facing reality and moving on

[btbt]

The guy I've been dating has suddenly stopped calling me -- nothing, nada. It wasn't a serious relationship and not perfect by any means on either side (still in the getting to know each other phase) but it just seems abrupt. I guess I could call him and see what's going on, but I had initiated stuff earlier so feel like he knows that I am interested so the ball is in his court.

 

Any suggestions how to deal with this? It feels pretty awful -- the relationship was too short to say that we had deep connection, but we did have fun. What's up with this not calling? There was never a conversation about where this was going and the last time we hung out it was like a casual "see you later," and now, radio silence...Is he waiting for *me* to call? Is it one of those, I'll see you when I see you but I'm not making a big effort? Should I just give up? He's a pretty decent guy, not a player, so I'm surprised by this. I don't need him to call and say he was madly in love with me, but how about a phone call to say that was fun, but maybe it's not a long term thing? Feels pretty crappy.

[introanna]

ohh man i am going through the same thing .. but possibly i'm in a worse boat... guys can be horrid. i know what you mean .. if you call he could be like totaly put off and you would feel even worse, i wish communication was easy. i wish we could just know and get it over with.

[passions1]

If it's in the "get to you know phase" then it there is a good chance that he could be seeing other women at the same time as well. Who knows what exactly going on his mind except himself.

 

Or it could be he possibly could be extremely with some personal situation either with family, friends, work, school, etc.

 

If you're not that interested in him, then there is no need to continue contact. If you are interested, then go ahead and contact him & ask him how he is doing.

[Mun]

How long has it been since you last spoke?

 

I would advise you to stay open minded if he calls you in the future. He could just have alot of things going on and a relationship is the last thing on his plate. Or he could be dating others, like someone else said. If you had a good time together then you did nothing wrong.

 

Are you dating other people? If not, then maybe you should... it will take the pressure/expectations off this particular man and it will help you to relax about things a bit.

[goddess23]

i would call. i mean the worrying about hes got the power and lalalalla, whatever. its not going to look like that unless you're ALWAYS calling or something. i mean he could geniuinely be busy and you know when the other person doesnt make an effort in sometimes COMMITTED relationsihps you start to forget yourself so for a relatioship in this stage it seems completely normal. i would give him a call see whats up if he wants to mmet up whatever. no biggie really.

[btbt]

Thanks, everyone. You all seem to agree that's it's no biggie. Some history -- it was fast and furious and then we couldn't see each other for a while because both of us travel a lot for work. I was the one who called during those times and we had okay chats. I felt a little uncomfortable that I was initiating, but trying to be the 21st century woman that I am, I thought, hey why not. But after a bit I thought I would let him do the initiating, and he doesn't...now it's been about a month. You think I should call, or should I take this as a signal as "he's not that into me." Normally, I would say so, but both of us were out of town during that month. Does that make any difference? If a guy were really "into you," wouldn't he call anyway despite his busy schedule? The other reason I don't want to call is because I felt at times that I showed more enthusiasm for the relationship than he did (hence reading this as a signal).

 

I guess he could be dating other people. I'm not, but I'm certainly up for it.

But, I did kind of get smitten by this one and can face the reality that it's not smooth sailing, but I guess I'm just disappointed and hurt.

[Spirits Away]

Can you describe how long it was since he didn't call you? and how did the very last date went? And was there some commitment to the meeting but he just doesn't go anymore? Was it when you showed interest, then he didn't meet anymore, or was it none of that?

[Mun]

If I was in your shoes I wouldn't call. Especially if I felt that I was the one initiating things. I would feel that maybe I'm pushing for something more when he is not really that interested. I would rather see something from his side and know for sure that I'm not the one forcing things to happen.

[btbt]

Spirit -- it's been a little over 3 weeks, but he's been out of town during that time until a few days ago. The last date was just hanging out at my place for lunch and when we parted I said, "see you when you get back" and he said, "sure" -- kind of deadpan and detached. But he's sometimes like that at the end of dates -- but if I hint at something I'd like to do, he'll say, hey that's a great idea. And at other times he'suggested things on his own, but it always seemed like he was mustering up the courage to do (I wouldn't say he's shy, but at times he seems reserved and uncertain). So at first I took the "reserved and uncertain" as just that and all was fine, but now I'm taking it as pulling back.

 

Maybe too much time has passed. Somebody's got to rekindle the spark (if there is one). I'm just not sure if I should be the one doing it -- afraid of rejection I suppose. Maybe I'm already being rejected and calling will just confirm it? I've been reading too much of that book "He's Just Not That Into You."

[Spirits Away]

It's still too difficult to determine what happened. There isn't enough hints to either say he's into or not into you. If you're certain that he knows you like him, then don't call. If he's not sure, it wouldn't matter if you call. Just talk like how friends talk. See, maybe he likes you but don't want to let you see, or maybe it's just like how the book concluded. Very hard to tell.

 

Give yourself a date of when to call. Not so long as to still hope even when it's half a year already, but not so short as to not let him have a chance to call you first. Since he's back, around 15-20 days starting from when he came back would be about the right day. If he's really not into you, then calling him after 20 days is a good thing because it won't leave you uncertain.

Actually i dont' know how girls handle uncertainty. But guys usually asks for a reason when they're being directly or subtly rejected. Certainty is a must for us.

[btbt]

Certainty is a must for women too! It just seems that when guys are certain that they don't want to pursue a women, instead of saying something upfront, they kind of fade away. Indeed, I've been guilty of saying, I'll talk to you soon when I don't have any intention of calling someone back. I guess in efforts to spare someone's feelings, you end up hurting them more.

 

Men -- what's up with this?

[Mun]

I know I'm not a guy, but I've been guilty in the past of not returning phone calls when I no longer wanted to date someone. I figured he would get the hint and I didn't have the guts to tell him " I just don't like you like that" --unless confronted. Cowardly, I know. But I also didn't initiate any of the calls...so as not to give him mixed messages. I was polite on the phone when he called, that's about it.

 

You don't have to sit there passively though. You can give him a call... try to get his machine.. leave a message like " Hi, just wanted to say hello and see how you are doing" if he does not return your call then you might consider moving on.

 

Leaving a message is easier because you throw the ball back in his court and you don't get into one of those uncomfortable conversations where you don't really know what to say ( when what you want to say is " why haven't you called me?")

[btbt]

Thanks. Wouldn't it be easier to live a in a world where you say:

 

Why haven't you called me?

I don't think this relationship will work out.

Thank you for being honest. Best wishes!

 

Okay, I'll get my head out of the clouds now.

[Spirits Away]

Just be patience. Answers will come to you. Good results/Bad results, it always end good because you'll find the right one and marry him in the end. I personally believe that people who don't screw themselves over with drugs/alcohol or don't have personal insecurity issues, will find a good guy in the end. It's given to you, all you need is to work on yourself. A healthy individual just doesn't attract unnecessary people into your life. It just doesn't.

[btbt]

Thanks, Spirit's. Well, I know some of you might not approve of this but I did call him. He didn't offer any explanation of not calling, not did I ask him for one, but kept it light. He didn't ask me to do anything, so I brought it up (me initiating again) and he seemed happy to do something.

 

Did I do the wrong thing? I guess I have to go into it with no expectations, light dating, even friends really. Guys -- what does it mean when you don't initiate dates but are happy to oblige when asked?

[Spirits Away]

Whatever's done are always good. I understand there is a lot of things that stops them from going after the girl. But they tend to stay in contact with the girl despite their own issues. That's why i suggested to wait a bit and see the answer before contacting. I don't know his reaction to this, but keep - in your emotion state - a friend thing. Whatever happen is a bonus.

[Vert]

I've been there before with a girl, and she just totally axed the phone calls, emails, and txt's one day. My sister set us up because she was best friends with this girl's younger sister, and she often told me that this girl is very mature and kind. However, little did I know that she would do this to me and never return calls or emails or anything. In fact, I never saw her online anymore, and only found out from my sister that she's alive and well so she was probably just ignoring me. It was more like "wow, someone is that shallow that they can't just tell me they're not interested naymore?" instead of anger or resentment.

 

What I learned is that people will be people... mean yet cowardly enough to hide behind their phone or computer instead of just telling you the truth. The usual copout is "I didn't want to hurt you", but that just means you're a coward. Sorry, but if I didn't like you I would just tell you. I guess it's always easier to avoid a situation than confront it. With that said, you might never know why the person did this, but guaging other opinions and that of my own I can tell you that he probably did find another girl and just didn't have the heart to tell you.

[bellkristi]

btbt - I'm new here, but based on what you're saying I think this guy is either lazy or ambivalent. He never turns you down if you make an effort, but doesn't really take any initiative himself. Could it be he views you as a convenient way to spend some time, but doesn't really care enough to go out of his way for you? Does he seem to be lazy or ambivalent in other areas of his life?

 

You're the only one who can decide if what he's "giving" is enough for you. I don't think it would be for me, but that's just my opinion, for what it's worth.

 

bk

[Rozsi]

He's probably dating someone he is serious about. Sorry that's so harsh, but that has been what I've seen.

[Mun]

I hate to be negative, but you will see how interested he is in you when you find out he has been calling, asking out and picking up any other girl for dates ( or that he has done this in the past).

 

P.S. How well do you know him and his dating habits? Maybe you should find out

[btbt]

Hey, thanks, everyone. Here's the update. We went out and had a good "what's going on conversation.'" He's not dating anyone else at the moment but he doesn't want anything serious. He totally misread my cues, thinking that I wanted something serious -- I said something once about my future plans that had nothing to do with him, but he read it as I was going to change my life so that I could spend my time with him (how narcissitic!). Anyway, the air the was cleared and he apologized for being inattentive. I have to say that guys are kind of stupid -- they think initiating a phone call or something means they are professing their undying love to you. Yet at the same time, he said that I could have been more in touch with him if I were that interested. So what does he want? I don't think he even knows! Anyway, it's all good. I cannot continue to date him because of a few things that are going on in my life. But the lesson learned is -- ask and talk.

[btbt]

So I've been thinking (maybe obsessing) about this. What I thought was a nice, honest conversation amounts to that I've been dumped! Doesn't "I'm not ready for anything serious" always mean "I'm not ready for anything serious with YOU." And here's the catch -- despite all this professing of not wanting anything serious, he still proceeded initiate sex with me (which I refused). Questions: do guys just want eat their cake and have it to? All relationships have to start somewhere -- light, not serious etc. -- why do people freak out when it starts to be that way. I guess it's about timing and pacing, but I can't help but take it personally because everyone, including myself, are not ready for something serious until that fantastic person comes their way. I know I've said this to people even when I did want a relationship, but not with that person. I guess I wasn't fantastic enough for this fellow.

[catgirl82]

no way, he wasnt fantastic enough for YOU!

 

by the way, how do you people feel about that book "he's just not that into you"? i think it may be a little harsh, i dont know. is it really true that youre supposed to sit back and let guys do all the pursuing? what about shy guys? guys that are intimidated by us? what ever happened to girls having a say in the whole deal?

 

i just brought it up b/c btbt had mentioned it and i believe even quoted it. i havent read the whole thing, just excerpts, and im curious to see how others feel about it- both men and women

[btbt]

ctgirl, thanks for trying to make me feel better. One of these days I'll feel better about it, but for now it just sucks! The worst part of it is that it was a total 180 -- really into me to begin and then just silence.

 

As for that book "he's just not that into you," I think it's a hipper version of "the rules." I think it's true that you're better off if you let the guy do the pursuing -- and definitely the excuses of being too busy to call etc. means that he's not putting you at the top of your list. But it really is a double standard. Case in point -- the book ends with the guy's wife's point of view. She says when they were dating she wasn't very attentive, wouldn't call him while she was away etc. but he was persistent and finally won her heart. But the book is saying is that it's not okay for a woman to do that in pursuing a man, and the man shouldn't have to listen to the advice "SHE'S just not that into you" and can keep pursuing.

 

I think it goes case by case -- if as a woman you feel like pursuing and even going for the tough cases, go for it. I think it will be obvious in your gut if you are beating a dead horse or if it's something worthwhile. But I would keep in mind that the majority of men (and women) have traditional gender roles ingrained in them, so for women-pursuers it's an uphill battle.

 

So if I were truly liberated, I would take my case and say, hmm...tough challenge (I'm sure many of you women have told guys that you were not ready for a relationship but then got won over now and again) and maybe try to woo him. But social roles tell me that HE has made the decision and that I have to sit around feeling dumped. Bleech.

 

There's another book -- "Admit it, you're that into him either," which may be helpful, but it's the same kind of feel good about your fabulous self advice, which doesn't really help when the person you've fallen for doesn't reciprocate!

[Mun]

Oh I know how it feels when you want someone and they just don't want you back the same way. Especially when they did at first. You wonder what exactly went wrong. Did I try too hard ? Did I not try enough? Sometimes there are no answers... or at least none that satisfy.

 

Don't worry that you were beating a dead horse.. you will find another ride.