this is long...i need advice

[lara78]

Ok this will be long, but I'll try to keep it as short as i can. Kelly and Liz are my cousins, they're 25 and 29 (i'm 27). We've pretty much been friends for life, have always been close. When i was 23 i got engaged and moved out to CA, we're from MA. I lived there for a year with my finance, then he decided he didnt want to be with me. It was very hard, i moved home, back in with my parents. After about 6 months i moved in with my best friend. Kelly and Liz and i are still close and go out. I"m more close with Kelly, her and talk on the phone daily for the most part. So after about a year after my broken enagement i guess i started acting out a bit. I was going out, getting drunk, and a couple of times i went home with guys after a night out (i will say that i knew these guys, they werent strangers) It happened 3 times. On one occasion i did end up having sex with i was not happy about. I guess one of the worst nights i had i can barely remember, i ended up throwing up on the floor of the bar but got home safely. I still dont remember getting sick on the bar...but this is what i'm told.

 

So this happened in Feb. Noone said anything to me about it. I notice that kelly and liz arent talking to me so much. I had noticed even before this incident that i wasnt hearing from them as much, and it hurt me a bit. I kind of figured they were annoyed at me for me getting drunk that time in feb but no one was saying anything. On 2 occasions there were family functions and they gave me the cold shoulder-they were polite, but cold. Again i felt hurt, even my mom was feeling hurt by them. Finally in april i e-mail kelly. She wrote back a fake e-mail of, oh i know i'm sorry i havent talked to you in so long, i've been busy, etc. I was like, please...so i write back, well it seems like you're annoyed with me. So she writes back adn goes off on me. She said how i turn into a completely different person when i'm drunk, it went on and on. She said that night in feb i was being very flirtatious with a guy she had slept with last summer-he had been rude to her or something, yet he is still friends with her sister liz. I apologized and said i felt bad, there were a few times i'd been quite drunk, but i just wished she had said something about it rather than ignore me.

 

So we ended up talking on the phone and she brought up a few other incidents where i'd been drunk-one was when my brother got his head hit with a bottle. she said that was my fault because i'd been dancing with someoen, my brother in a drunken stupor said to stop then the guy i was dancing with got mad and hit him over the head. That was apparently all my fault. My brother is fine and he even says that it wasnt all my fault. The thing that upsets me too is that I have seen kelly very drunk on many occasions even at family wedding where she threw up in her parents car and all over the house and i have seen her go home with guys too. SO for her to be preaching the choir to me and judging me really hit a chord with me. I listened to what she said and i did get defensive. I said, yes i know i've been drunk on a couple of occasions, but i know i havent been the only one. SHe seemed to think my behavior was worse than anyone else's. I told her that i thought her and liz have been very rude to me the past few months. This was on sat. on monday i get into work and liz had sent me nasty e-mails about my drunk behavior, telling me what i did and that i wasnt acting normal by being so drunk and that she has ended friendships with peopel for far less than what i've done (she ends friendships like it's going out of style) i really didnt have a lot to say back to her other than i was sorry for my terrible behavior, but i did feel like she was overreacting. This was in april.

 

since then i've seen liz twice, she acted fake, i basically didnt speak to her. I ended up telling my mom about my drunk behvior, she was furious, but still couldnt understand why my family would be treating me this way, esp because they are no angels. Kelly had/has an eating disorder and had to go to a mental hospital at one point. We were all there for her and couldnt have been a better support system. she was embarressed about the drunkeness at the wedding, again we were there for her tellig her it was ok. I just couldnt believe they would be so cruel to me esp after what i'd gone thru with my ex. I'm not saying drinking is an excuse, but i think it could have been easy to understand. I am just SO ANGRY about this. I want to say, um did you forget about all the times you got drunk and hooked up with guys??? part of me feels like she was really upset about me flirting with that guy she slept with. That's what seemed to set her off. One night her mom wanted to try to patch things up with us so we all went to eat. It went badly. Kelly ended up telling me i had acted like i had no self respect (after she's the one in the mental hospital) and that she was better behaved when she was drunk. I ended up just jumping up from the table and leaving (this was in june)

 

I just have no desire to be friends with them. I have changed my behavior, i still have gotten drunk since then, but not to the extent that i had been. I was talking zoloft this past winter so when i drank it made it much worse. Liz apologized, but after those e-mails she sent and the way she treated me i could never be friends with her again. My feelings for them have completely changed, i feel hate towards them for being so judgmental and unforgiving towards esp when kelly was doing the same thing!

 

Our mothers are very upset about this, so last night kelly and i went out to dinner. We didnt mention anything about these incidents, we just talked about what is going on in our lives. Kelly mentioned she has been dating someone who is still married...he's been separated for 2 years. I didnt say anything, but um this is coming from the person who told me i have no self respect for how i acted when drunk. Who does have self respect when they're freaking drunk? Urgh. I just want nothing to do with them, but unfortunately they are my family and i am constantly thinking about this. we have tried to talk about it, but we dont agree. Kelly seems to delusion and thinks she never did anything to the extent that i did when she was drunk. Even another cousin of ours said kelly has no room to say anything because every time he sees her she's drunk. My parents agreed that they think she's nuts for acting like this, but that i just need to fix this because its' upsetting everyone. But i'm so angry about it.. comments? SOrry i know it's long but i had to tell the whole thing.

 

I'm basically expected to go to dinner with kelly tomorrow night and I DONT WANT TO!

[Nemo23]

Hi Lara, I know how drinking can seem like support after a break up like that. I did the same thing after a past boyfriend broke up with me... I thought it was a display of independence...now I'm like, woops... oh well thats over... But that is no reason for friends and family to leave you in the dust... friends and ESPECIALLY family are supposto be there for you and tell you NOT to drink too much. They are supposted to love you so much that you don't need to tell your problems to the bottle. I think your cousins need a swift kick in the butt.... I'm not sure how I would go about it but I would definitely try to be the bigger person and just accept that you've matured and have forgiven yourself for your drunken mishaps (everyone makes mistakes! GEEZ family is there to forgive you!) If they won't forgive you they have a serious problem (especially if they've made these mistakes themselves... they should be more understanding) I would just buck up, put on your mature, elegant, game face and show them that you've been strong enough to overcome the obstacles you've had to get through. The only thing you can do is be yourself and have a positive outlook no matter what others think. You are in control and it's up to you to make life the best. So if they won't forgive you.... then I'd just let them simmer and let time heal it. Good luck girl