Your view would be greatly appreciated!

[alphonsefa]

I have an Ex that has left 2 times, the third time when she started her stuff again, was pretty much a mutual break. She would leave but yet always keep the door cracked a hair so she could get back in. When I seen the third time coming I slammed the door so she had no way back. In fact I told her to go away and never call me again, especially when she got depressed, which she so often does. Well 3 months of NC and she called me, I was stunned. I kept the conversation strictly to our careers, no personal stuff. She had told me she interviewd for a Management job, something she's wanted for a long time. So I let 3 weeks pass and then stoppped by the mall store where she works to say hello; it's on the way home from work for me. Again we had a nice talk and she greeted me with a hug and said, "it's good to see you". We parted ways and I let 2 more weeks pass. I then called her to see if she had gotten the job, and to see how she was doing. I got one word answers and a total cold vibe. To find out that she didn't get the Management job she interviewed for was like pulling teeth. Was it seen as a failure on her part that she didn't want to admit to me? I wouldn't have viewed it that way; in fact I would've told her to brush it off, there will be more opportunities. Then she said, "you don't have to call". So I said, "fine I won't call you anymore, I just called to see how you were doing, bye"; then hung up. I felt like an idiot trying to have a conversation with someone who obviously didn't want to talk to me.

 

That was six weeks ago, and it's confused me to no end. Why would someone who constantly threw the relationship away, who called me up after I told her to leave me alone, someone that I would've given the world for and who I was always good to, suddenly give me the total cold treatment. I did nothing at all to deserve it; she's the one that called me back. Even when I stopped to see her at the mall and called her, I never brought the relationship up, never put pressure on her at all. Could it be anger at me moving on quicker than her? I guess I just don't understand her mindset, maybe I never will. Why the one word answers and the silent treatment? Any input would be greatly appreciated. Not taht it will change anything, but maybe leave me a little less lost.

 

She knows I have dated other women since her, on top of it I was given a Management position, basically the same position she was interviewing for. They are different companies but the same positions. I don't know how she viewed this when we talked, whether she was happy for me or it bothered her. If she only knew what I've moved on to since! I was fortunate enough to keep some oldtime connections from the Music Industry open, and it's opened big opportunities for me that I once only dreamed of. I have such mixed feelings about this. On one hand I'm happy as could be that I will get the opportunity to do what so few get the chance to do; to do something you love, Music! Then on the other hand, I'm sad she won't be here to share it all with me. There was a stretch while we were dating where I was unemployed. She told me she resented me for it, because everything just came to me, a nice house, great credit, ect... I wish it worked liked that, fact is I saved a lot of my money while I was making good money in Music. What struck me as odd is that she resented me for it, where I thought it was something she'd appreciate because it offered us the opportunity to buy a beautiful house and live a great life together, without having to struggle for money. I thought she knew that what was mine would've been hers. Sorry to ramble, I just don't why these feelings keep hanging on and the thoughts keep running through my head. Thanks for listening.

[BellaDonna]

Why would someone who constantly threw the relationship away, who called me up after I told her to leave me alone, someone that I would've given the world for and who I was always good to, suddenly give me the total cold treatment

 

It sounds like she likes to get attention from you. She uses you when she needs someone to listen, or when she needs a self-esteem boost. Then once you try to have even a friendship with her- she runs away.

 

 

It doesn't sound like she is someone that even knows how to have a reciprocal relationship of any kind. I would not advise even being her friend- she is one-sided. She comes around when it's convenient for her and doesn't have any regard for who she may hurt. You're better off keeping that door tightly closed.

 

She told me she resented me for it, because everything just came to me, a nice house, great credit, ect...

 

Those things didn't just come to you- you earned them. She doesn't understand the concept of behavior (both good and bad) leading to consequences. She is jealous- and it shows that she really doesn't care if she resents you for your success instead of just being happy for you.

 

You're best bet is to forget her, and open yourself to new possibilities and the potential to share happiness with someone else.

 

BellaDonna

[Mun]

Hi there,

I don't know the whole story here, but the fact she resents you for the things you had doesn't sound like love to me. Are you certain she was ever in love with you?

 

Wondering if she might have even resented you for NOT being someone else (another man) she might have loved and let her down before you?

 

I have to agree with Bella, I don't think you will ever have answers that satisfy you. Her actions are all over the place. I think it's best ( and healthiest) for YOUR emotional well being to just move on. She sounds unstable. I'm sorry, I know wish you could look into her soul and know her real motives, feelings...

 

I wish you lots of luck. You say you have already been on many dates. Try not to look back then ...and if you do use it to say " I'm glad I got out of there"

[alphonsefa]

Wow Ladies, two very insightful opinions; they couldn't have been more accurate had you witnessed it all first hand. Thanks for the thoughts, they really set a few things in place for me. First Bella, you are so accurate it's scary. I think I was definitely used as her ego boost when she gets feeling down. Plus the part of never learning that behavior, both right and wrong, has consequences; and no she never was reciprocal in the relationship. I was always the one making the sacrafices and dealing with her bad behavior. Muneca, you definitely struck a nerve, and were painfully accurate with your assumptions. As much as it hurts to see it in writing from a stranger, it's even harder to have lived through it and realize it so long after the fact. A little quick bio on her previous relationship, and probably current for all I know. She was in a 6 year relationship with a dirt ball and she's equally at blame for continuing to return to something like that; a fact that I told her as I showed her the door at the third break up. More than anything the guy mentally abused her. He took a drop dead gorgeous woman and made her insecure about everything. Then there was the physical abuse, only once that I really know of. He roughed her up, choked her, banged her head against the wall, and bent her over the couch hurting her back. Her 2 brothers found out about the incident and they put him in the hospital. Rightly so in my opinion! Well the boyfriend sued the brothers and wound up getting $8,000. It ruined her relationship with both of them, they haven't spoke to each other since (a couple of years now). She had 2 abortions while with him, a fact that I know haunts her. He also once got a list of all of her Ex boyfriends from her phone book and then made a list that he distributed to them all, to let each know who she had slept with. He also put the list on her neighbors cars in the condo complex she lives in. Oh this guy is a real winner! Treats people like dirt, has a dead end job, is overweight, and the common sense of a moron. She has sever bouts of depression and takes medication for it. After seeing how she conducts relationships, I see why she would be so depressed.

 

I guess what bothers me is that I was never, ever, a doormat for her. Even the things I compromised on, I did more for her daughter (the daughter isn't his, she is from her marriage that ended 7 years ago) than I did for her; such as looking for a house in a certain school district. I didn't see it as a big deal, being we were planning on having a baby together once we were married. It would've been a great place to raise a family. But Muneca, you may have struck the most painful chord. She went through 6 years of hell with him, and couldn't change him. She couldn't get him to give her the things she wanted and be the man she wanted. I met and surpassed every dream she ever had, and outclassed him in every aspect of the relationship, including the bedroom. The only reason I mention that is before we were ever physically together, she would tell me how bad her sex life was with him. No fulfillment for her at all! Well that changed whenever we were together and it was real, so real that she actually called me on the phone while we were in one of our breakup periods and told me that she "misses the sex" with me. Crazy stuff to tell the guy you keep dumping! I just don't understand why she would want that back, to be so sexually unfulfilled! Though sex was great, the real aspects of the relationship were even better; at least on my end. I was always great with her and her daughter, always showed the positive spin on everything, always held my temper and showed by example how a man deals with problems. I always thought dating a woman with a kid would pose a problem, but her daughter was great, I loved her and would've done anything for her. The kid is simply amazing, to have lived in that environment for so long and be so well adjusted, just blows me away! But the one thing I wasn't, was him. She couldn't get him to act like me, and I think it drove her crazy. The first time we split she went back to him, and it lasted 2 days and ended in a hysterical crying fit as he drove her home from dinner, after which she jumped on the phone, left me a message, to tell me how right I was about him, and to let me know how miserable she was. The second time we split, she again went back to him, and again it only lasted a couple of weeks and she tossed him away again and came back to me. I was unaware that she had returned to him after the second break, I thought she just wanted to be alone for a while. When she admitted to being with him a week after she laid in bed crying because she thought I was going propose on Christmas night, it ripped my heart out and a disgust came over me. My tolerance level had been reached and I started calling her on some of the out of line things she would say. I wasn't mean, just brutally honest with her; afterall they were her suggestions so I played along with them. For some reason that bothered her greatly. I may of struck the most sensitive nerve when I agreed with her, that I will keep my options open, should I meet someone I have a future with. This is something she told me to do!

 

But it is painful to realize that she never really loved me, regardless of what she wrote, and said; regardless of planning a family and a future with me. The things she put me through are things you would and could never do to someone you loved. I'd rather inflict the pain on myself before I ever hurt someone I truly loved. Thanks for helping me see the obvious; It's amazing how the head sees it all happening at the time, yet the heart overwhelms it and finds ways to reason it all away. I had really started to let her go before she called after that three month stretch. Now when I think about it, it was a selfish decision on her part. She knows I love her, yet I let her be, let her live her life without me in it. Why did she take even that away from me? I felt like I went back to square one after that phone call. She's in for a surprise should she ever call again, but I don't think she will, I think I was the ideal man that she hoped to project on the abusive Ex. She was in love with the concept of me, but never really me. OUCH!