I really messed up and lost my bf of 6 yrs-Want him back!!!!

[Miahni]

Help! The condensed version (details are further below for better understanding of the situation): Basically my boyfriend of 6 years (engaged the last 2 years) just broke up with me July 6th. He said he was done, he's tired of working on things, and he's not happy with me and he's moved on.

 

He says he has been unsure about us for about a year now, but he was still struggling on deciding whether we could be together because he did really want to be with me and loves me more than he could express - he was expressing this to me only just a couple of weeks before the break-up and he has done things like add my name to his chequing account just a month before the break-up, so why would he do that if he really didn't want to be with me.

 

I know he's drained because of me. However, he is also dealing with depression over the loss of his beloved grandma, so he is also cold and has a given up attitude. I was pretty mean to him over the years, controlling, confining, having double standards, demanding, reversing the blame on him, putting him down. I don't know why I behaved that way, I think partly becasue I have friends who think the female should always have the upper hand, etc. but I make no excuse.

 

I accept full responsibility for my behaviour and how I treated him. However, he has also hurt me, he cheated on me (internet sex chat/sesssion) a few times that I know of in the last 2 years. I was not aware of this until we were going through our rocky state. I am absolutely devastated because I feel completely at fault for losing such a great guy. I have learned my lessons now and want to show him I have learned and it will be different.

 

I want to show him that I recognize what I have done and win him back because with what happened; losing him, it really opened my eyes to my despicable behaviour - I now truly realize my faults and mistakes in how I behaved towards him, but I truly believe our relationship can work and that our love and relationship is special and worth saving. He says he will always love me, but our love is "beyond us" now.

 

But I think his decision was swayed...two new women magically appeared the day after our argument and one of them likes him and they together persist in enticing him out every single night, constantly phoning/im him and he has been spending the nights out with them. He has also told him all our problems and they of course aren't encouraging him to work things out with his long-term girlfriend as they have other motives. Anyway, because of this, I am not sure how to proceed at showing him I understand and am truly remorseful now when he has moved on and says he's happy (because of these women)...

 

Any thoughts, suggestions would be appreciated. He is also a bit on the stubborn side, so not sure if NC would work...

 

 

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The details for those who want to understand the whole situation...

The history:

 

I met him at work 6 plus years ago, he is younger by 5 years and was very interested in me and pursued me for quite awhile. Also, I am Asian and he is Caucasion. I wasn't sure about being in a relationship with him at the time, but he was patient because he said he loved me and we spent a lot of time together as friends because I was going through work difficulties. Eventually it became evident that we were more than just "friends" because we had grown so close and were getting more involved with one another. So after 6 months of being "friends", I talked to him and said if he was willing to give up Nova Scotia (where he is originally from), that I would be willing to start a relationship with him. He agreed and I know that was a huge sacrifice for him and I haven't forgotten that.

 

He was a very sweet and romantic guy and that's one of the reasons I feel in love with him. He was always doing sweet things that I know he took the time to plan out. He made me feel so special. He was also mature in the relationship despite his age (I met him when he was 21 and I was 26). Yet I don't know why and I am definitely not making excuses for this, but I was so mean to him. I don't know why I treated him the way I did when he was so good to me. I don't know if it's because I knew he was completely in love with me and I had friends tell me it's good when the guy loves you more and that the guy has to do whatever you say, and so I pushed his boundaries to see how much he really loved me. I treated him like dirt and I am very ashamed and completely remorseful of this.

 

I was so demanding, critical, and mean and said and did a lot of things that hurt him. I was so hard on him even if he did something sweet, I ended up making him feel it wasn't good enough or he wasn't good enough when he really was more than good enough for me. For example, the engagement ring had a flaw in it and I critized him for it when you know I should have been so happy he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I also didn't tell my family we were engaged because he was still trying to find a good permanent job. I wanted to wait until he got one before I told my mom because I didn't want her to disapprove saying he couldn't aford to take care of me etc. (My mom's very critical). Then I made him return the ring because of the flaw and because I had chipped it and I didn't want him to be in debt for it.

 

That's another factor in our relationship is that I loaned him a large sum of money to help him out while he was in school and afterwards while he was finding work. He didn't want the money, but I forced it on him because I didn't want him to have to pay interest. I was thinking in his best interests, but I realize now that was a bad mistake because I think it created unbalance in the relationship and definitely caused a lot of fights because I would criticize him for spending money on things that weren't necessary (like making almost daily purchases at the convenience store, or paying for cab rides to school). He would lie to me about them, but when I found the receipts I would get so upset. I guess he felt so controlled about what he could or couldn't do and he said he was afraid to talk to me.

 

I don't know why and I have no excuse for how I treated him, but I truly recognize now how wrong I behaved and I am completely sorry. I want to show him I definitely have learned my lesson and that I did and still love him completely throughout all this time even though I definitely didn't make him feel that way. I know he felt like I didn't think he wasn't worth it and that he wasn't good enough for me just from how I treated him. I don't blame him, I really shot him down and made him feel bad. I criticized him all the time and near the end was very difficult to deal with because I took my stress out on him and I understand now I shouldn't have. I was unhappy and stressed at work and at home as I have a very critical mom and I took it out on him when I should have leaned on him. I was also mean to him about his diabetes. I would get upset whenever he wasn't feeling well, like throwing up, or having to miss work or an outing because he wasn't feeling well. I don't know why I did that, I should have been more loving and understanding when he was sick and hurting. I am so ashamed at how I behaved and did not realize how bad I was until what happened and realized what a great guy I had. I took for granted he would always love me so much and that he was always going to be with me and I am so sorry I took that for granted.

 

He also hurt me, as he is very sexual and I guess liked to please himself using porn sites ususally during times we were fighting. I was very upset with him the first time I found out he was doing this because I thought it was disrespectful to me. Other times I would find porn sites in his internet browser history and asked him calmly if he was looking at those sites and to just tell me the truth, that I won't get mad, but will respect him if he just tells me the truth, but he still lied. I found out later that he was on those sites, but I would have been fine had he just told me.

 

 

What happened recently:

 

Anyway, we had a fight May 29. He works night shift until 10:30pm and I work during the day. He normally calls me by 11pm and I was cranky because of my mom and I called him up on his cell while he was leaving and rudely demanded he talk to me now when he said he would call me when he got home. Like I said, I have behaved like a selfish person during this relationship and I have learned, I just want the chance to show him I know now. Anyway, I said a lot of mean things and hung up on him which his friend may have heard as they were walking home together. Then I called him back and then he called me back and hung up on me and then I called him back again and he hung up on me again because he thought I insulted his grandparents (whom he is really close to and adore).

 

So I didn't see him for a week after that fight. But in the meantime, I came accross some sex chat logs when I went on his computer. Anyway, the day after our fight, he met some young single women at work. One of them I suspected liked him. They kept inviting him out and he had gone out with them every night of the week we didn't see each other. They would get off at 11:30pm and hang out until 6am or even 8am in the morning. Every night. Finally, I had to talk to him and ask him about the sex chat logs because it really hurt me, and I went to find him and found him at Humpty's with the women. I didn't know at the time he was spending so much time with them. He was a bit cold, but still introduced me as his girlfriend.

 

We went to talk that night and then we started working on things for about a week and a half until we had another fight because I had found more stuff - like flirty messages on another chat room and that he signed up for a singles site and sent flirty messages. The women he flirted with are Asian as am I. Anyway, I had found this stuff at work and I was so hurt and upset I went to his place to confront him (2 hours before he had to work his night shift and he hates to be woken up early, but I couldn't wait, I was so upset). So in this fight he basically said that he doesn't think he wants a girlfriend. And that upset me and I asked he if loved me and he started crying and I asked him why and he said because he tried to lie and say that he didn't love me to make it easier, but that he couldn't lie, because he does love me. Anyway, we both had to go to work, but as he walked away he said I Love You. Then later on, he called me at work to see if I made it ok and I said yeah, but that I was sad, and that's when he said he had to go. So I messaged him a couple times to please answer whether he loved me and he said he does love me, and that's why it hurts him so much to see me this way and that I don't deserve him. I said I was sorry and he said he was sorry, for not being better for me and even to me and for me trying when he just isn't in it. I asked him not to give up on us, that we could work this out and he said he needed to think. But then he phoned me later on (he always calls to say his special goodnight wish for me) and said he does love me. And I asked if I could still be his girlfriend while he was thinking. He said yes. I asked if I was still his fiancee also and he said a softer yes. Then the next day was Friday and he called me as he usually does in the morning to wake me up. And then he called me before he left work as he usually does, but asked about whether he left his umbrella in the car and I said yes he did and that I was sorry and he said don't be sorry. I said I was scared and he said don't be scared and then said he had to go.

 

Then I didn't hear from him that night and the next day I messaged him and I noticed that instead of the usual I Love You, it's love you too which I sensed something was up. Then I went to see him on Sunday and he was cold to me. I kissed him and he gave me a look and when I asked for a hug he was like yes, but I don't want to give you the wrong impression. But when I say I Love You to him, he would answer I love you too. Then when I asked why the hug would have given the wrong impression he said because he's not in the relationship anymore, that he has no feelings, and that the time has come to part ways and it was better this way. And that just took me by surprise because it seemed just 2 days ago, he was doing the usual things he did as my bf.

 

By the way, 9 months ago, he had to go back to Nova Scotia to take care of his beloved Grandma who was dying of cancer that she had beeen diagnosed with suddenly. He was gone for 4 months and when he came back he was on night shifts, so we rarely had any quality time together and it would be spent doing chores mostly. He's told me he isn't sure about us and I asked how long has he felt this way and he said since 9 months ago. I know that the sickness and death of his Nan was very hard on him and I know he was depressed because he kept saying he was lost, dead and empty inside and can't feel anything, that if he got hit by a truck he wouldn't feel it. He said he doens't feel like living and basically has given up on life. I think that affected our relationship.

 

But anyways, what he said that Sunday night really upset me and I broke down crying and apologizing for all the mean things I did to him and asking him to just give me a chance and then he went and got cleaned up to make himself feel better he said. When he came back he said he was going to go get something to eat and that I should go home to eat. But I told him I had no appetite now. He started having a low (diabetes) and got a fudgesicle to eat. He offered me ice cream (which he does when he eats fudgesicle) and said would I rather eat first then have the ice cream later and I looked at him because I wasn't sure how to take it and I started saying Will you? meaning Will you try? and he just said let's just go eat.

 

So then we went to McDonald's and started to talk about his problems in life like he used to with me, but then he apologized for doing that to me and I'm like I want to hear and be there for him. Anyways we went back to his place and he kept offering me the ice cream and I said in a minute and then when he asked again if I wanted it or whether I want it another night, I took the chance to ask if he was willing to work on things and he said yes. I said are you sure and he said a softer yes. So then he walked me out and I asked is this going to change overnight him working on things and he said he doesn't know and that he was being honest.

 

Anyway, the next day he didn't wake me up (he said he would try to the night before) and he didn't call me when he left for work, but when he got to work he messaged me and said sorry for not waking me up, something about the alarm, etc. I didn't say anything. Then I asked him to call me at night to say goodnight which he did and threw in an extra I Love You. Then the next morning he did call to wake me up without me asking. But he did not call me in the afternoon. When I asked him to call and say goodnight, he did, but something in his voice sounded like he just was tired of things. The next day when I blew him a kiss on msn he didn't blow it back and so I left him alone.

 

9 days later when he called and said we needed to talk. Well the day of the talk I got too anxious and was just not feeling well and he called and talked to my sister and she told him I was sick and I guess he was surprised/angry and left a message saying for me to call him back. I didn't, but he called again later and asked how I was doing and I told him I was planning on messaging him to let him know that I wasn't going to be able to have that talk and he said don't worry about that and told me to let him know what the doctor said (because I was about to go to the doctor's) later on, but I didn't call. He did call though and asked what they said and told me to promise him I will be ok. Then said to let him know what happens the next day when I went to get my tests and I didn't call because I figure if he cared enough he would call. But he didn't.

 

Anyway, I didn't talk to him until Monday when his sister was flying into town and I messaged him to see if I could go greet her at the airport and he's like well he's not sure if that's a good idea because of what we're going through and then he phoned me and said what's going to happen after she leaves, why am I prolonging something that isn't there and I said because I feel the relationship is worth it and he got a bit upset and said that's why he wanted to talk to me in person because it wasn't fair to him or me. But he finally agreed to let me go greet his sister and at the airport I gave him a hug and he put his hand on my back like he usually does to lead me and he was caressing my shoulder like he usually does and when we went back to his place I wasn't sure about going in because he had said that I would go home after the airport, but his sister is like are you coming in and then I saw him offer his hand out to me to come in so I did. During the rest of the evening he put his arm close to mine, even put his arm around me at one point, he shared his dinner with me, but then when he walked me out he gave me an awkward hug with a pat on the back. I was so confused. Since we still had not had the talk yet, he said we should talk soon.

 

So then two days later he called and we had the talk. During the time this was going on, I had written him a letter of my feelings telling him why and what I loved about him since I didn't really let him know during our relationship and I apologized for all the things I did that hurt him and I thanked him for what he has done for me and I also let him know how he has hurt me by giving up on us and for ditching me now that he has a better permanent job (which I was waiting for so I could tell my mom that we were engaged and could now marry as he could support me), and for him hanging out with his new female friends all the time when he was supposed to be thinking about us. Anyway, I read that to him before he could say what he was going to say and after I finished he thanked me, but said he was done, that he doesn't want to work on things anymore and that he's moved on and that I don't make him happy anymore. He said our love was beyond us, that it was deep and everlasting and we will always love each other, but that it was beyond us.

 

It hurt me so much when he said all that, I was crushed and I wanted to die, I still do. I asked him why he couldn't give me a chance like I gave him in the beginning when he pursued me and he said that he didn't want to and that am I trying to guilt him. Which I wasn't, I was merely saying relationships take work, our relationship was worth as we had 6 years of awesome experiences, so many trips to his home town, many happy times, times we still could have if he was willing to try and not give up on me. He said love comes and goes and it's a part of life (according to this book he reads called the Simple Truths). I said the book expresses one viewpoint, but isn't it also part of life to give someone a chance? Especially someone who loves you? I asked how sure he was about not giving me a chance and he sorta hesitated and said pretty sure and then mumbled something like I don't know, don't want to get into it etc. I just said I'm sorry that he wasn't willing to try because I felt the relationship was worth it. I told him I felt I was being replaced and ditched and he said no one will ever replace me, that I will always be important and vital to where he ends up in life and that I will always be his Miahni (his nickname for me meaning My Honey) and I said I will always love him forever and he said he will always love me forever too. And he walked me to my door and we kept hugging and I asked for a last kiss because the last time we were together he didn't give me one and I realized it after I drove away and I came back, but I was too scared to go in and ask him for it. Anyway, he said at first he didn't think it was a good idea and then he leaned his forehead against mine and he did give me a kiss, and it wasn't a peck either - would he do that if he didn't still love me and want to be with me and is just confused? He also gave me a last goodnight wish where he did say he loves me very much and called me by my nickname. And then we hugged some more and he left. And I haven't seen him since. And my heart left with him that night.

 

He did call my best friend up two days later when I had changed my msn title to Dead without my Life because he was my life and asked her to check up on me. And she reamed him out for cheating on me and he said well it wasn't just that issue that there were relationshp issues and my friend told him that I realized my faults and how I behaved and that I wanted to work on things and that I forgave him for the cheating, but he said that he was tired of having to change, that he didn't want to change and that he didn't want me to change so that we could be together. But that's the thing I wasn't asking him to change, I told him the night he broke up with me that I accept him completely, all his quirks, everything. That I wasn't changing for him, it was more a realization that wow I was a complete idiot for treating him that way when I actually sincerely loved him all along. My friend told him to decide that night whether he wasn't going to be in my life at all, or be my friend, or work on things, and told him the least I wanted was to be friends, because he was also my absolute best friend for the past 6 years. Anyway, the same night he talked to her, he messaged me and said he can be friends if I don't pressume anything. He said he would like to be able to talk to me from time to time, but that right now wouldn't be easy. He hasn't asked me to come get my stuff yet and he hasn't asked for his stuff either. I am not sure what to do.

 

I know that if those single women he met the day after we fought weren't in his life that we would have worked things out. Because even during the week and a half after the fight that we were working things out they kept calling him or messaging him, every day and inviting him to go out. He told me they were Angels sent from Heaven during a time he needed someone. That hurt because even during the rough times he was still my Angel and for him to say that really hurt me and made me feel worthless all this time after so long. I also feel that if they were true friends and he adamently says they are TRUE friends, they would have wanted us to work things out instead of constantly asking him out all the time. And the girl I suspected liked him (because she made comments like I can't finish my term paper without you here, etc. and asking him to bring her food etc.) he later told me the night we broke up that yes, she does like him. And that the other female friend had told him that she did. He told them all our problems and they said don't let us influence your decision, but if that's the case why would one friend tell him that the other friend likes him if they don't want to influence his decision? How's that being a true friend??? They had ulterior motives, because I know that after we broke up, the girls were over at his house all the time. And when I ask why he won't let me meet them he said because I don't like their sardonic humor (which he likes) and that I would be confrontational and the girl who likes him would be uncomfortable. Well she shouldn't be going after somebody's else guy in the first place even if things were rocky with us! They both said to each other (him to the girl that likes him as he spends a lot of time with her) that they tell each other things they don't tell others. I also saw them one time while he was "thinking" about our relationship at Humpty's, they were sitting in a booth, except he was sitting on the inside and the girl that likes him was sitting next to him and the other friend was sitting accross from them...why wouldn't the friends sit next to each other?????

 

It hurts so much that he threw away our 6 years of history so easily without giving us the chance to say we truly tried now knowing our faults and having tried, if still couldn't work, at least walk away knowing that we tried. It hurts because the women feed his ego. He told me that when they went dancing it reminded him of the times we went dancing, but that they complimented him on his dancing, and I never did. How can he so easily say he can't be with me anymore when 3 weeks before, he was making love to me like never before to express how much he loved me???? Is he confused and these girls cloud his judgement?

 

He still had the picture of us in his wallet from 6 years ago and he still had a small pic of me stuck on his computer screen when I last saw him. I love him so much and I truly feel he's meant to be with me, it feels natural our relationship, being with him feels right, that we are meant to be, hand in hand, walking the shores of Nova Scotia, exploring, experiencing life together. I don't know what to do, I want to him back so much because I know we can make it work. His grandmother would have wanted us to work things out. But then he said something hurtful, that when he's with the girls he's happy and it's been a long time since he's been happy and that he can finally sense his Nan (he's spiritual). His Nan's finals words were wishing us a long and happy marriage and it makes me cry so hard because he doesn't want to work on things. And I so want him back because I know I can make him happy again. Those girls interfered! I miss him so much, I cry everyday. We were so close to finally telling my family we were engaged because he got a better job. But I feel left behind in the dust after I stood by and supported him all these years.

 

Did the way I treated him all these years cause him to go have sex chats with others and to flirt with others on singles sites? I feel at fault, that I caused him to do that and now this, that had I treated him better, we would still be together. But I totally and sincerely realize that now and I want to show him how much I Love Him and feel about him and make him feel happy. I know am a sweet good person inside, I just showed him in a practical way by helping him with things. Is there a chance for us and what can I do to show him that our relationshp and I am worth it???

[suprema99]

Miahni, this guy is acting pretty heartless, to just end things and he sounds pretty serious by what you wrote. Whether that book you said he read, messed his thinking up, or he's having fun now with his new girlfriends. He's alot younger than you remember. He's probably all confused if he should commit. On the other hand your kinda guilty for all that stuff you did during the relationship. I would say leave him alone now. You expressed your feelings and it's up to him to decide now. You can't change his mind, only he can.

[Miahni]

Thanks suprema99, I know he's a lot younger, but he is very mature when it came to how he viewed relationships. He told me he was thinking for the last 9 plus months about "us" and whether we could be together. Basically it started when he went back home. While we were working things out, I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said absolutely yes, that he does want to be with me so much and that's why he keeps fighting this feeling in his gut that we can't be together.

 

He says he has been thinking a lot about "us", but when I asked him how is he thinking about us when he's hanging out with the girls he says it helps to distract him from thinking. So I'm confused. I also don't think the girls encouraged him to give me a last chance, because obviously they have another agenda. These girls are 6 years younger then him and who knows if they have long-term relationship experience to give him advice. They are single and interested in him, so it's biased as well. I know if they weren't there, we would be working things out, because he wouldn't be out all the time, we would actually have time to talk and work on things! It didn't help I work opposite shifts as them. He says they share the same sardonic sense of humor and that I would never appreciate that humor so that's why I wasn't invited to join them.

 

I know he was hurt by the fact I wanted to return the engagement ring he got me because it had a flaw. I realize I made a mistake with that (and many others), but I have apologized and told him that I would be so happy now if he just gave me a string. That's what he told my friend when she reamed him out, that I should just have been happy with a string and I would now, even if I didn't have a string, I would be estatic if he would just give me the chance.

 

I'm so scared, I Love This Man So Much. I want to be good to him like he was to me and he deserves it. It's been almost 2 weeks since the break up and the last time I saw him. I've sorta talked to him on msn, but it's only when I initiate the conversation. I've talked to him on the phone once, when I called to say goodbye to his sister that was visiting, but she had already left and I didn't know that so I ended up talking to him for 1/2 hour or so. He was friendly when we talked. However, I did choke up when he said that my friend probably hates him. I said no, just that everybody who knows us can't believe this is happening because they always thought we would be together and I choked up trying to say that because it's so true. That's when said he had to go. But then I got myself together and we talked a bit more. He always seems to want to go when I get sad/choke up about us.

 

I know that he is impressionable and perhaps may rely a bit too much on spirtual and gut feelings etc., but I have this feeling that if someone says the right thing, it will make him reconsider. I have a friend who broke up with her guy 3 times and there was cheating involved and criticism and demands as well, but they worked things out and are together. I told him that and he said "really, they really did work things out?" like the possiblity that could happen never even entered his mind.

 

I'm just wondering if there's anything I can do??? I fear the longer the time apart, and not being in his life, he will forget I even exist and all that we had. That's how he treated his previous ex-girlfriend, he lied to her about the reason he broke up with her and never talked to her again (he says he didn't lie to me). When we went back to Nova Scotia, we ended up running into her a few times and she was friendly and said hi, but he wasn't very friendly and I don't want that with us. I don't want to leave it so there is no chance.

 

I also have to mention that I used to drive him places all the time because he didn't have a car, but I did that for him because I loved him. I woke up in the middle of the nights to pick him up from school when I had to work the next day. I would run out and get him food if he was having a low at work or forgot his insulin and I would get it to him. Sometimes I complained that he didn't appreciate me for that, that I was just a chauffeur to him. Anyway, his brother moved out here and has a car, so now he doesn't need me. And before all he really had was me; he had some friends, but they lived on the other side of town. We spent all our spare time together, we were attached at the hip and I feel we've been ripped apart. Now with these girls they live so close and he spends so much time with them, to the point he sacrifices his sleep! And he loves to sleep! He used to do that for me in the beginning of the relationship, he would sacrifice his sleep and job attendance to be with me. But near the end, he would say he was tired and wanted to go to bed, but I found out later he was staying up playing online games until 6am. He did that before the girls came along, and now he just spends that amount of time with them.

 

I think he did it to deal/not deal with his depression, and I know that his depression affected his efforts on us, but he won't admit it and even gets a bit upset when I say that. He says he's happy now hanging out with the girls, it's been a long time since he felt that way (since when he went back to take care of his Nan), but I know that he would have been happy doing stuff with me too, because just weeks before we were going bowling and playing games and going to movies, except we could only spend one day doing that, not every day like he can with those girls. So I feel that was the difference as well for him to think that he's happier with them then he could be with me. He just didn't give us the chance and assumed it had to be all because of me.

 

I had suggested counseling for his depression, but he said no, that he would wait for all the cards to fall first in his life, and besides he can't afford it. Then what do you know? He buys a big screen tv. I don't care now (like I would have before) that he bought it, but it bothered me that he said he wouldn't go to counseling because he couldn't afford it, but then he goes and does that. I just feel he doesn't need me now that he has money and friends and access to a car. I feel a bit used after supporting him through school and trying to find a job.

 

He said he was trying to rediscover who he is right now, he sorta hinted that years of me did that to him. But, it's not just me because he hated the way people were in the city we are in compared to how laidback the people were in his hometown. He told the girls I was confining, controlling, and had double standards. Yes, all true and I realize how I was, but I've learned, but I want so much to show him and be good to him now, I mean we love each other, how can his love leave so quickly like that? I'm soo sorry I hurt him and caused this. I can't stop crying and blaming myself for losing him. I'm just hurting so much, because he made the comment before all this happened that once he gets on day shift, we can spend more time together, and now that he is, we are apart. I want to msn him and ask him to go see a movie right now with no expectations, but I don't know if I should??? We had messaged earlier today and I asked about his new job and I complimented him about how capable and qualified, and talented, etc. he is and that he is going to go places, that I always believed he would (and I did) and I kept complimenting him and he seemed to be friendly in replying. He wasn't too curt, like he sometimes is when I msn him. If he doesn't ignore me, he'll usually answer my questions, he hardly ever asks me anything though. I'm was trying to show him that I do appreciate him and that he is soo worth it with all the compliments (which are genuine). Is that good and should I continue? Should I ask him to just do stuff with no expectations? I miss him so much and know that we can be together...

[suprema99]

hey miahni, If your content with him seeing other girls like he's doing, then continue trying. But, you also spent six years of your life in a relationship, so for all the bad things you might of done, I don't think you should have to go about begging at this point for him to change his mind currently. He should also compromise and understand that and about the relationship. If he doesn't want it, obviously he's made up his mind. He's either being stubborn and immature about this, or it's truley what he feels. Let him figure it out then. I don't think there's nothing you can do right now than to leave him alone and try to give yourself some credit that you told him the truth.

[Miahni]

Thanks suprema99 for saying I was honest, I had to tell him that I truly realized and understood my actions, I just don't think he knows how much I understand now, or he doesn't believe it. I edited my posted reply, so I don't know if you saw everything because I had to add some stuff.

 

I'm not sure, but sometimes I think he's confused because just a month before all this happened, he added my name to his cheques on his chequing account so I could sign my own cheques from his account (that we had set up so I could transfer money to help him). Why would he do that if he wasn't sure about us???

 

Another thing that bugged me was that the last time he said we could work things out I told him that we really need to sit down and discuss the issues in the relationship, because what he may be holding in or may have hinted towards or what he feels we may have discussed before (during fights) isn't really "discussing" and working to resolve the problems. Am I justified in saying it wasn't fair that he never actually outright told me all the issues that was bothering him? We never had a one to one talk about issues, he says we have during fights. But I feel that that doesn't really count because you are both heated and not thinking straight. Had he sat me down and told me Honey, I don't like how you treat me say for example when you do this, etc. it would have woken me up and not led us to this. He just kept most of it in, abosrbed it, made comments here and there which I don't pick up on as hints (stupid me!). Then after giving him space (which he spent out with the girls each night) of 9 days of no contact, he doesn't even talk to me about our relationship, it was just he's come to this decision and I didn't think that was fair after 6 years and us being engaged, the least he could have done was talk to me to see if we could work it out. But instead whammo, it's not going to work! And he broke up with me in a parking lot after 6 years...although with my crying and everything, it was probably better than a restaurant...but still.

[DN]

I don't think that calling him immature is going to help matters and trying to assign blame isn't either. The fact is that you admit that you treated him badly, especially since he sacrificed a lot to be with you, but that doesn't mean he should behave badly either.

 

Try to defuse this situation by learning from the mistakes you both made. Ask him to talk to you calmly and rationally - tell him you love him, that you know he loves you (because he said he does) and ask him to try to get the relationship started again with a new way of communicating properly and treating each other well and respectfully instead of badly.

 

He will have to be convinced that you mean what you say - that you genuinely want to change your behaviour in order to get him back - because you love him. Speak calmly and rationally, so that he understand you mean it - if you get over-emotional it becomes less, not more, convincing.

 

Ideally, you would be able to persuade him to go to couple's counselling to learn a better way to manage the relationship. Even if you can persuade him to reconcile you both have lot of work to do to make this work in the long term.

[suprema99]

I agree with what DN said, but I still think you did enough at this point. There's nothing more this guy needs to hear. You told him how you felt and try to leave it at that. Hanging with these younger girls, maybe he's not into marriage counseling is what I'm thinking. I don't think miahni, you guys are on the same level right now, and it might of always been like that in your relationship.

[Miahni]

Hi DN, I know couples counseling and a lot work would be required, but I am willing because I truly feel we have something special worth fighting for, it just seems he doesn't want to put that effort in because there is someone else who likes him I think, and that hurts for all that we shared. We have communication issues; he doesn't like to talk about the issues, he's more the avoidance type. I know he sacrificed Nova Scotia and stayed here for me, but he also said when he went back home this time to be with his Nan, that he wasn't going back for a long time, since there was nothing there for him anymore. So it's confusing sometimes. He wants so many things. He wanted to start a tour guide co. in Nova Scotia when he met me and I said we can do that now because when I was telling him that I realized my mistakes, I told him I was willing to move to Nova Scotia for him. But he says he's too old to start a tour co. now (I don't think he is). He does change his mind a lot on things, but I'm scared that on me/us, he has decided because of how calm he talks. Even when my friend had the conversation with him, she said he just seemed detached, that he's accepted things. Why did he give up so easily on us?, he even said that we had a lot of good times together! How can his love move "beyond us" within weeks??? Can I save this???

[DN]

He has to want to save it - and in order to want to do that he has to see that it is going to be worth his while. And that is tough to do. Remember that he had several years of you treating him badly to bring him to the decision to leave - and you can't undo all of that in just a short time.

 

The problem with going no contact in order for him to miss you is that it also gives him a chance to realise what life is like without being treated badly. He already knows what being treated badly is like - what he needs is to know what it is like to be with you when you are treating him well.

 

You have a lot of convincing to do - and the longer you leave it the more likely he is to convince himself that he did the right thing to leave.

[Miahni]

Thanks DN for your responses...I also fear that the longer I leave it, he won't come back. However, I am not sure to count from when he first started thinking about us (9 plus months ago) or from when we had the first fight (1 1/2 months ago) or when we broke up (2 weeks ago) - has too much time passed??? What do you suggest I do? Right now, he spends a lot of time with his new "friends" and I am not sure if he might even be dating the one that likes him...the girls are persistent they phone/msn several times/day.

 

I am not sure if I can get him out to meet me...I asked him the night we broke up if we can just step back and get to know each other again and just have fun together without the pressures of our relationship all the time because I know it drains him everytime there is mere mention of it. Like he said, he's tired. But he said we can't go back to that place.

 

How can I show him I am different? I asked him about his new job today and complimented him quite a bit on how capable and talented he is and that he will go far because he's worth it. Is that good? Any suggestions would be great... I don't want to push it, but I don't want to leave it.

[suprema99]

mihani, It's your job now to stop begging him. With all respect, I don't think it's wise for you to keep sucking up to this guy, after he keeps ignoring you now and seems to be playing a game or making final calls with a relationship of 6 years. You messed up pretty bad obviously, you were doing the same thing in a way to him, for a long time. Messing with him and now it backfired in your face. I respect him for dropping you to the curb if that's how you really treated him. Your only option now is to back off, if you truly want him to have any respect for you in the future. It sounds harsh but it's true, goodluck

[Miahni]

I haven't been begging him. I asked him that the night we broke up if he could give me/us a chance. I wasn't begging/throwing a tantrum, etc. when I asked. Hurt sounding maybe. Yes, I treated him bad, but I also did a lot of practical stuff in looking out for him, like I said I drove and picked him up from a lot of places as he didn't have a car and I always thought of him when I went grocery shopping and picked stuff up for him. I may not have been like him with the flowers and gifts etc. But I picked up his favourite goodies with notes saying they were special treats for him when he got home from work. Like I said I woke up in the middle of the night when I had to work the next day to pick him up from school. I also picked up food for him or insulin whenever he needed it and he was stuck at work. I was more mean and critical in my words. But he also cheated on me with the sex chats and the singles flirting. He lied about it and passed it off as nothing. And cheating was one thing he said he would never do to me because his ex did it to him, so I absolutely trusted him on that.

[suprema99]

This kinda sounds like a bad relationship. There's always problems in relationships. Alot of history I'm sure is involved here. My point is that you told him how you felt, it was honest, and it's really none of your business now to try to take it any further now. What more can you do or say? Go with the flow now, and wait awhile. Maybe do what he's doing now and talk to other guys. Relationships shouldn't be onesided.

[Miahni]

Ok thanks Suprema99, yes I realize it was bad because of me, but we did have a lot of good times where we were not fighting or being mean. All our trips to Nova Scotia (3 times and for a month at a time) where fighting free. Part of was I placed my stress on him, and I realize now what I did and that was wrong. I am blaming myself for us breaking up, but my friends say, he still shouldn't have cheated on you. But I can't forgive myself for how I behaved in the beginning and wonder did I cause him to cheat on me now? Our roles sorta reversed in the end. But I know we both loved each other throughout and I still love him. I guess I'm confused, you're saying leave him be, DN is saying show him before it's too late. And all the things I was saying to him were true, I was not saying those things meaninglessly or sucking up. That was the only way I could think to show him I understand I was not so nice and that I can be good to him. What I am telling him is how I truly feel. I just never told him before and wish so much I did. It sounds like you think there is no hope for me?

[suprema99]

Hey miahni, I hope I didn't come off sounding like there's no hope. If you guys were together for 6 years, I'm sure there's gotta be hope in it somewhere. Do what you feel is best, is probably the only thing you really can do right now.

[missingmylady]

That really sucks -- I'm sorta in the same boat, minus the passed time (see my thread in this forum if ya want some bg). Obviously you want to be involved with him again. The first step is communication and pretty much testing the water I would say. If you both still have love for each other, all it needs is a tiny nudge and a chance to grow. I'm not saying there won't be work to be done to maintain the better level relationship, cos that would be a lie, but if you're both willing to work at it and make each other happy above all, the more power to ya. He doesn't sound that bad from the posts of yours I read ( I mighta missed a few details ) and well, you never know if someone has really moved on or if too much time has passed unless you try. Are you afraid of being rejected? If so, its a gamble..You could turn out really happy or hurting, but from the sounds of it you aren't very happy sitting and waiting..

 

My instinct is to say go for it. But that's probably a little biased on my situation, but I'm always all for giving things at least a fair chance. I've been in a few pretty crappy relationships to where I was the one to break it off, and was being walked on, but I accepted it because at least I couldn't say I did not try. I could fail at anything and honestly not really mind, but if I see something I didn't get a chance to try and it's too late, it eats me up with the 'if only..'s.

[Miahni]

Hi missingmylady. Thanks for your response. I too am like you, I am the type that doesn't want to walk away without at least trying everything, because how can you walk away not knowing if you did try your all after everything that you have been through.

 

I read your situation and I say take the leap and propose. If that's what she has hinted at and that's your gut feeling, my feeling is go for it, it will show how committed you are to her and how much you do love her and are willing to make things work.

 

In my case, I just don't know. He tells me he is done and that he has moved on. That he's not happy with me. I know that part of the reason he feels happy elsewhere is he goes out every night with these new girl "friends", but because I work a different shift I can only spend one night, so of the time spent, I didn't get a fair share to get a chance to show him we can be happy.

 

He says he can be friends with me if I don't pressume otherwise. He says he will always love me, but the love has "moved beyond us". I think he does love me, because he struggled with this decision for awhile now. I just don't know how I can reach/get through to him? Even after all that's happened, he must love me to have been with me for so long.

 

I just think his decision was swayed because of the female enticement. So it's a bit difficult to win him back when he is busy with them. They are extremely persistent, many phone calls/IM a day to him. He likes the attention, especially since one likes him and he knows this. I know I failed to boost his ego, but in my im's with him, I am geniunely complimenting him.

 

I have been the one basically initiating contact, because I feel if we stay friends, there may be a chance for us??? Mostly he only answers my questions. But the last two times I talked to him he was more friendly and is starting to respond more. Like today, we messaged quite a bit and when he got home he messaged me and asked about my mom... So that was the first time he initiated contact...is that a good sign? I mean he could have asked me earlier, but he decided to message me after he got home ...

 

I know that he wants me to be ok, as he knows how hard the breakup was on me, so I don't know if he is talking to me because he feels I am ok now and he doesn't feel so guilty? If that's the case, he didn't have to initiate the last message and ask about my mom?

[Mun]

Hi Miahni,

How are things going?

 

I guess as long as your ex wants to see what else is out there ( date other girls) you can't make him come back. The best thing you can do is to let him go and keep moving forward.

Maybe he will look for you again, but in case he doesn't you shouldn't put yourself on hold. I know it hurts, but it's not as easy as winning him back. He has to want to come back.

[Miahni]

Hi Muneca,

 

Thanks for replying. I'm not doing that great. It's been a rough week, my friend saw them at the grocery store together, something we used to do all the time. Should I ask him if he is with someone? I'm not sure he will tell me as he knows it will hurt me. It hurts so much that 6 years together means nothing to him. It was a rough week as well because he kept contacting me this week to handle our internet connection.

 

Whenever he asks how I am I don't usually say anything because I was trying to appear happy so he would have more incentive to come back. But I have all these feelings that I want to tell him like how I'm hurting and how there are a lot of misunderstandings. I want to tell him that I love him unconditionally and will always love him and that we can be together, that he gave up on me and us too soon.

 

So the last few times he asked me how I was, I finally told him that I wasn't ok and he asked what was wrong so I told him that I just wanted to be able to talk to him (like how we used to talk, with no fronts). Then he brings up that he needs to get my stuff to me and that we could meet sometime, so that was another blow to my heart.

 

I just really want to tell him how I feel. I think part of the problem was he doubted whether I really did love him all this time, and I always did, I just never knew how to express my love, I'm more of a practical showing through the actions type of person. But I love him so much and I want to tell himj.

 

Any suggestions??

 

Thanks,

Miahni

[suprema99]

Hey miahni, I can tell you as a guy. If he loves you, you'd have a feeling. .. But it's gotta be obvious to him that you love him, so I really hope he's not hurting your emotions on purpose. Goodluck