Upset - but not sure why..exactly

[miscom]

Ok - same issue over and over I am sure.

 

My live-in b/f and I are very happy in all areas of the relationship other than:

Sex (well, I am not happy)

Again, I would like for him to be more INTO it than he is, maybe play a more active role.

Yesterday, for some reason I asked him if he watched porn, he said that he did only for a few minutes and that he did not "take care of himself" (not in so many words).

Yet, it is few and far b/n that we do have sex (maybe twice a week).

Story - he has gained a few lbs. over time and our sex life dwindled. Then he went on some diet, lost about 10 lbs. and he became more sexually interested. Now, it seems as though he gained it back and then some (not much more) and he explained to me that something "in his head" is making it so that he does not feel as sexual. Ok fine, I can understand that. BUT - if you are not feeling sexual with me - why are you feeling sexual enough to watch porn?

My question - what is up with that? I know my ego has taken a plunge b/c of this issue. We have discussed it time and time again and he knows that I would like him to be more active, er rather, play a more active role than just lying back and enjoying all that is being done to him!

Someone please shed light on this for me as I am second guessing what is otherwise a great relationship. We are a great team, have hobbies togteher, talk, have great communication and even have the brutal honesty. I think. That is where I am having the issue - he says he does not take care of himself when he watches porn .. then why watch it? But yet, is not interested in sex....I am just tired of feeling this way. I asked him if there is something I do or don't do - something that would bring out the "animal" in him...he said I was great and that he would not change a thing. I know there is a lot going on in this post, but please....someone help me make sense of it all....

[aries]

WOW ...sounds exactly like my situation. Except she wasnt into it. Becasue i voiced my opinion.....we are no longer together. On a supposed break....who knows what will happen in the future. What I have to say is this.....have you ever tried to seduce him. Do you make fun of him for gaining a little extra padding? In a friendly manner try and have him join in on activities that will allow him to beter himsefl...there by increasing his self esteem. Try seducing him. Now that My ex and I are no longer together......I thinkback and see how I could have handled the situation differently in order to get her into it. Maybe try playing out one of his fantasies.

 

Tell you what.....PM me and we can chat all you want. hope to har from you.

 

"love is heavenly....but hurts like hell."

[miscom]

I used to seduce/initiate all the time. But then grew tired of always intitiating - feeling like I wanted him to be th eone to start making hte moves. Since then, I feel like I am his personal sex "thing" always there and waiting. By the time he finally does want to be together, I can't say no - it has beent oo long. The times that he says, "We having sex tonight?" I always feel like saying - "Are you kidding me? That is supposed to get me in the mood? Am I your personal slave - waiting for you???" Then I tell myself - Nope - not tonight - hold out!!! But I don't, like an idiot - If I were to, I would feel like I was playing games or something. It is the same thing when we are together - he kisses me - puts my hand on "him", then I am supposed to "g'down", then I jump on top....that is it- time after time. I have talked to him about this several times - I told him that I wanted to feel desired, wanted, touched... he says that he knows and realizes it.

I have never (NEVER) made fun of him - in fact, I still tell him how sexy I think he is - how badly I want him and how attracted to him I am.

 

I have asked him of his fantasies - he says he really doesn't have any - code for - nothing you would be game for.....

 

o - wait - your g/f preferred to masturbate and you voiced your opinion about that?

[WildChild]

I would have to say that his lack of interest may be about his weight gain and not about you. If you noticed that it increased after he lost weight, it may be because he felt more confident in his appearance and more sexually attractive. Men, believe it or not, do also have complexes with their appearance just like us women.

 

His looking at porn may be his way of trying to get his libido up for two reasons 1) because he wants to keep you satisfied because he may not feel like he is performing his "best" since his weight gain and 2) maybe he feels that his lack of interest has to do with a fear of something physically wrong with him.

 

Just a thought

[aries]

his lowered drive may also be physiological. it is proven that as men gain weight..there testosterone decreases. At one point I had gained alot of weight which i have since lost.....and it killed my drive. Eating habits can also have something to do with it.

[miscom]

I understand that - really I do (weight gain - decreased energy = no sex drive)....but I was just confused on the whole porn thing - has enough energy for that but not me - I guess it makes sense - if you are emotionally stable. But when you crush a girls ego - no telling how emotionally stable you will be and for how long.

Come to think of it - I believe he was more ACTIVE when he was just 10lbs lighter. like - Played a more active role, at least he was trying. Gotta hand it to him for trying. I just wish he would understand where I am coming from when I tell him that I want to be "taken" and touched and you know - romanced - or even on some days - gone a little crazy on!

[Shadows Light]

Wow.. .some of this sounds like me. I tried it all. I mean everything... lingerie, games, fantasy, seduction, talking, being patient... Reading books like 1001 ways to drive a man wild in bed... getting step by step directions... thought maybe I had something wrong with me.

 

YEP.. felt like crap about it. Undesirable. Unwanted. Unloved. Thought that this was it.

 

He told me .. this was it. It was normal... all couples in their mid 30's slow down... due to stress, kids, jobs, careers... "no body has sex that often in their 30's.. its a myth..." and "anyone who tells you different is lying through their teeth"... ok.. so I"M CRAZY.

 

And the porn... yep... lots of porn. He didn't have a problem with that. In fact.. I caught him watching porn before coming to me... and ya know... when this becomes a habit.. you do think.. you must be the ugliest.. most digusting piece of refuse that someone has to get jacked up before hitting on you. lovely.

 

YEP.. our line was.."take a shower???" or anouncing.. "I'm going to take a shower"... and I'd think... ohhhhh Yiiippeee... and much like you.. I'd want to HOLD out then and make him SQUIRM... but.. as he pointed out.. "HEY.. it only hurts you." I felt like a slave to sex. Having a treat dangled infront of me... and rewarded for good behavior...

 

Weight gain??? yeah...there was. But he didn't care..and wouldn't do anything about it. "For what? I'm married.. he he he..." he'd say...okkkkkkkk Whatever.. floats your boat. No.. I never made fun of him.. or said anything. The weight thing.. I said we could both go out to the gym together. The weight thing... came up when he'd gone up yet another pant size...and I had to go buy him a new wardrobe.. (yes.. I had to) my job. gotta luv it.

 

But ya know.. the minute I'm in the gym... or I'm sprucing up...and AHA!!!! I have to be cheating. OKKKKKKKK.....

 

I don't know what to tell you...except.. I think the porn desensitzes them. I think they become mentally desensitzed to sex and they need the porn to jack them up...

 

You need to feel good about yourself. You need to know that its NOT YOU. And you can only do so much. Try talking to him.... and if all else fails... ask him to go to counseling... and/or... start thinking about... all the scenario's and choices you can make. IF THIS is an important aspect of a relationship for YOU. Then... why should you settle????? just because he's great in other departments. Thats something you have to decide for yourself. How important it is to YOU.. sit down..and list your options...or things you can do. And then follow through. If and when you've gone down the list..and it still doesn't work..and you still arn't happy...

 

Then girlfriend... you need to come to terms with yourself. It is what it is.

[Shadows Light]

PM me anytime if you need to talk.....

[miscom]

Thank you. I appreciate what you have/are going through. Sometimes, I think I have made too big of a deal out of sex. I am not sure if it is the intimacy or the insecurities that I have which is making it important anymore. I am beginning to think that it is the latter, actually.

I was trying to investigate why the porn aspect bothered me so much. I think it was b/c of the bodies and faces and what they were doing in the porn that is messing me up in the head. At 33, I am still attractive, but I notice things changing, normal things that come with age, I guess.

I am in good shape, have all my teeth , long blond hair.....the whole thing. But images of these YOUNGER women ... puts my insecurities in high speed!!

My thing is - I look at it and watch it, when I need a fix. So, why should I have a problem when he looks at it......again - my insecurities

[Shadows Light]

Miscom... soooo now you are going to take all the blame on YOU? You are insecure... and something is wrong with you???

 

OK.. there's enough blame to go around in most relationship situations. The fact that you are 33...and feeling your age not withstanding. Its normal. BUT.. at 33 you arn't competeing any more. Do you feel you need to????

 

You are telling him point blank. Look... I don't feel the luv.. I need more intimacy. Period. Can we do something about this? Period.

 

And he makes excuses...he doesn't feel sexual as much anymore now that he's in his 30's.

 

You on the other hand are saying... hmmm wait a minute.. if you arn't feeling sexual... why are you viewing all the porn. THAT is pretty darn well sexual.

 

Ask yourself... WHAT IS THE PAY OFF for him. He's not looking at the porn as he would... ummm a football game or field and stream magazine. The PORN viewing PAY OFF is some sort of SEXUAL gratification. I mean come on... you seen one you've seen them all. Whats the difference. Whats he get out of it???

 

I can understand your frustration. But don't take all the blame and say.. welllllll I've turned this into a SEX thing...and we get along in all other area's... and gosh I feel like a heel because... it just might not be important. If I tell anyone about it... I don't want to sound desperate and CRASS.

 

What would be enough for you? And if its intimacy you are looking for... cuddling.. hugging... touching... is that too much to ask for? Are you missing him looking at you ...and treating you like when it was NEW????

 

Thats a normal phenom that most married couples get into. The ruts. The valleys of a relationship. And my opinion for what its worth is.... you didn't get married to pay bills, clean house, or work. These things are necessary evils... have too's. You just do them. But they are ALL worth while and worthy every second of drudge... if you feel LOVED.

 

And what you are looking for is a little bit more loving..and you arn't getting it. COMMUNICATION... is a 2 way street. "Honey, I have a problem....." and then he listens... and he responds with a way to work the problem out. You both find a solution to your problem.

 

IE... maybe.. setting up DATES again. Maybe you go away for a weekend and spend a night at a hotel. Away from the everyday, the bills, and the phone... somewhere neutral. MAYBE... you start sending each other love letters... or make a game out of.. surprising each other with little things here and there. Those little initimacies...build for good vibes..and maybe greater intimiacies in bed.

 

Darlin... don't sweep it under the rug. There's only sooo much room under that rug..and one of these days..there will be sooo much clutter under the rug, it will get pretty darned lumpy looking..and have no more room for STUFF to hide.

 

You need to talk about it. And deal with it. If one person in a relationship is NOT feeling good about the relationship... Both people have a problem. And problems are best dealt with... nipped in the bud before they grow tentacles.

 

Don't cut yourself short. OR Take full BLAME for it. There's enough blame to go around. You take full blame for this now.. and I'm telling you.. you will wind up soooo GUILT ridden later down the road.. your sense of self and self-esteem will be zip. You might as well be that chickie babe with 2 teeth in her head and dead airspace between your ears... you'll feel it.

 

Buck up girlfriend. There is more than one way to skin a cat. Let 'er rip.