Atypical scenario: psychological issues - where do I fit in?

[arcane5]

Hello, I've read many of the other threads here and haven't found a situation quite like mine...

 

The relevant points:

 

-My "ex" was raped three years ago, a burden which she carried alone for some time afterward.

 

-She had never been in love before meeting me, despite having been through many (short-lived) relationships.

 

-With caring and patience I was able to get her to open up; we fell in love and we had a (literally) problem-free relationship.

 

-We reached a peak in emotional intimacy and 3 days later she had what amounted to a panic attack, expressing fear and confusion over having such strong feelings for me. She withdrew completely from me.

 

-I stuck with her from a distance (for about a month) while she tried to sort things out and eventually she ended up breaking up with me a couple of weeks ago... however she was the one that shed tears upon doing so.

 

-She's torn inside because she literally believes that if she doesn't marry me, she won't marry anyone - she doesn't think she'll be able to open up to anyone else.

 

-I know she still loves me - we still hang out, get along unbelievably well and basically spend all our time together flirting, though we're not physically involved anymore. But she can't get past the panic associated with a committed relationship.

 

-There are people (including me) encouraging her to go see a professional to deal with unresolved issues. She's scared about reliving her nightmare and also has a lot of stubborn pride.

 

-I know we could be happy together, and I could see myself marrying her.

 

 

My dilemma

 

-She broke up with me... I'm supposed to move on, I know it's not my responsibility to hold her hand. But I want to be there for her - as long as I don't feel like she's taking advantage of my good nature, I want to stay close to her.

 

-The question is do I stick with her while she works through her anxiety and hope for the storybook ending, or do I pick up the pieces and move on wondering what could have been? Keep in mind that if we get through this, I have no doubt that this will all have been worth it.

 

We don't have the typical tension between ex's... we've never fought, and now that she's rid of the panic we're able to enjoy carefree time together.

 

What would you do?

[kskm]

I went through kind of the same situation, except reversed. I was raped about a year and a half ago, and the next relationship that I got into he took his time opening me up, was a completely gentleman, gorgeous, intelligent- guy I could have spent the rest of my life with.

 

And then one day I realized how serious our relationship got and I freaked out. I all of the sudden needed "my space". He was understanding, and completely there for me, from afar.

 

I started to go through therapy and he was there in the beginning and then he started to drift off. Making my process even harder... I didn't want him to go away, and I didn't want to be apart from him, but I for some reason had to- I know it makes no sense. I was tore apart even more when he started to drift. We still talk to this day, and everything could be the same.... but we are now both involved with other people.

 

I guess my point in all of that was to say, if you truly want to be with her stick around, through the therapy and all of the aftermath. It might be hard but if you want her it'll all be worth it in the end. Rape does such a number on someone's mentality.. Good Luck.

[arcane5]

Wow - thanks for the insight. The things you said are so familiar to me in my current situation... My "ex" (hate calling her that, but I guess it's true) has the same confusion about pushing me away even though she doesn't want to. We talked the other day in depth about "us", and she said that she knows we could have a wonderful relationship, but that it seems like it will take so much to work through her current issues, and that it will take so much for me to be patient through it all. Ultimately she's just not sure if everything that needs to happen will materialize... Leaving me to assess my level of commitment to the situation. Right now I'm committed, but I'm trying to take it one day at a time. If another romantic situation presents itself that I'm legitimately interested in, I'm not going to force myself away from it. I know I have to act for myself first, but I care so much about her that I want to be there to help her through her pain.

[bridget74]

I would say you are on the right track. You seem to have a good balance, knowing that you want to be there for this person, but also not doing that at the expense of your own needs. I think if you continue to be honest with yourself and with her, things will work themselves out to be the best, no matter what the ultimate details of those results are.

[Royltnxile]

I can relate to your situation...maybe not the rape in her past...but the fact that my ex has loads of issues with herself that prevent her from "opening up" in the traditional context of a relationship. She is "jaded" I think, and has been in and out of relationships all her life. When people's hearts get burned too many times they put up walls around them.

 

Among her issues:

 

Low self esteem and body self image

Insecurity

Fear of intimacy

anxiety and mild depression

 

We had a great relationship for 4 months, getting better and better, comfortable, natural, easy...I think she had never really had anyone like me in her life who wasn't controlling, demanding, jealous, and critical. I don't think she could handle it so she panicked, impulsively cheated (not 100% sure), and pushed me away.....all of this happened right before and on Valentines Day too. Needless to say I was devestated.

 

People with these kinds of issues are not good relationship material. I often wonder what kind of trauma or abuse, or childhood issues make her the way she is. On the outside she is charming, sweet, and wonderful...behind her smile in her head there are so many things that aren't right. I feel sad for her, because she will never have a fulfilling relationship until she gets some counselling and comes to terms with her own fears and inscecurities. In short, she doesn't like herself very much and I wish I knew why.

 

Be careful not to become her therapist, all you can do is let her know that you are there for her and don't push her. She needs to work through her issues herself.

[cannonball]

My girlfriend was raped a few years ago, and we started dating about 8 months ago. She told me a month after we started dating. She has just started to be open with her parents and reported the situation to her parents. She called me today and told me that she is overwelmed with the situation. What information can I provide her with and what do I need to know to stay supportive and help her put the past behind her and live without the situation overwelming her? I found your site on google and thought it was a good place to ask a few of you this question.

[macgyver4ever]

My ex has issues as well. I think most people do. My ex did not grow up with a father for several years, so has abandonment issues, she was molested by a doctor, and her parents tried to arrange marry her.

 

She cheated on me 2 times, and I forgive her for it because i can see why. Problem is I don't know if I will ever get her back and how. She needs therapy as well, and I got her there for relationship therapy, but she did not continue like was suggested. If she did, it would have probably only made her current relationship better. Not ours.

 

I would try to stick it out and help your "ex." I can tell you love her, and stay by her side as a long as you can handle it. I cannot imagine what she is going through, and showing you strength to stand by her will prove that there are good guys out there. If you abandon her, you can understand if she loses faith in men.

 

Stay strong.