porn issues

[dak6]

I have been battling jealousy all my life but I feel it affects my love life the most. I have been with my current boyfriend for a year and a half and things are going alright but this problem is bugging me to the point of sleep loss. It may seem like a small problem for some, but I get uncontrollably jealous and angry about my boyfriend looking at porn or anything that includes scarcely clad women (of course him gazing at real-life attractive women angers me too, but that's a different story). He has told me he won't do it again, but after all, he is a guy and the fact that he sometimes can't help it is what angers me the most. What can I do? I feel bad for nagging and checking and prodding him to keep his promise, but yet porn viewing in a commited relationship is just disrespectful and absolutely against my morals. Of course I don't deny that it is stimulating and there would be nothing wrong if he wasn't in a relationship with someone, but I just break down everytime I find evidence that he has looked at something. I will probably never accept his porn viewing (not that he's obssesed or anything, I've only caught him one time after he promised not to) I don't see the need to. Mostly, I'm looking for a way to trust him when he says he understands and will never do it again.

Does anyone have the same case? Words of advice are much appriciated!

[cal_014]

well i am in a very good relationship with my girl and she is my first actual love and its great to have, i occasionally do look at porn as well i still love my girl just as much its just something that i could probly safely say all guys do whether they're in a relationship or not.

[dak6]

alright, i just read the post a ways down from mine concerning the same topic. i've tried this time and time again, and i always get the same replies from people. *prepares to be bashed* but as someone stated, porn is an addition to the world, and it doesn't mean just because males are MADE TO DO IT that women are MADE TO ACCEPT IT. this battle will probably go on eternally... anyway, any comments are welcome =)

[miscom]

Ask yourself why it bothers you. More often than not, it is due to an insecurity of some sort. At least that's what it was for me. I had a terrible time with that plus the fact that his libido was "down" due to great weight gain. So that was all playing on my mind....

Anyway, I really thought about why I was mad and as I was getting mad, I would ask myself if it was worth the argumetn that it was going to cause... it rarely was worth it.

One day, I just woke up (literally) and did not care anymore. Kind of had the whatever attitude. I don't know how or why, but it happened. I guess I just realized that it is a guy thing (not all guy thing) but it is a guy thing. I look at it as well. If that is the worst thing he does, then I am pretty lucky. Everything else in the relationship is great. We only fight when I get a jealous twinge or something and that is all my own insecurity and jealousy.

Take a breath. If it really is something that you do not foresee getting past, or coming to terms with, then you should really talk to him about it. There is one guy on this forum that has quit looking at porn, I am not sure whyhe did it, but it shows that it can be done.

If he knows how important it is to you, he will stop looking without slipping.

For me, I just know it was my issue and I was being a hypocrit due to the fact that I watch it...I was the one who had to get a grip on everything. I wish you luck with this as I know exactly how you are feeling, I was there not too long ago! Chin up - you will be fine!

[djedix]

Watch it with him.

[jevonj77]

Well well well...the problem seems to be what people believe are their morals...

 

From a christian perspective, a boyfriend watching porn is clearly wrong due to the fact that when he does so, he finds himself lusting over the other women in the films and such. The fact is that he is finding himself wanting to have sex with them and actually doing so in his mind. Yes, this should frustrate you...according to this perspective.

 

Some people in this forum have suggested that men are made to watch porn. I guess that before porn was ever availiable, men in general just died off then.

 

The watching of porn is not something that you have to except. Yes, just like any addiction, once someone gets addicted, it is hard to stop. This does not mean though, that one can not stop, and had no control over it in the beggining. I am sure that just because men may want to have sex with as many women as they can, this does not mean that they will. What is my point in saying this, it is clearly that a man, let alone people, do have the power to control themselves.

 

Another thing you may want to think of, is are you having enough sex with your partner. A man generally thinks about sex much more than women do. It is most likely that when he feels the urge or such and doesn't have a real way to release what he is feeling, he finds that this is a great form of release. Does that make it right? No it does not. I am sure that if someone were to start taking heroine...it would feel great to them...however simply because of this fact does not mean that it is thereforeeee right. So, you must make sure that you are meeting your guy's physical needs as well as his emotional needs.

 

You must clearly state to your boyfriend what is it that you consider the final line or getting close to this as you have already told him.

 

All in all...the watching of porn may come in handy for educational purposes, in terms of learning new things to do with you...but once it has crossed that line, which it clearly will( kind of like playing with fire) it is nesessary for it to stop. The porn then becomes a substitute for what you are generally supposed to be taking care of.

[miscom]

Another thing you may want to think of, is are you having enough sex with your partner. A man generally thinks about sex much more than women do. It is most likely that when he feels the urge or such and doesn't have a real way to release what he is feeling, he finds that this is a great form of release.

 

I really cannot say that I agree. There was a point when I was the one who wanted to have sex more often. I am not sure - he says it is due to his weight gain, but he is usually tired by the time the night comes around and we have not had as much as I would like. His energy has decreased quite a bit since the weight gain, and I can understand that, and empathize.

 

But what I really disagree with is the fact that more often than not, every one wants to put the pressure on the woman to please the man. Take care of him, dress up for him, dance for him, etc...

I have yet to read a post telling a man to make sure he takes care of his woman, make sure you take care of her sexually, emotionally, and physically, dance for her, dress up for her. If there is such a post - someone link me to it - I would love to read it!

 

Anyway - back ot the subject at hand. Porn is there, there is no getting rid of it....as much as some of us would like to. This subject will be on this forum until the end of time.

Ultimately, it comes down to this - either you get over it, or you get over him. If it is something more of a religious belief - then chances are you are not goign toget over it and you will have to find someone who does not watch or like porn. If it is more of your own jealousy and insecurity (as it was me) then you still have a choice, but that choice is made from level of importance.

[mrkrinkle2]

Here's the thing we all at one point have looked or have seen porn. I feel sometimes it's actually nice to watch it with your lover you get ideas or just laugh at it. Make it a fun time not I don't trust him time. Better him watching it on TV then doing something in real life. Find some movies you could watch together. Honestly it's not as bad as you think it is. I have had a few girl friends watch it with me, and it's actually fun. If anything it could get you guys in the mood to a point were instead of watching the movie he's watching you. All guys watch porn well for th most part. It's normal thing. Sooooo learn to like it with him! If anything after awhile he won't even be intrested in it His eye's will be on you!

[kenneth05]

>What can I do?

get over yourself.

if he enjoys looking at other women, scantily clad or not, you should join him, if you can and say, yes, that is an attractive woman. as long as he is sleeping with you alone, why on earth do you care what he is looking at? wanting to control what your mate looks at and think about is excessive and destructive.

this obsession among women about their men looking at porn is ridiculous self-indulgence.

get over it, and enjoy your bf.

[jevonj77]

It seems that you have already solved your own problem. Well there is not much more to say but that you should then thereforeeee make up your mind as to what you are going to do.

 

The other thing is that this forum was about you. I am not going to say what the guy should be doing. I addressed the fact that porn, from a religious perspective was wrong and you have said that it was due mostly to your insecurities. Or maybe that is just you rationalizing.

 

Yes, a relationship is 100percent, 100 percent. The guy has just as much responsiblity to satisfy the woman as the woman has to satisfy the man. However, I was speaking in general. It is shown scientifically, well, through resent research evidence and such how the male thinks about sex more than a female does. Maybe not in your case, but this is how it is generally. Does this mean that the male should not please the woman as much as possible...no it does not as you already know.

 

Should maybe your boyfriend get over his weight problem and his apparent shame.?..yes. But unless more of his situation is disclossed, I can not address that. The situation was about porn, and not you not getting enough from him sexually.

[RooferGirl23]

I can understand your feelings of jealousy on the subject but i really dont think he will stop it. Its better than him going out and cheating, right? My guy likes porn and we view it together. We use it as a tool to try to do different things together. I know for a fact that he views it when he's alone, also, but I dont let it bother me. What DOES bther me is if my guy was chatting live with girls on the net. (which i have busted him doing so) so i'd much rather him look at the pictures then chatting.

If your are dead set against it, then I think its going to cause some problems, more than it allready has b/c it will always be an issue. Try making it something you guys can do together. and if you cant stand that idea at all, then things may not look so good. I doubt that he will stop viewing it entirely. But, everyone is different.

[miscom]

JevonJ77 -

But it was not my post that started this thread. Someone needed advice with a situation similar to what I had gone through. I am not complaining (anymore) and I know it is my own insecurities due to the fact that I would get angry if it wasn't even porn....any woman in the general vacinity would make my eyes widen. These are things that I don't have to rationalize, I have to get over them and become a more confident woman. Perhaps his weight has made his libido nose dive, I can understand that b/c I had gone through that as well, but I have since lost the weight.

It is not that I want sex and think about it more than the average 33 year old woman.... it is the fact that I was insecure and thereforeeee wanted constant reassurance that he was attracted to me, found me sexy and desired me....the porn fed my insecrities.

Do I condone porn? Well, I guess I cannot rightfully say much about it since I do watch an occaisional flick every now and then.

But remember, this thread was not started b/c of my insecurities, it was started by another user who wanted some advice and I think that a few replies tended to lose sight of the fact that she needed advice and not holier than thou opinions. If you had gone through something similar and gotten past it, or gotten rid of it, then fine - but to judge and look down on morals and religious beliefs or lack thereof is simply not fair to her or me for that matter.

It really is not that big of a deal to me anymore as it once was. I just wanted to try to let her know that she was not alone and someone actually overcame the issue.

[Vert]

Another thing you may want to think of, is are you having enough sex with your partner. A man generally thinks about sex much more than women do. It is most likely that when he feels the urge or such and doesn't have a real way to release what he is feeling, he finds that this is a great form of release.

 

I really cannot say that I agree. There was a point when I was the one who wanted to have sex more often. I am not sure - he says it is due to his weight gain, but he is usually tired by the time the night comes around and we have not had as much as I would like. His energy has decreased quite a bit since the weight gain, and I can understand that, and empathize.

 

I actually disagree with you, miscom. When I was in a healthy sexual relationship with my ex-gf, I never cared to look at sex, masterbate, or do any of those things. Generally most men will be satisfied with a sex life that borders normalcy (once a day or so), but when their partner starts witholding sex then the guy will go looking for porn to satisfy it. This is by no means an excuse, but I know that I used to look at porn at least 3x a week prior to my ex, and I never cared to when I was with her because she took care of that need. Anyway, I'm right now trying to break the addiction of sex and masterbation, and have been free of it for a week (before I broke down last week I'd been free for 2 weeks). It's tough, but it's all mind over matter.

[miscom]

But what don't you agree with what I said? His excuse that his weight has made him feel less desireable, libido down? What do you not agree with? So what you are saying is that if a man is having sex every day, which is not the case in my relationship, then he will not have the desire to look at porn?

I read in a post here a short time ago where a man said that it does not matter if a man has sex on a regular basis, that he will still look at porn because men are just horny creatures. We women are suppoed to just accept that and move on. "Oh men, silly creatures!"

Most of the men on this site have ridiculed women for havinga rpblem with it. When I was having a problem with it, most people were telling me that men and porn is normal. Now, all of a sudden, men are crawling out of the woodwork who don't watch or believe in pron, or who are reformed porn watchers....

So what is really being said here? Men watch porn because they are not satisfied with their mate?

[jevonj77]

You seem a little angry and maybe had I been in your position I would be too. However, you can not blame those guys that do not watch porn because there are many men that do. I am also an individual that does not watch porn at all. It is simply my belief. Now I do understand that what guys will say is that pron is just a natural thing and that men will watch it. What I have tried to show is that of course this is nonsense. Yes men are natuarally more sexually prone than women even though there are women that are more so than men. The issue here is your husband watching porn. He is doing this because he is not satisfied sexually...yes, some guys are just out of control and are going to do that and still be with their woman. It is kind of like some guys are going to date more than one girl, no matter what. They in my book just have a problem that needs to be dealt with. The fact that your boyfriend is watching porn is not because he isn't enjoying it...it is because he is. So what is being feed at this time, is it his intellect, his curiosity, or his sex drive. Now he may be too ashamed of himself to address you about his problems with his weight and that he feels uncomfortable having sex...his ego is probably hurt and some guys just find the easy way of handling the problem. So since he doesn't feel like he can take care of it, but is still in need of sex and is still self conscious...well then he goes and wathces porn...ahh a relife. This however, does not make it right...he is just avoiding the issue. Tell your boyfriend what you think...you have to build his self esteem up. Now look...if he is down, and you are up, you must do something about it, and vice versa. So, don't judge us based on what others have said. We can not answer every post that is posted, and when a guy talks about guys, just like in any case, it is based on the guys that he knows unless he is speaking about scientific data and general nation wide surveys.

[miscom]

Nope - no anger here...just confused for a minute. Not sure why people keep thinking that I am the one who started the thread and that I still have a problem with him watching porn, I don't. I watch it, so as a result of the posts in this thread, I am one of hte sinners and immoral people. No anger though - everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

That is the problem with writing things - the true emotion does not come through the black and white type. I was set back at one point, from confusion.

The initial post was not even mine, yet the problem is. Still confused. I just watned to help whoever it was who started the thread by letting her know that she was not alone and I was able to overcome it. Why do I feel like a broken record?

Anyway - I understand the point that you are trying to make, really I do. It is just a difference in opinion and beliefs and at first, I needed them to be explained.

Accuse me of being confused, not angry - especially if you were in my postiion - whatever that means

[jevonj77]

You know, it is funny but you are right. You are not the one that started this thread. Ok...I get it now, because I can remember in one of your earlier post, with it sounding like you already had your answer to this problem. So, it makes more sense now. With so little time, and simply getting directly to where my last post was, and seeing the one that sounds the most like they had the original issue, I just didn't check the facts. You sounded, in some of your responses, like maybe you were the one who started the post. So no one bothered to check. That's all.

Aparently the individual that started this post has not answered back...so there is not much that can be done about that. Sorry for the apparent confusion.

[Vert]

I guess it just boils down to why women don't want to watch it WITH their men? My ex-gf loved to finger herself while I watched, and I know that if she was watching porn to masterbate to then I'd definitely be there to help out as needed .

[miscom]

I know - I have been wondering if she was going to reply with all the advice and such that was going on.....

 

She still around?

[dak6]

sorry for taking so long to reply. well, i don't think porn viewing has anything to do with disatisfaction in our sex life. i do my best to please him yet i seem to be the one who always wants sex now, and he blames his loss of libido on the fact i banned porn from him, but this makes me insanely mad because i believe that in a healthy relationship, sexual stimulation should stem from each other, and not from an outside source. i have also thought over watching it with him. but again, i don't want to be just the "flesh" that he directs his lustings (from looking at other women). my feelings are hard to put into words and i apologize if this is a bit hard to understand.

[jevonj77]

Hello...first I would like to say that I can feel what you are going through...you almost feel like you are being cheated on...but think well it is only the televison..."thereforeeee not real"...well the effects seem to be very real...

 

I want you to know that there are those who would feel the same way that you feel. I for one, do not watch porn...why, because I know that it will cause a problem in my current relationship. Instead of finding new ways of making my current relationship interesting, I would be simply using porn instead...and as you said...when I felt that I was made horny enough by the women in the videos...then maybe I would want my partner as someone to "use"...not because I loved her...but just because I had to get one off.

 

Society tends to accept things that they know are wrong just because many people are doing it, and because it is very hard to stop...and also because it is very profitable for many. You should not be feeling like what you are feeling is wrong...you should know that their are many that feel that what you are feeling is right...that he should not be doing this and should stop and get with the program.

 

Now, I come from a Christian perspective on this. The reason I say this is because what you are talking about is a question of what is right and wrong. In your mind, you say that wathcing porn is wrong and that it is hurtful, while your mate is saying that it is ok and that you should allow him to do it. Well it seems that both of you have different perspectives about the whole thing.

 

Let him know exactly where you stand...it is as if he is having sex with the characters in the television...he gets sexually aroused...begins masturbating probably, and then reaches orgasm...all through the television, and then when you come home, or are ready, he can not even fulfill part of his duty as your mate and satisfy you sexually.

 

We all know that a woman and a man get togheter, not just to talk, but also because of the physical. Unless it was understood at the beggining of your relationship that he would give you part of himself sexually...then I don't see on what grounds does he have for coming up with this attitude now.

 

You may want him to tell you more of what he would like you to do in order for him to want to have more sex with you...because it is quite evident that he still has a very active sex drive...just that it is partially directed towards the television and not you.

 

If this doesn't work...you must really start evalutating what significance does he really place on this relationship and decide on what you are going to do about that. Maybe the relationship is not that important to him...and he wishes to be with the porn more than with you...I know that this sounds rediculous...but ...

[dak6]

^thank you for your reply. i'm glad that there are at least some men who understand what i feel. of course, most of my discomfort comes from my own insecurities and jealousy, but another part of the problem is my anger towards society itself. i detest the fact that i got caught up in the trap of the very things i hate the most. for example, i hate to admit that i feel inferior to some women because of my smaller chest, but being a very self conscious person, everything around me that i see seems to suggest that society's "ideal female" is tall, thin and reveals too much cleavage. my boyfriend, of course, tells me that it's all in my mind and to stop playing the victim. i would agree, but his actions confuse me. i mean, he tells me to stop b*tching because i'm perfect in his mind and that he wouldn't change a thing about me, but then he goes and jerks off to fake blonde bimbos. isn't that ironic? i feel that i've been cheated or something.

[jevonj77]

Look there is a simple saying...that actions speak louder than words...

 

If I sit here and say...I will never hit you and then I do...then I say I will never do it again, and then I do...what does this mean? It means that what I am saying does not add up to what I am doing.

 

It is simple...a lot of guys like girls with big breast and she has to be a certain height and a certain weight...great great great...this does not mean that a lot of guys would marry one of these...but if such a girl also had a nice personality and such...well then maybe...if she were your type...( this is just the facts...many guys change once they are with a very nice woman...but I believe that this was part of their secret desires before they were with the woman that they are with now...if she does not have large breast. Large breast simply show a sign of fertility and something in the guys phyci, just pulls him towards that. Does it mean that she is more fertile than you? Of course not. There are many other things that indicate fertility, like the hips of a woman, her menstrual cycle, the fact that she has breast at all...and things of that nature.)

 

My girlfriend of now does not have large breast and does not have blonde hair and wears her hair short...now she is thin...but it is not due to her over indulgence in trying to keep up with Hollywood...she's been thin all her life. However, before her, I always wanted a girl with large breast...just say, if you had could choose, would you not choose one with large breast, the exact way that you like, plus a good personality? Well, I would.

 

So what changed...first I liked a girl with large breast and then my girlfriend comes along with a nice attitude and I thought she is very pretty. So then my whole view point just shifted over...I see her as perfect...in what way am I saying this...I have to be clear because no human is perfect. The combination of her personality, background, looks, intelligence, has made her as perfect as a human woman could be to me. Now I am not a fool. This does not mean that now I go around and swim with naked women and go around kissing other girls and such because I think this of her. Why? Simply because I do not want to hurt her...even though now, I could resist such things( that is doing them without being emotionally involved) this won't last and sooner or later, I will be taking some of what is hers and only hers and sharing it with others that I am not committed to.

 

Now what one must understand, is that societies virtual model of what a "beautiful" woman is, changes with each generation or so. One time it's the thin women, then it's the big breasted women, then it is slightly larger women than the ones that are envisioned now. The point is that society will always change...does this mean that you must follow it at all its turns and such trying to keep up? Of course not, for this is foolish. I don't like breast that are too big, because I think that that is just grooss...but a little decent size is ok and great on the right woman...but I wouldn't care if they were on the wrong woman.

 

Ok for me, now that I am with my girlfriend, and I truly do love her...I see her as very beautiful and a big breasted woman could stand naked in front of me and I wouldn't even budge. Why is that? For one, I am not sitting around watching naked women, while talking about I can handle it and such. Becuase this does not work. Two, I focus on my girlfriend...yes, I can find other women not ugly, but I have mind discipline over this. Three, I am really into my woman and this makes it easy. Four, I am not stupid...you don't sit in front of naked women for days on end and just say that you can handle it. Anyone who says that is lieing to themselves and as your boyfriend and many other men have proven, they can't handle it.

 

The other thing is this that you seem to maybe be going in the state of trying to rationalize his behavior and calling it jealousy in yourself. Look, say what it is...it's wrong. Look, if a girl that your boyfriend new kissed him on the cheek, that would be ok...right? Why, maybe because it is not going too far and such...whatever reasons you have and such. But if this same girl then went and started french kissing him and such and rubbing on his body what would you say? Well, you might say that well I am just jealous, he says that he likes me just the way that I am. Or you might try to ask him why is he doing that...do you think that in such a case you would have to explain to him why what he allowed her to do is wrong? What is your reasoning process in this case to determine that it is wrong or right...being that she kissed him on the cheek before and it was ok...but later when she french kissed him it was not ok. I think it has to do with the level of emotional involvement as well as some of the physical. Well it is quite clear that both the emotional and physical are being envolved here...just one thing that is off...that he is using that they are not there touching him...now you must decide...

 

What your boyfriend is doing to you is in my mind just clearly wrong. It does not take me that long to see that. Maybe this is not the case for others...but just how great are their relationships...whether they "think" it is or not. Just because someone says something, does not mean that they mean it or even know what they are saying. Many men say things just to get or keep a girl...you must judge more clearly by how closely their actions follow what they have said. Yes people will make mistakes...but then they will regret it and try to change with sincerity. If they love you that is...Remember, he is just your boyfriend and you are not married...I believe that people date in order to "see" if this is what they would like...and not because it is permanent.

[teddy202]

I totally agree with you. As I was reading your post it was as if I had written it myself. I am so tired of always feeling like I have to compete. Everywhere you look theres naked women and people having sex. My boyfriend likes porn, promises he won't watch it anymore, out of respect for me but at the same time, he resents me for it, so how is that the answer. I really don't know what to do anymore. I hate porn, its disgusting and immoral and if he wants to watch it then I'm afraid it won't be with me. Even though he says he won't watch it, he gets off on the hard core stuff, so how can I trust him.

[Taurean]

Watching porn is his own private affair. You honestly dont know what he feels whilst watching porn. The best way is for you, yourself, to grow more secure in who you are and about yourself and not be threatened by fictious women on a screen. That is just ridiculous and you could use your time on other things, like a hobby.