I'm so alone that it hurts more everyday

[michael47023]

Hello all, My name is Michael and I am 32 y/o. I am divorced since late 1999. I have had several dysfunctional relationships shortly thereafter that all ended with hurt feelings. I have not had a real date since 2002. I have had a few netfriends that I attempted to get serious with, but all have utterly failed.

 

I help with a youth group and see how wonderful these kids are. I would like to have kids of my own someday, but first I know I need a partner. Fior years I have been the "nice guy" that is friends with many women, but I cannot attract them. (Unless you count women that want to date me so I can watch their kids while they go out)

 

Recently I invested 18 months getting to know a brilliant woman online. She was shy and wanted us to take it slow. I respected this. Things were great and we both had talked about meeting and dating. Then she just decided that we weren't a good match for friends or more. I was so used to talking to her that when she dumped me 3 months ago I was stunned. It hasn't gotten easier, but I have respected her wishes and have made no attempts to contact her.

 

I am terribly lonely now. Moreso than I ever thought I could handle. I smile and go about my days as if nothing is wrong, but I feel dead inside. Not just because of her, but because no one really wants to spend any time with me. I am alone most of the time. Women are not attracted to me.

 

Occasionally I have considered suicide, but I can't hurt the kids that look up to me or the people I love. If I could ever do it so they all thought it was an accident or not my own doing, I think I would do it. I ache inside all of the time. I don't feel the love of others. I see happy couples and hate them. Why can't I have love?

 

I must sound like a whiny loser, but this is the only way I can talk to someone about this.

 

How do other people cope with constant rejection? How do people go through life without love? I'm so lonely that I don't want to live anymore.

[mieshagirl]

You say you work with a youth group, so does this church have a "singles" group? There are activities maybe you can join for singles in your area. I would not look for relationships all on the net. Get out more maybe. Try doing things that boost your self confidence. Like, a new clothes, maybe a new haircut or something to that nature. Females are attracted to confident guys. Are you shy in public?

I don't know if I'm much help. But I do hope things get better for you. Someone will come along that you will fall in love with.

[Jetta]

Okay it sounds to me like you are just too nice. There's nice and there's walk all over you nice, and I'm sorry to say but you are the walk all over you nice. The main thing you need to do is start with saying NO. Oh you don't always have to say no, but when someone asks you to do something you'd rather not do, then say NO. You don't have to explain, but be firm. Create boundaries. Draw the line and stick to it, don't waver, don't bend, keep that line right where you drew it. That is why these women run away. They want a man who is going to be a man and not allow them to walk all over him.

 

Think about situations you've gotten into that you weren't really happy about. As in babysitting while they went out. Say NO, tell them they'll need to a hire a babysitter. You'll be happy to be the designated driver, but that's it.

[Mun]

Hello there,

Have you let you friends know that you are available and looking for someone? Don't be embarrassed about it, it's natural and very normal to want a mate. Alot of people meet their SO through mutual friends so get the word out. Also, go to each and every party, get together you are invited to...just get out there.

 

You could also join a group or take a class ( pottery, writing, etc) where there are likely to be single women. Just get a hold of the local paper and see what is available in your area.

 

Good luck!

[michael47023]

Thanks all.

 

I don't belong to a church, but am a Freemason, and the youth group is called DeMolay.

 

I feel now that I should have mentioned my size. I am 5'9" and weigh 380 lbs. Other than that I'm fairly average looking. My physical appearance seems to be unpleasant to most. My size is something I am working to correct.

 

Jetta, you are very right. I don't often tell people "No". I am more likely to rearrange my schedule to accommodate everyone in my life. I try to help everyone with anything they need.

 

I'll also admit that I am a fake extrovert in puiblic. I tell jokes and laugh, but I am always embarrassed or hurt if people don't react in the way that I expected. I generally look like an obnoxious braggart in the end.

 

I have let my friends know that I am looking. The problems are that I don't have many friends in my age range and those I do have are married. I have been put together with friends of my best friend/adopted sister Samantha, to the end of the let's be friends beat. Although many of the friends of friends that I have met and been rejected by have went on to the relationship that did end in marriage. So I must be inspiring people to not end up like me.

 

I appreciate all of your suggestions. Those that I can implement I will. I am hoping that I can at least get someone to listen to me from when I have a bad day, and for whom that I can do the same.

[mieshagirl]

Your welcome for the advice. I hope things get better for you. Maybe work on yourself first;only you can make yourself happy. And then other things will fall into place. Good luck.

[LIFE]

You can always try the internet...that's a good way of meeting people without being nervous.

 

The question is, have you ever been lonely before this? How about when you were younger? If you had made it through that, you can definitely make it through this. If you don't have true friends, you need to get closer to your relatives (cousins, nephews...etc..). Moving is probably a good choice if you feel that there is nothing left for you in your place.

[easyguy]

I haven't gone on a date in 18 years, but I love myself.

 

The general consensus is to be content with yourself first. Once you feel great about who you are, then nothing can stop you or cause you to feel irrevocable. Love the person you see in the mirror everyday. If you don't love who you are, then it is going to be all the more worrisome when things don't go the way you want after throwing someone else in the picture.

 

Have you considered online dating? It's the trend nowadays. I myself have hopped on the online dating bandwagon. It's not just for young people. EHarmony, Match, and PerfectMatch are good ones to check out.

[Blackmsmithdave]

You sound like a very nice person and a great guy. Try getting into the singles scene, or if you want look up speed dating things, there pretty good. Thje fact that you want kids is great, i know the feeling and although im not in the right place or at the right age to have kids, i cant wait. Getting atached to people over the net is possibley not the best way to meet people, they can be a bit 'strange'. The feeling of lonelyness canbe overcome by dedicating yourself to something, its a short term solution but if you are also in the dating scene it should help.

 

Lastly if you are a nice guy then someone will eventualy notice and things will be great between you both.

[Mun]

Hey I think it's great that you are working on losing the weight. I know how hard that is --just keep it up.

 

Do you jog/walk somewhere ? Here in my area there are tons of people walking the high school or junior high track. That's another place you could chat up someone.

[SkyFire]

Thanks all.

 

My size is something I am working to correct.

 

 

You must change. Life is what you make of it. You are 32, it is not too late to turn things around.

 

Research weight loss and start losing the weight. What is your job? Hobbies? If no hobbies, get some. If youre not happy with your job, go back to college and get the profession of your dreams.

 

Write down the qualities you have now, physical and personality-wise.

 

Write down what you want to be.

 

I wish you luck man. You can turn your life around.

[michael47023]

My physician has suggested that I look into bariatric surgery. But I am approaching it carefully. I've also decided that if it can't be done where I can recover from the surgery in a couple of weeks, then I don't want it done. My gall bladder surgery was so intense that I lost my job and my whole life(even though stagnant) was turned upside-down.

 

I have a BA in Liberal Arts with a double major in Theatre/History. I have self taught computer and graphic design skills. My hobbies are Freemasonry and mentoring youth in DeMolay. My passion in life is Apple Computers. I also enjoy watching TV series on DVD, so I can watch episodes in order and without commercials.

 

I am OCD & NPD. I suffer from generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and dysthymia. Some days I feel like I can do anything and can forget how lonely I am, until I see a couple. I understand that my ex-wife and I did not belong together. We were 2 very different people that just liked having sex. Too many of my relationships have been based on sex.

 

I had a terrible anxiety attack yesterday. Everything came to a head, and I lost it. All of my friends are married and most of them have kids. I don't begrudge them. I think they are doing great things by being good spouses and parents. It's tough seeing happy couples when I can't get a date.

 

After my anxiety yesterday I have had terrible headaches. I just woke up an hour ago and feel almost normal(for me).

 

I'd just like to thank all of you who have taken the time to give me suggestions and thoughts. I appreciate it very much.

 

My immediate plans are going to see my physician to follow up on surgery evaluation, and my therapist to see about a therapy group for folks in my situation. And of course I have to follow up on some job leads because I hate the purpose of my current job, raising people's taxes.