Lost one soulmate... now what?

[TrooperMojo]

Hi everyone... I'm new to this whole thing so hopefully this is worthwhile. I noticed a lot of other posts on here dealing with the same kinds of problems I'm having. Any advice, or any friendly person to talk to would be appreciated.

 

Basically, as my subject line suggests, I had a girlfriend who was definitely an EXACT match for me. When I met her, she was engaged to another guy but we had all the same interests, would think the same things at the same time, even had similar life goals so I had to try my best to get her despite her situation. It took a lot of persistance, but eventually, she left her fiance and went out with me. I thought I had found the "one" but for whatever reason it didn't work. It doesn't make sense to me so I'm not sure I can comment on it, but what wound up happening is after only a few months of going out, it got out that she was visiting with this guy behind my back and soon after I found out, she left me to go back out with her ex-fiance. She gave various reasons but none of them make sense. I'm not sure if that's just because I'm unwilling to make sense of them or that she's afraid to say something that could upset me more.

 

This happened about a month ago and I've gone through a lot of emotions including anger and frustration and I think I may have pushed her farther away in an attempt to get her back. She said it was hopeless for me to try to begin with but now she's more convinced that ever that I was a mistake.

 

My problem is that I want to move on but part of me still wants to cling to the hope that she'll come back to me. She's broken up with this same guy 3 times before that I know of, if she does it again, she might decide to come back to me. But my friends all think I'm being an idiot and that I should be glad she's gone because she hurt me so bad. I'm just really conflicted about everything. Should I move on? Keep trying? Just try to be her friend? Give up hope? What?

 

Thanks everyone!

[cookies]

Sadly, i think that you should move on. She was engaged to this guy b4, and her love seems to be stronger for him than it was for you, and she went back. Dont be a victim of FALSE hope when there isnt anything there to linger on to. MOve on with your life, just as she is trying to. If she told you that she is more convinced NOW than ever that you were a mistake, that isREAL deep...and you should try to look further into the reasons as to why she said this...and get a clue in the matter.

 

Dont make urself look foolish, when its obvious to your friends that she is not interested. We simply cant force sumone to love us when they clearly dont. Shes trying to move on, and not its time for you to allow her to move on, by doing the same...

 

cookies

[TrooperMojo]

That's all well and good and like I said, part of me is already trying to move on BUT

a) it's extremely hard - do you have any advice on how to do it?

 

b) she's exactly what I want in a girl - shouldn't I keep trying if she's exactly what I'm looking for? When does it stop being romantic and start making me look foolish?

[kddmsu]

First off I entirely agree with cookies, this girl is showing no indication that she does want to be with you now or later.

 

To answer your questions:

 

The way to get over her is to concentrate on yourself and do things that make you feel better about yourself. Keep busy, get a gym membership, hang out with friends, do anything that will keep you from thinking about your ex. Try to improve you self image and confidence and try daing other people.

 

You say that she is exactly what you want in a girl, well I don't know why you would want someone who would drop you the second they have a chance to get back together with thier ex, and not even consider how you might feel. Seems kind of selfish to me! Absolutley do not continue to try and get her back, she is in love with someone else and no matter what you do or say her feelings aren't going to change. You can't force someone to love you, and honestly you were probably the rebound. I am not trying to be harsh but I think this girl is toying withyou and you don't deserve to take her crap. I know that she seems like the perfect girl to you but think about what she is giving you....Nothing. Just move one and find someone that is willing to give you the attention that you deserve.

 

And for your last question: It stopped being romantic the second that she left you for her ex and she has straight up told you that is who she wants to be with. Unfortunatley right now you are broken hearted and have the false hope feeling, but you would be foolish to continue to pursue her any further.

 

In no way am I trying to be mean, but I really want you to see the reality of the situation. She is not with you for a reason, she doesn't want to be. Just move on, ok hun

[TrooperMojo]

First of all, I do want to thank you two for the advice. I appreciate hearing objective opinions. I get advice from friends but they are relatively biassed in that they won't tell me anything I don't want to hear. Hopefully anyone I meet here will keep being honest.

 

Anyway, I have heard all of these things before: move on, find someone else, she wasn't right for you, etc. but it's all so much easier said than done. This girl had all the same interests that I had. I have always wanted a girlfriend to also be my best friend and with her I had that. I will never find anyone who has so much in common with me and it scares me to death to think that I could wind up alone or settling for someone. I know I'm young and will probably meet a lot of people, but unless these new people can offer me the same commonalities, I'll always miss Kim.

 

By the way... is there anyone out there who loves the Simpsons, plays pool, watches science fiction, is interested in psychology and is an atheist? If so, send me an ICQ or an email! Before I met Kim, I never thought I'd meet anyone with all those things in common with me.. everyone told me my standards are too high but there she was. Now it's gone and I want it back more than anything. Y'know that song by the band A Simple Plan called "Addicted". Yeah, that's me!

 

I guess it's like you say though, you can't make someone love you. I realize that and I also realize that if she wanted to be with me, she'd try too so obviously she doesn't want to. I just want to hang on to the hope that someday, even if it's 10 years from now, they'll break up for the 4th time and she'll remember me and give me a call. Is that a dangerous hope to hang on to? I mean, I'm not talking about not doing anything for those 10 years and just waiting by the phone. I mean, if I met someone else (by some miracle) and was happy, I wouldn't just throw it all away for a second chance with Kim. I'm just wondering if hanging on to ANY shred of hope is dangerous?

 

I guess I'm trying to get away with the minimal amount of effort here. ha!

 

Thanks again

[Tat2DGurly]

This is my story of lost love. I met a guy about three years ago through a friend of mine. Immediatley we hit it off and in less then a week he was telling me he was in love with me. I knew at that moment that I truly loved him to and I felt as though I had my soul mate at the tip of my fingers. To make a long story short he was in the military and was being shipped of to another country. I told him I couldn't wait for him and I let him go. Three years later I'm still kicking myself in the A$$ for letting him go and I am now married to someone else. I begged this guy to take me back but I knew he wouldn't. I guess my advice to you is if you really feel this intense about her and you know you love her exhaust all of your options until you have nothing left. DON'T GIVE UP. You will no when you have had enough and you will move on or someone totally unexpected will walk into you life and it just won't matter anymore. This is what happened to me. I still wonder what would have happened if I would have waited but I know I love my husband and even if that person showed up at my door right now professing their love to me I would stay with my husband. Good luck with you!!! Keep smiling

[TrooperMojo]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their various pieces of advice. This certainly is a hard time and it's good to hear people's points of view. I know ultimately I will make up my own mind but it's still good to run something up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes it. So to speak.

 

I probably won't ever "give up" in the sense that I'll always love her and think of her as perfect for me. I realize that in that list of interests I rhymed off, I missed a pretty major one: be interested in me! Hahaha! Without that one, the rest of them are meaningless and all in all they're just icing on the cake. I will "give up" however in attempting to win her back. I'm not going to force myself on her and certainly not going to risk pushing her as far away as I have already. I'm going to keep living my life and rediscover my love of being single and take what life gives me. I'll probably meet someone else at some point who'll make me feel like that again. If Kim ever changes her mind and her thoughts drift back to me, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

Mmmmm... metaphors...

 

Thanks everyone!

Keep that advice coming.. and feel free to ICQ me anytime!

[OPP]

My advice to you is that if you love someone that much then you have to say to yourself " What would I do for love?" I wish sometimes that I had thought of that before but now I am not just sitting around waiting for the soulmate of my life to come around. I am fighting for what I want. Sometimes you just have to do things that make you feel happy. Fight for what you want. Go after what you want.

[EternalGrace]

I believe that there is someone out there for everyone. There's a possibility that you thought this woman to be your soulmate, when really she is not. If fate holds true, depending upon your view of what a soulmate is, then sooner or later this woman will be back in your life...if indeed she was the "one." I can understand why you would cling onto the hope that you will get back together sometime, but I think you should move on and date other people. If you're truly meant to be together, the relationship with her fiance will fade, and after dating other woman, you will realize if she was the one or not. It's rough, but just give it some time. Let fate take over, and then see what happens.

[speedracer780]

OPP pm me your email. I've been trying to reply to you but my pm's aren't sending...

[Tat2DGurly]

I had to reply to your last statement. In my psychology class I learned that most couples last longer if they have not so much similar interests but the same goals in life. So even if you meet someone who does not have the same interests they may just have the same goals and ultimately that is more important. Look at it this way if you have different interests you are going to be trying new things together and growing to love different things together. But if her goal is to be a massage therapist on a cruise ship and your goal is to be in psychololgy and help kids your in two different worlds. So I suggest paying more attention to long term goals then what you immediatley have in common with someone. Good luck ~Tat

[TrooperMojo]

Hey everyone, I've been cruising around these different forums and message boards and am absolutely overwhelmed at the amount of people going through the same thing as me. Just the fact that I've seen a dozen people (at least) posting about trying to get their ex back or coping with break ups makes me realize it's such a common thing that everyone goes through and I shouldn't be too worried.

 

Right now I think I'm actually starting to cope and get over it all. I still feel bad and that I screwed up royally but I'm also starting to realize that there's no way I can make her come back to me and that she's only going to come back to me if she wants it. Even when I was courting her and got her to break up with her fiance, it wasn't really ME making her do it, it was always her own decision. There's really nothing I can do. So right now I'm doing fun things and enjoying myself. I'll always hope that she'll come back to me.. or that I'll meet someone else.. and I'll get a second chance at love. I know what I did to screw it up with Kim so I'll know better for next time. So I'm still going to cling to the hope that someday she'll come back to me... but I won't ever act on that hope and let it affect me. It'll probably go away the second I meet someone new.

 

Hopefully sharing all this will help someone else out there. Just writing about it is theraputic and hearing others thoughts is great! Keep 'em coming!