What if you truly are at the end of your rope?

[TiredMan]

Let's say everyone who matters (close friends, spouse/long time companion) has betrayed you or always treated you like you weren't important, you have no job or career, no friends at all because they always end up backstabbing or betraying you when you, no future at all, health is completely detriorated, anything you might enjoy gets taken away from you (like sports due to severe injuries), when is enough enough?

[LostInTranslation]

All the things you listed ... close friends, spouse/long time companion, career, future, health, anything you might enjoy ... can be replaced or helped. If you are truly at the end of your rope, you must grab on tighter and climb back up.

 

I know life can wear you down beyond your capacity, but nothing is worth giving up on life. I have followed your story closely and I know you are hurting, but you have the choice of making changes that can improve your life.

 

Find better friends and a better companion. Trust will always be an issue in any relationship, but you have to take chances or end up with no one to share your life with. Find a job that interests you ... even try something that will be a means to an end. Work on getting fit ... walking, jogging, even push-ups or sit-ups if you can join a gym. Find a new sport or hobby and learn to enjoy things that you never tried.

 

Try moving on with life and finding who you really are. That is the only way to secure your future.

 

I am going through a tough time with a current break up. I miss her so much but I can no longer support her as I hurt myself in the process. I know you put a lot of yourself in your relationship but you will heal one day. I think you should move on from your ex. You've tried to be in her life for two months now and it hasn't helped much. She knows how life is with you ... now you should let her experience life without you. Perhaps then she will realize what she has in you.

 

Please be strong and cherish the life that you have and the life you can make better if you choose to.

[TiredMan]

You see that's not it.

 

I DO workout and play sports daily. But my situation is that I keep getting hurt. I broke my finger the other day (I believe) and it now prevents me from hitting the weights again.

 

I have always looked for better people but they always end up stabbing me in the back. I had a close friend of many years go behind my back and talk to my g/f at the time (years before this one). I can't fathom why a person would backstab like that. Others could pretty much care less. For someone like me, who overcares for people, I just can't stand it. And my family has always been like that. So I am alone in it.

 

When I spoke to her, she basically said in her own words "do you expect me to forget how you made me feel in two months?" Where I come from, you support people you care about if they are sick or if they make mistakes and want to fix them. You turn your back when the person shows they don't care what they do or are just a rotten person who backstabs or whatnot.

 

I've gone from trying to do the "right" thing in the relationship to just saying how I feel, which is what she has been doing.

 

Man if I listed the things that have happened (in terms of bad luck) people would be in shock.

[LostInTranslation]

Well if you keep getting hurt then let your body heal and do other exercises or sports in the mean time.

 

Any one who would talk to your girlfriend behind your back is not your friend. I'm sure you've gotten rid of someone like that by now. I know it's hard to meet people and become friends, but you have to keep trying. Eventually someone will be worth being friends to.

 

As far as your ex, she is really in a selfish phase. I'm the say way when it comes to loyalty. I put up with my ex's abuse for nine months. I told her I would never give up on her. But I had enough when she started seeing someone new after she said she wanted to be alone. I don't deserve that. For you, it seems like she wants you to keep "supporting" her until she finally forgives you. I see this may be taking a toll on you that could deeply affect you beyond recovery. You can apologize only so much and try to convince her you will and have changed. If your two months attempt hasn't been enough, she may never see it or it may be that she just doesn't want to see it.

[TiredMan]

Well all of my friends have done this betrayal thing to me. The truth is, that I am so unselfish when it comes to things. Part of is disappointed when I see others are not the same but when I get backstabbed, I can't take it. The one who did that behind my back, I forgave him. Then later on, he did something not as bad but I just set off and haven't spoken to him in many years. We were best friends at the time.

 

I tired to lift weight today with my broken finger and I ended up hurting my shoulder (previous injury) trying to protect my hand.

 

In terms of the situation, I'm not even planning. I take it day by day with how I feel.

[TiredMan]

 

As far as your ex, she is really in a selfish phase. I'm the say way when it comes to loyalty. I put up with my ex's abuse for nine months. I told her I would never give up on her. But I had enough when she started seeing someone new after she said she wanted to be alone. I don't deserve that. For you, it seems like she wants you to keep "supporting" her until she finally forgives you. I see this may be taking a toll on you that could deeply affect you beyond recovery. You can apologize only so much and try to convince her you will and have changed. If your two months attempt hasn't been enough, she may never see it or it may be that she just doesn't want to see it.

 

That's also the thing. If she was seeing someone else or was about to, I would shut off like a light switch. It has NOTHING to do with that. She is very isolated from friends for the same reason I am. The reason being betrayed. I just wish I could take back my emotional outbursts. I couldn't help it though. It was how I grew up. I'm trying with everything I have and haven't had one in that time. Just don't know how long it will take or if it will ever be a time where she can move past it and forgive me completely. And in that case, will I be able to have forgiven her for this? I have been feeling like my soul is dying a little bit each day and it's not getting better. And when I don't talk to her (NC), it's actually worse.

 

In terms of the overall topic, people always say at least you have your health and your family and friends. Well, i can honestly say I have NONE of them. I have a family but it's very dysfunctional which led to my horrific childhood. Just always being yelled at and made to feel horrible. Friend, I already described. I have so much anxiety that I have many physical symptoms too like my stomach is completely done (so many things wrong with it that I can barely eat much of anything), my heart beats irregularly, I have panic attacks, I have TMJ in my jaw, I have a ton of physical injuries from sports (many permanent ones) and so forth.

[TiredMan]

I feel so horrible today. My situation is pretty bad when all the details are out. I feel so betrayed it's ridiculous. I want to shake her and scream "what happened to your heart?"

[skyjuice]

Hi Tired Man,

 

You still have this community forum--eNotAlone to support you.

If you look around, you could see many people in this forum is suffering not less than you. So you are not alone.

 

Try to make yourself busy, and not to dwell into the problem. The greatest way to forget about worries is to make yourself busy. Doing things that would keep your mind and body busy. For example, try learning Yoga. Or cook a good meal for yourself following a recepie book. These activities would give you a moment of non worries. It would help you.

 

If you want to do better, you could try offering help to others. This would give you streangth to move on. Because by helping others, it would boast your self -esteem. You could visit some old folks house and offering them some help. I think it would be great.

 

[TiredMan]

Thanks for the comment.

 

Unfortunately, I have always had an attention problem (difficult to concentrate when reading and stuff) and when something is bothering me, I can't concentrate too well on stuff. I try and it just doesn't work and it gets frustrating. So when people say to "keep busy", i know they mean well and I appreciate it but at the same time, it never works for me.

 

Problem is I have had all these bad situations going on and I had someone who was by my side and now she isn't. So i'm so alone. And while having this forum is helpful, sometimes days go by with nothing so it's very difficult, you know?

 

I asked her this morning, how long is she going to stay mad at me and she doens't know. I told her it's slowly killing me every day. I have been telling her this and it just is there.

[skyjuice]

Hi TiredMan,

 

Just take a baby step everyday.

 

You could go out and join some leisure activity. By this, you would not be alone because you would have other friends to accompany you. This would help a lot, unless the reason you feel alone is because you want her.

 

When you are alone, you could have all the time to yourself and learn to understand yourself. Find out your strenght and weakness when you are with her. So when she come back, you could do better.

[TiredMan]

The thing is I spend a lot of time alone and could handle it when I knew she was there. I have cut off friends because they act selfish and that is now how I am at all. I DO go to the gym a few times a week, I DO play sports on the weekend but it feels so empty because these people go back to their wives, g/f's and I feel alone again. I don't pretend that I am not a complex person with a TON of emotional problems from my whole life. But at least I go to therapy now but yes, I do want her back more than anything because we still do love each other and most of the problem is because of childhood leading to my emotions.

[doug]

tired,

 

Dont worry about how you are feeling. Its normal - its just some people have the ability to NOT think about things.

 

You are like me you want to deal with problems head on, find solutions. I bet your good at fixing things ! lol

 

I just dont think relationships can be fixed from our end (dumpees). The best thing you can do is just try and relax and see what happens.

 

You dont need anyone to make you happy. I play soccer at weekends and all the guys have wives / girlfriends - it hurts knowing that you are going home alone but that will not be always like that. You'll find another or perhaps get back together with your ex.

 

Loneliness breeds thoughts, I now live on my own in a big house. I feel like count dracula !! lol. I have my friends round and keep my head down at work. I also find it hard to concentrate with stuff on my mind but I just keep saying to myself, 'Im not going to think about you'.

 

Its been about a month and a half and I still dream about her.

 

Yeah i know ... all easier said than done.

 

Im running/cycling/swimming about 8 miles a day. Im gonna continue to do this. My motivation is ME.

 

Invest in yourself not her. You will get a return on yourself.

 

I wanted to end all this pain aswell. Think of this as a challenge and you will succeed. YOU REFUSE TO LOSE.

 

Carry that sentiment into anything else in life and you will succeed in whatever you do !

 

STAY POSITIVE.

[TiredMan]

Thanks Doug.

 

Only problems are that I have so many other emotional issues as well and she was acting as my support while I was trying to get through it and it feels like she backed out.

 

Don't get me wrong. I have been through a breakup before, after a 2 year relationship. And it was tough. I felt that the pain wouldn't end and I would never find love again.

 

This is so different. I know the pain won't end but only subside a bit and I don't want anyone else. She was the closest thing to a person I have ever met who shared my viewpoints and feelings. I'm 30 and have never met one person who was like me. She was the closest. It's so hard to get over this feeling of being abandoned. I always had this fear in my heart that my emotional trauma would get so bad that she would eventually jolt but she was so special and the things she said for 8 years, that I am in absolute shock. It's like finding out your parents lead a double life or something.

[doug]

I think everyone has some kind of emotional issue(s). This world is a tough place. Like the band the Eels say in novacaine for the soul, 'life is hard but so am i'

 

Again it just depends how receptive to them you are. You have identified your problems and taking positive action to resolve them. In not too long you will overcome these and feel better.

 

Others may or may not have issues in the future as they choose to not deal with them.

 

I mean I think I may have a few issues, im honest enough to admit it and im dealing with them. Im seeing the world from a whole different perspective.

 

Your ex was obviously someone who was there to support you. I like you have been in a few relationships, Ive been dumped once before this episode but I felt abandoned, worthless and alone. My ex may me resolved all my problems; brought me to life again.

 

Gave me hope in a future with her only to leave me on my own again. I figure that this is one of lifes great lessons. I think you cant rely on anyone for emotional help. You are you insurance policy and to be honest you know yourself better than anyone will ever know you.

 

Dont know if your from the UK or US but we have a band in the UK called the streets and I really relate to loads they have to say :

 

Or maybe its that i realised that it is true;

No-ones really there fighting for you in the last garison.

No-one except yourself that is, no-one except you.

You are the one who's got your back 'til the last deeds done.

Scott can't have my back til the absolute end,

Coz hes got to look out for what over his horizon.

He's gotta to make sure he's not lonely, not broke.

It's enough to worry about keeping his own head above.

I shut the door behind me, huddled up in my coat,

Condensation floating off my breath, squinted out the sun.

My jeans feel a bit tight, think i washed them a bit too high;

I was gonna be late, so i picked up my pace to run.

 

Its soo hard to take I tought she was the one for me. Really been on this crazy merry-go-round too many times before to not know what i want.

 

They have made their decisions unfortunately. Who knows whats gonna happen. I think my ex will be too proud to come back to me but if she dows I know that she will be sincere I suppose.

 

You are in shock and its compounding your problems. I think time heals. It hurts so bad just now but its a storm we got to weather.

 

What choice do we have ? how upset would everyone be if we took our lives. How selfish would that be....VERY.

 

Hang in there dude. Im at work and will be here until 0730 GMT if you want a friendly ear...

[TiredMan]

See, I'm not looking at this as a girlfriend. I mean 8 years and I am the same emotional mess now as I was then, though circumstances made things worse but I'm not a different person other than working on my temper and things like that. I just cannot understand how someone just jolts. I mean I talk to her on the phone but it's so frustrating because I want to shake her. We confided everything in each other (she knows more about my feelings than anyone including my family). I almost feel that if you take in and ask for that info, then there is a responsibility. What if I had become handicapped? Is it ok to jolt then too? I am praying that this gets resolved so we (notice I include both of us) can work on both of our true issues together.

 

Just feels like she is so mad at me and I don't know how you can be that mad knowing that I didn't mean to be the way I was, it's like a sickness. I'm not trying to blame it on anyone but myself but I feel that it's not because I am some jerk who just doesn't care about people and how they act. I obviously DO care and am trying to do anything to fix it. But at the same time, I feel like someone who spend 8 years telling me daily how much she cares for me and would always be there, should be by my side helping me since I am finally trying to get it. ESPECIALLY when she wouldn't go to therapy for herself because she has a history of mental disease on her mother's side of the family so if you bring up therapy to her, she gets all weird. Feeling that way, one would think she would completely see how hard it is to go into therapy.

 

Also throughout my life, I have always been "alone". My family was very mean and never supportive. When I moved away to go to school, I had friends but never felt comfortable. I only felt comfortable with her as she shared those same feelings. So I feel betrayed.

[doug]

Tired,

 

Sorry for the delay. This has been a long 12hr shift....

 

I dunno if there is anything I can say to help you, your therapist will be better placed than I to help.

 

I know its hard to cope with this on your own after having such great support, but I'm afraid it looks like its your only option for the time being.

 

My relationship breakdown has left me dealing and coping with things on my own. I know its hard man.

 

You got to stay positive though.

[TiredMan]

I'm trying. Everyday I die over and over again inside. But I still hope this passes and we can be working at being happy together again.

[doug]

Man after all my post to try and stay positive. I cant be myself. I think Im going to fall to pieces myself !

[jordan_2]

Tired man,

I'm just gonna say that you just ogtta stay in there and work harder at finding that person that will be by your side no matter what situation you're going through...

I think that you just need to keep doing activities that will get your mind off of this woman for ahiwle (i.e. ure excercising is a perfect example) and don't really hang out with ure married friends because u know how you feel when everyone has to go home.

I think you should get out to social places and start to be that charming witty character you were before, you just need to be able to work up the strength to have another crack at it and know that the right person, who is deserving of all your love, will be there to support you for the rest of your lives...

and know that you are supported, if not by anyone else (as far as you know) you have us here in the forums...

 

and let me leave u with this quote and I want u to know how true it is..

 

"to the world you are one person, but to one person you are the world"

 

hang in there and keep taking care of ureself

[TiredMan]

Unfortunately, some things have happened to me over the time of the relationship that does not allow me to "go out" in the way I used to. Without getting specific, let's just say it's not an option for me. I can honestly say that because of those things, I have not met one "prospect" throughout our relationship of 8 years. I also haven't been able to work a jon in 5, other than some freelance stuff from home. THAT is how bad it is. I used to sometimes meet girls/women but the physical things that have happened have destroyed me in that department. I can honestly say that I am 90 percent sure I would die alone as my age (I'm not into the going out deal and haven't been for a long time) and these circumstance (see above).

 

I know I was horrific and she just can't let that go but how do you just get up and walk away after 8 years without giving me a shot? She thinks by telling me something upset her, she was giving my chances. She is now telling me stuff about her feelings that she never did before, some because she claims I wasn't listening and others that "Just hit her". I just don't understand how a human being could be like that. But I love her and miss her (the person I have known all along).

 

Yesterday, I took a trip on a bus (not a regular bus but state to state like greyhound) for the first time in a long time. And the whole time, I was praying the bus would crash, as long as it was painless and I can go easily. I just feel so betrayed but someone I consider (not present tense) family.

[TiredMan]

I haven't told her this but I have been feeling like I wish she would have rather died than have this happen. Because then I would be so much sadder but I wouldn't know of or feel this betrayal thing too. Maybe I am crazy for thinking it but I am. NC isn't possible to fix that because I already know. But had she went away, I would remember her and be so sad but not feel the other feeling too.

 

I have been crying for about 5 hours straight this morning, which is about the norm.

[jordan_2]

I really hope u can pull through and keep getting out as much as you can

 

try to live a normal life (the one u had before u met her) and slowly u'll start getting so much into routine that you'll forget what u were so angry for in teh first place...

these things take time and seeing as you are still taking it one day at a time, let it pass as fast as it needs to, but the point is, don't give up...

life's beauties are infinite, don't let ureself be restricted from these beauties because of one person

[TiredMan]

A lot had changed for me since we first met. I was 22 then. Am 30 now. A lot of bad things have happened that have prevented the "normal" life you talk about. I wish it weren't the case but it is.

[TiredMan]

Ugh my mind is going crazy. It's almost like she wants to take a lets be friends and see what happens attitude. She doesn't understand that once I start feeling betrayed and it keeps going that way, then I start to really be hurt and hate the person. I don't want that to happen because I love her so much.

[jordan_2]

find someone else than bud....

don't you think that if you were able to get her interested in you in the beginning, there is definitely somoen else who will love you for eternity for you being you?

 

just give yourself, and that person a chance, and try find them