Girlfriend can do without sex

[GreatOne52782]

Hello,

 

I am writing this post out of frustration in search of help.

 

I have been going out with my current girlfriend for about 9 months now. She has had 5 boyfriends that she was sexually active with prior to me. I have had 1 girlfriend that I was sexually active with prior to her.

 

When we first started going out, we had sex all of the time, naturally.

 

However, over the course of the past few months, I have been having to damn near beg for sex. She has told me before that she can go for a month without sex and it wouldn't bother her. I, on the other hand, would have sex everyday if possible.

 

I love her very much and want to be with her, but it is an issue that she doesn't want to have sex often.

 

She likes it when I initiate the sex, but I HATE it when I get shutdown most of the time.

 

Her explaination is that she just isn't as horny as I am. I am not asking for vaginal sex all of the time, I am willing to settle for foreplay or anything sexual.

 

When she does agree, all she is up for is quickies. I would like to spend a good amount of time pleasuring her. I could care a less whether or not I finish, I just want to have fun with her. I love nothing more than to be naked with her and fooling around.

 

When she denies me sex, I am not in the greatest mood because I feel that she isn't attracted to me anymore (eventhough she says otherwise). She then gets mad because I won't tell her what is wrong. I don't want to say anything because it will cause an argument and it will then be longer before I get sex.

 

Any suggestions?

[Nessa]

Well you said that in the beginning of your relationship that you both were intimate quite often. Perhaps she feels that your relationship was based solely upon sex? I don't know what goes on between you two out of the bedroom but I do know from personal expierance that a lot of my own personal relationships jump started to quickly and became surrounded by sex, sex, and more sex...eventually with me breaking it off with them and telling them that we need to hang out more often rather than just hang out for the day, with the expectancy of sex later on that night.

 

Talk to her about it, there may be something else going on as well. She may be having problems in another area of her life which just make her emotionally drain and simply not in the mood.

[BillyJean714]

Have you guys been getting along pretty well with each other lately? Maybe she feels as though you guys argue too much? Conflict can cause people to lack wanting physical intimacy with their partners. I don't think that it's because she's not attracted to you. There's probably something about the relationship that's bothering her and she's not telling you about it. Ask her. Other reasons that I can think of is that maybe she feels emotionally withdrawn? She might feel as though your relationship is emotionally distant. Whatever it is, it's best to go directly to the source.

[DragonGirl724]

maybe she isnt comfortable with herself or her own body. maybe being naked makes her feel too exposed & vulnerable and thereforeeee she pulls away and refrains from doing it....

 

its a possibility.

 

-DG724

[ShySoul]

Are you just saying to her "hey, lets have sex." Could she feel you are pressuring her in some way which is making her already low sex drive even lower? Or could it be her own insecurities?

 

Sex is mostly mental. You said that you were fine with foreplay. Well foreplay is much more then touching and all that stuff. It's about setting the mood. It's about romancing her and making her feel needed to the point where she is feeling reeved up. You've been going out awhile, think about what pleases her, even if its non sexual. Those non sexual things get things going and then you gradually turn up the heat. If done corectly, anything can happen.

 

But of course, you should always respect what she wants. If she doesn't feel like it, let it go for then.

[RayKay]

Sex is 90% mental, 10% physical..and foreplay starts long before you get

naked.

 

If she is feeling emotionally disconnected from you, or unsure about the relationship, or bored....her sex drive will be lower. You need to look at the relationship and ensure you are fulfilling emotional needs too.

 

It is also possible she really does have a lower libido...and then you need to take other avenues...it may be her birth control, or just the way she is, and so she may need to consult a doctor. If she refuses too, you will have to determine what you want to do. Sex is not EVERYTHING, but sexual compatibility and intimacy between a couple ARE very important. It is not just about the act, it is about sharing pleasure with one another, about that bonding glue that is special between the two of you. It is about expressing ourselves, and pleasing our partners. So it is normal for you to feel sad about the repeated rejections, because it is not just rejecting sex, it is rejecting that bond, that intimacy, that pleasure, that expression of love.

 

Just as you need to respect her "desires" though she needs to respect yours. It drives me crazy when people say "well if she does not want it, respect her!". If you are in a relationship you are together in it, and she also needs to respect your needs. If there seems to be a lack of desire to fulfill the needs of each other, there are serious problems there.

 

I bet even when she "gives in" you are feeling unsatisfied as it feels like she just does it to go along with it, right?

 

You need to learn how to make her want it..don't beg her for sex. Don't even try for it. For a week tell her she is sexy, give her sensual touches, talk to her with hints, and caresses, but do not go for sex. See how she reacts. If after a week nothing changes, you two really need to talk, and you need to determine what you want to do. If you read around, there are many people with partners whom don't ever want sex either months, years, decades into relationships...though the warning signs were there early. In my opinion if a partner refuses to discuss or seek help for a low libido, that is just as equal to them refusing to discuss other relationship conflicts.

[GreatOne52782]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

I have a few things to think about.

 

I am definitely going to try the approach that RayKay suggested.

 

As far as fulfilling the emotional connection, I have always tried as hard as I could to make sure that I satisfy her in every way.

 

At first, she couldn't take compliments very well, but over time, she no longer feels weird when I tell her that she is beautiful. She finally agrees with me.

 

I had feelings for her for awhile prior to our getting together. I knew the stories of past relationships.

 

I knew that I was more right for her than the other guys. I seen their shortcomings.

 

I am very happy to be with her and would like nothing more than to be happy in all aspects, but like RayKay said "Sex is not EVERYTHING, but sexual compatibility and intimacy between a couple ARE very important." Sex is not everything to me. I just think that if everything else in the relationship is healthy (which I feel it is, for the most part) than there is nothing odd about wanting to have sex with my girlfriend. I consider it to be a part of a normal relationship, but often I find myself feeling reluctant to attempt to initiate physical intimacy for fear of rejection.

 

I know that we shouldn't fear rejection in a relationship, but when I get shutdown, I can't immediately "put a smile on my face" and act as if nothing happened. I am hurt.

 

I have been thinking how to bring it up with her without placing blame on her or making her feel like I am attacking her.

 

I know that she loves me very much and wants to be with me, as I do her. She wants to marry me. I like the idea of spending my life with her, but I don't want to have a sexless marriage. That is why I am trying to address the issue now before things get too complicated.

 

Again, I thank you all for your responses and hope that you can provide me with more insight.

[Cydeways]

lol, try this...

 

next time your just sitting there watching tv alone or somthing, just stick your hand down her pants and gently play with her (if your that comfortable with her, 9 months is preatty long) should get the juices flowing, hey... it worked for me

[elveden]

Yeah - it sounds like you're really interested in pleasuring her which is good I think the best thing for you to do (like Cydeways is implying) is to take it really slow - try to get her all worked up. In other words, you need to make her want you.

 

You could even try acting as though you aren't interested. Maybe she enjoys being in control of your sex life - and that's not really on..

[hardcharger]

tell her to hit the road, you are in a for a long haul buddy if you don't get your sex.

[plugger123]

I had the same kind of situation. I stuck through it for a long time, but I could just take so much rejection. I gave her my all to make her happy and tried everything but in the end I started to take it personally. In my mind sex is something that nourishes a relationship. That is the way people express their love.

 

She wanted to marry me as well. Since I dumped her I felt like crap but I never once considered going back. If I would give advice I would say that think about things in the long run. Maybe if you're married it will gets worse. A devorce is a messy business especially if there is kids involved.