Need helping dealing with seeing my exbf with his ex-wife

[lucybird]

I have recently learned that my exbf has reunited with his ex-wife. The whole time we were together I suspected that he still had feelings for her even though he constantly denied it. Since they had been broken up for ten years when we first started dating, I wanted to believe him, but my instincts repeatedly told me that he was still not over her. He always used to say to me, "I want nothing to do with that woman. Even if you and I break up I will never go back to her." So learning about their newfound relationship has made me feel very betrayed, like he was lying all along.

 

During our relationship, he made it clear to me that he wanted to have a civil relationship with his ex-wife and treat her with respect. In some ways he seemed to honor her more than he did me, which really hurt. Also, since she cheated on him and then got pregnant by the guy she cheated with, stole money from him, humiliated him in front of his friends and family, used him, etc., I often had trouble understanding why he would want to respect and be civil with someone who treated him that way. His only explanation was, "Well, I don't hate her and I wasn't a good husband to her." Yet he would call her shallow, superficial, a piece of [censored] for a human being, a manipulator, crazy, etc.

 

He wasn't very nice to me during our two-and-a-half year relationship. In fact, I felt like I was constantly paying for how much his ex-wife hurt him and for all the nasty things she did to him. I am the one who ended it because I felt so abused by him. Our breakup was a good thing, but somehow I feel very stuck and am in deep pain over learning that he is back with his ex-wife.

 

At present, the three of us work at the same place. After our break up, which was eight months ago, he would at least acknowledge me with a wave when we would cross paths, but now that he is back with her, he won't wave to me anymore. This has become a regular pattern. I feel like it is unimportant for him to be respectful to me and what we had, and that what he has with ex-wife now is more important.

 

I have not communicated with my exbf since we broke up other than a few waves to him in passing. In fact, I try to avoid seeing him at all costs. As far as I know he has no idea that I am still grieving our relationship, in spite of how awful it was. I have been unable to move on and have not been in a relationship with anyone since him. I just feel so twisted up and angry at myself for even caring that he is back with his ex-wife and for being impacted by it. My friends think I am needlessly tormenting myself. Having to see him at my work place continually makes it more difficult for me to move on. I think I would have been healed by now if I didn't have him and her thrown in my face on a consistent basis.

 

In any case, I have it on good authority that my exbf and his ex-wife are going to a concert that I will be attending. There is a huge chance we will see each other. This will be the first time I have actually seen the two of them together and I am dreading it. It will probably hurt pretty badly. I am looking for some advice on how to handle myself. I feel so confused. I want to be dignified and would rather not acknowledge them. Should I just pretend to be wildly happy and act like their togetherness means nothing to me? Kind of like living well is the best revenge?

 

 

How I can prepare myself for and have a way to cope with seeing them at the concert? My instincts, which are usually right, tell me I am definitely going to see them.

 

Thanks for bearing with me.

I'm really hurting right now...

[lookingforclosure5]

Lucy, I know it will hurt. But the best thing you can do is be the bigger person. Be happy for him if he is truly happy now. And be happy for yourself that you are no longer with a man that is hung up on another woman. I have been in your exact situation before. There are a thousand things you probably want to do right now, but none of them will get you anywhere. Be the better person, treat him and her with a little respect, karma works both ways.

[Hope75]

Do you have to go to the concert?

[lucybird]

Hi Hope-

 

About having to go to the concert...I have toyed with the idea of not going but my sister is driving almost three hours to go with me to it. Also, I so often go out of my way to avoid being anywhere near him that I am starting to feel angry, like, why should I revolve my life around avoiding him? I know at some point I have to start getting out there and living my life without caring if I run in to him. Obviously I am not quite at that point...sigh.

 

Thanks for your reply, Lookingforclosure!

[Hope75]

How big is this event? Do you have assigned seats?

 

If it's fairly big and you have freedom to move around, it should be easy to avoid him-- if you happen to see him, just walk the other way.

[SexySadie7]

Hey.. been there. done that.. so i know how you feel... But geez... if he's ignoring you at your WORKPLACE which to me would dictate just common courtesy.. then why go out of your way to be pleasant and acknowledge them when you aren't at work?

I'd just ignore them... if they are so happy with each other.. then they shouldn't even notice anyone around them.....

Don't give them the upperhand and play all goody goody.. they are obviously low life people and deserve each other.....

She's a cheater.. he's a liar... i know it is hard to get over someone.. but keep your dignity and don't kiss their southends.. They don't deserve it!

[lucybird]

Ha ha ha, Sexy Sadie, your response appeals to the side of me that is completely disgusted by the whole thing.

 

My emotions about this situation have run the gamut--everything from feeling sorry for them, feeling happy for them, feeling awe that their connection still endures after all that happened between them, feeling compassion for them, feeling total despair, rejection, betrayal and complete outrage, feeling sorry for myself, feeling ecstatic that I don't have to deal with his warped perspective on women any more, anger at myself for ever getting involved with him in the first place and for the fact that I am stuck and still grieving, concerned and anxious about being unable to let go and move on, confused...ugh, you name it, I have been feeling it.

 

There are no assigned seats at the concert, so I will be able to walk around or away. Not only am I worried about how I am going to behave when I actually lay eyes on them, and how I will be able to walk with any sense of normalcy when my body will be having the total "flight or fight" response from the adrenaline, but also the emotional fall out afterwards. While I might be surprised at how I actually end up feeling, I think it has all the makings of a train wreck.

 

I am trying to figure out whether I should bring a wad of tissues and be prepared to run to the bathroom and cry, should I have alcohol on hand to numb the pain (not the greatest idea, I know, but still an option), essentially, I am trying to prepare for what I know will be an anxiety-provoking situation for me. I am fortunate enough to have been forewarned--you know the old saying, forewarned is forearmed--so I won't be caught off guard. I don't want them or anyone else to see me in melt down, I want to seem calm, cool and even happy, but I know myself, I'm not a good actress, so I do have to be prepared to leave or do something to take care of myself.

 

Thanks all for your thoughts.

I know my issue seems minor compared to what others are going through, but it still hurts like crazy and is all-consuming. It feels really wretched.