Confessions of a life of pain, suffering, and redemption

[Borashi]

I found this rant that I wrote 3 years ago, I can't believe I introspective I was into my own life at the time... feel free to discover the ramblings of an emotional maniac.

 

The darkness that has troubled my soul in the past will no longer trouble my soul anymore. The anger that has risen up in myself has led me a stray from the path of life. No more will I be afraid to express my feelings for anyone. I will trust everyone and accept everyone for whom they are or appear to be. Pyschotic forces constanstly force themselves upon me in an evil matter where at times I feel that I have no control over my mind or body.

 

In began when my parents divorced. I was a young innocent child living in Blaine, Minnesota. I was a popular child who did well in school and excelled in academics and sports. I felt like I was going to live my whole life there. Blaine held my future. Then one day my future was shattered in an instant. It all started with a trip to gasoline alley to meet with cousins. We went to gasoline alley and played videogames, raced go carts, and had a ball. Before I even knew it we were parting ways. I sensed an urgency or sense of sadness in my Aunt Debbie's face. Never did I realize it would change my life forever. When my mom burst out in the car that she was divorcing my dad was in disbelief, I instantly started to cry. It was like a bad dream that I couldn't escape from. I felt trapped within myself searching for answers of how this could be happening to me and why did my mother literally have to rip me away from my dad and my life that I loved as a child in Blaine. This was a life I envisioned with success, glory, honor, and friendship, I was being torn away from my friends, my athletic activities, my artistic expressions. How could my own mother cold and cruel to me? Why couldn't my parents work it out so I could get back to living my life in Minnesota with my friends? I was confused when I got settled in Arkansas never realizing that I would never get my life back that I once had. I didn't have a clue on why my mom left my dad and living in Arkansas wasn't all that exciting. I couldn't understand why my mother never gave me an option on choosing who I could live with? After all I'd lived in Minnesota all my life why would I want to live anywhere else? Was my mother being selfish or just overprotective? Adjusting to the Arkansas life was difficult since I previously lived up north and had no southern accent, but I slowly adjusted and made friends. Do I resent my mom for moving me down to Arkansas? Yes I do because she tore me away from my friends and family she broke my trust, she hurt me so bad, it made me feel like she didn't consider my feelings. I look back constantly at how "perfect" my life could have been if my parents would have never got divorced. I look back at what my life could have been or would have been like. I wish that my mom would have apologized for taking me out of my "protected environment" obviously this tells me that she doesn't accept the fact that the divorce was mutual. I think she still hasn't come to grips with the divorce as it was a bitter one and this might be because her mother/my grandma also got divorced once and remarried? I believe my mothers ignorance and failure to accept the fact that she hurt me when she moved me to Arkansas has led her to live in her own "world" or state of mind if you will that allows her to think that everything she did was "perfect" and "purposeful" and that she caused no pain to any of her family, which is false. My parents divorce has caused me to have trust issues with anyone I meet, which makes me sad, that I can't be more "open minded" when meeting new people. I feel being more open minded would help me meet more friends and quite possibly a g/f. I believe I analyze the "negative" of people b4 even thinking about the positive and what they could possibly offer me from the experiences they've lived. Living with this anger these past years has caused me to become critical of people, where I always see to perceive exactly the opposite of what there sayin and I usually will see how negative they are or if I feel they don't respect me, then I'll hate them. The anger that has consumed my mind, body, and soul the past few years has made me feel like a walking zombie at times where I don't pay attention to really anyone else and I don't enjoy the beauty of life itself. When u look into the abyss if you look into it too long you might become it and I believe that is what has occurred in my situation. I've become a prisoner of my own mind, which is just as bad as being in prison itself because it forces me to overanalyze situations rather than see the positive in every situation or the adversity or benefit I would receive from it.

[DN]

Do you still feel the same way?

[Borashi]

I'd say Yes in a lot of ways like with trusting people, it's very difficult just because it just seems so many people are only looking out for themselves, its a predatory world, most figure its either you or me, so I can understand how a lot of people think but why does it have to be so back stabbing and political. Like in your career...

[DN]

I'd say Yes in a lot of ways like with trusting people, it's very difficult just because it just seems so many people are only looking out for themselves, its a predatory world, most figure its either you or me, so I can understand how a lot of people think but why does it have to be so back stabbing and political. Like in your career...

 

Perhaps there are a lot of people looking out only for themselves. But not as many as you would think. For instance, look at how many people spend time on here helping people simply because of altruism.