattered what I felt, but the one thing I thought about was..If I kill myself then what, think about all the things that I wouldn't have experienced, yes some bad, but some of the most beautiful things in the world that I experienced happened after that brush with suicide. Just think about all the things that you will miss if you commit suicide.

 

I will pray for you if that is OK with you. Please find someone to talk to, someone who really understands you, we are all here for you.

[hopeofheart]

Maybe my tunnel has caved in under pressure and now I'm trapped; there is no way out, there is no way in. Maybe my only glimmer of hope is the burning candle melting to the end of stick. Maybe I wasn't meant to last. I am not like most people; I can't do most tasks. I don't belong here...

 

I can't talk to anyone, I have no one; not a single friend, not a single phone number. It doesn't bother me that I am in such isolated situation; I hate to say this but I find strength in my own solitude. What wrings me is that my immediate family member, due to fear of me being a failure which I am so far in life, taking a very aggressive and demeaning approach towards my life style. So much so that I get an impression they are getting a rise out of being emotionally and pyschologically abusive, deliberately or unintentionally.

 

I have had aboue half a dozen sever depression episodes since the last semester of college and it is gradually getting to the point that I ponder whether this psychological torment is physically possible to endure. Sometimes I beg for an 18-wheeler to struck my car head to head; it never happens then I pull over and weep, weep for my kismet. I am not an irrational person. I know giving the right circumstances, I can pursue happiness but at the same time I've come to the conclusion that I've pretty much exhuasted all my options.

 

I graduated from a demanding university with BS of CS hoping to find a job in software development/engineering field but alas! not shortly after I realized I may have no chance of making it. Maybe I just don't have it in me; everyone rejected me... Everyone. Sounds like a reflection of my true life.

 

I normally ruminate upon the last few hours of my life. I don't want to have my thoughts lingering on how everyone else may discern my action. No fear, I want it to be as peaceful as it can be. I want to do one thing, only one deed right in my life. My mind is numb and disconnected and hopelessness is the instinct I am compelled to possess.

[thisisnotanexit]

hey

i think i know how you feel. you feel like things are never going to change or get any better. but there is something very important to remember - things WILL change and things WILL get better. i know it's frustrating going so long without a job, but it will happen one day. just think..if you end your life, you're ruining all chances of ANYTHING. life is hard, i understand. but please, don't give up. you've got a long life ahead of you, full of possibilities and opportunities. don't give all of that away becasue things are hard right now. don't let your family get to you. they're wrong. you're a great, hard working and motivated person. you don't have to be exposed to their behavior your entire life. that will change too. you won't always have to be around them. please, again, don't give up...it's not worth it. this is, i promise you, very temporary. death, on the other hand, is very very permanent. please keep going. and you do have someone to talk to you...you do have someone who cares and who will listen. we all care about you here and want to help in any way we can. we will listen no matter what. also, try this number

 

1-800-SUICIDE

they will listen and provide you with the help that you need, 24/7 and it's confidential.

 

please, just don't end your life. hang in there, and remember, we're here for you. take care

[MetallicAguy]

I pretty much agree with this, I felt like adding something.

 

 

I had the same attitude when I was younger. I had this attitude:

It's because you SAY you can't. Anything is possible, thereforeeee you can do it. You are meant to last, and you can do tasks, you just believe you can't do it because your depression is mind-controlling you to think that...lol.

 

When your angry and need to vent, listen to some music that should make you feel better, for example You Can't bring me down by Suicidal Tendencies should help you out. It might not be your style but that's why its an example. It worked for me, if you don't like the example, find another kind of music with that concept. Some modern metal can have that concept, you have to look. If you do look in the metal category, don't get into the black metal category, because that'll just depress the hell out of you and you DON'T need that.

 

Yeah I like what sorry Jason said. If you give up they achieved what they were trying to do, to get you upset and depressed. You can't let them win, you have to fight back and stand up for yourself, you can't let people walk all over you. And if your sick of these people, don't let them win what they're trying to do. Stand up for yourself as well. Maybe not towards your parents because you work for them and if you disrespect them you might become homeless or something like you said..but other people if there is any, helping your depression stand up for yourself, don't take their ****.