For those who want to judge me from Cpxsim thread

[eva1218]

So, is that I don't deserve to try to work on my new relationship with the current bf(2.5months) who I have feelings for(the first one I have feelings for in these 6years, not included my ex of 5years relationship, and broke up a year ago)?

 

I am not a player, and I am not looking for a rebound relationship.

Otherwise, I would have done that long time ago, not a year after my ex broke up with me.

 

I told my bf everything about me & my ex before we started. I played my cards on the table.

 

I'm not contacting with the ex, and I have no intention to wait for him anymore. But I know he will always take space in my heart, I will always love him in my own way.

But is that mean I can't love someone else? What if I do love my current bf?

I can't forget the ex coz we had so much....and I'm not totally over him, but I would only hide it in my heart, and watch it slowly fade out in my life one day.

 

I know I'm not completely healed from the previous relationship, eventhough its been a year, but many things happened in this year...and my ex was still saying he loves me indeed couple weeks ago(FYI, we haven't seen each other for a year). Such a long story...but I'm not interested to bring it up here. It is finished.

 

"It is finished" is something that told by the brain. And the brain stopped to follow the heart inorder to avoid other mistakes.

Meanwhile, the heart does still have feelings, but it won't be working with the brain anymore.

 

With the new relationship, my heart and my brain got along together.

 

Ok, guys, feel free to judge me.

 

Eva

[DN]

It doesn't matter if people on here 'judge' you. That is not the purpose of the forum. It is here so you can get advice - different perspectives on your problem. You can take it or leave it - in the end it is your decision what you do. Often advice comes in the form of judgment, or even fairly harsh criticism of the poster's actions. But it is still advice and should be treated as such.

 

As to your specific situation - if you are honest and open with your boyfriend, both about your feelings for him and for your ex, and he gets to choose based on honest information whether he wants to proceed with the relationship then you have done nothing wrong.

 

But it is important that you are not deceiving yourself about your feelings - otherwise you are also deceiving him.

[eva1218]

I don't mind to be judged by ppl here. I know they are all giving their advice.

 

I just didn't want to take place at Cpxsim thread.

(If they have something to say about me)

 

The way my bf approached to me was a very friendly way at first, and asking why I looked so sad all the time? Then I told him everything..and so on.

He brought me out from the darkest day in my life(from those 10months in hell). At the beginning, I never tried to avoid talking about the ex, then one day, he told me he never want to hear him again, anything about him, not even his name....coz that made him sad. thereforeeee I never mentioned my ex in front of him again.

 

If I am deceiving my feelings?I think....iIf I am, I would have said I no longer love my ex, and had no feelings for him.

 

Eva

[darkblue]

Why do you think your current boyfriend doesn't want to hear about your ex?

 

Why do you think it makes him sad?

[eva1218]

Darkblue,

 

I'm not stupid, and I am not saying that I'm doing the most correct thing for myself. Starting this new relationship, I was following my heart, coz my heart told me to do so.

 

He loves me, that's why he doesn't want to hear my ex. But I never lied to him about that, he knew everything clearly, and that was his choice.

Once, he said "I'm not going to win him, coz I can't. You guys had so much and 5years relationship, what do we have? 2months? Just don't mention him again, it made me feel so sad."

 

If it is fair to him? I don't know....

I just tried to be honest.

I do want to make efforts on this new relationship, he treats me like a princess, makes me happy all the time.

Sometimes, I really wish I can forget about my ex completely...and just concertrate on him. I do care about him a lot. I believe in time, my bf will take over all of my heart, just take time.....

 

On the other hand, I still think about the ex....well, I already tried my axx off to cut him out from my life....but I really don't know what to do except dealing with the feelings I still have for the ex. If on action, I can control, but the heart, just doesn't listen to me....I'm not even sure if it is still my heart....it doesn't work the way I want.

If it does, guess I wouldn't be here....

 

But trust me, it is not easy........

[darkblue]

I didn't say it was easy. It's not.

 

But you should always allow yourself to get over your ex before moving on and starting a relationship - otherwise, I believe - it's not fair on your current partner.

 

How long has it been since you've broken up with your ex?

[innbranna]

If somebody once meant the world to you, I don't think you can expect your feelings for that person to ever completely disappear. And if they do, I'm not at all sure it's necessarily a good thing. I'm not talking about abusive relationships or anything here, of course.

 

I think "getting over" them means dealing with your life independently. Accept that it's finished, find your own direction and try to be honest and decent with people along the way. Seems to me like that's what Eva is doing, no?

[t-rav]

dont start up a relationship just to make yourself feel wanted. always consider how it affects both parties as they work together. i think starting a dead end relationship is dangerous, and thats how ppl end up with stalkers. (im not judging you, i merely desire to impart advice to you).

 

-travis

[eva1218]

Inbranna,

 

You are so at the point, I'm not even looking forward to be completely over my ex. Cause I think.......that nearly sounds impossible to me.

I know how much he and our relationship meant to me.

 

But the thing is, it is finished. And my life needs to be go on...as a normal person. I need to love, and to be loved.

 

I turned down few ppl in the past year. I didn't even go on a single date.

Not even a causal dinner.

Coz I was totally not interested in it.

Until I met my bf, I felt something.....and then he just slowly opened my heart.

 

well....

[eva1218]

Darkblue,

 

My ex and I broke up a year ago.

 

Eva

[DN]

If as the days and weeks go by you feel your ex leaving your heart and mind and being replaced gradually by your b/f - you will probably be ok.

Remembering an ex with kindness and a certain sentimentality is ok - but your current love should always be number one in your thoughts.

 

If that does not happen then you should re-examine what you are doing.