Hell to pay and trying to find truth

[westwind61]

In hanging around this forum, it strikes me just how few married men there are who were the cheaters who come in here and post. I have documented my story in previous posts so I won't go into it.

 

I am well into a month now of true no contact. I find it crippling because I know my former girlfriend (to me that sounds trivial because she meant so much more to me) is trying to flush me out of her system. It takes a ton of discipline not to contact her and I realize it is selfish for me to try and reach out so that she feels better and I feel better. So I stick to it. I read neya's and stinky's posts and know my former has that same kind of anger. I want to tell them and my former "hey you have some responsibility too, Don't be so mad at me" but then even that sounds self-centered.

 

I have put all the energy back into my marriage as much as possible. I have stepped up the way I help around the house 110% I hold her and kiss her and tell her how sorry I am. I try and be positive and dote on her She is appreciative but still knows I am not all the way back. I am trying. I go through episodes where something tells me I'm not in love with her anymore. Then I go through this mental struggle trying to define the truth about love. It's not "romantic" love although you can rekindle it but it will never burn like it did during courtship. I struggle with fantasies of returning to my girlfriend. I don't miss the sex with her. I miss her personality and the fact that I was so important to her. I try and impeach her by realzing she had fooled around with other men while married before she got to me and that she immediately let another man move in she barely met right after I broke it off. Her divorce is just now final. I don't judge her for that. I still love her.

 

I know the answer is "time heals" and that this stuff will calm down in my mind. Just wanted to post and say it's "hell to pay" for what I've done. Men in my position apparently don't talk about this stuff and there are a lot of them out there. I even feel out of place in this venue sometimes.

 

Allright. I will shut up and go do something positive right now. I appreciate this place and the opportunity to share.

[Bounder]

Your right, mean dont talk about it. Good for you....you seem tobe trying real hard. My mistake cost mme I think, in the long run....she just never saw me the same way I guess. Keep going.....

[westwind61]

God I need help tonight. It's the loneliest feeling in the world sometimes. Those struggles are creeping in that my wife and I previously had. The unwillingness to be open. I feel this complete sense of loss with the other woman.

 

Me: What are you thinking?

Her: Nothing

Me: You had to be thinking about something . . .

Her: I was just drifting.

 

23 years of that. Refusal to be open. To share.

 

The other woman in in love and is planning to marry this new guy although it's not announced yet. I kind of had this hunch I would end up alone and have to sacrifice it all. I think I could live with that. Sometimes I think I have it togethter, and then nights like tonight, I am losing my mind and feel complete despair. Im hanging in there with no contact. With her already in love again (her parting words to me when we cut off contact a month ago) I would just make an a** of myself if I made contact so I won't do it.

 

Help!!

[seterk]

You should hate the other woman:she played you. She didn't love you. And you know it. You love your wife man. The other thing was a fantasy, an obsession. If you got her, the whole thing would have been destroyed. You only loved her because you couldnt have her. Read my subject title..I know, guy. Go to a counseler, it will help, I promise. Pretend you just met your wife. Look at her different. Admire her positive personality traits. Don't overdo things. Be restrained, she will begin to notice, believe me. She's the loyal one, remember!!!!! The other one is a low life user. Right?? RIGHT???????

[seterk]

..you are now obsessing. This is entering a phase where you are not thinking healthy. Talk to a counselor. Trust me. Remember, I've been there, done that..

[westwind61]

A little calmer this morning. I am in fact seeing a counselor, and there are what he calls spikes where you go through this. Hopefully I can get to that point where I can't stand what I am going through so badly that I finally make that final push up over the top.

[westwind61]

The other thing I'll say (I can tell from the "views" that at least a few people are reading this pathetic story) is that when you go through this your ego or whatever it is tells you that you and her are special: the exception to the rule. It's just a bunch of crap. Healthy, functioning people don't have affairs. Not to say you can't correct and and repair. Like I said, Hell to pay.

[seterk]

The affair didn't "just happen." That's like saying drug use "just happens." You had certain conditions or mindsets that made this the end result. The other girl wasn't changed when she met you. You said it yourself that her behavior has been the same before during and since this thing. Read that again-you said it yourself! By the way, it sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder. These types are classic for getting someone like yourself into their traps. I think your counselor might want to look at this as an obssession problem and I would ask if maybe something like Luvox, which is an anti depressant with anti obsessive properties can help.

You mention a typical interaction with your wife. Was this verbatim? Maybe you should practice new conversational techniques. Ask her about things having nothing to do with anything-"the weather"- and SLOWLY try to move the subjects towards your relationship. Ask her a lot of open ended questions, so she has to talk. Use your body language to show interest. There are several web sites and books on this. Pretend you just met her!! Make her like you again. You might enjoy the whole process. Oh, by the way, when you read this paragraph you didn't think about the other girl, did you? Because I just got you thinking of a new, important thing to pursue!! Action trumps negative thinking!!! Again..Action trumps negative thinking!!! Say, notice I call the other person a "girl?" Because she is..a little girl. Concentrate on your WOMAN, man!!!! Do it.

P.S. Sound like I know about this? I wasted years on girls like this. And I wasn't married. I would actually dump available, quality ladies just to be available for these idiots, who would then jerk me around. Believe me, I know your misery, man.

[westwind61]

Thanks for the feedback. I may in fact be borderline obsessive at this point. I see my counselor again in a week. Funny thing. I have known this woman for a long time and use to find her personality annoying. And your right. I need to get my a** in gear.

 

Thanks again.

[seterk]

See? You said you didn't like her personality! She's not a good person, she cheats, she ruins lives, she jumps in and out of unhealthy relationships..and you LOVED her?????Don't gloss her bad points over, and quit defending her. Reread your own posts. You tell about something horrible she did, then you immediately defend her or blame yourself for what she did. She sucks man. She's an a--hole. And if you keep idealizing her, or letting her have power over your thoughts, then YOU are an a--hole!!!!! It's about your self esteem, not women. If you fix your self esteem, a woman like that couldn't get near you. And she wouldn't sight you as a target either. Just giving you some tough love, bro......