How long should you try and fight? + Update

[confusedashell]

I have already posted my story below here if you're not framiliar with it. But i talked to a friend today who split up from his long term girlfriend awhile ago and told him what was going on. He told me that until those divorce papers are signed or I have left the country to go home I should keep fighting for this or else I'll always regret it. In some ways I just dont want to *that* person who just begs and pleds for them to come back because you just turn them off you, but I I cant just sit back while my family falls apart either. Ive spoken to her like six or seven time sin the last two days (she called me) and just small talk, but i still let her know in some way that I love her and want to work this out. I have almost fully accepted that this is probably over, at least for the foreseeable future. And I should move on. But i think that once I leave the country it will be hard to keep it at that "level". I know that all came about due to things that are so easily fixable. Thats what kills me. But she doesnt seem interested to fix them.

I had thought about when she gets back on sunday to just go out and take a walk alone to clear my head before we talk. but leave some flowers and a handmade card there for her. Just something small to let her see Im not taking her for granted, I do love her, I do want to be with her and that I'm not taking her words now lightly at all. I just dont know though if I end up making her give this another try and if her heart isnt in it, this will just end in failure anyway, thatit'll just drag everything out.

I made a suggestion to her that we stay together but I move back to the Uk for a few months. When we meet up we just "date" as bf and gf, nothing to do with the daily life crap that gets in the way of us being a couple. I dont know what she thinks about ti...

 

anyone have some advice?? anyone been there before??

[Hope75]

I can understand the desire to fight for something that you really care about and don't want to lose, but I think your friend is forgetting something.

 

A marriage involves two people (at least, if there are no children) and both have to have the desire to work it out and put in the effort it takes to over the problems and really give it a fair shot.

 

If you are making your intentions known, as it seems you are by telling your wife that you still love her and wish to work it out, there isn't much more you can do. Begging, pushing, and bullying her into trying to work it out won't work unless she wants to work it out as well. She needs to come forward now and be willing to put in equal effort to work this out if that's what she wants.

 

You are doing what you can, your wife knows that you would give it a try, perhaps the only other thing you can do is to tell her WHAT would change and how YOU would make things different if she were to give you a second chance. If she isn't willing to bring her 50% into it, then you can't hold a sinking ship afloat on your own, and only end up dragging it out, making it worse for all involved, and hurting yourself more in the process.

 

Best of luck and keep us updated.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Been there done that! Fought it for almost a year. Didn't make a differnece in the world. Infact, it worked quite the opposite, and let me tell you, its a huge blow to your self asteem. Should have just given her the space right off the bat. But what can you do. No matter what, you are going to be left regreting things. No matter what you do, you will always look back and wonder, what if? You have todo whats best for you now. She is doing what is best for her, regardless of you. You'll only drive her away more. The only thing you can do, is give her space, go on with your life, and hope that she changes her mind. Start strict NC and if she truly loves you, she will be back.

 

If you decide to fight, expect depression for the duration.

[sorryJason]

I know this is probably told a lot around here, but if you love someone let them go, if they really love you, they will come back, one part of a break up is that the breakee starts begging for that person to come back, well that makes you look like a loser, and people don't want to go back to losers.

 

You have to remind that person who you really are, and who they are missing, what they are leaving behind, that they will miss for the rest of their lives, show them the things that they will not have when they leave the relationship. If that doesn't make them stop and think, then you don't want to be with that person anyways.

 

I think the problem with most relationships is that there is no communication, that is something I think we all need to work on. We all need to try to understand exactly how our partner is feeling, that, trust and understand are the pillars of a good relationship.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Very well said, can't agree more. The problem is when one of the parties isn't willing to communicate. The dumpee is always ready to communicate, the dumpee on the other hand, isn't, and you can't force communication unwillingly.

[confusedashell]

Well thanks for the replies. Its pretty much what i had in mind. When she dropped that one me it was the night before she left to visit her mother in their summer place. So we havent had the chance to talk this out yet. Shes called me about 8 or nine times since then and we touched on it but i didnt want to drag it all up on the phone. But i need to talk about this. One serious talk. Let her know that I love her, want to be with her and work this all out because I dont think there isnt anything that cant be worked out. I want to let her know what I think should change and want to know what she thinks should change. In so many ways she can act like a teenage girl. That when the sparks are gone from a marriage then thats it. Its done. She doesnt realise that that IS what happens in a marriage unless you work at it. I have wondered several times if I even loved her at all, if I even wanted to spend another month with her. But after a shirt while realised that the stress and worry we were under was just making me think my marriage and her was the problem of everything. Stress can do so many things to a relationship. I know she feels that I dont love her, or at least I havent SHOWED her and she's right. She said I take her for granted. Well I dont, I just have had a depression thats been making me more withdrawn into myself but that all this with her woke me up fast as to what is important and what is not. She tells me still that I'm the love of her life. very recently we were both telling eachother we were CERTIAN that THIS marriage is it, that we found our "soulmates". Hell she is even telling me that once she gets this living alone thing out of the way she wants to get back together. That is NOT ok with me. Im here now. I cant wait around forever and in the event she might find someone else. She says she's worried if she finds another man attractive. She always said she only saw me. I told her its perfectly natural to see who is attractive or not, but it what your thinking and you interest level thats important.

I have to do this I think. If that doesnt work, well then..I cant do anymore. But I think she is making a big mistake with this. She is throwing our family and us away on a whim. because of things that are temporary and just have gotten a lot bigger that we should have let them.

 

I'll let you all know what happens on sunday night.

[confusedashell]

well the update..a little earlier than expected.

My wife called me again from her vacation with our son and we spoke about other things first. I wasnt going to bring it up. But we started to talk about it eventually and I told her that i loved her, told her that I was sorry that this depression had got such a grip on me for the last six months and that all this had made me snap out of things faster than a bolt of lightening. Made me see what is important and whats not. That a dark spiral was destroying that thing which was the most important to me. She listened to me and understood but in many ways I think its just gone too far for her. I dont know. She said she has a lot of problems of her own to deal with that she needs to alone to deal with them. She said that meeting me turned her life upsidedown. She was always adament that she would never marry and probably never have children, but she wanted both we me and we did both. She wants to live on her own for awhile, anything up to a year. Of course, i want this to work. She said that if we stay together now we probably wont last another six months but if we separate then theres a better chance that we will make it. In one sense I of course wnat that. I want her to feel better and if she alone can do this then so be it.

I listened to everything she said and told her how I felt honestly. That it all depends how we do this and what the reasons for doing this are. If we are doing this for our benifit for the benifit of our relationship, if we stay together throughout this and do things as a couple who doesnt live together then i think it could all work out really great. But on the other hand, if we do this and consider ourselves split up and have contact only about our son then I have a great fear that she will just either not want this anymore, meet someone else or just decide that she prefers to be alone. I know it sounds selfish but I love her and I want to be with her and I dont think that any of our problems are not solvable. But i guess she feels differently. A short back as a month ago she told a girlfriend that we would more than likely always be together. But not she is not sure of anything. I know that if I love her I should and have to let her go and do this and well, if she decides thats that or meets someone else then thats just the way it goes and there is nothing i can do about it.

I get the feeling that she does want to end this but that she is scared of making a mistake. She does know that we had things great but I think she also remembers the last six months were I've been down as hell and lashing out at the smallest thing. But she is like that, a person who once she makes her mind up, then there isn't much me or anyone else can do to change it. She knows where I stand now. I guess the ball is in her court so to speak. I can only be there for her if she needs me, show her that I am sorry and that I do love her. But other than that, well...I'm not about to bully her into anything or drag her into something she isnt 100% into.

I think its about time I just accepted that this is over. Sad as it is. I lost someone that was so special to me because of depression and because I couldnt relax in the situation I was in. Because I couldnt break out of something that was dragging me down. Thats hard to deal with. Knowing that she loves me, that she fell so deeply in love with me and stayed that way for over 5 and a half years only to have it all destroyed in six months because that just was NOT me, I could see it and I really wish and though she could.. I always thought we were stronger than that. But i guess she just had enough. Probably thought it would never end and at some point just gave in.

 

Anyone have some advice on this? about what we or I should do? I really dont know what to do now except leave it and accept that this is finished.