We went fast and now he wants to take it slow, I'm very conf

[Jadtt]

I met this guy in March, it was almost like magic, we both felt a real strong connection instantly, like the entire world vanished. He is best friends with my really good friend, I have heard her talking about him for years in casual conversations and know that he is great, but this was the first time we had ever met.

 

About a week or so after we met we began emailing eachother and then ended up planning our first date. Our date was absolutely wonderful, I am a very shy person and had never felt more comfortable around someone, it was pretty great.

 

Ever since that time we have been dating, we normally see each other 2-3 times per week. The first month was awesome, we were really into each other and he called me all the time. Around early May when his finals came around, he started freaking out on me, saying that he needed space and needed to focus on school, I was fine with that and completely understood. Shortly before I went on business to Germany, he said that he loved me and was sure of it, that scared the hell out of me and I felt like everything was way too serious. While in Germany he ignored my emails, being slightly neurotic I kind of freaked out on him a little. He said he felt 'smothered' etc. etc., I was PMSing and stressed out. I returned from Germany and everything was really good, but I was bummed out because he hasn't introduced me to his friends, or want to see me that much after so long of seeing me.

 

So, we had another 'talk', he said that he doesn't want a serious relationship and wanted to take things slow. He also said that he really liked me, but needed his space. I understood this, but it made me uncomfortable, because he was all about me, calling me everyday and such...and now he wants to take it slow.

 

Again, things were going well...then about two weeks ago he indicated that he wasn't happy because he felt like our relationship was too serious and he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I explained that I am not ready for a serious relationship. So, he said ne needed to take it down a few notches and wanted a light and happy relationship and wanted to take the time to get to know me, because he doesn't know me well and is very concerned about my reactions and how I might take things. He said that he's known all the girls he's dated for years before they hooked up, and that not knowing me was very new and stressful.

 

We were both going out of town on business for two weeks and he said we were going to continue seeing eachother when we both got back and just see where it goes. I am comfortable with that, but indicated I did not want to be strung along. I really feel like we have a lot of chemistry and that we are good for each other (he said the same months ago). He insisted that he was not stringing me along and not to worry.

 

So, now he is returning from business today, we've spoken several times over the past two weeks. I asked him if he would like to spend some time together this week and I got 'possibly' as a reply, he said that his job has been stressful and right now he's only thinking about just getting home. I am so confused, how can you start off fast and then take it slow after that without being confused. He liked me so much and called me all the time, now he says he had so many feelings it scared him. Is this normal? I'm cool with taking it slow, but I'm scared to get my heart broken. I often ask, why would he call me when we're both out of town if he doesn't like me, then he throws out 'possibly' when I ask if we're going to see each other and that just trips me up. I need advice, I am not good at this dating stuff!

[MaxPayne19]

Well I dont know how your gonna feel about getting advice from a 19 year old male, but I have had a lot of dating experiences in the past. It sounds to me that there might be something that his is not telling you. Something just doesnt make sense about the way he is acting since he keeps changing his mind about getting serious and taking things slow. He might just be afraid of committment because of the troubles of his past relationships with girls. But, if he continues to not call you and show little interest than I think it would probably be the best for both of you if you moved on for someone else. Hope this helps.

[btbt]

Have you ever seen that car commercial with a woman driving some fancy sports car -- the voice over says, "My boyfriend wanted me to give him space. I gave it to him." And the she speeds away...

 

This guy is jerking you around, maybe not intentionally -- he may be thoroughly confused. But you are not, so he either has to meet you where you are or you will find someone who will. It's good to be patient and considerate of him (i.e. give him some space) but comments like "possibly, we'll see each other" are just crappy. So find someone who can't wait to be with you.

[Blurr]

I agree, you definitely sound like a caring, loving woman and you deserve better than to be given the 'possibility' of seeing your so-called b/f.

 

He definitely sounds confused, but I'm wondering if there may be someone else on the side? It's hard to say...but the fact that before you left for Germany he said he loved you and then he ignored all your emails? That makes absolutely no sense to me.

 

How old is this guy? If he's around you age, there is absolutly no reason why he should be 'scared' about his feelings for you. He's playing with your heart and you don't deserve that...you deserve better.

 

I say get rid of him and find someone else who can return your love.

[Jadtt]

Well, he didn't ignore all my emails when I was in Germany, we had a lot of correspondence. And, since I've returned on June 4th we've spent a lot of time together and it's been great. He is almost 30 years old, and told me that he has had bad experiences in past relationships where the girlfriend hasn't always been understanding, and get's upset over petty things, and he compares me to those experiences a lot. He really has a problem understanding that I am a different person.

 

Is it possible that he really does like me, but he is so scared of his feelings? Once he said he has a lot of feelings for me, but he needs to step back and gain some perspective and get to know me.

[Blurr]

When you say you met him in March, do you mean this March?

 

If so thats only four months and while four months is not that long, I think it's long enough to get to know a lot about someone. Especially with the amount of contact you claim that you two have had.

 

At 30 years old he should be mature enough emotionally to understand his feelings and know where things are headed. To continually say he needs to 'step back' and 'put things into perspective', I don't know...it just sounds like an excuse.

 

He most certainly may like you...but does he love you? I don't know. He would be an awfully lot more willing to contact you and spend time with you if he were...thats just my opinion.

 

He has to understand that you are not his past girlfriends...you are a different woman and you have your own unique traits. Try and help him understand that the best you can but if he cannot grasp it then...well, not sure what you can do at that point.

[Jadtt]

I met him this March, for about a month and 1/2 of our relationship we have been out of town and have only talked over the phone. We didn't start dating until early April, so about 3 months now.

 

I'm not worried if he loves me because, quite frankly, not ready for that right now. When I confronted him on the love thing (which he has said many times), and I asked him if he really felt it, he tripped up over his words, and almost started crying. I just told him that's nice if he does, but I'm not there and not ready. After that, he claimed that he was being 'light-hearted' when he said he loved me.

 

Over the past two weeks I have completely backed off and he has been the one to call me. We've spoken every couple of days. I forgot to mention, his roomate who is his best-friend (and is a girl about 40yrs old) is very controlling and demanding of his time. In fact, she is dating someone and started complaining about how her guy is invading her space and taking up too much of her time. About 1 week after that, that is when my guy started freaking out on me.

 

Here's an excerpt of what he wrote to me:

 

well first...there is nothing short of leaving me that you could say that would scare me...

I am quickly falling in love with you and it won't take long until i'm completely there...you make me feel like i always knew it would feel when i met the right person.

I am patient and understanding of your situation...i'm sure i'm not going to be thrilled with it at times, but i want to be with you, so i'll take alot of abuse!

how does that suite you

 

me

[Blurr]

Well, he sounds like he may be confused about his emotions towards you, which is not a bad thing. I find that as men, we say the L word too easily without thinking about it's meaning or the consequences when we do utter those 4 special letters. I doubt he was being light-hearted...it's just something us males say (lord knows I've been guilty of saying it too early and getting myself in trouble!).

 

The fact that you've backed off and he has continued to pursue you makes me think that he is, indeed, interested in continuing things with you (which is not the impression I was getting before). This bit about his roommate being a bit controlling is interesting. Seems like they may share a very close bond. Have you met her? Does she know about you and how does she feel about it? While his friends shouldn't have any impact on your relationship, it's certainly possible so it's something I'd keep my eyes on.

 

Other than that, keep doing what your doing. You sound like a strong, capable woman...let him know where you stand and things should fall into place.

[Jadtt]

I have been friends with his roomate for about 2 years now, really good friends. At first, she was really into us getting together and very excited! Then, I felt like everything changed after the first couple of months, its hard to explain, I feel like she is pushing me away from him. The entire time I have dated this guy, I will stay the night at his house and first thing in the morning on the weekend she get's up and plans out his day for him (things to do around the house, yardwork, etc). Not a problem for me to go home, but I feel like she is causing a rift for us, and maybe she is not doing it consciously.

 

He has been good friends with her for about 6 years or so, helped her get through her divorce. For the first 4 years he was dating someone (the roomate often complained about feeling like a 3rd wheel around them). For the past two years, he has not been in a relationship with anyone and has not dated at all.

[Jadtt]

One more thing about the L:

 

He said it to me and my response was 'You don't even know me'

 

His response was 'I know exactly how I feel and I know that I love you. It has taken me quite a long time to say that to girls before and I'm sure of it now'

[Blurr]

definitely sounds like there is some unspoken feelings between your b/f and his roommate, although the feelings are definitely coming from her.

 

I've seen that before where two people are friends, they mention that one friend should date their mutal friend. Things are good and then the original friend who mentioned the dating becomes jealous, even if they have a significant other.

 

I don't know what it is, but there definitely is some jealousy there, so you're not just imagining things.

 

As for the L word, like I said...us guys say it far earlier than it should be said. Not to say that there is a designated time to say it, but we certainly have an easier time saying it than women (at least from my experience that is what it has seemed like). Whether it's because we feel love differently compared to a woman or it's because we're just stupid and like to rush into things...who knows.

[Jadtt]

Well, after reading my posts, and thinking that his behavior is erratic I started to wonder. Then, his ex started calling all the time. So, I sort of got the feeling that they were involved or there was something he was not telling me.

 

Unfortunately, I decided to stop by his house on Saturday night. She was there. He said he is dating her again, but has feelings for me and wants to continue dating me.

 

This is a girl that he was in a bad relationship with, and was cheating on him for months when they lived together and he was out of town. Someone he's been telling me for months he continued a relationship with her, even though it was bad, because it was comfortable. As soon as she finds out about me, she comes back into his life and wants to get together with him. So they are dating. But he wants to date me. Oh, and by the way, he said he cannot have sex with me because that confuses him.

 

Why are you men so pathetic??? I don't understand any of this.