Trying to start over isn't so easy

[neya]

Last semester ended on a very bad note. I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me, at the same exact time the two girls i thought my best friends stabbed me quite nastily in the back. All of the sudden i felt toally alone. Those three people had been my main focus and while I knew and was well aquainted with others, I had no close relationships. The one girl was my roomate. The situation was so bad I ended up going back home and commuting as i live about 20 minutes away from my school. Being with family helped, unfortunately, I didn't get to meet many people that way.

 

I was crazy enough to give the boyfriend another chance. He had cheated on me with his gf of two years who was at school in NYC. He then decided i was the one and it was a huge mistake and he'd do whatever it took. So i believed him. Over the summer i worked very hard at the relationship. He didn't. He wanted me but he didn't change. He asked me to marry him, luckily i was at least smart enough to say that was completely crazy and i was not getting married at 19. I then found out they still talked. I don't know what else. Maybe he only just talked to her, but the lies are too many and i couldn't stand to live with anohter.

 

We broke up a month ago. He left for grad school, so he's far away. I started back at college. It was surprisingly hard. I was looking forward to being back, but then i was flooded with memories. I don't have a single person i'm close with due the poor end of the previous year. I have lots of people i may say hello, how are you? to, but that's it. I'm trying really hard to cultivate friendships, and at least a appear like a happy confident person so i'm no lying my baggage on everyone, but i don't have a real friend, so it's been hard.

 

I ended up talking to him again. Not on the phone, i refust to let contact get that close, but online. It's strange, because i just tell him everything about how i'm feeling. Normally, it's nothing to do with our relationship, just how alone i feel. He's about the only one i can lay that type of stuff on. He tries to be supportive and say i'll be ok. I'm wonderful, I'll meet someone. But then ther'e sthe time he begs for another chance. I know this is not right. When he just listens it's ok and makes me feel better. but when he starts to beg and plead it all comes back again and that's just a setback. I guess i also talk to him to get answers. How he could have a heart and do the things he did, that drives me crazy.

 

I'm really struggling with how to deal with this. I know logically i'll find someone new, and better, but i was madly in love with him. I don't see me feeling quite like that ever again. Also, i still want answers. What does one do? does it just not matter one day? or is there some way to know. He says now he's sorry, i'm still the one, he'd give up grad school and come back and go to counseling with me, says he's in counseling at school now ect, but i refusue to fall for that. He had his chance, i couldn't live with myself if i let him hurt me again. But i guess a part of me wants to believe he'll learn and be a better person one day. Anyway, how do i cope with this need for answers and turning to him to talk to about school and the issues im having there. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreicates.

[goddess23]

hey. i dont know about words of wisdom but ill tell you whatever i do know about life so far lol. look this is obviously a very stressful time. and OMGG i think there are TOO MANY OF US who can relate to the idea of not too many close friends but many aquaintences. i mean its hard to force those type of close knit relationship, they just seem to happen. and this is very unfortunate that these "friends" stabbed you in the back. as far as friends, right now im sure there is ALOT more you can focus on, and you really have to stop concentrating on your lack of real relationship because when you think about it it just never happens. the more you stay busy with shcool and extra curriculars you wont feel so sorry for yourself or depressed and at the same time this inner confidence will shine and you will attract people to you. and again by joining clubs or what not at school this will open you up to many relationsihp oppertunities. its clear you have a logical head on your shoulders but its just a tough time right now maybe at the moment you posted. stay strong, and followt he above. it can be a downer but stay positive. you know if you just stop worrying things will happen naturally.

 

as for your bf this seems like a very difficult decision. i commend you on being so strong and telling youreslf that you REFUSE to be hurt agian. frankly if a guy said those things to me it would very tough not to crack, and im sure you were madly in love iwth him. because praticality and sometimes even they way your treated doesnt change how ou feel about that person. i mean really its not impossbile that he DID change and that it COULD work, however i would advise to try and stay clear it does seem like hes ran out of chances. now you seem to know something: you want to move on. thats the first step. and to truly move on you have to go through nc. later you can still talk to him be his friend who knows maybe even get involved again but right now you need to do nc until you're sure you can talk to him and what not without getting all worked up. but yes you're right you will find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and again the less you stress about it the more ppl will be drwan to you. you have to love who you are and youreslf first though, and AT THIS MOMENT you probably arent feeling that great. try calling up and aquintence and asking about a class or soemthing....ask to study together and then say lets go out clubbing or something....these are ways you can just make the friendship more of an ACTUAL friendship. so dont get too down its just a faze, really, i think we've aLLL gone through it at one point or another. good luck

[Mr. Cactus]

It's incredibly hard to see something completely objectively when the emotion of it all runs so deep and close to home as it does in your case. Most of us have been through things like this - and as unhelpful as it seems right now, you absolutely have to know that things do get better. It might not happen quickly, it could take many months or even years - but in the end an emotionally healthy person - as you appear to be - will ultimately heal from this.

 

Hypothetically, if you were reading your own post without the hurt, feelings and lack of closure you are experiencing, you would immediately make the decision to look after yourself by pulling up stumps, eliminating this person from your life and trying to fully integrate back into society without this person.

 

I honestly cannot glean anything at all from your post that makes me think that somehow this relationship can be ressurected or that this person can somehow improve in the quantum leaps and bounds that would be needed to become someone that would satisfy you emotionally. You've given us a whole shopping list of showstoppers there. I think you deserve much better. Everyone deserves much better. I get the feeling this isn't just about how this relationship has effected you though - I truly think you are actually more fearful of your future and your ability to forge new connections with new people. I think that fear is at least part of the reason for you wanting to keep this person close to you in your life - in other words as unhappy as you are, you are more even more fearful of the consequences of moving on.

 

I recently ended my only true friendship (or what I thought was a friendship), so I can empathise with what you are going through. I don't have any real friends either and I am not in a relationship, so I know how incredibly tough it is when being essentially friendless is piled up on top of a personal relationship that appears to have fallen apart at the seams and is now unhealthy for you.

 

I'm not going to beat around the bush though. I do admit to finding things incredibly hard at the moment, but I left behind an unhealthy friendship and deep down I am glad I did. It was torturing me in the same way your relationship is torturing you. It was stunting my emotional growth and my potential to meet new people. I was no longer willing to keep sustaining and feeding such a huge emotional investment. You shouldn't be either. You need to keep thinking of the logical reasons why you should move on (and they are littered throughout your post), even though it is going to be incredibly hard for you. If that means writing down all the negative points about this relationship on a piece of paper that you keep by your bedside, then do it!

 

I think as regards making new friends, you might find this easier a little bit further down the track once you have made the conscious effort to move on and you start to heal. I am a great believer that we give out subconscious signals regarding our friendship "potential" and perhaps those signals are a little weak and unconvincing in your particular case at the moment (I know they are in my case). For me it's because I still need to give myself more time to let my old friendship completely go, because I am still hurting an awful lot from it. I remember for the first couple of months after my old friendship ended, I was desperate to befriend anyone with a pair of ears, but of course I did not succeed in befriending anyone. To be perfectly honest I was not in an emotional state to do so anyway. So I think in your case friendships won't initially come easily - you still have an unhealthly relationship to extracate yourself from first.

 

Please never think that ending any sort of relationship implies some sort of finality in terms of forging new ones or even friendships. I am sure most people going through breakups tend to view things that way, but look through the archives here - so many people have not only found even better relationships down the track, but they use the experiences of their old ones to improve the solidarity of their newest relationship.