How to gain confidence and be different?

[waytoodown]

Hey! I was just wodering if anyone has any advice on how to be more confident in bed? I have been having sex with my bf for more then 6 months and I am comfortable with him. Only, sometimes I feel like I don't have enough confidence to do what I wanna do.....

Does anyone have advice on how to gain confidence?

Does anyone have dfferent ideas of what I could do? ( Already do the basics...blowjob, kissing, touching...)

thx lots!!!

[misery12]

Show him he has to work for pleasure.

Dress up and tease him until he craves your touch.

He will scream.. put him in a chair and don't let him touch you..

Once he see's you've gained this confidence, and are proud to wear your skin, he should be more attracted to you, and go from there.

[Vert]

My ex had this "f me" face that she pulled off really well, and it just showed she was a tiger when it came to bedroom activities. Often times when she was on top I'd try to sit up and change positions, but she'd put her hand in my chest and shove me back down then give me that nasty girl smirk. That was confidence to me, and I loved it that she took control sometimes.

[PAdreamer]

Hehehe... Vert makes a good point. Sometimes you just need to unleash yourself. I'm sure if you and your guy feel comfortable with each other, he would have no objections to you shaking things up a bit. Part of the romance is in variation, and even in YOU taking some control.

 

I know it's hard to bring yourself to do, but you REALLY need to talk about it. CASUALLY! Just say to him sometime during a flirtatious moment, "so baby... what if I wanted to...." And fill in the blank. Give him a little smirk and wait for his reaction. I bet the first thing he does is blush and/or get a huge grin on his face AND/OR go wide-eyed! But honey... If you can't talk about it with him, you shouldn't be sleeping with him. Being able to open up and talk about it is a sign of a lasting thing. Don't be scared of him. He cares about you. Talk it through. And if he understands that you have confidence issues, I'll bet he'd be willing to reassure you in any way you need!

[Shadows Light]

PADreamer is right. You have to be able to talk about it and be comfortable with him. LOL. Whisper sweet naughtiness in his ear.

 

Book... How to be a great lover... by Lou Paget..."Girlfriend to Girlfriend totally explicit tecniques that will blow his mind." - I got my copy at the library... lol. Excellent read. The key to confidence sweetheart is education. Educate yourself on how your body works and operates. Educate yourself on how his body works and operates. The more you know.. the more confident you will be. Confidence sometimes takes a long time to build.

 

Whenever you start to learn something new... arn't you hesitant and lack confidence until you learn to do it well... or by rote. Say riding a bike? You didn't ride well until you practiced. Or driving a car.. or what have you. Pick up a few good books and educate yourself on human sexuality. And you'll see your confidence soar. And there's nothing to be embarrassed about... once you've seen each other naked and swapped spit... hey, nothing is sacred. lol. oooooooohhhhhhhh and above all.. learn to laugh, giggle, and have fun. Be silly. Be creative. and Play.

[tinkerbell_79]

What if you just feel weird about verbalizing it? He says he wants me to talk to him during sex. He doesn't specify that I talk dirty, though thats the implication, I suppose.

 

He just says that it looses its sexiness when I don't say anything. Which is frustrating because I seem to have run into a problem with being able to relax and have an orgasm. I may get really freaking close but then loose it for a variety of reasons I've tried to explain. Nothing serious--just loosing focus.

 

And when I am really about as close as I am going to get I feel like my throat closes up and, to start I'm afraid if I start talking to him I'll loose it, and then, eventually it's like I'm so lost in the moment I really can't speak.

 

Can I just say that I'm not a screamer? Or is that not a good excuse?

 

I just don't feel like directing traffic when I'm having sex and everytime he asks, I just envision how rediculous the words (unrehearsed and coming from a place of limited understanding of what will make me happy from moment to moment) are going to sound coming out of my mouth.

 

Sigh. I'm such a freak! And I feel like even now, after all this time, I'm screwing it all up.

[Shadows Light]

OK... Tinkerbell... crash course. Can you ask BF to lead by example...does he talk to you?? ok... so what does he say to you?? can you mimic that but in reverse... can you whisper in his ear how he's driving you wild at that moment???

 

Telling him how much you love it when he does this... or how much you love it when he does that... ??? or how he's making you feel at the moment... lots of OMG's help.. lol....

 

I think since you've never done it...then a little goes a long long way....and with time it gets easier.

 

And let your voice go... if he touches a sweet spot... let him know you like it... like when you are eating ice-cream and it tastes sooooo good and you just want the sensation to go on forever..'hmmmmmmmmmm' and it doesn't have to be loud if its in his ear.... soft.....

 

If you talk to him... whisper in his ear....near his ear... its like telling the most intimate secret...and no one else will hear you..but him. Ok.... I'll give you an out of context example. Your BF is standing around with his friends at a party. You walk up to him and whisper in his ear... "I soooo want you." -so its quiet and no one hears but him. Or you whisper..."I need you... " or...."I want to feel you inside me...."

 

You can do the same in bed. Whisper it in his ear... and be playful.. giggle in his ear.. give him a "hmmmm" in his ear.

 

I guarentee... the response you get from him.. will make you want to whisper more sweet nothings in his ear. Its a huge huge turn on.

 

You have to remember... there are 5 senses we have... Sight ( he see's you and you are OMG sooo beautiful). Touch (he can touch you and he feels the silkines of your skin). Smell.. (he can smell the blend of perfume you wear and your chemistry. Taste (he can taste you...you skin, you lips, your essense)...and then hearing (he can hear the pleasure he gives you.) Its his HIGH sign that he's touching the right places, he's doing the right things. With your voice you guide him.

 

By doing this you stimulate all 5 senses. BTW.. if you are planning a seduction scene... think of all 5 senses. Music, (hearing). Candles (visual) Strawberries and whipped cream (Taste). Silk sheets (touch)

Insense (smell). Stimulating all 5 senses at the same time... makes them be focused...they can't be anywhere else... they are there. You are creating Magic.

 

Its not that hard....

Start out with the "hhhmmmms... that feels sooooo good" and then move on from there. Its like anything else... the more you do it.. the better you get at it.

 

And yes... I understand how you feel about being self-conscience. Been there myself. Its a skill you are learning... he's introducing you to another erotic pleasure. Believe me.... its a good thing. For both. Ask him to lead by example. If he's not doing it too... then yeah... I can see where you'd feel... wide open and vulnerable. Once you start...and you feel what its about... you won't lose focus... you will never be more focused in your life.

 

OK... what do you mean by focus??? are you concentrating on the sensation??? or are you somewhere else??? Meaning land of fantasy to help bring you over the edge... ??? ok.. then if this is the case... bring him into the fantasy... you don't have to open yourself up and tell him where you are... not until you are ready...but bring him in as far as sensation... give him the """ HMMMMMM that feels sooooo flippin gooooood". Make him the CHARACHTER in your fantasy world. It helps if you are wildly attracted to him... if your thinking about BRAD PITT... ok.. well... then you'll feel a little self-conscience... lol. But u don't have to tell him that. incidentally... if you have to think of Brad Pitt while... uhhh hmmm then maybe this guy is not for you. My opinion...my guy is right up there in my head playing havoc in my fantasy land. And THAT makes the experience sooo much richer.

 

Like I said... it becomes easier. You mentioned not being able to vocalize right before... going over the edge.. Thats ok... use it as foreplay to get you there... to get him there. And being a screamer... LOL. Sometimes, that comes with time. LOL.

 

PM me if you want... LOL. Let me know how it goes.

[PAdreamer]

Hun, I know how you feel. In my first sexual relationship, silence was the key. We never made a peep, because we were always in his mom's house and she was somewhere nearby.

 

So when I got together with my fiance, I was so used to being silent that it felt REALLY weird to make any noise whatsoever. Even a moan! Now, this sounds funny, but you want to know what helped me a lot? Phone and cyber sex. They force you to find the verbal and audible ways to express what your body is doing. We started with cyber sex, and it took me a while to feel like I could do anything right, but it started to work. Then we were brave enough to venture into phone sex. THAT was tough for me! It took MONTHS before I was able to get myself to throw out a word or two. And it wasn't even talking dirty! It was just your basic sexual noises- moaning, gasping, maybe an "mmmm that feels good"... In fact, it's only been just recently that I've been able to REALLY talk dirty to him!

 

You're not a freak. You think you're not a screamer because you're so uncomfortable. You're afraid you'll look or sound stupid. I didn't think I was a screamer either. But it turns out that making all the racket is a huge turn on for both him and me! You just have to be open to TRYING it. It's JUST like when you were new to having sex. You had to experiment a little, and you probably felt really weird and even embarrassed a lot of the time. But you did it and now you're more comfortable with it. It's exactly the same thing.

[Shadows Light]

PAYDREAMER.... Phone sex / Cyber sex......... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy.... I'm likig the sound of that...LOL.

 

Those are GREAT ideas !!!!

[PAdreamer]

They REALLY are! LOL! People think it's stupid, but if you're looking for ways to become more comfortable with being audible in bed, I think those are the best methods to try.

[OceanEyes]

And when I am really about as close as I am going to get I feel like my throat closes up and, to start I'm afraid if I start talking to him I'll loose it, and then, eventually it's like I'm so lost in the moment I really can't speak.

 

Can I just say that I'm not a screamer? Or is that not a good excuse?

 

Why can't you two live by the rule you climax, then he can. If you do first, then you can concentrate on helping him get over the edge after you've been able to focus on your own pleasure. I'm the same way, if I don't focus and concentrate on what's going on, I'd never get there. I think it's quite different for men, but I could be wrong.

 

I don't think that you should have to pull moves in bed that feel completely unnatural for you. I can say with full confidence, that there is NO WAY I could make myself talk dirty. Why? To pull of a porn star routine? In my opinion, sex should be something you feel and don't have to talk about during the actual act.

 

If you really don't feel comfortable, or natural, doing a particular thing in bed, it's never going to be a complete part of your lovemaking. Of course there are sacrafices to be made, but there has to be somewhere to draw the line if it's something you really aren't into.

[darkblue]

PAYDREAMER.... Phone sex / Cyber sex......... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy.... I'm likig the sound of that...LOL.

 

Those are GREAT ideas !!!!

 

wow.. Can't say i've tried it.. so I can't criticize.

[tinkerbell_79]

Thanks everyone for the advice.

 

We managed to get it together the other night, finally. I still feel a bit self conscious about talking dirty but it did help that he can be very patient and was helping me with some prompts to express myself. I guess the point is just to be more expressive in whatever way feels natural.

 

Ironically, I don't have any trouble making sounds. For some reason I feel like it's more just a natural response. Talking dirty seems to be something you have to bring up from within you--from a place of having knowledge of all the various things that will bring you pleasure at any one time. At this point, I just don't always know for sure. I just don't look forward to the "error" part of "trial-and-error" when I take a chance and tell him I want him to do such and such and it turns out that isn't working for me at that moment. It's a confidence thing.

 

I sometimes have trouble seeing the big picture and realizing that it will get better in time.

 

It will, right? We're not doomed to a life of declining sex life just because we didn't start the whole thing out, on each other all the time, like bunnies? I feel like I'm too young to be this much of a grandmother about sex.