love hurts

[Sally7829]

i think i am an obsessive ex-girlfriend. can't stop calling. can't stop fixating on what could have been. torment myself with feelings of i'll never meet someone like him again. feel like i have no idea where to meet people. what to do. feel so dang lonely. does anyone have any suggestions at all as to how to get out of this vicious cycle and on with my life? and how to do something else everytime i want to pick up the phone and call him or get in my car and drive over there? it's absolutely destroying me. thanks for any thoughts.

[gstylez07]

I dont have much for advise.....but I can tell you right now, I know how you feel....I cant let go of my ex...even after all the things she has done....I hate this, if it persist for too much longer...I dont think I'll make it. Just stay strong.

[Mun]

Everytime you want to pick up the phone or drive by his house tell yourself this " I look like a psycho ex gf " and hopefully you will stop yourself from doing it. I should know... I stalked my ex too. It's really sad, but it's so hard to let go sometimes.

 

Funny thing about it is that the more you push like this the more they pull away. Whatever the reasons for the break up you are justifying him by behaving this way. You are better than this and you know it. ( he once told me " you do this and it's like you have no self-control. Ouch! )

 

Next time you want to call... call a friend instead, take a long bath, shave your legs, do your nails....anything that isn't picking up the phone. It takes baby steps but you have to force yourself to change your ways.

[dstanzler]

Hey BIG HUGS!

 

That kind of thinking will drive you mad. But I did it. Oh yeah. The psycho ex-boyfriend who was never told what was going on! I had to hear it from her roomate and my various shrinks. Bleh. It's rough. Hang in there.

 

Love,

Dave

[regret1]

We all have been there done that...just try to keep cool. When you see him be nice and smile. Do not talk about relationship, keep your distant. Love hurts.

[funnyCAgirl]

hang in there. I know you have heard it before but time should help. It is so hard to find love and when we get it it can be hard to let go. It will happen again.

[serenity25]

Right away find this book at a local bookstore. "He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the fears that sabotage your relationships" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. I just found it and started reading it myself and couldn't put it down. It perfectly describes my own actions after the breakup, feeling obsessive like I needed to call him and how that just pushes them more away. It also describes the fear of commitment that goes into breakups many times and it perfectly describes what happened with my ex- how he left, how sudden it was, how he has acted since the breakup. Contacting ex's who are looking for space will only push them away more. Many times they are running because they feel suffocated. It isn't anything you did. It is their own fears coming into play. However even if you contact them lovingly thinking if you just offer enough love, understanding and support, they will come around- you are wrong unfortunately. In their mind, nothing you say or do right now will change their mind. You need to let go and work on yourself even if you have hopes of ever getting back together.

 

This is an excerpt from the book, "Frequently when someone with an active commitment conflict is running away from a relationship, his or her behavior seems so odd and out of control that the passive partner feels that something can be done or said to change the course of events. This is not the case. Anything you might do to try to stop it, no matter how loving, will be interpreted as a kind of entrapment. It does not make things better."

 

It can become a vicious cycle because many times when they feel you are moving on, they come back for another round. That is why this book is so helpful. You can skip around to parts that apply to you but it is just really helpful and I feel it could answer questions to most posts I see on the board. Good luck and post here when you feel like calling your ex- just don't call!

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

Life will go on and so will you. The key here is that you have learned a lesson in love. We all have them and we all have had major heartbreak in all of our lives. Time heals all and it will heal you too.

 

Stay Busy, and make some new friends. Fill that void you used to spend with him. Do "SOMETHING" anything.....but think of him.

 

May you find some peace of mind real soon.

 

Be Strong, you can and will get through this.

 

Kuhl

 

 

[skyjuice]

Hi angelbaby

 

Thanks for the tip.

[Sally7829]

entering day 3 of NC... so hard. so hard.

 

i wish there was a button to push for "turn love off." or "rose-tinted glasses disabled". all i think of us the good stuff i miss. that's easy. it's too much effort to really digest the bad stuff.

[skyjuice]

Hi Sally7829,

 

This is some link would do you great help. I copied it from the previous poster, Dave.

 

Click on this link, it would describe what you will go through in the healing process.

 

link removed

[Sally7829]

well, i lasted 1 week of nc, then called and left a message... then another one... then a text. i SUCK! he called me mid-week, i managed to not return the call, was doing so good, then just lost all willpower this weekend. feel like this will never get better.

[Mun]

Why didn't you call him back after all that? I think he might think this is some kind of game-playing. Better to call him back after all the trouble you went through...he might think you're flaky