my bf isn't affectionate--what to do???

[bamagrl222]

I've been dating this guy about 5 months now. We knew each other in high school and were friends, but lost touch when I went to college. We reunited about 6 months ago, and began dating. I knew when we first started dating that he was very shy--he was that way in high school. But we get along well, and things are pretty good. The thing is, he isn't affectionate. He doesn't hold my hand, doesn't hug often, and when I do make an attempt to hug or kiss him, it seems as if it's uncomfortable to him. He has told me he loves me, and I love him too. But I can't go on feeling like this. I've expressed to him that I "need" affection from him, and at times I've felt that he was "trying". But lately, it's back to the old ways and I'm getting depressed. I feel like if I mention it again, it will only upset him and push him away more. So I've tried to be patient, I've tried to be sexy, I've been the one to initiate hugs, kisses, etc. He doesn't seem to mind initiating sex, but that's the only time I really feel "connected" to him. After the sex is over, he's back to being distant. I'm not sure if this is just a learned behavior from his childhood, or if there's more to it. Am I not attractive enough? Am I missing something that maybe he needs that I'm not giving him? Oh, and I know this is horrible, but I'm only being honest.... He has a little girl (he was married for about 2 years when I was in college). His ex cheated on him, and ultimately the marriage ended in divorce. When his little girl comes to spend the night, he never hesitates to hug and kiss all over her. Why is it different and so hard for him to do the same with me? I'm trying not to be jealous, but I can't help it. Please PLEASE someone give me some hope!!!

[nosoul]

Some guys arent affectionate. Or maybe he isnt because he is afaird if he does gets close to you , you will do the same thing as his ex did to him. Did you ever ask him why he isnt affectionate towards you? It could help you if yo knew why he isn't.

[BellaDonna]

Maybe he's holding back because he was hurt by his ex and does not want to give too much too soon.

 

I'm not sure if this is just a learned behavior from his childhood, or if there's more to it. Am I not attractive enough? Am I missing something that maybe he needs that I'm not giving him?

 

I don't think this is about YOU at all.

 

When I first met my husband- he was not the "affectionate type". It took time for him to feel comfortable enough to open up and be affectionate outside of the bedroom. In the beginning I still KNEW he loved me because he would do other things to show his affection such as laugh with me, tease me in a loving way, help me out when I needed it. He would tell others how much he cared about me and it would get back to me later. He came around after we were together for about a year.

 

Is the "distance" you speak of just physical? Do the 2 of you have good conversations? He did tell you he loved you so he seems to express himself at least somewhat.

 

After the sex is over, he's back to being distant

 

Will he fall asleep afterwards, or does he just jump up get dressed and leave the room? Not all men are cuddlers....sometimes they just like to take a nap after, but if he can fall asleep next to you (without necessarily cuddeling), it's still a good sign.

 

I think that fact that your BF is very affectionate with his daughter is a another good sign- it shows he is capable of that kind of love as long as he trusts in the person. For a man to be affectionate, he takes on a certain vulnerability. Since he was hurt so badly before, he might just be playing it safe/cautious right now. 5 months is not all that long, even though you knew him before, the relationship itself is still young.

 

I would try testing different kinds of affection with him and see what happens. For instance, send him a romantic e-mail or a nice card in the mail. Some men are better with words than with cuddeling. If he does act affectionate physically- reward the behavior. If he has no problem being affectionate during sex- try to prolong the foreplay in the beginning with massage, etc.

 

I would give him a little more time and see if he comes around. If he still can't meet your emotional needs after that, then you'll need to make a tough decision.

 

BellaDonna

[bamagrl222]

He can fall asleep beside me... he's not necessarily "cold", just "distant" or "to himself" a lot. I feel like I may be asking too much, or nagging by bringing it up again, but I cannot tell you how upset and depressed I am right now. I want hope that it will get better, because if so, then I can feel better. If not, then I need to move on. I cannot continue to pretend I'm okay when I'm not.

[OceanEyes]

A close girlfriend of mine has the same issue as you do - she says that the only time her man is actually affectionate is when he's initiating sex. She hates it, and after 3 years of being with the guy is considering leaving now. Every time she tries to talk to him about it, his response is the same: "I don't see the problem".

 

Is affection really important to you? Can you see yourself being in a relationship with a guy who you have to practically convince to be affectionate with you? This is a very tough situation. It's hard to ask for something as instinctive as affection, if he's not used to giving it.

 

One thing I can assure you of, is that his lack of affection has absolutely nothing to do with how attractive you are.

[bamagrl222]

Thanks, OceanEyes. The fact that it doesn't have anything to do directly with me makes me feel much better. I know he sincerely cares about me, it would just be nice for him to show it with a hug or kiss every now and then. I do love him a great deal and feel that he has a lot to offer. He's a great dad, I like his family and he likes mine (and vice versa). I suppose I just need to keep showing him love and maybe he'll open up more eventually.

[bamagrl222]

ARE THERE ANY MEN WHO WANT TO COMMENT ON THIS TOPIC? IT WOULD REALLY HELP! Thanks!!!

[djedix]

Depeneds on the guy. I like being touchy feely (cuddling, kissing, holding hands)

 

Some guys don't like to do that.. it's the same with girls too. I've been with girls who do the same thing. It depeneds on the person.. and you can't make them change, i remember it causing fights.

[DRB]

Bamagrll222,

 

I have the same problem with my current girl, I'm way more affectionate than she is and it kills me. Like they can tell you that they love you everyday but until you feel it, REALLY feel it and get shown you just don't get it. Its the old "actions speak louder than words" thing.

 

My last girl was as affectionate as me and it was the best. I'd never felt more loved in my life (thats why it hurt so much when she left).

 

SO coming from a guy who is very affectionate, I don't know why he can't be more huggy and stuff. I know I can't live without it. Maybe its in his nature though that wouldn't explain why he is huggy toward his child then.

 

You could wait for him to come around though I'm not sure if ppl do in this situation. I know it doesn't help to hear that someone else feels your pain but I really do. I know how much it hurts inside not to get shown that your loved.