**UPDATE**Friend not adjusting well, wants to go back to ex

[sideline-friend]

Hi again, I know some of you have been followng my posts and fortunately it's been several months since I've posted. Long story short, to catch you all up...my friend (female) ended up having affair on her husand with his best friend. They are currently still together ( her and hubby's friend)...However, today she (my friend) learned that her ex husband has been dating a woman he works with for about 3 months....the ex husbnd has now gone on to say how much he loves and misses her...and how he thought dating someone else would just affliate the pain, but hasn't. It has now thrown everything into a whirlwind, because she now wants to go back. Sadly though, none of the problems that resulted in the divorce are/have been addressed.. all they know is that they miss each other and still love each other....and I guess that's good, but I'm to the point where I think they are so dependent on each other they disguise it as love. They both claim to be better friends...and the ex-hubby even says he can't give her what she needs, yet he continues to tell her how much he loves her and misses her and how painful it is....and all the while, she keeps saying she can't move on with her life because of this...because it gives her hope they will reunite. Ever since the divorce they talk every day like friends...like nothing ever happened, and I keep telling her you need time away to mourn, or to find yourself or time to heal but she keeps saying, I want him in my life and that there is no way she is going to stop talking to the ex-hubby, she even tells her boyfriend that...and I find all so confusing. I know there's no right way to get thru something like this, but it kills me, that she continues to let her ex-hubby dictate her life like this....at the point of putting her own life on hold and won't move on until he lets her or tells her too (which she openly admits). she has told me she feels a tremendous amount of guilt for cheating and leaving and feels this is her punishment for her actions. I'm at my wits end......is there anyone out there that can please share some thoughts?? thank you.

 

if it helps they were married for 5 years.....have been separated for a year and legally divorced for 6 months.

[DN]

I read your previous posts on this and frankly I think your friend has to be one of the most selfish people I've come accross. She cheated on her husband with his best friend, divorced him, and now she is keeping him dangling and hurting her new b/f. Has she no regard for the feelings of other people?

 

I realise that you are her friend - but it is hard to understand why. You seem to be a kind and caring person and I don't understand why you are friends with someone who is the very antithesis of that.

 

Someone replied to one of your first posts advising you to stay out of it - I think that was very good advice then and it is still the best advice you will get now.

[precious_babae]

I encourage you to talk to your friend. It seems as if she is having some extreme emotions inside and by having them she is tearing apart others lives. I know you are her friend and it's hard for you to see what shes' doing, but if you are so close to her maybe you can reach her heart. Let her know what she's doing to others along with herself. I suggest that you just bring the obvious to her eyes and let her deal with it. If it was my position, I'd stay away from that situation, from that type of people

[sideline-friend]

I guess, sadly….here is the update. A couple days ago, I finally expressed to her, that I needed some time away from all of it. That I would still be her friend, but I can no longer put myself in a position where I'm watching so many people get hurt by her behavior. I expressed this as tactfully and diplomatic as I could, without trying to hurt anyone's feelings. I did not tell her how to live her life, or what I thought about her behavior…only what I was feeling and how it's manifesting in my life. I told her, I just needed some time. Well, I got the wrath of god…about how I was ending the friendship, how I was selfish and a miserable person. I just said I'm sorry you feel that way, and left it as such. We have not talked for 4 day now…and I'm thinking the friendship may be over. Ironically, the boyfriend (for a year now) called me and is really devastated and asking for advice…again, trying to stay out of it, I told him that there are serious issues on both of their parts, but to follow his heart on what he thought was best for him. He kept talking about how he couldn't trust her and how she always puts herself in these situations and she has no respect for the relationship or him…but that he still loves her, so he's torn. Again, all I said was take some time to be quiet and reflect and make a decision based on what was best for him and his heart. On a side note….I'm very upset, very hurt and alone b/c as much as she can be problematic, I still do care for her…and I miss her friendship. Anyway, thanks for listening.

[DN]

I'm sorry you may have lost her friendship but she seems to treat her friends as she does her relationships - transitory and only on her selfish terms.

[sideline-friend]

Yet another (sad) update...I think I'm in a state or mouring right now. My friend whom I stood by and was there for throughout her entire affair/divorce, not only has written me off as her friend, but has now started trying to turn my own friends against me....and has succeeded with one. I still talk to her current boyfriend (as we were friends beforehand) yes this is the b/f that she keeps cheating on, just like she did her husband. Anyway, I've talked to him about all of this and he says he's not going to pick a side to stand on....yet knowing that he loves her (even though he knows about her behavior) I know he will stand with her...and I'm just baffled as to how I'm losing so many friends from her behavior. I'm trying to prepare myself for the loss of him (the b/f) as well. I was told by her, that I was evil and crazy and to blame for all the drama and wrong doing in her life. And her life is just great, now that I'm out of it. It blows my mind that she can not take the responsibilty of cheating and creating such drama in her own life, but just continually blames it on other people. She has lost her 3 best friends at different times, the repsective 3 times she cheated in her marriage. ..and I'm just heart broken I'm added to that list. In one sense, I feel liberated to not have to deal with such drama any more...but I do miss her and the people I thought were my friends. I would apprecaite any advice? support? anyone experience anything similar? thanks for listening.

[SexySadie7]

side-line.. i can feel the pain you are going thru... it's tough when people blame us needless for the pain they are going thru in their lives, especially when you've been a good friend to them.

I don't know what to say... i know you are hurting.... and you've done NOTHING wrong except try to be a good person and friend... I've lost like 3 what i thought to be good friends in the past year.. and yes.. it's going to take some time for your heart to be over it...

sometimes though.... things are a mixed blessing.. i mean. why is it YOUR fault anyway that she's having problems? Did you encourage her to have an affair?

I'm sure you didn't ..... she's just a mixed up person..and sometimes they are the hardest to love and be friends with....

Make sure you start cultivating new friends.... it sounds like she's sort of vicious and revengeful person in one sense....

Maybe it is good she does not want to be friends with you if she's going to act in this manner.. People are often judged by their friends.. you sound like a stand-up person... She on the other hand, doesn't seem to have a conscious or very many morals when it comes to other people.

Good luck dear.

[RayKay]

You've done nothing wrong sideline honestly, other than try to be a friend. SHE is the one to blame for the drama - certain people seem to thrive on it, yet deny it at the same time...but I am sure you never forced her to cheat, or lie, or cheat again!

 

She on the other hand sounds like a self-obsessed, selfish, immature, careless, vicious, thoughtless individual. She will remain so until she takes responsibility for her own actions and behaviours.

 

I know it hurts, but you need to take the higher ground here and stay firm to your beliefs. I would even tell her bf that because right now you feel its best not to get involved, that you are going to cut off contact for a bit - don't give her any more "ammo" to use against you.

 

Be strong, she's not a friend you need in your life honestly....friends augment our lives, not bring us down or are careless with our emotions and feelings.