Problem With a Girl

[0cyrus]

Okay I've never used anything like this before.. just stumbled upon this forum.. anyway here is my problem:

 

I've been seeing a girl for almost 3 and a half years... things are okay... and just 'okay'....Here's the deal- when I want to do something (with or without her) I ask what she thinks of it- and I seriously take into consideration what she has to say. If it is something that will really bother her, I won't do it (even if I really want to) etc etc... but her opinion and thoughts and feelings really mean a lot to me. When it comes to her, however... she doesn't even ask for my opinion or thoughts... she does whatever she feels like (she says that it is because she is 'independent')

After I snapped once, she began to ask for my opinion, and I thought the problem was solved.... but now it's worse!! Now when I tell her what I think or feel about it, she ignores it and does whatever she wants again. When I get upset she tells me that she doesn't think it's that big of a deal. I tried explaining that we are different people, and what may seem trivial to her is actually important to me and vice versa. Still no luck... I want to marry this girl because I cannot see myself with anyone else but her.... I have actually got an engagement ring for her (I bought it almost a year and a half ago) but I have been waiting until I feel 'semi-important' to ask her. Marriage is forever and I want this problem solved before I move forward to that point. Any ideas?

[AN]

Like you said, you two are different people. Why are you trying to change her and make her do things your way? She's already compromise by asking for your opinion. Give her a break. If it's such a big deal then let her know you don't feel important in her life.

[SwingFox]

Hello Cyrus,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I am sorry to read that things don't go the way you had them planned. I understand that she just goes her way and that this doesn't make you real happy.

 

The truth is that it is very hard to change someone. You could influence someone a little bit, but not change someone completely. I believe that you also have to accept someone as they are, with the 'flukes' they might have in your eyes. Everyone is different.

 

thereforeeeeee my advice is that you start to think if this girl is REALLY the right girl for you. You might want to talk to her again and try to explain to her that this whole thing is very important to you. She might or might not listen to you. Then it is up to you what you are going to do about it. Are you going to accept her the way she is, or are you going to walk away.

 

I hope that this helped you along the way and I wish you good luck in the decisions you will make.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[cfh89]

I'm in the same boat .I tell her my thoughts but she does as she pleases.I think my situation is a little more complex.Because thier are kids involved.But I have decided that I need someone who respects me like I respect them.As you said you respect her opinions and make sacrifices for her but she's not willing to do the same.I think you should look deep within your self and ask yourself if it's all worth it.I chose to walk away.It makes me too depressed to sacrifice and see that see could care less.I gave her another chance and told her how it makes me feel .But she chose not to heed the warning.I do love her but love myself more than that.I'm not going to be her door mat and not playing second string for anyone.Think about your self and what you really want.

[Jason2201]

I think it is possible for someone to change completely. You've been with this girl for three years and the fact that your still together tells me you love each other. Sounds to me like she doesn't realize how much you really mean to her or (hopefully not) you mean less than you thought. My girlfriend felt the same way about me as you do about her. She was so miserable because I wasn't ready to change, or at least I didn't think so. So she couldn't take it anymore and we broke up. About a week later I realized what I had lost and that nothing, not my friends, not my family, nothing could help my thoughts go away. I realized that I lost the most important thing in my life, I lost my future. Well, sadly Its been 3 weeks and I haven't got her back quite yet. We are however closer than we've ever been and things are looking very good. I'm now thinking about getting her a ring. Its hard but its true: If you love something set it free, if it comes back its meant to be. Just think about this maybe as a last resort, I honestly don't know if I could have done this to her. I hope things work out for you. Only time will tell.

 

Good Luck, Take Care

[0cyrus]

Okay okay I think there was a little misinterpretation from my last post... but thanks to everyone who replied. I am *not* trying to change her to do things my way.... it's not difficult to change someone, it is impossible.

 

Anyway-I don't think of it as my way, and she has agreed that it is simply a respectful and decent way to treat another human being that you care about. I guess the problem really lies within me, because I am the one that is getting hurt by it (then why would I stay when I keep getting hurt may be the next thread on this topic) and maybe I am wrong to do so... I just want so much for this to be it because I really want this to be it (I'm done partying and I don't want to look for a partner anymore)

 

Perhaps therin lies another problem... I guess I have a lot of thinking and questions and if I go into every single one here, no one would finish reading this long post. Again thanks to all who replied, and if anyone else has advice, I am more than willing to lend an ear.

 

Thanks