Why do I feel like it's not over? Daily Log..

[FCTex]

I don't feel like this whole break up is over.. I just, I can't put my finger on it, but I feel like it's incomplete.

 

For anyone that doesn't know the background of my breakup/relationship. It was a 1 1/2 year relationship. It was semi LD for a little bit, but not really. We saw each other atleast every weekend until the summers. Never fought, had a wonderful healthy relationship. Minor normal problems were there, it wasn't perfect, but it was happy. Serious relationship. We were very very close. I work for her Dad as well..

We met through mutual friends. It was at a party. I slept in her bed and we kissed alot and had a long long talk all night long. Nothing intimate the first meeting. Few dates later.. and Our relationship came out of no where, it wasn't planned, it wasn't tried, it just happened. We got along great, had good communication most of the time, outstanding sex life, enjoyed all the same things. It really was a match made.. We talked of futures together and plans. We both talked of how we were made of each other, and we honestly, even up until a month or so of the break up.. Couldnt keep out hands off each other.

 

A little over a week ago, she came out of no where and wanted a break.. We did a stint of NC, some contact, but nothing really big. I was crushed, and I still am. She didn't appear too upset, she cried, and was upset in front of me, but I just didnt feel it any other time.. This past Monday, I finally got what i wanted to know, that she didnt want to get to back together any time soon, and wanted to have fun, and be by herself. I don't know if it's for another guy, which she's been hanging out with and i think met days before we broke it off. I doubt that it is the reason, but you can't help but wonder. I don't understand her reasons, and she's not really talking to me at all, or trying to get them accross. We've talked a few times at work in person, and it's awkward, but she's not emotional like I thought, or she's hiding it. She said she's not talking to me to make it easy on me for a while, which it's not.

 

She showed no remorse that I could see for what she has done. She won't call and clear things up, and our talks are short, and emotionally filled while I'm at work and see her... She couldnt even really tell me it was over fully to my face.. She's trying to get the easy way out. I'm upset that she's throwing no caution to the wind, and I feel like she doesnt even care that we shared 18 months, of extremely close personal relationship. It wasn't a short stint, it was a serious relationship. I feel like she doesn't care. It bothers me. I wish she could be open and honest about whats going on, even it's not what I wanna hear, I want to hear it..

 

She said we could try and to be friends, and that she wants too. I echo that sentiment, I don't want to lose her totally. She's really awesome and outside of how she handled this break up, and for whatever reason, i still think the world of her. I'm deeply in love with her.. I care for her a great deal still. I would even take her back and make things work. Even though we both agreed that we wouldnt get back together, and be friends, after some time, I think from the way she was talking that who knows what can happen in the future, we both could come to the same roads again and she could realize what she's lost..

 

I feel like it's meant to be, and I'd love to wait for her, but I'm a successful 20 year old, and I can't wait for her to have her cake and eat it. I can't wait for her to fall on her face, and come back crawling to me. I'd love to be with her again, I'd love to slowly gain a normal relationship with her.

 

Why do I not feel like I have the closure in this? Is it because she's dodging a real answer to the break up? I felt like I was drug along for a week, to false hopes. She almost killed me... I love her, and while I tell myself and everyone else that I'm not upset like I would be to hear the final judgement, I am.. I'm not crying like I was last week, and I'm not nearly as depressed feeling, i think because I prepared myself for the worse.. I just get down, and I keep thinking of her. What is she thinking, and doing? Does she miss me? Does she care for me?

 

I just can't control my range of emotions.. Anything can shift it. I feel fine talking about it to people, but when I'm alone, i can't help but think of her. I want to go out and be social, and meet girls, and just hang out, but part of me can't help but think of her. My smile is fake, and my happiness to people around me is fake. I'm not happy. I'm dying slowing inside, and by her not giving me an answer I feel like salt is being blown into the holes in my heart..

 

I just can't come to accept that this happened.. My emotions wont even stay stable. I'm angry one moment, and wish the worse for everything. One moment I don't care, I figure it would have happen any time, why not now. One second I miss her and would do anytihng to have her back. The next second, I'm depressed and feel like something bad should happen to me so she might regret what she's done to me..

 

Help me!? I sent her a "closing" e-mail this evening, and it made me feel better. I thanked her for what her parents and her have done for me, how they reshaped my life when I had no direction, and I can't thank her or them enough for that. I thanked her for showing me what real love was, and to let me feel that. I thanked for her helping me out during the hardest times I've ever come accross. I told her I thought the world of her, until she did this, and I told her how hurt I was, but that I want both of us to be happy. I left it open ended for her to answer if she wanted to be honest and tell me whats going on, and i told her I'd be there for her if she ever needed me at all. I told her I wanted to be friends when the time is right, but right now it's the right time.

 

I'm thinking about just going to NC. Just dissappearing from the radar totally, and just being with myself and my friends.. it's just so hard, because she's starting a new school, and new apartment, and near everything, and I can't help but wonder how it's all going, and to encourage her, and talk to her and see how everything is going..

 

AHHHHHHHHHH. I wish I could just run my new truck off the road on the way to work in the morning sometimes.

[SadnConfused]

link removed all i have to say.

[FCTex]

Your relationship was EXACTLY what I had. I'd do flips for that girl, and ask how high.

 

I'd lay in bed and massage her. I'd leave her notes in her books when she would study for tests. I'd love them in her car, her drawers. I'd leave her sexy notes in her underwear drawer.. You had, what I had, and I miss it dearly.. We were both 20, birthdays 4 days apart. Close families, close relationships. While only 20, we couldnt even help but talk of maybe being married. We've even messed around and taught of cute baby names. Her parents mentioned buying a big plot of acreage, and them building a house and us building a house near by with them..

 

It's all broken. Broken dreams, broken hope. Broken memories, and broken homes. I feel like nothing lasts, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I keep loosing my shirt..

 

.... I mean, I'm unhappy.

 

I'm 20 years old. I'm out of school. I'm a Chemist. What 20 year olds do you know that are Chemists? I have a job of authority over people 2-3x my age. I'm still in training, and havent even TOUCHED where I'll end up in my career, and I make more than my mother. I have faith. I'm 20 and I bought a brand new truck. I don't fret finances. I have friends, I have hobbies. I travel..... I'm unhappy.

 

I just can't accept this..

[SadnConfused]

Ok Have you ever heard the term " I can feel you" Guess what I felt it. I am feeling it. It doesnt go away it gets worse. I am in total hell right now. The only thing I can say is that You are 20. You are lucky. You have time. you have time to move on. I thought I was done looking, searching, trying to make that "connection" It sucks. I hate it. I hate it everyday. I am a happy person by nature. I have hated my life for awhile now. I never thought I would say that. I have had everything growing up and my family is right there beside me today. I am just not happy. Only a person like you can feel how I am not happy right now. Something is missing, the most IMPORTANT thing...

[FCTex]

I might be 20. But I feel like I gave alot up for this.

 

I didn't have everything when I was younger. I worked for everything I have. I grew distant from my family. I didn't feel loved, I didnt feel like a favorite for anything. I didn't feel good about myself.

 

With her. I was superman. I glowed, and so did she. We laughed, we lived, and we loved. We were passionate, we were real. We made each other so happy that it made people around us sick. We hardly ever faught, and it always ended up in us working on things, and apologizing, and kissing and making up.. She made me feel so happy, so good about myself. I was on top of the world, I bragged about how happy I was to people. You couldnt shut me up about how great my life was. She got me involved into my job, she got me going, she told me how smart I am, and how successful i am. She was my purpose, my drive, my goal. She was the gold medal you work your whole life for.

 

Our friends never thought that a random meeting by us would turn into what it was. Everyone was surprised when they lost contact for weeks, or months, to find out we were still together.. I love that girl so much, that I once told her that love wasn't even strong enough anymore.. I LOVE her.

 

Right now. I'm in last place. I've fallen and I won't get up. I can't get up. I can't let go, and i don't want to let go. I want to touch her face, I want to grab her hands and scream to her how much I love her.. I don't have any hope. I don't have a goal to get up in the morning. I can't smile. When people ask how I am, I can't say good, and keep going. I stop and tell them I'm crappy. I tell them I'm horrible, and that things couldnt get any worse..

 

I'm fake. I put on my fake face when I get up, because my face is so swollen from crying in my dreams.. I see her in my dreams, and I ask why? I don't get an answer, and I just keep replaying our break up.. I replay out last time we kissed, the last real hug, the last time we had sex. The last time I held her hand, the last time we laughed. The last time we said we loved each other. It's all on repeat to the saddest music you've ever heard in your life.

[Bounder]

I feel what both of you are saying. Some days you just wish you wouldnt think or feel anything. BUT, lets try this, make a list of things you have, that another girl would like/love about you. Was your girl that special or rare in seeing that in you? Unless you have three feet and she only loves people with three feet, then maybe there is hope. Come on guys, its all we've got right now, to ward off those depressing thoughts...aide from rum and cokes

[SadnConfused]

All I can say is that you are repeating my exact situation. I know how it feels. I am not at all the same person I was. I dont think I can be. Our relationship was so important. It was everything I had ever dreamt of. I just go through the motions everyday....

[FCTex]

She saw what even my family couldnt and wouldnt see in me.

 

I needed help and she and her family reached out. It was a chance meeting the two of us, and the oddest way. It could have been a random hook up, but I stopped.. She never calls guys, and she called me.. We went out on a date once, and we were hooked..

 

 

I wrote down a list.. But you know what.. I don't care to show anyone that list. I don't care to show anyone how I am, and what I've become. I want to continue to grow that list with her.. I'm 20. Everyone tells me I'm young, I don't need to think serious. I didnt want to think serious. It happens. You can't control you heart when your in love. I felt lucky to find the love of my life at a young age.. I want her back. I want another go. i want to work my butt off for our relationship. I want her to know that the grass doesn't get greener on the other side. She's got the best right here for her, and I know she knows it. She's just going to have to fall before she realizes it and looks back... But what if she doesn't look back.. I can't help but look forward, and see her back to me...

 

I'm bad today. i thought I was getting better, but the more and more I think of her.. All of her pictures are slammed down face down in my room. I don't have the heart to pack them up.. The promise ring she gave me with a message on the inside sits in the back of my truck that her dad helped me get. I can't stand it... I look at her dad in the morning meetings and I want to cry. I see her. I can't go in his office because I see her pictures.

 

I want her back. I don't want anything else. Nothing. ever...

[FCTex]

So, last night I'm upset.

 

Today.. I tried to have a good day. I laughed at work, and got some things done. I didn't contact her at all.

 

I listened to some, somewhat depressed music on the way home, some rock, which wasn't bad, I found myelf smiling..

 

The second I get home.. I think of her... I got online, almost hoping she's online, but I figured she would be with her mom going outta state to see family.. I talk to her brother.. And found out she didn't leave yet, I figure it's so she can cram as much time in with her friends, and new found male friends(probably, but not super confirmed) before she starts back to classes on Monday..

 

I'm angry today.. Screw her for not loving me anymore. For ignoring me when she obviously hurt me. To be able to break down a man like she broke me down, she must be proud. She made me cry like an 8 year old. She upset me so bad, I had to get out of my car and throw up when we were talking about breaking..She killed a part of me that day. And her just ignoring me, is making me snoop THAT MUCH harder some days to find stuff against her, and to figure out on my own what she's doing, and why she did this to me. I wake up one morning, and have an awesome day with her. She breaks plans for the next 2 days to get stuff done, and comes back the next day, and wants to break up. She found someone, I know it, and she doesn't have enough courage, or respect to tell me whats going on. If it's not the reason, why would she hide everything so much now. If she doesn't feel guilty, why hide. If she thinks that what she did in breaking up with me was admirable, and respectful to my feelings even remotely, she wouldnt act this way. She's a coward right now.

 

All I want for her is to feel my pain. I want her to cry., Alot. I want her to wake up in the middle of the night sweating from dreaming about me. I want her to listen to music we listened to, and think of me, and turn it off. i want her friends and family to ask about me, mention my name, anything to jog her memory of me. I want her to be alone. I want her to be upset for JUST A DAY, to realize what she's putting me through. I feel guilty praying to God, to get us back togther, I feel worse asking him to teach her about doing all this. This is horrible. I'm so mad right now, but at the same time, I could hug her and cry with her.

 

I feel like she shot my head off, and walked away. I feel like she saw me wreck my truck, and I'm begging, hands out the windows, covered in blood, asking for help, asking her to love me, asking her to care, and to hold me, and her just standing there, not saying a word..

 

I even wish for bad things to happen to me. I found myself today wondering, if I went to the doctor, and they told me I had cancer, and I called her, only to be ignored, and to leave her a message, what would I say:

 

"Hi, I haven't talked to you ina while, and well, you know how I never really felt good sometimes, i went to the doctor, and I have cancer. I'm all alone right now, and i wish you were here for me like you used to be.. Please call me back, I'd like to speak with you if you care too... goodbye."

 

It's sick to think, but I'd find some serenity in an other wise horrible situtation..

 

Why am I pissed off so much. My feelings are out of control this week. I'm not really upset to the point of crying. Just unstable. I'm mad,. She hurt me, and doesn't care..

 

I'm so tempted to just write her parents a letter, and thank them, and drop the key to their house in the envelope.. She wont be at home to know. I wish she'd realize how she's messed up.. By wanting to be free, and do as she wants, yet, have her cake and eat it and string me along, she's only going to get hurt.......

 

I wish I could tell her parents some of the things of her past.... maybe they'd realize something.... I was good for her, more than they ever knew.

[melrich]

I wish I could tell her parents some of the things of her past.... maybe they'd realize something.... I was good for her, more than they ever knew.

 

I know you will never do this but I think you have to realise that she is their daughter and they will support her whatever, no matter how much you may think they liked you.

 

I would also stop talking to her brother. It may be putting him in a difficult situation.

[FCTex]

I just realized I can't talk to her brother eitheir.

 

I'm cutting my ties with her family. Except for her dad, which I have no way of doing so, as he's my boss..

 

I wish I could disappear for a month from them, and her mostly. I want someone to worry about me. I want them to think of me, and wonder how I am. I want my name, my image, and their memories of me to be with them..

 

 

I'm going to just go out and have fun. I'm going to get back to the old me. My old hobbies, old friends, and old habits. Everything I gave up for her, and my time. I'm going to cut my losses at this point, and attempt to let it all go. I know it's a lie to myself to say that. It's ironic that I still even say it, and type it. I wont forget, how could I? I can't forget a year and a half of life changing events, and memories. Right now, if I lost 2 years of memory, I might be okay, because as it stands, she doesnt even attempt to contact. I'm giving it all up and putting it in Gods hands. God has it now, and always has. I feel guilty for praying so hard for her and i to work out, and I feel let down by my prayers. I just can't see the whole picture right now, and it seems like everyone is against me. I just feel let down by everyone, especially her. I'm gonna pray she thinks of me.. I wish she would when she talks to a guy. I want her to see clothes that I wore and think of me. If she gets intimate with someone, I want her to think of me when she does, i want her to not be satisfied with another man, because of the memories she has, and the feelings she experienced. I want it to be a let down. I want her to call him by my name.. I want her to catch herself in the morning getting ready, and almost putting that promise ring on that she's put on for a year and a half, every day. I want her to go into her closet on a boring day, and find our "memory box" and see my pictures, my letters, e-mails, dried flowers.. notes.. and little knick knacks we've collected together.

 

I want her to pack up her room and find some of my boxers in her clothes drawers. I want her to see my dried up toothbrush in the holder as she packs her. I want her to see my shampoo and soap in her shower, and when she smells the many colognes I have, I want her to think of me. the night she had her face on my shoulder, and neck, the smells.. the feelings. I want her to drown in the flood of memories of me. Only then, do I feel like I've won something in this. I feel like a loser, rejected, and torn apart. I feel like I don't exist to her, that she's having too much fun with her friends, and doesn't ever think of me, and wonder...

 

Anyone care to join me on the wonderful daily roller coaster of emotions?

[FCTex]

I wish I could tell her parents some of the things of her past.... maybe they'd realize something.... I was good for her, more than they ever knew.

 

I know you will never do this but I think you have to realise that she is their daughter and they will support her whatever, no matter how much you may think they liked you.

 

I would also stop talking to her brother. It may be putting him in a difficult situation.

 

I have decided to do so. I found myself talking to him, and him getting mad because he said he can't offer me any more advice but to move on, and let it be, and that things will work out. He's 16 years old, so I dont need his advice, more than I need his knowledge of his sister right now. I find myself, telling him stuff that could make things harder for everyone.. I'm not going to talk to him anymore, I'm non exsitant to him, like I am to his sister.

 

I know I wont tell them anything. i want to tell them of how wild she was. the bad things she's done, the bad choices, and the bad people. I want to show them that when she was with me, she was a better person, maybe not becuse of me, but it came out in her. People mentioned that. Her family noticed it, her grandparents, bless their heart, told her to keep me because I was "good for her". She's a good girl, who's done things like maybe every other teen girl has done. however. when she was with me, her grades in college shot through the roof. Deans list. all year long. She was thrilled with her grades, and so were her parents, because it'll save them money.. She was safer, she wasn't out drinking and partying, and running off with people. She was comfortable. She lost alot of wieght, and changed her image while with me. I made her feel confident even before, she was still a knock out, but even now, she's even MORE SO a knock out. Gorgeous girl, something you like to run around to show off. I made her feel more confident in herself, and her looks. We shared the same sentiments for the negative things our parents had done, and never told anyone about it. Just between us.

 

i want them to realize I was good, even if it doesn't help the situtation. I want her, and everyone around her to realize after sometime, that in Column A. She had this, was this, and felt this way with me. and in Column B. She didnt have this, wanted this, and hurt. Was alone. without me.

 

I'm not the best thing in the world. But I loved that girl with everything inside of me. I'd jump infront of a car to save her, even now. I'd give her my heart if it meant she would live another day. I would go a million times over in debt to make her dreams and wants a reality. I smiled to think of her. I think the world of her, and more importantly, unconditionally.

[FCTex]

I keep posting, and no one answers, but this is theraputic..

 

 

I have some questions for myself..

 

Why do I when i talk to my friends, act like I dont care too much about this happening. I do, but I don't. I feel like I hide my hurting from my friends. I just tell them I'm ready to hang out this weekend, drink some beers, party, and maybe go out and find some girls to hang out/be with... Sure I'd like to do that, but part of me doesnt want to a little.. I feel like I'm lying to myself.. I'm hiding that I'm hurting, just for the sake of trying to heal..

 

Also, why do I feel that if I go out, and randomly flirt and hook up with another women this weekend, or even just stay the night with her, or have some physical contact, or even social contact in a form, feel better about my situation? I feel like it'll help me move on a little faster.. At the same time I feel as though, if I did it, I wouldnt be helping myself. I would feel guilty for doing so. I'd feel guilty if i ever got back with my ex(which I still wish for, but know that it's really just up in the air, and could be never, or could be soon, very unknown. I'm not clinging to it) for hooking up with someone. I'm also scared.. Scared that I'll think of her, and have a break down if I'm with someone.. Or scared that I'll call them her name. Scared that I woudlnt preform, because it wouldnt be her.. I'm just scared..

 

What is wrong with me? I've become so cold, and scared.... I just wish things would clear up..

[Demond34]

You need to let all that your feeling out... Feel sad, cry if you have to, feel angry, hit a punching bag, go for a run, do push ups. Whatever your feeling, let it out man. Just don't do any of that in front of her or if you talk to her. Talk to your friends about it, put your ego aside. talk to your family, they're there for you. Keep posting here.

 

Its tough, but its part of the process. I too when we first broke up, didnt want to go out, i didnt even want to look at another girl either. Face your fears, don't run from them. You'll learn alot about yourself and you will mature. Everything takes time, but time keeps rolling and doesnt wait for anyone. ONe of the hardest things in life you'll have to face is a devastating breakup. But what you learn about yourself and the mistakes you made and things you can take from the relationship will only better yourself.

[FCTex]

So, update...

 

 

I had a decent weekend.. I havent talked to her during the week, other than the mentioned times above. I was feeling good about holding my end of the NC up, and went out friday night. I drank my worries away, and saw old friends, and saw new friends.. Had a blast, and didn't really worry too much about the ex.

 

She was in NC with her family, so I found comfort that she'd prolly be asked about me, and where I was, and that she'd be bored and have time to ponder about what I was up too, etc.

 

I woke up Saturday morning, hungover, and saw that I missed a few calls during the last night, and early morning.. I was in the shower, everything going fine, and I heard my phone go off.. The ex text messaged me Saturday afternoon. It blew my mind to see her name on the list, and ironically, it could have been an act of God, but her text message was the longest message I've ever seen on a phone. My phone doesnt even allow a message that long... But it sent it through.

 

Earlier in the week, I had sent her an e-mail, basically telling her how I felt, that I loved her still, that I will pray for her in her future endeavors. That I felt like I was done wrong in this and how she hurt me, but that I can understand from what she told me, what she wants to do right now in her life.. I apologized for some of the things I said and did, and my regrets, and told her that I forgave her for hers. Thanked her for alot of things, and helping me out.

 

Well, she said in her message:

 

"Hey.. I'm in NC and just read your e-mail, but the computer is acting up and I can't write back yet. I just wanted to tell you that I do love you. You are an amazing person and I just can't stop loving you. I am sorry we havent talked but it has been really hard for me.. I can't explain why. I just want you to know I can't lose you as a friend. you are prolly the best friend I have ever had and you know as well as I do they are far and few between. I want you as my friend, and I am sorry that I have hurt you... Honestly from my heart..... I love you."

 

I was excited to see, and read that. It made me feel like my NC was doing good, and that she might see whats going on.. I was okay with it at first.. I didnt text her back until that night. I just gave in.

 

I told her I loved her too, and to give me a call when she's ready. That I miss her more than I want to tell her, and to have a good trip back home, and to make me proud in school, and that I know she will..

 

She didn't respond, which I understood, and tonight on the way home, I got down.

 

I keep thinking about her, I cried a little.. I texted her again tonight and told her I know i shouldnt be borther her, but that I wanted tell her I was praying for her as she started a new school and new classes, and that I wish the best for her, and to let me know how its going and if she needed any help to give me a ring. and I said I loved her.

 

I just thought I was doing better, until this all hit me like this. I dont know why I'm do down. I want to die again.. I was so happy to see a msg from her, but at the same time, it set me back in time.. I wanna break contact, but I just think that her message, and the way she sent it, and how she doesnt want to loose me, just makes me feel like I have a hope of trying "us" again. i want another shot at it, and i want us both to work hard for it.. We can't be friends and date other people, it just wont work.. I tell myself that her and I are done for good, but part of me, deep down inside is still clinging to hope, and every little contact by her, and comment she makes, just makes that little hope glow that much more inside my heart.. That we'll get another chance.....

 

I dont know how to feel again.. I'm lost... I want her back so bad I'd die for a chance, but I dont want her right now. I'm such a mess..

 

I'm fighting myself now. I want her to contact me.. I really really do, and I want it to take a direction for the better, and hope.. I just dont know if I can stand her contacting me, and I dont want her to get my hopes up if there really isn't a chance in her heart... I dont want to get lifted and only taken back down again, but I'd hurt myself again to just try it and see.. But I dont want her to contact me.. It's hurting me too, and I dont want to tell her that, because I dont want to push her away, when I really want to just have her come back to me, slowly...

 

Help me everyone.. What do I do? I wanna better my odds with maybe getting a chance, and to come off the right way. I dont wanna convince her, I want her to do it herself, but I want to get her thinkin, and I want everything to lean towards that.. But I also don't want to have a false hope. I barely lived a week on it, and I almost didnt make it.

[FCTex]

So... 'nother day gone by.

 

I seemed okay today.. Not really busy at work, and I had plenty of time to think about life..

 

I find myself worse in the mornings, on the way to work. A 45 minute drive, and I just find myself listening to CD's that my ex and I enjoyed. I dont know why, but I just can't really stop listening to them, like them too much, but the memories keep flooding back.. I also find that the drive home, and night time are the worse for me.. I guess because I'm not busy....

 

It's been a day or two over 2 weeks since this all happened.. About 9 days since a total break up.. I'm still struggling, but I find hope in every day.. I still have my ex's pictures around in my room and living areas.. They arent facing up, they are all layed over. I just dont have the heart to put them away.. I still find random pictures of her and I, or her, around, but i leave them be and I don't look.. I just can't put the "away" as people mention to get closure. I still have dreams of turning them back right side up one day.. soon enough. However, un knowingly, they dont bother me at the moment....

 

So in my last post, I mentioned that my ex contact me. It was a really sweet text message, almost have a lining of hope within the words. Or maybe it's just me... It seems like she's opening back up a little bit. It's been 2 weeks, and she's at the point where she's not at home anymore. She's in a new apartment at school, which is only an hour from her parents home and her "real home".. However, I dont think she's out with her friends much now, and busy with new roommates and school, and ect.

It seems like she's coming around though.. Maybe starting to get lonely. I know she'd be hanging out with a guy, or a group of guys/girls that she met at a club about the time we broke up.. I'm sure he's at school, and he's a grad student, and goes to school in the city.. I'm just waiting for her to go to partying on the weekends, and watching her grades fall..

 

So, I've been holding my NC.. Somewhat. I broke down sunday night and called and texted her back, from Saturday. I waited atleast. I didnt draw anything out. Just wishing her luck for school, and to be safe. Just assuring her that I was thinking about her as she took on this stressful task, and thanked for her text. And of course, she didnt respond, but it was awfully late.. I left my messenger on tonight while I went out, and she messsaged me tonight, which was again, a surprise.. She said thanks for the message, that she was asleep though, and that school was good.

 

Thats all she said. Nothing else really, but I think it's a positive step that she's talking to me somewhat now.. Because she's been cold, and had a guard up since all this went down.. So I'm looking at her talking to me, a positive thing. I dont know if when the time comes for us to see each other in person, or talk on the phone comes, if she'll have a guard, or what.

 

I don't know what to expect.. I'm wishing that we'll end up talking about whats going on, and coming to an agreement, or having an open heart talk about everything. I wish we could hang out and really remember our old times, and have fun. We havent had that in a while, since the break up. It was bland, and boring, due to alot of things... I think maybe she needs that. things got boring, and both of us took "us" for granted I think. Me mostly. I think we both gave up on it, and got too "comfortable" if that makes sense.

 

Her contacting me though is really killing me. It's making it hard on me I think. My hopes are getting bigger, of us maybe trying again. I still know that it might not work, and that she might not ever come back around, but this is all making my hopes grow. Which is bothering me. I do and I don't want them too. I want to work on me, and get over this, and THEN try again, but at the same time i want to just run back to her, and work things out slowly... I'm also breaking really easy and contacting her. I sent her another text message tonight, telling her that I was happy to hear school was good, and to give me a call sometime, that i'd like to hear how school and everything was going.. I might shouldnt have texted her, but you know what, I dont think that what I said, did anything but allow her the chance to think about contacting me back. I'm okay with her not contacting me back, thats fine. I just feel like maybe she's remorsing what she's done, and thinking about me, and us, and things that are going on, and maybe she's slowly coming back to me, but in a way to protect her pride, any to give her time to think about what she wants, and wants to do. I think she might be wanting to keep me close, as if how she wants to still be friends, and how she can't lose me and still loves me very much.. She's trying to keep my close, yet, still play her options, whichever those may be.

 

I just want her back now. More than ever. More than last week, and the week before.. I miss her, and even though I tell myself I'm not waiting up on her, like my best friend told me.... I am. He told me that subconsciously, your waitning on her, whether you say your are, or you aren't... Which is true.. I dont want to move on, and leave her..

 

Help!

[FCTex]

I'm doing good today... I guess..

 

I'm not dwelling on alot, just some observations..

 

I find myself trying to peer into my ex's life. I'm wanting to know what she's doing, who she's with, how she is, whats going on, etc.. I know I shouldnt, and I'm holding back from doing it mostly, mainly because I know I wont get anywhere and all it will do is hurt me more..

 

I also find myself still referring to her as my girl, or girlfriend still. I'll get to talk to someone, and say.. "Oh my girlfriend...". I find myself calling her that on here, and I have to delete it, and call her my "ex". I wondered that today. When people ask.. am I just an "ex" to her? Or when she refers to our situation, does she call me "her boyfriend, who she's separated with, or broke up with." Anything but Ex.... I want some hope still..

 

I still cling to a "maybe" about us getting back together. I feel like I've forgotten what she looks like in person, and daily. All I have is pictures, and they aren't really what she looks like in person, daily that is... I miss that... I feel so left out of her life, during such an active time for her. I feel left behind in the dust, only to ask and wonder...

 

The NC is going good today. I still find myself looking at my cell phone to see if I have a call or a text, and when I do, I almost instantly hope it's her. It never is really... So I'm trying to stop that.. I'm trying to accept the fact that nothing will ever come of us.. I swear she's dating someone else, but she's keeping it low key if anything, so as to justify her break up and plans.. But I might be wrong, I analyze alot of crap too much. She's busy with school, and I wish her the best, although I wonder if she'll do just as good in school, since she's so "free" to do as she wants..

 

I just wish she'd come around, and break the NC for good. I don't like this, and I'm only doing it to make her come to me. She said she doesnt wanna talk, and didnt because it's hard on her. I dont know if I believe it or not, but I wish it was really true. I want her to hurt, and to re think whats going on. I just want her to break down, and ask if we can work on things.. .Things were so happy when we were together..

 

I miss her though. But I guess there isn't a thing I can do about it, but just let her do as she wants... I just can't get used to not having someone there, or something to do, always. I'm finding myself, wanting to find someone else so soon, just for the affection, and comfort of having someone, although I know it wouldnt instantly be like that.

 

I'll live I think...She wont be better off without me, and i still believe her dad was right when he told her one day that, that she wont ever find someone that will love her and much as I do... He's right..

 

I wish her the best, and I'm moving on I think... I can't keep waiting, hoping, and wishing.. I just want her to look at our memory box.. The pictures, the 1st Christmas ornaments her parents made for us. I want her to see the rings I bought her when she puts her jewelry on to go out. I want her to think of me at night when she takes out her diamond earrings to go to bed. I wish she'd flood with the thoughts of us, and she might, but she's doing a darn good job of fighting back the urge to talk to me, even though she told me she loves me, and that I'm amazing, and her best friend, and that she can't lose me and wants me as a friend.. I think she's trying to keep my tied on, so she can decide what she wants to do... And as crappy as it is. I'll keep following..

 

Anything I can do to better my chances, of getting back? But at the same time, I dont want to risk too much, setting myself back if it doesn't ever pan out, which is a very possible thing.

[FCTex]

Here I go again..

 

Once the day starts to really end, and the night falls, I feel so alone. I didnt go out tonight like I planned, I didnt get anything done. I sat on the computer.. I listened to music that didnt help my depressed mood... I can't help but listen to it.. I don't know why. I'm punishing myself..

 

I went into my e-mail and I looked up old e-mails from my ex.. Her telling me I was everything to her, how she loved me, and prayed for me to come into her life. How she can't wait to spend 5,10,20 and even 50 years with me, and still love me the same... It made me cry to read them.. It felt good to remember, but at the same time, hurts to bad that it seems like it's all going to hell. I read some song lyrics she sent me on our anniversay of 1 year.. The song fits so perfect to what i feel now.. It hurts......

 

I talked to her brother, and I know I shouldnt.. I get on about talking about her, and he doesnt really want to, but I mentioned how I feel like I forgot what she looks like, and that I can't take pictures down of her in my house, they are everywhere... and I said I wonder if she looks at me in pictures.. He told me she does, and i asked if she had pictures of me at her new place, and he didnt know, or didnt say.. But he mentioned she had a "box".. The Box I got her with our pictures on the top, a cherry wood box.. Full of old flowers, pictures, oraments.. ticket stubs, letters, cards, e-mails.. anything that has a meaning to our 1 1/2 years.. Our feelings and our sentements. He told me it's on her dresser.. That she left it at home because she told him "It's too hard to look at, or look through.".. I dont know how to take it.. If she's wanting to forget, or if she's having trouble with it like me.. I just can't see why if she's hurt by it all, she knows she can fix this! Just one call, one meeting, and one talk, and the hurting can stop!!!!!

 

I'm really down tonight.. I'm crying, and I haven't done that since the first week that I can remember.. I thought I was doing good tonight, but I'm not. I'm alone.. I punish myself. I'm alone, and worthless... I can't help but think of the good times.. I can't handle this flood of emotions, but I can't stop thinking about our smiles, and our touch for each other. I can hear the I love yous.. I keep thinking about our last kiss as I cried and asked her to not do this.. I remember our last hug, real hug.. I can remember our last day together, what we did.. The hand holding, the drive around town.. The concerts, and the bands.. I remmeber just looking at her that afternoon, and just being so happy and content... Everything stood still, and her and I was all that moved when we were together...

 

I just wish she'd steal my heart... again... Just take it, stop the bleeding, and the pain.. Make me smile, make me hope, make me live, and love again..

[FCTex]

Well.. Update again..

 

I had a rough evening, and up until going to bed I was horrible. I was really getting down, thinking about everything. Just not how I should be..

 

I talked to a close friend, who's really good at relationship stuff, and pretty much keeps me sane about anything with women.. Well, he gave me this advice last night, and I honestly felt better..

 

He told me that the way things were broken off, it left me with hope. Then when things settled, it really came out that it was over. I was okay, but I still hold onto the hope of getting back together..

 

He told me to move on, get over it, live your day, one day at a time. Because sure, who knows whats in the the deck of cards for my ex and I. We could very well get back together, in the future, but there's also the very real, and very cold side, that it's very possible that we won't EVER get back together. I'm not driving anymore. I"m a passenger. I've expressed my needs, and my wants. She knows how I feel(other than current changes) about all of this. She knows I want to get back..

 

I shouldnt be dwelling on the hope. It's okay to hope, and wish, and dream. But don't let it drive your life.. If she comes back, be over her. If you really love her, you wont forget her. You wont forget the good times, the bad times, the funny times. You wont forget what made you fall in love with her.. People are going to change, no matter what, but deep down, when you love someone, that always stays with them and you. I need to move on. Go out, have fun, smile, laugh, play, and be cheerful for the things I have, and the things I want. I should prosper in the fact I had 1 1/2 years of some of the most unbelieveable times of my life. Some of the happiest I can remember, but also know that I've learned some of lifes greatest lessons, and if anything, that my life is now 10 times better than it was before, due to her.... You can't forget that or take it away, but you can move on, and learn. And If she does come back, I'm ready. I'm ready to smile, ready to be a friend, ready to show her how I've grown, and changed, and how much of a better person I am than the guy she fell in love with.

 

I should be surprised if she comes back. Not let down when it doesnt happen. If I move on for myself, and I grow, and heal, and learn, then if she doesnt come back I'm that much better for myself. If she does come back, I'm still much better for myself, only, I have the chance to fix and do, and say the things I never said to her, or did. And so does she.

 

I know it sounds like alot, and it's hard to swallow, but I'm finding that staying in the mind set of, "It's over, for good." Helps.. It hurts, and I'm not saying I'm not going to hurt, because I WILL have bad days. I will always miss her, I will always love her, but I wont always wait my young life away for her.. If she wants me, she can have me. But she's going ot have to want to, I can't make her.. And if she never comes back around, and only wants to be friends, then so be it. She'll have to wallow in the fact that I'm a better person for all of this, but she can also be proud that she did alot for me, and I wouldnt be where i was today without her..

 

It's over for her and I. We've sunk into NC.. I'm fine with it. I'm getting stronger by the day. I still want to see her name online on my msg list. I want to see an e-mail, a missed call, or a text message on my phone.. But I don't yearn for it. I don't get down when I dont see anything but the time.. Things are looking up. I'm going to miss everything about her, but I know it's over. I can't make it happen, she has to.. And when that day comes for us to try again, I'll be a mature, better off man for it, and I'll be surprised, and I can sweep her off her feet once again.. But if she doesn't come around.. She's only going to see me make another women happy, because I DO have alot of offer another women, she's only so confused to see what she fell in love with.

[FCTex]

What a day!?

 

 

I'm feeling confident today.. Powerful. Happy. And I'm feeling like I'm working on getting over my ex. Working on growing from this. I'm bidding her thought goodbye. Telling myself that it'll be awhile before she ever contacts me. I knew she would, just didnt know when.. I've been holding NC, which is working good for me. I feel good for not contacting her. She texted me last weekend.. It screwed me up, took me 2-3 days to get straight again..

 

I pull into my house after going out and running errands. My cell phone rings a ringtone that I havent heard in over 2 weeks, and her picture pops up on my screen.... I panic. I don't know if I should answer, or not.

 

I answered it, and quickly said in an upbeat voice, "Hey stranger!" We had about a 15 minute conversation. She said she was studying and taking a break from reading, and wanted to see how I was doing, and chat. We had a good chat, didnt bring up the break up, or anything of that sort. Kept it light and upbeat. Asked about school, she asked about work.. Family stuff, my new truck, my friends.. etc. I asked about her new apartment, school, friends, etc.. It was a good conversation. Just friendly.. I told her I had to go, and she said she did to, she needed to get back to reading. I said goodluck with classes, and that she'd be fine, since she said they are way harder than she expected. I told her she'd be fine, I know she would. She said she'd call me more, and wouldnt be a stranger. I said, please do, and said we'd have to hang out one weekend or something at the school, and she said yeah, definitely. I gave her a quick goodnight, talk to you later, and hung up.

 

 

I don't know whats going on with her... I really don't. She hasn't been in school 3 days, and at her new place 5, and she's already called me wanting to know how I was doing. I think it surprised her that I was doing so well(or said I was, and sounded like I was). And the fact she said she'd call more, and agreed to hanging out was good. However, agreeing and doing so, are two different things..

 

I dont know why I'm so confrontational about this all. I'm mad because it's going as I planned. I'm mad because my plan was falling apart and I decided to cut my loss, and do this on my own, and get over her.. I'm not going to call her though. I'm going to continue my NC, atleast until she calls me again, and maybe I can guage whats she's wanting, or doing...

 

I'm just thrilled she called. I feel so happy right now, yet content. I'm not wanting to talk to her, or urged to call her, I'm just content that she called really. That she was sitting there, studying and when she took a break, i was the thought she had.. She used to call me when she took a study break, when she was in school last year, so I'm wondering if it was habit..

 

I dont know..

 

What should I do?! Keep NC? I'm getting over her, and like i said, what happens, happens, but I'm not waiting, or dropping my schedule to work on her. I will a little, but not very much, I'm not getting hurt again, or getting false hope.

 

HELP!

[melrich]

I don't know whats going on with her... I really don't. She hasn't been in school 3 days, and at her new place 5, and she's already called me wanting to know how I was doing.

 

What's probably going on with her is that with all these new things going on (new school, new place) she wants to touch base with something familiar.

[FCTex]

I figured that much.. That she's feeling somewhat alone in a sense.. The fact she's in a relatively new place, and new routines, and that she's just used to being school, and having me in her thoughts and routine..

 

I also think my lack of contact is starting to wain on her. Her not contacting me made me wanna cave. I'm stronger everyday with it, while I think she's starting to break down some, more so than she was 2 weeks ago.

[melrich]

while I think she's starting to break down some, more so than she was 2 weeks ago.

 

You may be right but try not to pin your hopes on it. It could just as easily go the other way, right now she may be finding all the newness around her overwhelming and daunting. Once she gets used to it it may just suck her up into a whole new world for her.

 

Stay with healing yourself as best as you can.

[FCTex]

Thats my goal...

 

You know what though.. I'm finding some huge comfort in her calling me.. I don't know why. I hate that when I feel like I'm moving in a good direction, she's contact me and halting it..

 

However, on the other side of the coin. I'm so content right now. The best night I've had in a while.. I'm smiling, I'm just happy.. I'm not as happy as I used to be, but compared to the last two weeks, I'm awesome..

 

I think I'm lookin too deep into the meaning of her calling. I think she just knows that I'm a part of her life still. We had the most amazing relationship, and she'd still tell anyone that right now. I know she would. Things just kinda.. got boring, and stiffling.. I'm okay with things now. I'm accepting the change. I still have my hope, but I'm healing myself, and she's more than welcome to come back into my life as anything she chooses, but if she wants me back, she's going to have to do more than just woo' be back to her with phone calls and meetings.

 

I'm going to heal, but I'm wanting to make sure I don't push her intentions of wanting to get contact started with us... Because at first she wanted to take a break and try again whenever she was ready. After I pushed her buttons, and broke down, and all that stuff, she finally said in a text that she wanted to break up, and date other people later in the future.. Who knows. I'm on my own. I'm healing, and I'm happy. I'm powerful right now. I'm content to a degree. I'm thrilled she called me. I wish her the best. I love and miss her dearly.. And I know she does too, but I think if she calls me or wants to meet me, I will, but with some guard up. I want to work on getting back to "being her friend" before anything happens.

[melrich]

Sounds like a good attitude.