He broke up. He wants to talk. I'm not talking.

[Akua]

This is a long one, but I have not direction with what to think about him.

 

It was long distance for 1.5 years. Crazy passionate and first love for both. He pushed the relationship to move quickly. Talked about marriage, moving to be together, and children. He was constantly moving for owrk and had a 2 year committment to that. His next move was coming up. Right before he left he then broke up and said it was not fair to us to be long distance (meanwhile we were already). No conversation with me about our plans to be together, me moving to be with him even htough he asked me to a couple of weeks before he broke it off. He presumed a lot about how I would feel about the future and regretting it and wanted out. I cried but I didn't beg.

 

Sent him all his stuff the next day. Never said anything mean, but he was adament about making it clear that it was over as if I didn't agree with him. 2 months now since we broke it off and I still haven't talked ot him since then. He has tried calling immedately after we broke up and i didn't pick up. Texted messaged, I didn't answer. He wrote a letter 3 weeks later and gave a rationalized, logical reason for why I needed this to end and telling me how I should feel but never gave HIS reason. At the end of the letter he threatened that we wouldn't have a relationship in the future (ie. when he is done with his work commitment and can move to where I am) if I chose to hate him and never talk with him again. He also said he wouldn't contact me again if I don't want to talk. Once again, I didn't resond. 1 Month later (this week) he called "to see how I am and talk." I didn't answer. The next day forwarded me an forwarded email about what is important in life and how you should take a moment and send the email to people you care and love deeply. He sent it to only me.

 

What is he doing? Is he feeling guilty? Does he want to get back together? Is he just checking up on me as if I am not ok like all of his letters suggest how I will be? Any thoughts?

[misery12]

He realizes what he has lost, and wants it back.

It's not his choice, he ended it, his fault. Do what's best for you.

IF you want to get over him, keep doing no contact, and maybe block his number, and his account, so it's that much easier.

[Akua]

Well I dunno if he knows what he lost. maybe he already knew what he was losing when he broke it off? When he broke up it was about how much he loved me and i am his best friend. His letter said that my "unconditional love was a priceless gift htat made him feel infinitely worthy." And he is scared if I never call him back.

 

I am just numb. i mean I cried for 3 weeks straight and even now I will have moments of glory and then just my quiet times. What can I do? He didn't even give me a bone? Is he playing games? Did he freak out at the thought I would give up everything and move to where he was? I mean, I was dragging my feet at first bc to do that for someone they have to relaly be on the same page as you. Well he never talked with me about it until after he broke it off and sent me a letter telling me hwat he thought I was thinking, not asking, but telling.

 

I just get sick when he tries to contact me bc I have tried everything to get him out of my life and he tries to reinsert himself and breaks down what I have built up by leavin gme wondering WHY.

[misery12]

If he's causing you to post on here, in misery.. then why do you really want him in your life. What benefit does he bring? You haven't talked to him in quite a long time.. why not just block whatever contact he can still make with you, and get on with your life?

[MiquelAngelo]

He's probably kicking himself because maybe he thought you would act differently and ask (or beg) him to come back. When he saw you weren't doing that he realized what a fool he was. (of course he'd never admit it).

[yokohama_mama]

It sounds like he's toying with you, like he enjoys manipulating your feelings. He wants out of the relationship, but he also wants the ego boost of knowing how much you care for him. It seems like he expected a bigger reaction when he broke up with you, wanted you to cry and beg him to stay.

 

I think you're doing the right thing not having contact with him. He'll give up eventually and you'll feel better day by day.

[Akua]

You all are very right. I know that is what he is doing. But even though it appears I don't want anything to do with him, I have to be honest. I want him to come forth and say that he messed up and wants to try again. We were eachothers first love and one random day he ends it even though we were crazy for each other up til then...he even talked about our future children the week before he broke up!! I am sure, though, if he ever did admit that this was wrong and wants to start again, I will say no. I just want that choice. That chioce he never gave me bc he told me exactly what was going to happen and how I should feel about breaking up and never discussed our relationship with me. But the way he is acting now is only making me not like him. If he is doing this to just get a rise out of me, what a mean person! How absolutely manipulative and mean. It's not obvious mean, but he is playing with my head. When he let me down, I gracefully bowed out and went my own way, but he is still there showing his ugly side and ruined any future together.

[Kookie]

All I have to say is that I admire you for your strength because I would've caved and talked to him. In time, you'll recover from any hurt or sadness and then feel ready to talk to him.

[Akua]

Thank you Kookie. I appreciate that. My no contact rule is keeping me in control a little. You know, it's my way of reinstating my dignity. I think it helps to see it that way.

 

My question is: Will there be a point when I want to talk with him? Does that mean I am ready? Ready for what? to be rejected again?

 

I mean there are times I want to call him like the good ol' days, but that is fading. Now there are times I just want to yell at him and ask WHY? There are times I want to get it through his head how much it hurts when he contacts me and doesn't let me know whether it's bc he wants me the gf or he wants to make sure he's not hated. Sometimes I just want to contact him and make him hate me so I don't feel like i have to hold out waiting for his next effort to talk with me. And sometimes I just want him to know everything that i have thought since we broke up. It's like all the thinking and discussion before you actually broke up never happened with us, and now after the fact he wants to talk about it.

 

If i get to that point of wanting to talk to him, do I tell him these things? I guess. what is the point of talking after it is over? I guess it's hard to imagine that 2 people who loved eachother so much will never talk again. I just don't get it. Does it help me heal to tell him all this? If it did help someone out there, then I'll try it.

[Akua]

So after reading many of other people's threads, I realized I shouldn't do anything until he specifically says "XYZ". I feel like everytime he contacts me it sets me back so far. I had a month without him in my life. It was hard, but I was chugging along. and the best part was his communiaction completely threw the ball in my court and was very matter of fact and it was nice and tidy to forget. So why is a random call followed up by a forwarded email so much different? At first it seemed great, even everyone's saying how great the NC is that I am doing (see above). Then I realized, just bc he is communicating with me doesn't mean he wants me in his life. After having a serious relapse of feeling the break up all over again this weekend and getting no sleep, not eating, and really not doing well, I woke up today in a pursuit to block his number form my cell. Not bc I am worried i will call him, I'm too stubborn, but bc as long as I know he can get to me, I'll wait for him, just like he asked me to. Well, shortly after arriving ot work I found out it virtually impossible to block individual numbers on your phone unless you change your number...and he's not worth that. But the fact that I am ready to accept that sort of change is HUGE improvement. THe sick thing is though, I have also for the first time really wanted him back. YIKES! What is happening. what am I going through? Is this the last great hurl, and then I let go. PLease god let that be it. All I know is that there wasn't any closure. We had a 10 minute fight the night before we broke up. Didn't talk all day. The next evening we had 2 hour break up conversation on the phone. BUt we did not tlak about any substantial reason why we broke up, just being like "what do you wan?" "It's fo rthe best" "when we canbe together..." But no "You do XYZ" or "I want ABC" Or not even an "I just want to explore." NONE OF THAT. NOw I have some thigns to say, maybe that's the difference? Maybe he has something too?

But regardless if anyone wants to read the last thing he communicated to me I will post it below. Keep in mind it's one of those forwarded emails and i used to get hose every couple of months from him. He always called himself a "stupid guy" when he messed up saying that he didn't know any better. Part of me wants to think the stupid guy in him sent me this not knowing that I would read into every detail, while he is actually just trying ot say "i care about you." Either way, I got back up to my first post--how mean, really mean. Let me know what you think. He emails:

 

My mom sent me this....

 

'I Hope You Dance... '

 

This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend.

 

Dear Bertha,

 

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring

the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.

 

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not

to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

 

I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every

special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the

first Amaryllis blossom.

 

I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous,

I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my

good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware

store and tellers at the bank.

 

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my

vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.

 

I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be

here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I liketo think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatevertheir favorite food was.

 

I'm guessing; I'll never know.

 

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew

my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that

I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell

my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm tryingvery hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughterand luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myselfthat it is special.

 

Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.

If you received this, it is because someone cares for you. If you're too

busy to take the few minutes that it takes right now to forward this,

would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a

difference in your relationships? I can tell you it certainly won't be

the last.

 

Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to

let them know that you're thinking of them.

 

"People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't

need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there."

 

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might

as well dance

[Akua]

I realized I don't want HIM back...I want the idea of love back. I don't want him back...he made me feel so bad about myself. I was reading gradle's post of her break up and somewhere her ex mentioned he missed her indepedent and strong side. I wonder if that is how my ex felt. He treated me like that. I got soo weak each month I was with him. I was such a strong indepedent woman. Seriously...with him though, I felt never good enough. Why would I want him back? And with the break up even...he made me feel like i was begging for him. I admit, the first night, literally when he first said i think it should end, I said one time and immediately regretted it that i would try harder, but I didn't even know what I would try harder at...we never said what the problem was. How stupid I feel about that. Stupid. That is so below me. Anyone who brings me to that state is not good for me. But there was none of me begging, but him asking during the breakup conversation over the PHONE if I will periodically visit him (ie 2 hour plane flight) and sleep with him. I said i wouldn't disrespect myself llike that. And frankly I am shocked that he had the nerve to ask me that. And you know what? He got mad at me for being shocked!!!!

 

I like to be really logical when I get hyper emotional which seems like an oxymoron. But there has got to be a solution to my emotions!!! So I started really seeing this break up like a death. And there are the 4 stages of grieving that I can relate my emotions to. I went through the whole denial the first 2 weeks. I seriously thought he was off his rocker and would come back (technically I still do feel that way, but not bc I am dying for him, but i just know him and I pity him for what he will end up doing to see me again. Clearly he is already on that path). Then I went through the anger process. Man that felt GREAT. I got so angry with him. I sitll am but more under control. I ripped up his pictures and put what i oculd in a box. Wen t out and had FUN! Now that is taming down. Now that he called me and emailed me I have actually been able to see thorugh my anger and actually contemplate having a conversation with this man. But then that just depressed me. I was facing reality. Depression is the worst and I am struggling with it now. Well, returning to my "you can fix everything" attitude, I remembered the next stage of grieving is being sad and idolizing the good times in your relationship. Granted I go through all the stages back and forth, but they primarily have followed this course thus far. So my hope of getting out of the depression is to know the next and final stage is acceptance. I am getting there people. I am getting there. I feel the wind and smell the fresh air that is coming form the end of the tunnel. I can almost see the light...and no it is not another train. So that is keeping me on track. Depression in this sense is accepting reality at its rawist point.

 

Finally answering all my questions above, when I have completely accepted this sitauation, then I am ready to talk with him and answer his communication and accept what is said. I have resolved myself to be at that point by the next random call I get from him. I WILL answer it. However, he may not call again...having understood my subtle hints that i am done with him, but if that is the case, then I don't need him in my life. That is acceptance. And I will be there soon. I also have a set a date for myself. So if he doesn't call by then, then that day (the day which I am volunteering for this totally awesome project on conflict and negotiation in africa) I will be on my way. So long buddy! Now is my turn to blow in the wind.

[Akua]

I don't have much to say today. I almost started crying at work...man I haven't been this bad in a month and half. then I realized I didn't have my coffee today! HA! The good thing though is that as much as I hate the management at my work, I realized that as long as I keep busy I am ok. It's when I have absolutely nothing to do, be it at work or at home, then i start feeling horrible. People keep saying that at a certain point I will just wake up one day and be sick an dtired of feelingsad and be done with it. That is why i just have to let myself feel it all right now. Get it all out of my system and stop trying ot be tough and in control. BC then I will finally be ready to move on. It's like the army, the break you down to build you back up stronger. I just need to break the self I became for him down and build the self I want me to be up. And also, people say that as soon as you feel like everything has gone wrong and there is no hope, something in another part of your life starts to shine. I'm at the bottom people. I hate work, I don't know any people here, and I have been dumped. But I know, soemthing is going ot happen. I smell it.

 

I was reading regret1's post and it made me feel bad. She was stringing him along with her NC. I don't want to play those games. But i also don't know what I want. ANd I also was sooooo good to my ex. I mean, part of me thinks that he knew how bad he treated me and was doing me a favor or reading my subconscience. I guess that shows how good of friends we became and maybe that is all we should have been. But i find it so intereting that when it really comes down to it, he can be that great friend, but just on a daily basis he could have given a damn about being good to me. IT was all just about maturity. He loves me so much. But he really just doens't have a clue on what that really means. Part of me thinks that he's never really had a true friend before. So he got that from me, but he never learned how to be one in return. I never asked for it either. It makes me sick to know that after all of this he will know with his next gf how to be what he wasn't with me. When my mom and dad divorced my mother always said, the first wife spends her whole life trying to make him the man he should be and the second wife gets to enjoy that man he became. That's how I feel in a nutshell. And the thing that sucks even more is his reason for breaking up with me was that I am too ambitious of a woman to follow him and and wait for him while he is traveling all the time that i will be miserable. Well, as far as I see it, ambitious people are miserable when they don't succeed. I didn't succeed at getting him to love me and be his best friend and that makes me feel miserable. He is wrong about me--an ambitious woman isn't miserable because she is in some little town in the middle of nowhere and can't live her dreams bc she is waiting for him. An ambitious woman makes her dreams wherever she is and does it well. Well I've learned the hardest thing for an ambitious woman is to accept defeat. But I will get the love i deserve and the best friend I want whether it is him or not. All I know is I've followed my mother's footsteps and fell in love with a man just like my father and taught him everything he needs to know. I'm glad this happened now instead of in my marriage, but I sure as hell am afriad to do it again. I can't worry anymore about why he didn't want me anymore. It wasn't about me...clearly. And now it's no longer about him. I just need to finish up this healing and continue being ambitious. The good thing is if I had not had this experience I wouldn't know what to be ambitious for in my love life. Before him, I was so scared of being close with someone. I mean, geez, what if i ended up lik emy mother. well, i did. so what else can go wrong? nothing. I'm glad I did bc now I can even take my ambition into my love life. How can you get what you want if you don't go after it, right? I was always sitting and waiting for someone to break down my walls, and well, he did and he broke all of me with it too. So I gotta keep busy and, I know, each day I will get stronger and better. I just pray that one day he understands what he did and how it made me feel so bad about myself. I also just pray that he doesn't feel sorry for me and think i am feeling pathetic. Sometimes that's why i htink he tries to contact me...to make sure I am ok. I hate feeling other people's pity. If i am such an ambitious woman, give me enough respect to know that i am just fine whether i am crying or not. I know myself better than he will ever knwo himself and I KNOW i am doing exactly what I should be and I am damn proud of it.

[Ripples]

Akua,

 

Im so sorry you are going through this.

 

I have no real words of wisdom for you accept to say take your time to heal.

 

Like you I have gone through the mill with my emotions following a break up in December last year. Several times she has contacted me since then saying that she misses me and wants to see me etc but each time she failed to deliver. The emotional damage her behaviour has had is inexcusable but one thing is for sure - she doesn't care. Once she knew i still cared she vanished.

 

Actually to be more accurate she is incapable of caring because she is totally fixated by her own self. I have tried so hard to understand why one minute she was there and the next minute she was gone. It has been a tough learning process but one thing that comes throug very clearly is that there are people amongst us who may suffer from personality dissorders. In fact most people have personality disorders its just that some people suffer more than others.

 

You and I have hang ups of some sort, that is why we come on here. I am what they call "codependant". She, I believe has narssisstic personality disorder. She is unable to display empathy. My whole relationship with her was a lie. She didn't exist, she just reflected someone she thought I wanted in my life. This act is not sustainable. Eventually the charade has to stop and the real person appeared. Coping with this is where the pain comes from for me. Imagine falling in love with a reflection! from what you have said about your ex he appears to have displayed similar behaviours.

 

Im not saying this is the same for you but you must appreciate that peoples behaviour occurs for a reason that is 100% linked to their upbringing. Normal relationships dont just end for no reason. Relationships end beacuse of a mutual decision that the relationship isn't working. For one person to make this decision on their own is not a normal, healthy thing. Him contacting you Im afraid to say is what they call in the trade as "hoovering". He feeds off the fact that he still has control over your emotions. He is not doing this because he wants you back. If he wanted you back he would do it in a way that was consistent with healthy, emotionally balanced people.

 

Do not ever acknowledge him again. Find a stable partner who understands true love (warts and all) and build a relationship that you can trust.

 

By the way, his behaviour is not becasue you failed him. Unless he faces up to his emotional inadequacies he will be running from love for a very long time.

[Akua]

Ripples...

 

All I can say is...word. I agree. I know he is not good for me. I know especially in the next six months it would be long distance and there is no point for me to even consider something with him. I know that after six months he will be out of the country for another six months and i woudl have been in this sort of situation eventually. I know that I woudl be suffering much more if he was in the same city as me and probably trying to get in contact with me all the time. And I thank god that he is not here. And I think my biggest emotion is the feeling that I am not good enough...not that i miss him. I am very angry with how he treated me and I know he is not good for me and it's not me. And I know that the day we talk, I coudl have the opportunity to say all those things, but I have taken the high road from the beginning and I will continue to and some things are better left unsaid. It's about me now. I know in a few months I am going ot be great and I am alreay half way there. I feel no worse than I did in the relationship when he wasn't there and I would analyze all the things that he's done that upsets me. For me it was just a year and half long break up that is finally official. There really wasn't ever a relationship bc that takes 2 people.

[Ripples]

You are thinking well.

 

The pain will go but it does drag out. You have been emotionally raped and healing may take longer than you anticipated. be strong.

 

Best of luck to you.

[misery12]

I just read this whole post, and it took me awhile, but I did it because I was interested and it relates to me.

 

My ex, seems to have what Ripples ex had.. she doesn't show any emotions really, or signs of caring. She used to, back in January/Febuary but that's just because I think she didn't know me too well, and was attracted to me because I was the 'older' guy.

 

Months passed and her true self came out, I started hearing things that she said about me behind my back, and found out she would ask her friends to come over, after I invited her over, so she wouldn't have to hang out with me.

 

She ended up breaking up with me, saying she wanted to be friends, and then told her friends I was clingy/needy.. etc.. yet I haven't initiated contact with her for 2 solid weeks, and she's always the instigator.. and im needy?

 

I really feel as if I was attracted to a reflection as well, also I basked in the hope that my ex would be like her sister is in her relationship, funny, loving, caring... nope, it seems she only cares for herself, and thinks even now she is in control of my feelings.

 

Her birthday is in 2 days, and I was planning on having a surprise party for her.. but guess what.. she doesn't deserve it from me. Surprise. But, im not going to tell her, because that will just make me appear sour, she'll eventually find out sometime.. and that will hit her like a load of bricks.

 

The thing is, Do you think I should write her a short little funny poem for her birthday about some of the funny things we've been through?

We used to always write funny poems to each other ,and I think if I write it correctly, it will just seem that I'm making a nice gesture and not make her think im "obsessing" with her.

[Ripples]

If you contact her in any way you will only be giving her "narcisstic supply". This will only reinforce her behavioural pattern of abuse towards you. You have been a fly stuck in her web. She has sucked everything she needs from your emotions and you thereforeeee, in her mind have nothing left to give. She has rendered you useless. She keeps coming back to you not because she loves you but because she needs to suck a bit more approval and admiration from you so she can feel good about herself.

 

You must must must remember that she is an aparition. the love you thought you had didn't exist and never will. This most bizarre of situations is what stuns us into the emotional wrecks that we are. It is quite unreal.

 

Silence is the only way to show her that you are no longer a source of supply for her. In time she will give up and disapear for good. If she loved you she would show empathy towards you ie a healthy interest in how you feel as a result of her frigging cranky actions. But she will not because she cant!

 

Whatever you do, do not contact her and When she comes running for supply, run faster!

 

Narcissus didn't love himself he loved his reflection!

[misery12]

You're good man, that made me feel better, a lot better.

What do I do when she contacts me though, should I just close it out?

 

I have this thing on IM, that shows me when people are reading my away message, and so far, she's read mine 2 times since I got up 45 minutes ago. I haven't read hers once, (she can see when I do).

 

The thing is, I keep my away message as things like "gone out with friends" .. or "well that was fun", "fun night" and sometimes she's like "what was fun?".. and then I tell her what I did.

 

I don't know if this is the right approach or whatever. I know that she has no idea what love is, and she ran from me because she knew I was REAL.

I treat women the way they should be treated, and she took my generousity for granted, and that's HER fault.

[Ripples]

First you must decide what you want. Do you want her back? Do you want to break free and move on?

 

Sounds to me that you are agitating your own emotional state by exposing yourself to opportunity that will allow you to interact with her in any way possible. And that can only mean one thing...

 

If you want out, Stop dancing with her.

 

One other point that may make you think - and you wont like it so be prepared.

 

Buying gifts may be construed as a form of abuse!

[Akua]

Ok, I have alittle bit to say here regarding a whole bunch of thigns brought up in your replies.

 

I do think that it makes such wild crazy things as emotions tamable by understanding them through behavior types, but going so far as saying they have a personality disorder is going a little far. I thik it is just as extreme as just breaking up with someone and not giving them a reason why. Of course they wouldn't say anything bc you are quick to judge them and say they have a disorder. My feeling is that people have PERSONALITIES, but they don't have disorders. People are raised with different behaviors in dealing with things and these behaviors can clash as Ripple suggested. The thing about relationships and poeplein general is that we are growing thinking changing human beings. With everyone on this site and all the people in the world, i think that is the common characterisitic...they people grow and there are times you just don't know what to do or what is right and it sounds like me and everyone else from the dumpers to the dumpees are all jus tnot knowing what to do and this whole process is about growing and learning about ourselves....not catagorizing one another in disorder boxes that you are stuck in until you become the "right" person. There is no "right" there is however what is right for you.

 

Finally, I think the biggest problem in relationships is communication adn that is why it hurts so much. If we aren't communicating the human imaginative mind is left to wonder all the possibilities from evil to wonderful of waht was going on in that other person's mind. There are different levels of maturity that allow for different levels of communication and just bc someone isn't there yet or may never be does not mean that they or you have a disorder. THey are human and that is the only disorder we all have.

 

I certainly don't think I was "codependent" I jsut wanted tocommunicate and understand and I was ready for that. Ripple explains a lot of that very well. But I certainly don't think I am a copdependent personality disorder when the man I love breaks up with me with many of these random reasons: "I feel like you will just keep being fed up with me until I do something about it" or "I am just afraid you are gonig ot leave me" or "I worked so hard to break you walls down." You see? It's all about perspective and communication. Otherwise you are left going to these existential thougths about human and what is right and wrong. Just know what is right or wrong for you. My posts have been me thinking baout hwat I really want.

 

Misery12. Think about what you want. Do you want to be treated those ways? Do you? Then don't contact. Don't do it. You are done. She is just as miserable as you are right now. She is human, not a disorder. Remember that, adn take the strength that you put into you relationship with her back into you. Move on. Life is short and play hard. as long as you like and KNOW yourself and what makes you feel good, then you are doing what's best for you. But remember you can't be happy with anyone and they can't be happy with you, if you aren't happy with yourself. DO NOT TALK TO HER ANY MORE. One day we will all be strong enough to realize there are other thigns that are good for us and we will be able to see this perosn as another hopping stone in our lives. Just feel it now.

 

What do I know, right? But I think you all have just made me understand it all. I'm done and moving on.

[Ripples]

Akua,

 

I hear what you are saying. Ive just read back over my posts and it does sound as though I label everyone as having some crazy whacky approach to life. I apologise for that.

 

I can only speak of my own experiences which in hindsight needed clarification in order for me to heal and move on. I didn't jump to conclusions re what casued her issues. She informed me on much of it. I just had to dig deeper for a greater appreciation as to why.

 

I agree with you that it is all about the self but in order for this to happen I for one have to learn to put boundaries up that protect my self from being exploited. Being codependant with no boundaries only exposed me to exploitation. I feel desperatly sorry for her and her issues but my own self preservation is so important now. I would encourage anyone on this site to really look at themselves rather than their ex's. I do still believe that although there are "personalities", people deserve to be treated with dignity when their delicate emotions are so exposed and fragile.

 

I hope this makes sense.

[Akua]

Ripples

 

I was reading your posts as you mentioned and it seems that your ex did have some issues. that doe ssuck, but i am just sensitive to disorder labeling as my paretns did it through out much of their 25 year hateful marriage and it ended up carrying over to my sister who they decide had ADD at age 17 after so many bad experiences that were an obvious sign of a child needing positive attention away from a disrupted household. That just messed her up even more and my parents finally got divorced. What I am saying and what i have learned is.....these behaviors and your ex's are all some kind of insecurity. My sis has no self-confidence. bulimia is no self confidence. my ex lying to me about who he was jsut like your ex and is a result of no self confidence. just as me willing to put up with it is my no self confidence. That is how I see it. And I jsut fight oh so hard to keep away from "name calling" bc it caused a lot of disaster for those close to me.

 

After reading your stuff though, I feel like I have gone through a lot of what you were feeling. Some of the things you were questioning are right on the spot where I am now. I haven't contacted my ex bc I am afriad it will be empty promises just like you found out. I like how you handled yourself with her and I wish I did pick up all those times with him but I was definitely afraid I woudl be gullable into his manipulative ways. At one point in your post you said something that cought my eye...you didn't know you were being manipulated and she didn't know it either. That is a very good point. very good. I see it that way with my ex. I saw what he was doing, but I just hoped, and he reflected that, that he woudl cahnge to what he said he would. So my question to you would be, if you could do it all over again...would you answer her calls and act very simple as you did waiting for her to come through? I mean, did you need that to see waht you really wanted? I mean, could you have moved on without doing that? I have no clue what my ex wants. He wants me in 2 years when he is done with everything. He ahasn't said he wants me back, but he is calling. I am pretty sure I can walk away, but I just thouht that looked so dignified that you talked maturely and let her lead the way...even if she failed.

 

It was long distance for you too? That just makes everything even more complicated.

[CATLOVER]

I think you are spot on when you said you miss the idea of love not specifically him. I broke up with someone a month ago and know it was for the best as he was just not ever going to be a good choice for me. Mostly I feel good about my choice but even so still have a big sob my heart out session here and there. When this has happened Ive asked myself how I can be so upset about losing someone who was just not that nice really and I realised my grief is more about losing the possibilty of love.....anyway I applaud you on no contact, Ive done the same and also had him calling all the time but I dont answer because I just cant. I am not ready to talk to him...i know id still get upset and i know he would be saying all this stuff to try to win me over.....

[Ripples]

Would I do it all again?

 

The pain of the last 8 months has left me completely numb - I had no idea what was happening. It was like lambs to the slaughter every time. (thank you Dr Lecter)

 

When she came back I genuinely thought it was because she was ready to start again. I thought that she had made the conscious decision that I was indeed worth fighting for. In my naivity I really thought that it was that straightforwards. To be manipulated, lied to and rejected all with no compasion is utterly inexcusable. On top of that she still hasn't had the strength to tell me why. I have in effect been hung out to dry. It is emotional torture and i'm afraid not just the actions of someone with no self confidence, that is too convenient in my case.

 

So I had to find something that would allow me to make sense of it, and I have.

 

Like you I think I had fallen in love with love. The sad thing is that is was my ideal of love not the reality of love. It was in essense my own reflection I had fallen in love with because that is all she was capable of doing - reflecting my love, not giving her own genuine love. This unfortunately is not the behaviour of a well balanced individual and like it or not, I have to accept that she falls slap bang into the clutches of "personality disorder".

 

I understand that everyone is different and situations are different but for me I am now healing at a far greater rate because i have something coherent to work with. If I had known "why" in December last year I would definelty have healed much quicker.

 

All I would say to the lost souls like me who continually keep posting on this site is stop trying to fathom out the unfathomable by applying the basic "I loved her and she loved me but then she didn't" approach. There are reasons that we have all been hung out to dry. For me, rather than accept that there is nothing I can do I needed to find an answer that would act as the catalyst for my recovery.

[Akua]

You said, "The sad thing is that is was my ideal of love not the reality of love. "

 

I disagree. My experience has made me aware of what I want love to be. thereforeeee I will go out and make it that way and the person that is willing to be on my page or has the same page of "the reality of love" is right for me. But I now know I can't wait for that to happen to fit whatever reality is. I am going to go after what I want. I am not giving up on that and what I deserve. Love shouldn't hurt and I will not longer see love as someone who needs to break down my walls, but rather someone who makes me want to take them down.

 

I cut off all my hair tonight. It's naturally curly and after a while dating my ex he kept telling me to grow it out and keep it straight and long. It was 5 inches below my shoulder....I can't keep it in a ponytail now. I love my curls and I would rather have a big ol' fro than change who I am for another person again. The reality of love is that no matter what, he will love me for who I am bc that is who I love. and my curls (boing boing).