At the fork in the road?? Divorce or Stick it out???

[shellip]

I have been married 15 years, to my HS sweetheart. We have one daughter 9. I am new at asking for advice but feeling lost. My marriage was great for the first 10 years. Ups and downs but way more good times than bad. My husband may a very bad decision and fooled around with a co-worker. From that moment on I have had issues with trusting him. I feel that our realtionship deteriated from that moment on. I have been thrown into the "rule maker" role of explaining what is acceptable and what is not. I should not have to tell him how to act around women. He should know. Its not only the women its the internet porno sites. He is addicted, I have tracked 7 days a week atleast 1 hrs min, most times he gets up early (3:30am) and spends atleast 45min to an hours on the websites, then he comes home for lunch and spends most of his lunch time on them. I find that he downloads videos etc. When I asked about the internet stuff , he just says that he is a visual person.

I can assure you I love him, however I am not in love with him anymore. I have lost the spark that made me feel so much for this man. I am at the point of asking for a divorce and going out separate ways. To anyone out there, yes I have gone to a marriage counselor, couples therapist, communications seminars etc. He refused to go to any of these, he says its my problem not his. Any help would be appreciated.

[precious_babae]

Although I am not married, in fact, far from it, my mom went through the exact thing. Not even two months ago she was having a problem with my father and porno websites. She was extremely devastated and also had the lacking trust within her. At first, she tried to talk to my father about it but he had the same rotten attitude as your husband does. After he tried to put everything back on her rather then taking his own punishments and guilts, she asked him to leave until he could make up his mind about choosing between her and her kids (us) or his "habits". He left for two days, and came back over with roses and dinner for my mom. Ever since then, my dad has given up all his free time to spend time watching movies with her and spend time with her. Of course they have their moments with arguments, but they are definitely happier now than I have saw them in years. I think you should give him a choice and tell him that it isn't YOUR problem it OBVIOUSLY is his because it isn't you on the internet and it isn't you with another man. Do NOT take the blame for this. You have done nothing wrong, men in this world are just followers and most want to be like all the other guys. And it's not something they should be proud of. I suggest you give him a choice, you and your daughter or him and his habits. Explain how his habits make you feel inside and suggest he leave for a night or two and think about it. If he loves you and your daughter, he will choose you guys over such petty sh** that he's putting you guys through. PLEASE don't take this upon your own shoulders, push it back on the deserving. And by the way, you can't expect the spark to always be there when you are too worried about everything else. The spark doesn't exist if your mind isn't set on it. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can be strong enough to take action and make it result positively for yourself, your daughter, and your family as a unity. I know it must be hard! Good luck!

[sidehop]

Another thing about porno in a relationship is that it can have negative effect (unless of course both couples approve it) when one will fantasize about something he/she cannot get. It sounds like your husband is feeding his addiction each day for whatever thought he has but is obviously costing a lot in the marriage. I know this is a bit personal but I'm assuming your sex life isn't so great with him because of this? The fact that he did cheat on you in the past and need to look at other women on the internet just shows how much he's fantasizing things he shouldn't...

[Tigris]

It sounds as though he doesn't care what you do anymore. I'm sorry but my advice is for you to get a divorce.

 

I divorced my first husband at 5 years because we had gone our separate ways at 2.5 years. He wasn't taking any notice of me anymore and I was being used as a housekeeper only.

 

I hope everything works out ok.

 

Take care.

[snowgirl]

He says this is YOUR problem? If he sees it that way, if he truly does, then I am not sure you can do anything to save your marriage.

 

You obviously have not worked out the trust issue with him. He violated your trust by cheating on you, and is not accepting responsibility for it. This is most certainly HIS problem. As for the porn, is this something new? I mean, your checking his internet history for porn sites. Is porn something you have ever talked about before? Have you made it clear to him if it's something that hurts you?

 

If he won't go to counseling with you, I am not optimistic about your marriage. He needs to accept responsibility for the breach of trust. It takes two to keep a marriage alive. If he refuses to acknowledge this, then it sounds as if it does not matter enough to him. It's time to get tough. I am pulling for you and hope it turns out the way you want it to. And that's another thing: How about sitting down with yourself and having a really good think about what that is--what YOU want? Would you be better off with him or without him? Your daughter is a huge factor, yes, but staying together with a man you don't trust will do her much more damage than a divorce.

 

I do hope you keep us posted.

[jevonj77]

Hi there aparently this is a very agrivating situation...

 

I can say that from a Christian standpoint you have two options...both of which you already know...this is to divorce him, since he has committed adultury...or to love him anyways and to persist until he has decided to change his ways...this will of course be painful...but it depends on how deep your love is for him...the marriage vows are very sacred and yes he has stepped on many of them, but should this change them for you...

 

However, know that morrally you are free to leave as you already know, but I would suggest you telling him what you are feeling and that you are thinking of getting a divorce from him...and be very specific about it all...love is deep and loving can be painful...

[Jetta]

I was going to suggest counseling but with him saying it's your problem and not his, right there is your answer. Divorce is really your answer. It's not an easy one either but it takes two to make a marriage work and he's not willing so you can either stay unhappy or leave.

 

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear. Honestly I know I had to divorce and I still hate that I had to do it. I wish I could have made things work and live happily (or mostly happily ever after).

[shellip]

I took a lot of your advice and made a decision to give him a final chance. I explained in a calm manner that HE had the problems. Not only the porno but the way he behaved with other women. He needs to make a choice, me or his fantasy life. I left out daughter out of the mix, I would never use her against him or as a bargining chip. She is both of ours and we will raise her together however our situtation is.

 

A past poster hit a note for me, yes our sex life has suffered because of his porno and his peverted ways. I say this because I feel he has bee de-sensitized by the internet. I look at sex as an intimate special bond, not one to throw out there like another household chore.

 

Well the update is that he admitted it is HIS problem and that he will do anything to keep us together. We are scheduled for counseling this coming week. He has not been on the computer at all over the past few days. He is paying more attention to me. I am hopeful but not stupid, it takes longer than a few days to break a habit.

 

I will keep you posted.

[Dont Look Away]

You say that you love him but are not in love with him......the rest of this post may be irrelevant but here goes.....

 

It's great that you two are able to work toward counseling and are at least not to the point of no return. If you both can go in with an open mind and heart you can recover.......rooting for you here!!!

 

It appears that the issues around him being desensitized by porn (so to speak) are bothering you. A way you can test to see if he is breaking the habit is for you to alter the way you are with him and see if he responds.

 

Break the routine of waiting until crawling into bed late at night and expecting a session from a romance novel. Experiment with wispering in his ear of little sensual comments that you want to do to him during the day. Send him a teasing email or leave him a sexy voice message. To break the desire for him to want to watch porn, set up some candles in the bedroom, undress for him, undress him, give him a massage, tease him, tease him and tease him some more!!

 

My STBX would do this once or twice a year and it would drive me totally crazy.............couldn't wait to get home to her

 

Also on occasion offer to watch a video with him. Tell him you don't want to make a habit of it but on occasion would be fine...(if you are okay with that)

 

The way he acts with other women and his past actions are not right but since you seem to be willing to work through that and maybe spice things up at home it may turn for the positive.

 

If after you do all of this and he still prefers to gawk at the porn (alone)and spend all of his time on the computer..........a change for you may be what is needed...

[vinuab]

Everyones advice is so informative and true. I'm just concerned that if he's done this twice what's going to make him not do it three times? What will be different? Sometimes pushing someone to change or else is not the best decision. I'm skeptical because I was just recently asked for a divorce afte he had left me once before for the same reason, to "live his life to the fullest".