Too busy to date but says she is interested

[SoGoodImWorried]

I just met this woman 2 months ago through an internet dating service. The 'system' matched us and after a few exchanges about our likes and dislikes, I asked her e-mail address so we could communicate more easily using our personal e-mail addresses. I had my picture posted and asked her to send me hers. That took a while but she eventually sent me one. After a few more exchanges, I asked her if we could meet. She agreed and we met.

 

This was nice, I liked her, I liked her stories (she talks a lot, that's OK too), I liked her voice, her personality, etc.... I e-mailed her the next day saying how I had enjoyed meeting her and I asked her out for the weekend. She said she would like to, but a friend was visiting from out of town that weekend. Then she wrote that the next 5 weekends would not be good: she had to go to another town for work (working with some client company) for the next 2 weekends, then a visit to a cottage, then a camping trip with the family, then another weekend spent for work in another town...

 

That was quite a shock for me! I wanted to date her, not a pen pal! Was she telling me she is not interested? But I though: if I knew her better, I could at least spend three of those weekends with her (and her friends or family). So maybe it is just bad timing (actually, I had to go to a meeting away from town myself for 5 days...) So I finally commented that I thought she was really busy! I gave her my phone number so she could call me anytime she wanted... Her reply was "We could meet after you come back from your meeting, sometime during the week".

 

Well I'm back from my meeting, and she hasn't called me. We have exchanged e-mails during all that time (every three days on average). So yesterday I asked her out and her reply was "I am actually leaving tomorrow for the camping trip, then I leave town for work. I will be back the week of the 19th, maybe we could take in a movie or something that week?"

 

What is happening? We had the chance to see each other again and she forgot to write/call me! Am I wasting my time here? Maybe she doesn't want a second date. Am I naive in assuming that she is honest and really that busy? She says she is interested but doesn't act that way. Why would someone do that? I have seen her only once in the last two months and I feel that I am the only one who is trying to get this relationship started!

 

Some of you are going to say "ask her!". This is what I plan to do. I just want some advice on how I should phrase my concern in a way that won't scare her away? If anyone understands what's going on, please share your thoughts.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

L

[nikkers04]

She sounds like a busy girl...>And like most girls if she isn't interested and you just met her she would tell you. Just be patient I know you want to spend time with her but meeting the friends and family is a big step don't jump the gun before you guys get to know each other more. Just be Patient with her and everything will be just fine.....she still wants to hang out so don't worry.

[Ceema-k]

SoGood, your subject line said it all.

 

I have run into this kind of situation maybe twice before. The second time is actually happening right now and I am very close to putting the kibosh on that courtship.

 

No matter how busy someone is, if a woman is truly interested in you, she WILL make the time. It's really that simple. I remember reading a poster here say something very wise, to the effect of: If a girl likes you, she'll help you. I repeat, she'll HELP you.

 

With my current situation, I had been prepared to be patient, but it has even exceeded my lowest expectations. It's been 6 weeks since we last went out. As if trying to accommodate her impossibly 'busy' schedule wasn't enough, I have also had to deal with a couple of her romantically-confused male friends who've taken it upon themselves to run interference behind her back.

 

The bottom line: too much work, too little reward.

Give her one more shot, SoGood. If she gives you the same-old, same-old, then I'd advise you to cut your losses.

[lifeiscash]

No matter how busy someone is, if a woman is truly interested in you, she WILL make the time. It's really that simple. I remember reading a poster here say something very wise, to the effect of: If a girl likes you, she'll help you. I repeat, she'll HELP you.

 

Great post, exactly right.. take this advice.

[Ms Omaniac]

if im interested in a guy...not only do my words show it but my actions. i dont know why she's dragging her feet...maybe there are other reasons. but the fact you keep in constant email contact and she missed an opportunity to meet you makes me wonder what's wrong with her. maybe she is the type of girl who believes the guy has to make ALL the moves. i would definitely talk to her about this but i dont have the highest of expectations from her either.

 

- ivy

[heloladies21]

She's not interested. She would make time for you if she was. Cut her off. Talk to lots of other girls, plenty out there to occupy your time.

[SkyFire]

Sounds like horse dung to me. Actions speak louder than words, she would find time to see you if she was interested.

 

No more emails, phone calls on your part, unless she calls you too.

 

Then again, she might be really busy. Give it another shot once she gets back. Any more excuses, and you know what to do.

[patience]

don't waste any more time...she sounds too busy for a relationship (with you)

[rvr350]

I had the same experience before. You know, there's no easy answer. It all depends on how mature the girl is. If she's really busy, she'll tell you the reason why she can't make it, but even the most busiest girl should be able to find an hour or two for a coffee date.

 

I'd start seeing other people, keep your life busy, and don't appear too desperate. Hope it helped.

[SoGoodImWorried]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

 

nikkers04 said:

I know you want to spend time with her but meeting the friends and family is a big step don't jump the gun before you guys get to know each other more.

I agree with you. I don't want to meet these people right now. I was just thinking that she is busy 50% with her work, 50% with these people.

 

 

Ceema-k said:

...your subject line said it all....

No matter how busy someone is, if a woman is truly interested in you, she WILL make the time.

Ceema-k, sorry to see your current situation is that complicated.

I agree with what you said. Maybe she doesn't realize what she is doing (or what she is not doing). That's why I think it is best to ask her where she stands. Maybe she doesn't need that much contact with her partner. In that case, she is just not the person for me.

 

 

Ms Omaniac said:

maybe she is the type of girl who believes the guy has to make ALL the moves...

If that's the case and she doesn't change her belief, then it's just not going to work out for us...

 

heloladies21, patience and SkyFire, you seem convinced that she is not interested. I don't want to start playing this game of not writing to her until she makes a move. She might not guess why I am doing that and never contact me again. That's not good because there is no closure.

As for stopping the phone calls... well: she has my phone number but never called me; and she never gave me hers!

 

rvr350 said:

If she's really busy, she'll tell you the reason why she can't make it, but even the most busiest girl should be able to find an hour or two for a coffee date.

Except for the first time I went to have dinner with her, she gave me reasons for every other time she couldn't meet me. I gave her my phone number and said she could call anytime. I often said, "call me and suggest a day to meet..." She hasn't done that so far.

 

Thanks also for the private message. Your story is similar to mine but in my case, she never apologized for being so busy and inaccessible.

 

So after reading your comments and suggestions, I am sending her a message saying that I find it too long between the times we meet, and asking her if she is still interested. If I get a "NO", then it clears up things and the story is over.

 

I'll keep you posted.

 

L

 

 

P.S. Don't be mislead by my name 'SoGoodImWorried'. It doesn't apply to my current situation. That name was chosen a year ago as I was escaping from an abusive relationship. Things are better now, actually so much better you wouldn't believe it.

[Shidoshi]

SoGoodImWorried, like some of the other posters, I agree that she isn't interested (enough). Think about it logically. You like her, and it's obvious as you've been steadily trying to make things work. That IS what "interested" people do. When a woman is busy, but she doesn't want to lose a guy she likes, she will make sure he understands "clearly" that she will be seeing him again, and she'd stay in regular contact with the guy. You also met her online so you can imagine she has other possibilties and she hasn't made her mind up yet. Why would she be dating if she's so busy? Do you want to be the only one putting effort into this?

[SoGoodImWorried]

She didn't answer precisely to my question, but it is over! It's true Shidoshi, I liked her (even if I didn't know her very much). There was some potential, except that she was almost never available. So I am a little upset... but I expected it.

 

That's what we e-mailed to each other.

 

I asked her:

The fact of the matter is that it has been way too much time since we got together. I understand that it was impossible to meet on weekends or when either one of us was away. But[...] After all the missed opportunities, I am wondering what is happening. Are you still interested in trying to have a relationship with me?

 

To which she replied:

Sorry that you feel that way. Unfortunately this August/September has been particularly busy and I haven't been able to get to much outside work. (I would have met her for lunch or dinner near her work place, or in the park where she walks her dog, ...) And from my perspective, we were still trying to get to know each other to determine whether we wanted to have a relationship or not. (Same here, but I think we should meet in person some time...) Better luck with future matches - maybe their profession won't interfere as much. (Looks like she is saying it's over!)

 

Judging by how quickly she dismissed me, it seems she was not very interested or too busy to care. If her profession means that she can't make time for a few hours a week, then it interferes too much with what I would need in a relationship.

 

Oh well, it's her loss...

 

Thank you all for the advice. I feel better after writing this.

 

L

[Scout]

Ouch! Yeah, I'm afraid to say that is the sound of a door slamming closed. I've never understood these non-stop busy people, but it's best not to get involved with people like that unless you have a super-busy, high-energy life going yourself. It just won't work.

 

I also don't care for the way she put the whole thing on you - trying to make you feel like you were overly demanding and let me get this straight, she's saying you should pick someone from a different profession than her's?? Everyone has busy jobs no matter their profession, for the most part anyway. It's like all the other posters said, if someone is truly interested, they make time for you. Don't respond to her email, it was cold and did not acknowledge at all that she had opportunities to see you but didn't take them.

 

That being said, I felt you didn't really know her enough to ask her in your email if she was interested in a relationship with. Way too serious based on the amount of time you've spent with her, it would sufficed to just ask her if there was an interest in seeing you again, and if so, when.

[SoGoodImWorried]

Ouch! Yeah, I'm afraid to say that is the sound of a door slamming closed.

Thanks Scout, I was already standing 1 inch back when she slammed the door shut; so I didn't get hurt, just startled!

I have already replied to her cold answer, saying that if her professional duties mean that she can't find a few hours a week, then it interferes too much with getting to know each other.

 

You are right, my question came out too serious for her. But I didn't think it was: we met on a web site clearly for people who want to start a long-term relationship, there was a quite thorough description of our personalities, we corresponded for eleven weeks, exchanged 40 e-mails between the two of us, and I considered our first (and only) meeting a date (dinner, then we talked for more than an hour afterwards). It looked to me that the next meeting would be a 2nd date. I knew relatively many things about her as we have exchanged many informative e-mails. Yet I toned it down a little by saying " trying to have a relationship with me".

it would sufficed to just ask her if there was an interest in seeing you again, and if so, when

I have asked her a few times. Each time, she's replied something like "I'll be back in a week, maybe we can do something then..." (see my first post) but we never met again. After a few let downs like that, I started wondering if I was wasting my time...

 

My life is also 100% filled with the job, activities, etc... I am never bored! But if someone special shows up, then I make some time for her! Otherwise, what's the point of a partner if you have no time for her in your life? (That's really what I would like to ask her if we were still talking !)