Best Way to Move On with a Child Involved

[Bubsa]

Posted on here several times about my relationship issues wont bore you anymore about it. But just a want some options on if people believe I am morally right in doing what I am doing.

 

Have been split with me Ex who also is the Mother of my 2 yr old son for about five months now tried several times to get back with her shes not interested and now I am no longer interested in getting back with her. TIME IS A GREAT HEALER !!!

 

I am soooo Happy at the moment just being on my own I have my old confidence back and feel like I am Me again the REAL ME. I have been going out with Mates Getting Drunk, Pulling Girls etc Just having a good time really. But When I have My Son we go out and do some really cool things together now he has always meant the world to me just hurts that I dont get to see him everyday.

 

Well the problem is I was still friends with me Ex after we split we used to go out and do things as friends (Think this was really me trying to win her back)etc I still paid Bills for her Gas, Electric Mobile, House Phone and Internet etc as well as CSA payments. Now I believe I am close to being over her (She will always be special first love and mother of me child).

 

I don't want her as a friend anymore I have cut of all her phones and internet gave her the option if she would like to carry them on but pay for them herlself. Also I dont Pay any of her Bills anymore. To be honset don't even speak to her unless it is regarding our Son arranging to pick him up etc. I am always polite and friendly when I see her but always try to keep it brief. She soemtimes wants to talk about other things like what i've been up to etc I just say this and that and make a excuse that I have to go. She says I am acting weird.

 

What I am asking here is not for people to tell me if they think I am a but If I am Morally right or wrong in doing what I am doing. At the end of the day i would have been willing to try most things to get back with her she has decided against that which is fair enough and I do respect her honesty. All me spending time with her now is just stoping my recovery process which at the end of the day is no good because apart from my Son its all about me at the moment and I am enjoying finding out about myself again. Before anyone says do the whole No Contact thing I cant do that because she is the Mother of the Child and we both have HIS best interests at heart first.

[confusedashell]

mate, Im in more or less the same position, although me and my wife are not totally up yet, shes just messed up in her head it seems. I wont bother getting into it. I'm pretty sure it's all gone up in smoke. Like you, I tried everything and I think for some time more I dont think that I couldnt stop trying, after all its your family! No one wants their family to be broken up. But like you we also have a four year old son. Makes matters worse is we are from different countires and I just want to get back to the UK now. This is going to be tough. But I think at some point mate, you gotta just let her fend for herself. I dont think its being mean to not want to have contact with her. You obviously love that woman and it hurts that she doesnt have those feelings back for you. You cant treat her as just another friend, she has been and will probably always be something a lot more to you.

 

You did the right thing, helped her out when you finished so she could get on her feet, but you dont owe her anything like that. SHE wanted out so let her deal with it. Of course she is the mother of your child so you will always have to have contact with her but let her know that there are boundaries. If she needs financial help to take care of your son thats one thing but she has gotta start paying her own bills. You she help you in that way had the situation been reversed!?

 

Men are suckers for the women the love. Women are far colder i think, at least in my experience. Men are ruled by their hearts when they are in love, women are ruled by the minds when they are in love. They still manage to think logically and about themselves. My wife has told me she doesnt love me anymore and doesnt wnat this relationship. She just wants to live a relationshop free life for awhile. While saying that she says I'm the love of her life and in the future we'll probably get back together. But I still try to get her back. Logically its absolutly stupid. She doesnt want this - end of story. But I cant help trying to fix out family. She says I took her for granted, I shouted at her too much. Yeah I maybe did because I wasnt feeling good, I had some mild depression, she couldnt understand that or just didnt want to. So in the end she just gave up. Men in love, truly dont do that. They do everything for the woman.

 

Stay strong mate. If its meant to be she'll come back sooner or later, if its not..well then theres someone else that is for you. She's obviously old enough to make her own life for herself. You aint married anymore so you dont need to take care of her like that.

[sonjam]

In a situation like this, you have to think what is best for your child. Here's the facts:

 

She does not want to date you

You don't want to date her

YOu have a son that bind your together for the rest of your lifes.

 

So the best thing to do is be FRIENDLY, you don't have to pay her bills, you have to pay maintenance to help support your child, but for the sake of his growing up as normally as possible, it is best to stay at least platonic friends. You could go on a picnic together, and get along well for the sake of your child. He did not ask to be here, and both of you have a responsibility to put the differences asside, and focus on him.

 

That is the moral responsibility you have. What you do beside that is up to you, date get drunk whatever, but show your son that parents can have a good, grownup, healthy relationship, even if they are not in love anymore, and even if they are not together anymore, they can be sivil, and decent to one another.

[Minty80]

I think what you are doing is perfectly fine. I'm divorced from the father of my two children (5 and 3 years) and unless we are in a social situation together (A lot of mutual friends) the only times we ever talk are when I need to call him about something regarding the kids or for 5 mins when he comes to pick them up.

 

Even when we are in the same place socially the only thing we really discuss are the kids or at most light gossip concerning friends. The conversations never go any deeper than that and except for the kids and mutual friends we live completely separate lives that are not discussed with each other.

 

You are right that NC is impossible when you have children together, so I think the best thing is to get as close to NC as you can. Which is making sure you only discuss what you absolutely have too. In our case I have the kids all week and he has them on the weekends. So I tell him what they did during the week, keep him updated on any illness, that sort of thing.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with making your interactions more business like. In fact when my ex and I went to counciling after we separated, to make sure we could still get along for the kids sake, that's what was recommended. If your ex tries to engage you in deeper conversation just turn the topic back to the kids or if it's time for you to be going make an excuse to get out of there. It works and eventually you'll both be on the same page as all of that goes.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Hope75]

I agree with Sonjam on this one. While how you conduct your personal life on your own time is your own business, and you are not obligated to pay your exes' bills, you are obligated to pay support to that child, and help buy him clothes, food, toys, medical expenses, care while his mother works to support him as well, and make sure he has lights, water and a telephone in his house. However this is worked out is up to the court system, unless you and your ex can come to a sum that both of you find reasonable.

 

You don't owe your ex fidelity any more, but you do owe you child two parents who can respect each other enough to be good parents to him and make sure that he is provided for, not only financially but physically, mentally and emotionally as well.

[Bubsa]

Many Thanks for all the Advice.

 

Just to clear up any confusion I have no Quams about paying Child Support in fact I get it taken straight out of my wages the day I get paid. My Boy will never be without anything he has loads of Toys, Designer clothes (Yeah he is Spoilt) that I buy him regardless of the CSA Payments. Like I said before he is the world to me so he is never gonna feel unloved. His Mother Loves him loads and I believe she is the sort of person that will put him before anything else in her life. My Family all spoil him he is the only grandson etc etc !!! Love towards my Son is not the issues here.

 

Someone has just metioned about a phone. At present she does not have a mobile and the house phone is getting trasferred to Incoming only as she says thats all she can afford because I was paying for them but now I have stopped. But I believe it is up to her to sort this out.

 

She does not work through choice (She did not work when I was with her either). I admit I do need to be a little more mature and eventually will have to come to terms with having some kind of realionship with my ex but at present I feel there nearest I get to NC the better it will be for ME to sort myself out. But the Only Contact I want is to be TOTALLY about our son. I dont want to know what she has been up to and I dont want her to know what I have been up to.

[Hope75]

I am glad you are paying child support and that you both seem to have your child's best interests at heart.

 

Let me ask you this, how hard would it be for you to pay a 45$ cell phone bill a month for her so that she has a phone should she need to call you, or her family, or a doctor for your son? Does she not work because she has no child care? Would your parents watch him during the day so she could get a job? Even if it's part time. How is she living now?

[DN]

I think if you are paying what the court has ordered then you doing fine. I didn't see anywhere in your post where you said you would not stand by your responsibility to your child.

 

In so far as paying for extra things for her: it may be kind to do that but it may also act against your interests as she could go to court to ask for increased maintenance based on what you actually pay not on what you are paying now. And if your financial situation changes it is very hard to get support payments reduced. Many men have regretted paying more to the mother of their children because their generosity has backfired on them.

 

In order to spend extra money on your son there are various ways to do that. If he stays with you for weekends etc. , then you could spend that money directly on him for things he might need, clothes, toys etc to keep at your place. It is also a good idea to put money aside for him in a further education trust fund for when he goes to college.