missingmylady

Thanks..I thought about it more today (obviously) and I know I shouldn't run out and ask her to marry me today..Aint happening, but we'll see in the future what happens.. Things did change small bits in the breakups, but I never was able to step outside our relationship and sort of see it from her angle. I can write a novel on how wrong I've been, all the wrong I've done, and what I'm doing to reverse it, really.. I've never really knew what I wanted..I've regressed over the years into a really passive and 'whatever' state of mind..That's the biggest problem over everything, and I think that's where 99.9% if not 100% of our issues came from. I've shook a lot of the crap off from the get-go, and while I still have quite a bit to work on I have nothing but great hope I can keep my end straightened out. *shrug* It's in her court right now, and I really do hope she comes back sometime with a clear mind and the willingness to give it another shot. I try to be as strong as I can, but damn..Hard sometimes. This morning I was a complete wreck, totally back to square one like when it first happened, all cos of a dream I think, but by the afternoon and evening, though she was still constantly on my mind, I was able to swing with it a lot better. One of my goals is to be in the best emotional shape I can be when I see her next, and hopefully she can do the same..I dunno.

That really sucks -- I'm sorta in the same boat, minus the passed time (see my thread in this forum if ya want some bg). Obviously you want to be involved with him again. The first step is communication and pretty much testing the water I would say. If you both still have love for each other, all it needs is a tiny nudge and a chance to grow. I'm not saying there won't be work to be done to maintain the better level relationship, cos that would be a lie, but if you're both willing to work at it and make each other happy above all, the more power to ya. He doesn't sound that bad from the posts of yours I read ( I mighta missed a few details ) and well, you never know if someone has really moved on or if too much time has passed unless you try. Are you afraid of being rejected? If so, its a gamble..You could turn out really happy or hurting, but from the sounds of it you aren't very happy sitting and waiting.. My instinct is to say go for it. But that's probably a little biased on my situation, but I'm always all for giving things at least a fair chance. I've been in a few pretty crappy relationships to where I was the one to break it off, and was being walked on, but I accepted it because at least I couldn't say I did not try. I could fail at anything and honestly not really mind, but if I see something I didn't get a chance to try and it's too late, it eats me up with the 'if only..'s.

We both have had a few serious relationships before this. I do understand why folks ask about age, but from all she's said and all it doesn't really sound like she's looking for something so much better..A few times I had that impression, but I think I got it way out of context (was upset as heck at the time). Honestly, I doubt I'll ever find a woman with a heart as good as hers. She was always here for me, even when I was pretty bad to her by not paying the attention I should have. She has been nothing but great to me, and I really want to pay that back.. Sure, we got together and I was 16 she was 19, and it is very young, but we have always had something very special between us and really, without that I highly doubt we would have gone anywhere at all. I just really really want to keep that special something there, until she can take me back. I know she hurts soooo bad right now about everything, and I really wish I could be there for her..I realize how much I wasn't there for her in the past, and I know she really could use someone right about now (hense the calls and visits we shared) and it just kills me that I can't be there for her right now.

Does anyone think she would recoil from me if I made that move? Unrepairable if she rejects me? Even if she rejected me, I can still see myself trying again and again til she does so long as I have the chance..Not in the crazy stalker way but just holding my hope..I dunno.. Got an 'ok' job today..Nothing great, but damn I wish I could share the news with her..Mustn't call, must let her go out of town this weekend to her mom's and see what happens when she calls monday to arrange to get more of her things (as it is now).

We broke up twice over six years, only once lasting more than a few minutes. The first time it was her, and she left for a week to her mother's and we came back and worked some of the issues out. Things didn't get completely better though (mostly because of how I divided my attention between her and other things), and after one big fight I told her to leave, but within a few minutes we both apologized as we said a lot of things we really didn't mean..This time it was her, but some of the issues were still outstanding from previous situations. It is nothing that we can't get past though if she's willing to. I'm going on 22 and she's going on 25. One of my worries is that when talking to my step father, he asked me 'did you flat out ask her to marry you?' and I hadn't. I had very very strongly hinted, but it was more of a 'i promise you'll have a ring on your finger eventually' which didn't seem to go over very well..She knows how I feel now, but he's been nudging me to take the big leap. I just really really truly fear 'when is the right time' and I know I stand to push her very far away with the wrong move or words at this point. I honestly think that even 20 years down the road we'll have a shot if it took that long, but I don't want to wait that long. We have so much we can see and do together in that time, why waste it? She's made me realize the little that we have actually DID over the years, that we have to show anything for now. That's I think her biggest issue is that while we were still together and all, our future was not laid out. I'm a day-to-day person, and she's the type of woman wondering where she'll be xx years down the road and that kinda thing. Living day to day was the easy route, and I've learned now that I need to bite down and work hard to get anywhere past 'today'. Sorry it was very long, and that you for reading..I've got a lot on my mind and could seriously write a book on everything buzzing in my head from this lately.

Well to make a very very long story short, we split up last tuesday because of the lack of time I spent with her and the lack of affection I showed. We went through a minor breakup a few years ago and she came back, and we worked on things a little but nothing major changed. However, this breakup was the pits. We have hung out numerous times since she left, and we can sit for hours on end just sobbing with each other about how horribly this sucks. Every conversation at this point has came full circle to the same 'i love you but I don't want to be in a relationship with you'. The reason she gave me was because over the past few years I didn't change at all, and kept with my misdirection of attention. I never cheated on her, never abused her physically, and we really truly love each other to death (both told each other quite a few times since it happened). I was a bit too pushy I guess right after it happened, and after I laid back a bit more she called and came by a few times. Every time though we ended up upsetting each other over what happened and just talking in circles. I wrote her a long four page letter, and even though we already had said we won't be talking anymore at least for now, I had to call her one last time and get her the letter. That wasn't too big of a problem, and after I gave her the letter she had the saddest look in her eyes (hadnt read it yet either) and we stood a few feet from each other just staring at each other for no lie five minutes flat, and we both apologized, started crying, and she turned and walked the other way. She sat on the side of the building, and I went accross the street for a pop and couldn't help but sit down and just watch her reading the letter..Don't get me wrong, I ain't gunna stalk the girl or nothing, we were already both there and I just couldn't help but get one last good look at what I've lost. So that brings me to this point. Last night, I had one of those horrible dreams about her, ya know the kind that hurts so bad and feels so real..I woke up CRAVING to call her, txt her, anything to tell her again how sorry I am for not waking up before this happened. She has said quite a few times too behind the tears and sobbing, 'why can you realize and do all this now? Why not last week, last year, or three years ago???' and I really don't have a good answer for her. I have made a transition since this fell apart, and am well on my way to making myself a better person which would allow her to be happy with me once again if she let down her wall.. She tells me she forgives me for the pain and hurt, and everything else, but also tells me the only reason she doesn't want to ever (at this point) get back into a relationship with me is that she doesn't want to waste another six years of her life and not get anywhere, because I didn't take any of the steps I should have in the past. How can she say that, when she also says she does forgive me (too early for that, unless she really took my actions and words to heart..I ment every ounce of what Ive told this woman). She got angry with me because I couldn't understand how she forgives me but keeps the bad from our past against me. We've had GREAT times, and she'll be the first to say so..Else she wouldn't have been around as long as she did (nor I). We've been head over heels for each other since the first time we hung out..Been together since til a bit over a week ago. We were one of them sappy sappy couples, and though we had our fights I can sit back and say for damned sure what we fought about honestly would never be an issue again. I only now can really see what she ment to me, what I ment to her, and all I had..I can't give a perfect reason for why I was so stupid, but I want to make it up to her in every way possible. She got so down the other night when we were talking..She said it hurts so bad that I can go out now and buy her flowers, tell her how beautiful she is, how great of a person she is, ask how her day was, and everything but I didn't do that before. I tried to explain to her how I really don't know, but if she would just put our past aside for a few dates I can really show her all I want to. She honestly seems like she wants to see me do great and get back together, but she is very emotional especially now and keeps swinging from being happy cuddling calling etc to not wanting to see me again. I am giving her all the space she can possibly want now, and I am just sooo worried that space is the wrong thing for us. In fact, I've never been more sure of something than I am that us taking anything more than a few weeks space will destroy the bits we have left. She's scared of being hurt again I think, and I really do understand that. I've let her know that I'm more than willing to take things very very slowly, get into couples therapy, get into a health club or jog together or something, anything really to not make her put herself completely out on a limb. I'm willing to set myself up for major hurt again, I'll put myself totally out there on the line, but I know she wouldn't make that leap, not with how she feels now, and I really assured her I would be sooo willing to take it very very slow. One of her issues was that we didn't get married yet..And that hurt her deeply. I couldn't do it, I don't know if I wasn't sure she was really the one or if I just was scared to take that step. Whatever it was, it left the day she did. I told her flat out..Grabbed her ring finger, looked into her eyes, and told her that I _will_ get her that ring, one way or another. She might have a pretty angry boyfriend or husband because of it, and might not accept it, but I told her I really couldn't never give it to her. She got a little chuckle, and said something like 'you might get beat up or something..' and I told her it would be so worthwhile if it ment I could at least do that much. My step father's advice is to flat out ask her to marry me here and now. My gut instinct, stronger than I've ever felt it, is to finish the few things I need to take care of and pretty much just walk up to her and however I feel I need to, ask her to marry me. I was able to type this all thus far with a straight face, but just the thought of that is making me sob. I really really can see us spending our whole lives together, as we've always been that silly sappy couple ever since we first laid eyes on each other. And that's no lie, we met a few hours before becoming 'us'. It quickly grew and well, I think we still do have that special something. If we didn't, she wouldn't have came back the nights she has, wouldn't have said she loves me and said how many times that what is happening to us sucks so bad. It kills me that we have to go through this..I know I could drop it and give her all she wanted and then some, but it takes two and she doesn't seem ready or willing to do so this soon. Right now we're at the point of not calling or txting or anything each other so she can have some 'her' space and time. She knows I'm not calling not because I don't want to, but because this is what she said she wants. She knows how bad I want to call her, and I know she wants to call me at least sometimes just as bad if not worse. That brings me to my real question in all this. Is there ever a 'right' time to actually give her a call? She's not really the type to put herself on a limb, she's one of those woman who just hints at the big things, and doesn't push at all or anything. Real gentile girl, kind of shy when it comes to putting herself 'out there'. I fear that if I never call her, we'll never speak again. Not because she never wants to call, but because she doesn't want to cause more hurt if things don't work out quite right. She's scared, I'm scared, and I really am split on how to handle things. Instinct, again stronger than ever, tells me to drop the little NC game and snag her hand, get on one knee, and profess how much she means to me and ask her to marry me right here and now. I've been this head over heals for her for six years, and though for a few of them I withdrew a bit my heart was always hers. On the other hand, I really don't want to push her away or scare her off. It's a big gamble, and I'm not really a risk taker but I think that's one of the things I've sort of regressed into doing..I have that deep down hope and feeling that she'd take well to me doing such a thing, but I also fear if I do that then we'll never have a chance again. What do you folks think? Am I an idiot if I ask her to marry me, after what's occurred? I am pretty much set on doing that, it's just a matter of when. I need about 2-4 weeks to get my life straight here (wish I could speed it along sooo bad but some things you cant control!!) and what I'm considering is just keeping NC or very very minimal contact (like none initiated by me, only her if she does and not pushing her one tiny bit at all during it) and then once I have my things in check, put my eggs in that one basket and ask her to be mine. She's wanted to get married for over a year now, so I know the feeling at least *was* there..Looking into her eyes, I think it's still there deep down..She has the most loving look in her eyes, past the hurt from what's happening right now. We can stare at each other literally for upwards of an hour without a word, just a sniffle, head shake, blink. She searched my eyes and face for something quite a few times, I could just feel her doing that quite a few times..She wants to believe me, she wants to have faith in 'us', and she doesn't want to leave. She said she feels she had to do it, and it's already done. 'We'll see' is the conclusion to our future, so it's at least not a flat out 'hell no screw you i hate you'. That's what keeps my hope and I suppose agony over this alive. I'm going to ask her to marry me. I am positive that's what I have to do. If I get shot down, well then we were not all I had thought these years. If I don't get shot down, I could take a long engagement or a quick flight to vegas, whatever makes her happy. I'll be happy forever if she is..We're the kind of couple that if I was upset even about the stupidest thing that had nothing to do with her, she'd get upset. If she was sad about something that had nothing to do with me, I was sad. We always have had that connection, and still do even after what has happened. I just hope when I am finally able to ask her hand that we still have that connection, and she can feel all I feel for her and I can know how she feels. Anywho, any and all thoughts on this are appreciated. It's a really rough time, and I do know life does go on, but I am so sure she will always be on my mind no matter what the future brings.