I wish I never moved to the US

[Shyflip]

I've been browsing this forums and it's definitely good to know that I am not the only shy person around.

 

I was't always been too shy though (I was shy but not to the extent that I am now). I lived in the Philippines for 17 years and I have always been a very outgoing person. Dating was never an issue for me and I had no problems with dealing with the opposite sex (I'm male). However, when I moved to the U.S. 6 years ago, my shyness became a huge issue. I felt very insecure about myself. I felt insecure about money, my looks, how I dress, and especially how I think I measure up against most American men. Most of them are taller (I'm 5'7" and skinny), well built, and more good looking (at least to philippine standards). Intimidation is a huge factor as well. Many filipinos tend to think that white ppl are better than they are but I found out this was not true and both are equal in most aspects.

 

I am really bothered with this insecurity and it's preventing me from being the person that I am. As I mentioned I have a really outgoing personality and I like to go out and meet women but I always get this feeling that I am not good enough for many Americans women and somehow they look down on me (or I look down on myself when around them). Sure there are nice Filipinas out there but most of them are Americanized and I feel they're pretty much the same as whites, blacks, etc.

 

This is becoming even more stressful because I am in a situation where I'm around many women everyday. I am a Pharmacy student and there are so many women in my school (mostly white). It really bothers me that I dont have the guts to approach them like I used to back home because I feel that most of them would never even bother dating an Asian. I mean just looking around, I have yet to see an asian guy going out with white girls (w/c I am very attracted to). My insecurities just kicks in and I'm beginning to lose hope in ever being successful with women in the U.S.

 

I mean it sucks when you are happy with every other aspect in your life (school, career, etc.) but you still feel that you are not good enough or accepted in another culture that values the very things you're good at. Im not unpleasant either, I'm very aware of my manners, I dress good, and im not a jerk.

 

It doesn't help either when ppl start looking at you or stare at you especially women (some men do this too). I mean I have no clue if women here find me attractive or not. They just look and when I look back they just break eye contact. I mean if they like me wouldn't they at least smile?

 

I'm just so frustrated...I don't know.. I mean I feel so ugly [short, skinny, asian (not to put some asians down but we are at a disadvantage compared to other ethnicities when it comes to the dating scene), broke (in college and in debt)]. It's just so sad cause I was never this way back home.

[Shadows Light]

I think what you are suffering from is Culture shock. The values and morals and cultural differences of Philipines vs. US. Its not an easy thing to assimulate.

 

But until you accept this country as being your home. You are going to feel the way you do.

 

You are feeling the way you do because it is more difficult to "blend". Not any different from say... someone of skin color. You are asian and so its not as if you can hide yourself in a crowd. When you are different...people do have the tendency to stare. Thats the same with anything.... for instance... line up 20 guys from corporate America and toss in a biker. The BIKER will stand out. The difference is.. confidence... the BIKER wouldn't feel the way you do.... he knows we all put our pants on the same way. We all bleed the same way... etc etc. The 20 corporate cats... well they still might look at him a bit...strangely. It doesn't have anything to do with you being philipino as much as you lack self confidence and a sense of self. You need to get comfortable in your own skin.

 

There's a saying here in the states: "You're not in Kansas anymore."

 

And there's another saying.. although I can't quote here... When in ROME... do as the ROMANS do.

 

 

I like your little comment about AMERICAN WOMEN. Arn't we just the most WONDERFUL breed of women in the World. lol. You said there were PHILPINE women who were AMERCIANIZED. And they didn't interest you.... LOL. Why??? Because we are confident. Because we walk beside our man. Because we walk with our head up. Because we are outspoken and tell it like it is. Because we are tough and don't take BS. Because we are educated. Because we expect to be treated as equals....becuase we are EQUALS. Because we rule our homes with an iron fist and a velvet glove. LOL. I'll tell you something sweetheart... we might be all those things and more...but you will never ever find the kind of LOVE we can give...because when we are treated well.... we give back 100 fold. You could only HOPE to get a piece of that AMERICAN PIE... it just doesn't get any better than that.

 

Now... that I've said my piece on AMERICAN WOMEN....

 

Its not easy to assimulate. I very well understand WHY you came here to this country... the education and economic reasons. Well along with that... you need to pony up and get used to our CULTURE. ANd thats what makes this country soooooo GREAT. IS THAT this is a melting POT of every walk and culture in the world. We "DO" have an open door policy and we take everyones, hungry, sick, poor and economically depressed. And AMERICANA is about people like you... who came before you...and made their mark on this CULTURE. They didn't WHINE and say... I can't do it. They were people with spririt, soul and vigor... they made contributions to this country and helped make it what it is today.

 

SOOOOOOOOO...your first task is to assimulate. NOT EASY... you may never totally like it here.. you may always feel homesick. AND thats your choice. If you are soooo homesick. Go home. I'm first generation AMERICAN...and a proud proud AMERICAN WOMAN.. so I'm talking from experience.. not BS. My parents were homesick. They had a very difficult time here...and after a few years... they made a life here. They dropped roots and had children. When they went back for a visit... they saw that they'd changed...They'd become AMERICANIZED... and WHAT A GREAT thing it was. They got homesick reminicing about the good things they remembered from their childhood. BUT they were never sorry they left... because this country is where they got their bread and butter. This is the country that fed their children. And gave their children a better life than any life they could have had anywhere else. This is the country that gave them FREEDOM. and you know what???? it was a small small price to pay... giving up some of those cultural beliefs they grew up with. Here they got the biggest prize of all. FREEDOM.

 

Soooooooooooo... do what you need to do. Hang with other philipinos.. I'm sure there are great pockets of them here and there. And learn how to assimulate....and if not. Go home. Go home and be happy. Because ultimately... you have only one time to live.. and you should be HAPPY. 8)

 

PEACE.

[Shyflip]

Just to clarify things, I dont ever have a problem with independent women...In fact I would prefer women who would be willing to pay up and not expect men to do everything for them.

I know its not easy to assimilate but I'ts not as a big of an issue for many filipinoes. I dont know about you but If you've been to the philippines you'll be shock at how similar our cultures can be....we were under American rule for quite some time.

And I am not dissing the fact that I appreciate the opportunity I have here...I love it here too and my family is here but its the friends/relationship aspect that bothers me. I guess im just too insecure about me; being at such a disadvantage from american men who were born here

[Shadows Light]

I'm sorry Shyflip..don't mean to get up on my soap-box...I do honestly get where you are coming from. I have lots of friends who have come accross in the last few years from my country... and I'd tell them the same thing... wouldn't be any different.

 

Your choices may be a little more different in terms of dating pool. But I'll bet you my last nickle...there are men out there in the same boat you are from... and they were born here...and raised. Its a sense of self that you are missing.

 

 

Shyfilp... okkkkkkkk so lets work with what we have.

 

I'm sure there are any number of American women who would go out with your given half the chance. You may not get Angelina Joli...but I'm sure given our variety and large population there's a girl out there for you.

 

I can't tell you how to gain confidence for you.. I know only from my field of experience, there are books and books out there... check out your local book-store. One of the things is you need to stop thinking of yourself in competition with...American Men. And look at yourself as an individual. Take the whole culture thing and get it out of your head.

 

You need to get a " 'tude" and attitude about yourself. You need to start walking with your head up...and gain self confidence.... you need to look at all your POSITIVE quailities and make those stand out. Write them out if you have to... do you consider yourself to be a fairly intelligent man??? do you get descent grades in college??? Do you have goals set for yourself.... meaning...WHAT are you going to do with your life..once your education is done??? HEY.. you got a PLAN... now, if you got those few things under your belt... I'd say you were ahead of the game. Plans are great...but you need to EXECUTE PLAN too... If you must compare yourself to the multitude.... there are many who don't have a handle on it.

 

Next... whats missing??? Social life... ok... how are we going to work on a social life.... you need conversation skills and a good attitude. You need to be able to look yourself in the mirror and say... "yep, I've might not have it all...but I've got it going on." sooooo then you go out.. whether its to a health club... or to a party... the beach... a night club...and you meet people. You hang out more and get to know people. Everyone knows someone... who is single. You just need practice. You will get shot down a lot of the times... but hey.. its ok.. because even thats a learning experience. Practice makes perfect.

 

And by the way... I mean no disrespect to you personally... The written word can be interpretted in many different ways. You wrote that you had confidence in your own country...and here you lack it. You wrote about Aisan women who were AMERICANIZED. I know exactly what you are referring to...I grew up in a European Home with European moores and values... I've gotten a taste for both...and I'd call myself VERY VERY lucky..and worldly. But I am soooo proud to be an American...and my parents are also.

 

I think what you are trying to say is that you don't think that White women find asian men attractive... or you feel that you are at a disadvantage because of your race. Well.... I can't tell you a way around that... and I won't pretend that it doesn't exist. I will tell you that.... I'll bet you there ARE women out there that this doesn't hold true with...but I cna't tell you were and how to find them. Sorry. You need get comfortable with yourself first and in your own skin. Feel good about who you are as a person. And then things may look a little bit different for you. 8)

[ayekasong]

I don't really know why it is that Asians seem disadvantaged on the dating scene. I myself am dating a man of Asian ethnicity, and yes, he's American, but he still has many ties to his roots.

 

By the way, my co-worker thinks that Filipino men are the hottest on the planet - and she's American. Both of us would consider dating men here too, but some of the cultural differences are just too much for us to deal with.

 

I do disagree with you that American men are more good looking than men from any other country. I think there are just as many attractive men and just as many unattractive men in the U.S. as any other country. It is just that the extremely good looking ones are the ones that are flashed in advertisements, movies, and T.V. all the time.

 

While it is getting better, there is still a bit of a negative sentiment towards interracial dating in the U.S. I have gotten stares and some rude comments from being with my boyfriend, and I know some of my friends who have dated black, Hispanic, or other races of men have gotten some nasty looks and comments as well. But this is getting better, and most women don't care about that sentiment anymore and can just ignore the comments. Unfortunately, there are women who are still afraid, and there are some women who think dating outside of their race is wrong. But I ask you, would you really want to be with a woman who saw you as "Filipino" before she saw you as "you"?

 

Just be yourself, and be confident in who you are. Women will be attracted to you regardless of what your heritage is. But I guarantee you that if you are playing the race card around these women, it will be a huge turnoff.

[Shyflip]

I think what you are trying to say is that you don't think that White women find asian men attractive... or you feel that you are at a disadvantage because of your race. Well.... I can't tell you a way around that... and I won't pretend that it doesn't exist. I will tell you that.... I'll bet you there ARE women out there that this doesn't hold true with...but I cna't tell you were and how to find them. Sorry. You need get comfortable with yourself first and in your own skin. Feel good about who you are as a person.

 

yes Shadow Light you are right...

 

I think I should have picked a different title for my post. I didn't want to come accross as someone who is not proud to be a Filipino American. I vote and do jury duty as proudly as anyone (well maybe not much jury duty...lol) and I do not believe it is a problem with assimilation more so than I am insecure about the fact that Asian men in general are somewhat at a disadvantage. The fact that I am shy now does not help either since I'm mostly shy to people I am attracted to and I find most White, Hispanic, and Middle eastern women very attractive.

 

I really don't want to talk about why Asian men are at a disadvantage since I'm sure someone had already posted a topic on that. I'm more interested in hearing from people who have overcome this and those who have ideas on how I can tackle this insecurity/shyness.

 

Socially, I do have friends of different ethnicity. I have female friends but I dont feel attraction or connection to any of them.

 

Values-wise I think I am very liberal. I was raised a Catholic as most filipinos are but I'm now an Atheist. I support abortion to an extent, gay marriage, etc...you get the picture.

 

I do feel good about myself as a person. I have achieved enough things to make me feel as if I accomplished something with my life and I do have goals and aspirations and I feel that I'm on my way to achieving them.

 

When it comes to approaching women I'm interested in though, I get this feeling that women would judge me more on my Asian looks or the stereotypes rather than my personality and from what I have heard from some of my Asian friends, many women out there are quick to judge based on looks rather than what is inside.

[Shidoshi]

Just thought I'd slip this in.

Just to clarify things, I dont ever have a problem with independent women...In fact I would prefer women who would be willing to pay up and not expect men to do everything for them.

The problem with many of these so called "independent" women is that they actually don't "pay up" and enjoy the comforts of having more "equality" while benefitting from "old traditions" such as having men pay for dates.

[asdf]

hey man, i know exactly what you're going through. i just moved to an entirely new continent/culture a few months ago. but you do get used to it. you just have to decided the pros/cons of living in each place and make a decision based on that.

 

i used to be a shy guy, and i don't really know how i overcame that, but i know that you have to think positive (cheesy as it sounds).

 

as for the asian thing, i disagree with it being a disadvantage. i do think that traditional asian culture can put asian men at a disadvantage (with the whole submissive, silent thing), but i don't really follow any cultures, so i've never really had a problem.

[Shadows Light]

The problem with many of these so called "independent" women is that they actually don't "pay up" and enjoy the comforts of having more "equality" while benefitting from "old traditions" such as having men pay for dates.

 

I'd like to argue this point... I for one have never had a man pay my way...I've paid or he's paid. And we can get into a whole nother realm of discussion here as to what is protocol. Why didn't I have anyone pay my way??? I didn't want anyone to have EXPECTATIONS of what I owed them because they did. My affections couldn't be bought. Period. I don't think I am alone in that sentiment....there are many like me. But nor am I immune to a guy being a gentleman... opening doors and having his hand at the small of my back... but then I behave as a lady... It really doesn't have to be all that difficult... sssshhhheeeshhh.... Everyone should just treat each other with a little bit of respect and we'd all be happy campers. 8)

 

 

When it comes to approaching women I'm interested in though, I get this feeling that women would judge me more on my Asian looks or the stereotypes rather than my personality and from what I have heard from some of my Asian friends, many women out there are quick to judge based on looks rather than what is inside

 

Shyflip... see, you've got lots going for you! There's always a silver lining.... I don't know how you'd go about getting through that barrier of Asian/American race thing. Its true that young women do judge on looks... I think its evolutionary or nature thing.. which is unfortunate. But as we get older, wiser and gain perspective we start looking at other attributes to shape our decision making process.

 

And maybe it has to do with that whole ICON ODOLOTRY (sp?) in the teenage years... we spend so much time idolizing what we see on the big screen and in magazines that it becomes the goal if you will. LOL.

 

That complaint can be made with just about anything we see in the movies or television. "Leave it to beaver" was the 1950's version of the Perfect family...and everyone thought thats what it had to look like...and if it wasn't like that something was wrong with thier family.

 

I'd say Shyslip... if you've got the career, school and future goals foundation set... everything else will slide into place given time.

 

What you need is someone matching your intelligence level and education. Maybe you are looking in all the wrong places. Try college type pubs, coffee houses and the like. Book clubs... places young women of intellect hang out. They are more likely to be non-racial and non-judgemental... more worldly.

 

[HellFrost666]

I just had to jump on this one...

 

Coming to the US was not easy for me for a few reasons.

 

Since this thread is about Dating I'll start there. I have my OWN opinion about American women. They are (mostly) superficial and stuck up. I've never met so many self absorbed ladies until I came here. But there are always exceptions. I have managed to find one who isn't like that (Thank Gods.)

 

The US plays on a lot of stereotypes. People think because I came froma cold place I know all about dog sledding and Ice fishing (never done either one.) Also, people here think Scandinavians are very loose when it come to sex. I've had people ask me how many orgies I've participated in, etc... I've only slept with 3 people! And they weren't all at the same time either, lol.

 

I think my biggest pet peeve is people who meet me for the first time, hear my accent, and suddenly want to talk r e a l s l o w as if I can't understand them... I speak better English then most Americans I know, honnestly.

 

So I'm sure I have offended someone here, sorry. But that is my opinion. I had my reasons for coming to the US, and I have my reasons for staying here. I like it here, these are just my annoyances.

[LIFE]

I see that this is the problem with Asian-Americans. They are very passive, very nice people who are struggling with their own image. It's something that have to be coped everyday. I think that you need to realize that you being Asian-American have many advantages. You are a open-minded person, you do not stereotype people, you are altruistic, you stay true to your family, you treat people with absolute respect. Things like this, it's just wonderful for a human being to have. I don't think there are a lot of people in the world who are like this. You should embrace what you have and you shouldn't go around pulling the race card.

 

I know that you are frustrated and you're struggling, but you struggle is beautiful. It's a beautiful to struggle and be frustrated at your situation. A lot of people would fall and crumble but the ones who still continue to go on everyday come out to be great.

 

It's not a matter of assimilating or becoming White, it is becoming who you want to be. It is becoming proud of who you are. You have to be comfortable with yourself as a person...that way, you will irresistible to other people, regardless of race.

[Shadows Light]

I know that you are frustrated and you're struggling, but you struggle is beautiful. It's a beautiful to struggle and be frustrated at your situation. A lot of people would fall and crumble but the ones who still continue to go on everyday come out to be great.

 

Absolutely beautiful !!!! The most poignant lessons in life are learned through struggle. And only when we fight for it...is the prize worth it in the end. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. AND yes.... only the strongest survive...and the weak crumble under pressure. Mother Nature and Evolution at its best. Absolutely beautiful.... LOL.

Well said. Thank-you.

 

It's not a matter of assimilating or becoming White, it is becoming who you want to be. It is becoming proud of who you are. You have to be comfortable with yourself as a person...that way, you will irresistible to other people, regardless of race.

 

By assimulating I didn't mean becoming one of the "sheep"... I meant learn to work within the system. Adapt. But yes......... You need to be comfortable within your own skin to gain confidence...and confidence is a magnet...

[asdf]

if you think the stereotype is an inaccurate presentation of you, then you have no need to worry, because when people actually get to know you, they'll see you're different. if you actually show them you're not stereotypical, then you'll come accross as unique.

 

i'm asian, but i don't follow the asian culture myself. i'll openly disagree with elders, i'm not passive or quiet or peaceful, i'm very open and energetic and aggressive at times, and i think the asian stereotype has worked to my advantage, cause people who know me, even a little, realise that i'm not in the asian stereotype, and that gets you more attention than being labelled easily.

 

and if you are the asian stereotype, then you really don't have to complain about the stereotype, because it represents you properly then.

 

if i meet a white girl who is outgoing and not so shy, i'll think she's normal. but an asian girl who is the same will catch my eye more. do you see your potential for an advantage?

[Shyflip]

Thanks for the feedback guys...I don't know but you're right....maybe I'm playing the race card just to have an excuse. I know I still have a lot to work on but I am determined to work on it no matter how long it takes. I'm sure I'll be coming back to this forum for future advice.

 

Thank you very much.