want things to work out but feeling awkward

[ehm doubleyou]

this is the link to my situatioin with my g/f

 

link removed

 

I have not been here for awhile....and to update my situation, my g/f and I got back together and we are trying to work things out. We talked about what was wrong with everything...and I mentioned to her what I needed in the relationship in order for it to continue. The main thing for me was to feel loved and some affection...not just with sex but I loved to be cuddled to, I always cuddle up to her and i would like it returned to me...simple touching puts the biggest smile on my face and it would help me out alot to not feel sad at times. A womans touch is what i was craving for. I have been analyzing our situation and to tell you the truth, I feel awkwardness between us now, is that something normal after a breakup? Something has changed after the initial break up, and deep down inside, my heart is telling me she is not trying to save our relationship. I find she just does the bare minimum to keep our relationsip going, and I am beginning to feel like I am second fiddle with her like I have been feeling for the past year or so. It just seems like every weekend she wants to hang with one of her girlfriends and I am just the guy to see on the weekdays. Just like this weekend I asked her whats going on this weekend thinking that we were gonna do something together, and she replied that she was thinking of hanging with her girlfriend(who is thinking about breaking up with her boyfriend which makes me feel like they both are gonna get rid of us both)...I kinda felt sad inside of me, i understand that see needs time to be with her girlfriends as I think its important for guys and girls to have, but at this time where our relationship needs to strengthen, I feel she is blowing our opportunity to save our relationship and it then makes me question us as a couple, but if thats what she wants to do then so be it, I will go off and make my own plans even though all I want is to hang out with her. All and all, I am beginning to lose hope for us. I love her more than anyone I have been with, but there comes a time where I need whats right for me, and I am kinda thinking now that she may not be right for me...any suggestions from anyone?

[heloladies21]

This kind of reaction is expected when you "convince" someone to get back together with you. It's never sincere and just ends in a break up anyways.

 

You wanna give her a fair chance to figure out her emotions? You guys need some time apart with No Contact and she has to come back to you, and it can't be that easy to get you back either. She has to prove that she deserves another chance. Then you will know her love is for real. And if she doesn't come back then you know she wasn't the one. Otherwise this situation will just fizzle out.

[Bounder]

talk to her about our concerns, but dont say you want to break up, just that its really important to you...and see what she says

[ehm doubleyou]

heloladies21

 

the thing is I did not convince her to get back together. It was a mutual thing, but I am kinda seeing your point.

 

Bounder

I think I will talk about my concerns to her, but not this weekend. I do not want to give her ammunition to talk to her girlfriend about me. I know her girlfriend does not like me too much and my g/f does not like her boyfriend at all.

 

 

I wish I could tell her the things I wish she would do for me. Like out of the blue making me dinner(i do most of the cooking and go the extra mile for her) I just want simple things like that, but htere is this part of me that tells me if I ask for those things, then it kind of ruins it cause I had to tell her about it and the surprise factor is gone...I just do not know what to do or how to handle this.

[Bounder]

Oh my god man, I was in your shoes two months ago. before I left to go home I started getting surly about what she wasnt doing anymore. I made her dinner every night after she got off work because she was busy and I wasnt, and she used to do a lot of that. i took her places, tried to get her to try new things with me. It wasnt always all me, but a lot of the things she used to do started to vanish. One time after dinner I went to do the dishes and she just sat and watched tv....all I wanted was a good thank you kiss or something. I got surly, she asked me what was wrong and I blurted out that she ate all my food all the time. She got mad back saying she never asked me to do these things, and could easily eat at her place, in fact sometimes she wanted to but just didnt say anything. It was awkward, suddenly I realized there were things she wasnt telling me and I wasnt being everything i should be. But how was I supposed to know?

 

the minute she told me I made an effort to stay over at her place more, even without ac and her dirty roomates....but maybe the damage was done. She let me define the relationship, and then got unhappy I guess....and maybe by then had already made up her mind....when I left she realized what she was missing, herself, and decided to keep it that way and went for this new guy. It feels terrible to have your efforts backfire, because you do it out of love, but why does it backfire sometimes? Because of a communication gap, one that sometimes is impossible to fill.....wow, this is something I never thought of and I think changes my view of things, thanks man.....hope you're doing ok

[ehm doubleyou]

Bounder

 

So what you are saying is that the relationship is on its last legs because there is a communication gap and one that may be impossible to fill? or should I try to fill that communication gap before it fails?...your story was interesting to read and even though I do not relate to it as a whole there a parts that I do relate to...what part did I help you have this moment of clarity?...I glad I was of some help to you lol...take care

 

mw

[Bounder]

All im saying if something doesnt feel right, trust your instinct and not what she says...talk to her and at least explain your end.....she might open up to you about things she hasnt told you she needs. I didnt act and I regret it

[ehm doubleyou]

ahhhh....ok...that makes sense...well do, I will ask her about it ...maybe even tonight. I think its something that I can bring up easily.

[Demond34]

Bounder

 

I sort of laughed at what you wrote about your girl changing. Not b/c its funny but its what is happening to me. Call it role reversal or something. After we broke up but got back together, all the things she used to do and things she used to say all disappeared. Meanwhile, I was doing things i normally didnt do in the relationship, i was doing more and more for her, more open about my feelings, i showed my love all the time, but my gut tells me something is wrong. After 5 years I better be able to pick up the little things that are missing.

 

Its amazing, how when she would always ask me in the beginning and middle of the relationship if we would be together forever, I would joke and say I cant predict the future. She was all about me and now, well it seems I could drop dead tom and she wouldnt care.

 

5 years ago i didnt want to get in this relationship, 5 yrs later i dont want to get out, What the hell is wrong with me?

 

ehm doubleyou

 

I suggest you take it slow and easy, dont force her hand. If anytime you don't feel like you're getting what you need out of the relationship, then you'll have to make the decision of backing off. You can get someone to change their mind, you can't get them to change their heart, she will have to do that on her own.

[Bounder]

Demon, do you think you'll break up? Ehm, how are things?

[Demond34]

Bounder

 

To your question, yes i do think we will. I have been on a roller coaster ride the last 2 months with her. We looked at engagement rings together, went to the beach together and are goin again on sunday. But at the same time, she doesnt stay over any more, is distant with her emotions, sorta leaves me in the dark and in the end she's set on moving 3 states away, very soon.

 

I told her to just tell me you don't love me anymore or like you used to. Her response was I can't cuz that would be a lie. SO I ask myself, ok, she loves me but wants to move away. I just don't get it. Once she does leave, I don't plan on continuing the relationship. Shes been very selfish lately and stubborn as all hell. If you want to be with someone and want a life together, I'm sorry but you just don't pick up leave. You atleast communicate and would want to do it together, but she's on this independent kick. Well, I'll give her a good luck and a pat on the back....

 

So long to 5 years!

[Bounder]

So we can expect to see her here shortly then i gather?

[FCTex]

My ex is on that same kick. Wanna be free, doesnt want to answer to anyone, and wants to do her own thing, when she wants, and where.

 

Regardless of my feelings... It's terrible..

 

However.. You my friend, are strong to be able to just let her go like that..

 

I dont understand how they can act and say all those things one day, and the next, be so cold and distant.

[Demond34]

Its not that I'm strong, nor do I want her to go. But if I try and convince her to stay, all she'll have is resentment towards me and we'll keep going down this same path. I just know its best if I let her go, for her and for me.

 

I dont understand how they can be so good one day and so cold and distant the next either. Tell you one thing and act a certain way one day and be the polar opposite the next. Its mind boggling.

 

I look at it now, as this isnt the person I fell in love with. The person I fell in love with was the girl that had compassion, love and cared about not only her feelings but mine also and wanted the relationship to work no matter what and strived for that.

 

Now her thinking is me, me, me. I'm going to do this and i'm going to do that. After 5 years, its completely different, she needs to be independent, well god bless her..... Now I can act all needy and clingy and be viewed as a wimp in her eyes or I can have some dignity and know that my life won't end without her. I don't deserve to be walked over, strung along only to be crushed again. I'll let her know I love her, I'll let her know I want to be with her but I DOn't NEED her, I'll know I tried to make it work and gasve it my best. I'm holding onto how she used to be, right now the way shes been does nothing for me emotionally or physically, in a good way anyway.

 

I never in a million years thought me and her would split up. She was in love, head over heels, and i knew without a doubt, she constantly told me and showed me(tended to be too much). People definitely change, now you cant get them to change, they change themselves. Maybe she will change back to her loving self to me, maybe she wont. In the end, all I know is I love me some me (I stole that from TO). Afterall thats all we got, well of course our family too, but you know what i mean.

[Demond34]

No she wont be on here, she doesnt know this site, plus shes not on the computer that much.

 

When i was doing NC for the whole 2 weeks that i did it and she broke it, thats when she was her oldself. I can count on one hand the last month and half that I truly knew she wanted to be with me. Not good in 45 days.

 

Does it help her that she keeps in contact with me everyday, until she goes? WHy do we act like boyfriend and girlfriend, if her plans are to move away and she doesnt say anything about continuing the relationship until I'm able to move down with her? hmmmm.....

[ehm doubleyou]

Well last night she called me shortly after i got home from work. we had a real great conversation so I did not bring up my concerns with her, I just did not want to start anything that may have ruined the great coversation that we were having. Another note I must mention is that she asked me what I was doing for the weekend and I told her that I was hanging out with one of my ex roommates only because she mentioned that she was planning on hanging with one of her girlfriends a few days ago. Well it seems like those plans are not gonna happen with her and her girlfriend but I wont be second fiddle and drop my plans with my friend just so she wont be alone, that is not fair for me that i was not even a consideration for doing something with her on the weekend a few days ago and now I am. So even though I do want to hang out with her, I am gonna stick to my guns and hang out with my one of my friends. I feel abit rotton about it, but this is for myself and my dignity.

 

I'll let her know I love her, I'll let her know I want to be with her but I DOn't NEED her

 

thats how i am feeling

[Demond34]

Good job, when you start dropping the things you have planned for her, she'll see that she can get you when she wants and its possible that she could take advantage of that. Like you said, if her plans didnt fall thru, she would be hanging with her friend and having a good time.

 

Its tough not to drop what you're doing, b/c you want to hang out with her and be with her, but her intitial plans didnt include you, so don't feel bad about what you're doing.