Why The Coldness Now?

[alphonsefa]

Been throuh everything posted here and then some. Seen the girl I loved, planned a family with, planned a life with, out of the clear blue, leave me to go back to an ex boyfriend that was abusive to her. Not to toot my own horn, but professionally I've accomplished things that he could only dream of, am better looking than him, was a better lover than him, and most importantly showed her something he was incapable of, LOVE. Talk about an ego blow! During the first breakup, yeah there were more than one after this, I told her that I could understand her going back to her ex husband because he was a genuine good guy. Told her that as much as that would've hurt, I could've accepted it, and given the fact that they had a beautiful 12 year old daughter, I would've understood it.

 

We got together for another month after this, and again it fell apart. The mood swings from her were severe, she'd shift from conversation to conversation. Oh yeah, don't forget to let me add that she was on medication for depression, something that came about while she was with the dirt ball, abusive, ex boyfriend; just another legacy he's contributed to her life. It's not about him though, it never was. It's about her and the decisions she has made for her life in the past, and the ones she has made in regard to our relationship. Both times that she broke it off, I totally turned her off. My philosophy is that I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me, regardless of how much it hurts to be without them. Both times she contacted me again.

 

The third time we got together my tolerance level was very low, and when she started the BS again, I met her halfway and beat her to the door; this was a movie ending that I was much to familiar with. When she came to pick up the remainder of her laundry at my house, I packed everything she had given me in a bag and included it with her clothes. She was falling into another one of those, "I want to be alone", "I'm depressed", moodsl something she had a history of doing. Her idea was to pick up her laundry, leave the door open, and then call me in a couple of weeks when she was feeling better. I was tired of being the bait on the hook and beat her to the punch by telling her that her and the ex abusive boyfriend deserve each other; because he's sick for treating her the way he does, and she's sick for always going back. Oh yeah, don't let me forget this little tid bit. She was with the scum bag a week after she broke up with me the second time; something I didn't find out until the very end. I also told her, "the next time you get depressed, don't call me!" She turned to me and said, "I will never call you again"!

 

Four months passed and slowly the pain began to subside as each day would pass. And then it happened a phone call from her to see how I was doing. The conversation was kept to her career and my career, no personal info was discussed beyond the proverbial, "how have you been doing?" I let 3 weeks pass, and I stopped by her work to say hello. She works as an Assistant Manager for a store in a mall that I pass on my way home from work. We talk, nothing about us, but more about how her daughter was, how my job was going, and about her opportunity to get a Manager's job that she's wanted for the longest time. We say our goodbyes and 2 more weeks pass with NC. I call her to see if she's heard anything about the job, and she is giving nothing but one word answers; she didn't get the job, and she obviously doesn't want to talk to me. She said, "you don't have to call", and I responeded very non-chalantly, "okay, I won't call you anymore. I just called to see how you were and see if you had heard anything about the job. Bye".

 

It seems I'm treated with a double standard. It was alright for her to call me to see how I was doing. I wasn't rude when she called, I talked with her. Yet when I extended the same courtesy to her, I was met with one word answers. I had left her on her own for 4 months, she was the one that called me. Even when she called I gave her space. I never asked her back, wasn't pursuing her after the break up and wasn't pursuing her after she contacted me. I asked nothing of her and was no stress to her. So why was I met in such a cold manner, with one word answers? What surprised me is at the least I expected her to be cordial; a simple, "I'm doing fine and how have you been" , would've sufficed. Was it anger, resentment, the depression, that accounted for such an awkward one word conversation? This girl broke up with me and I gave her what she wanted, space. She's the one that called me after 4 months to see how I was. All I did was the same in return, some 5 weeks later. Why was I met with such coldness? I didn't do anything to her to warrant that.

[scoobster]

Hey bro, i kno how you feel. The hole abusive ex is still a mystery to myself aswell. I was faced with the same situation and given advice from guys on this site.. so imma tell you the same thing they told me. Give her time to heal from the past, abuse really screws up a person and only they can pull themself back together.

[volution]

It's truly pathetic the way some people carry on with regards to love and relationships - the way that this woman 'loved' you must have been some very shallow or empty kind of love, to just go back to some

 

But, from what I've read, heard, and seen, this is not an uncommon scenario - it seems unbeliavable, that anyone would go back to a scumbag who treats them like scum, and it really does hurt like hell for the person that is left behind, hurt and ruined by the mess.

 

From what you've said, though, it seems she really is a messed up individual, and doesn't really know what she wants. The daughter must be very confused and upset too over all this.

The way she has treated you is totally unacceptable, and you really could never have a long lasting relationship with her, after all that has happened, and the way that she is.

 

Perhaps you still love, maybe even a great deal, a part of you still waiting to be the knight in shining armour, to rescue your fair maiden from the unworthy scumbag...

But it will never be... This maiden is far from fair... It might be hard, but if I was in your position, I would stay away from her, in this lifetime.

My ex was slightly abusive to me - she sometimes exploded and accused me of all kinds of things, like being unfaithful and lying, and no matter how much I tried to tell and show her I wasn't, she couldn't believe it - she was so insecure, and often insecurities like that stem back to people's childhoods, and most people aren't able to overcome them...

In the end, my ex kept contacting me, and I told her to stop, very harshly, because it kept hurting me very much, hearing from her, with part of me still believing in the smallest glimmer of hope of she coming back to me...

[DN]

I was tired of being the bait on the hook

 

You had that right. But now you re putting yourself on the hook.

 

The last time she left was when you should have started getting over her and finding someone who loves you as much as you do her. Now is the time to finally decide that it is over for good and stop worrying about who did what to whom.

 

You didn't deserve that treatment but constantly thinking about it won't help you. Put her out of your heart and out of your mind and move on.

[alphonsefa]

Thanks for the replies. I think the glimmer of hope lives within everyone on this board, whether they want to admit it or not. The amazing thing is that she does nothing but disappoint me now, and I still have feelings for her. It's downright maddening to me, and I hate myself for it at times. How could I possibly love someone that has treated me so badly?! My biggest mistake with her was giving her too much leeway because I knew much of the details of her abusive relationship. Under normal circumstances I would've never let a girl come back after the first time she left me; I don't know why I let her troubled past cloud my judgement.

 

This is a girl that called me crying, weeks after she dumped me at Christmas time, and tell me I was the greates guy in the world and that no one had ever treated her as well as I did. I didn't bend over backwards for her or anything, I simply treated her the way you treat someone you love. I don't know, maybe it is the fact that she doesn't like herself, something she'll readily admit; and that for me to love her, in her mind meant that there must be something wrong with me.

 

The only positive to come from the cold response she gave me was that it was a jolting reminder of how cold and detached she is able to become when she gets depressed. Even though I knew nothing would come of my phone call to her, I really expected a friendly voice, not the bitterness and contempt that was shown. She said, "you don't have to call"; and I told her, "okay, I won't call you again, I just called to see how you were doing". I guess the coldness of her call really is a metaphor for how she treats relationships. She sabotages everything good in her life, with the exception of her daughter. I guess I was just another actor in the drama that she calls a life. This one has left a scar that not even time will heal. To have everything you ever truly wanted ripped away from you with such little regard for your feelings is very difficult to make sense of and deal with. I guess I'll never learn the real reasons or her true feelings. I wish she would've never called again. I had written her off due to the 4 months of no contact, and then she cracks the door open, I come in a little, and then she slams it back in my face for no reason whatsoever!

[PlayBrat]

Alphonsepha...

 

You did everything RIGHT in this situation believe me. This woman sounds like a basketcase who would suck the life out of you. You are FAR to good of a guy for that!

This kind of reminds me of the movie Forrest Gump. Look at how long Forrest put up with Jenny's crap.....of course he WASN'T the brightest crayon in the box either....but my point is that people like that probably really do NOT know how to appreciate something really GOOD. It takes years of counseling for them to be able to function normally in a heealthy relationship. Don't ever beat yourself up over this kind of thing...there was NOTHING you could have done differently other than what you did.

At least you can sleep at night knowing you WERE a good ,decent loving guy. Totally HER loss....and I bet if she saw you with another woman, she would kick herself...which she should.

Let her go.....she does not deserve you.

[rangerider]

alphonsefa,

 

If it's any consolation at all, pretty much the same thing happened to me. Apparently there are alot of psyco damaged people out there that had abusive s/o in there past. We waste time wondering why they couldn't appreciate a kind, loving and decent man.

It doesn't matter. We get devalued and discarded like yesterdays news when we've served whatever their purpose was for us. Financial, emotional, etc.

I took my ex back many times and in the end she dumped me. I should have wised up a long time ago because of all the red flags. But you know when they are sweet and tell you how you're the love of their life, etc.

Partner, the best thing you can do for yourself is move on 1 day at a time. As hard as it is let go of the thought of reconciling. Stay complete N/C. In time your heart will heal.

Good luck and you are not alone in the "didn't deserve her to treat me this way" scenario.