Terrible feelings at work

[ihaveaproblem]

So I've been feeling like this for 3 years now and finally I have to write about it or I feel like I'm going to explode.

 

How normal is it to hate the person you share a working space in? I work in a lab and I hate my benchmate!!! Even though s/he has done absolutely nothing to warrant my feelings. I had no problem with the person who shared the space before him/her so I know it's not just a matter of sharing space with anybody else. I hate this specific person. Is this type of feeling normal? It's so bad, that it cuts into my productivity because I will find excuses to leave the room when s/he is around. I think I've hidden my feelings pretty well. I don't talk to him/her much but I'm always polite etc.

 

I feel really bad about this, because honestly s/he is a nice person. S/he has some habits that really annoy me but I don't know if it's because of the habits that I dislike him/her so much or if it's because I dislike him/her so much that everything s/he does annoys me. My work is quite stressful so s/he may be a convenient scapegoat for my stress but at the same time half the stress is caused simply because of the way I am feeling towards this person! I think I would be so much happier if I didn't feel this way and also way more productive.

 

I realize this is my problem not theirs so if anybody has any advice to give me on how to deal with these feelings, please let me know. Moving to a different workspace is not possible.

 

Thanks

[Blurr]

I don't understand how you can hate the person you work with if they havn't done anything to you.

 

Hate is a very strong word and not one I use often, or at all, for that matter. There are certainly people I dislike, but no one that I actually hate.

 

Perhaps the best course of action would be to get to know this person a little better? Maybe see what they are doing after work one day and ask them out for coffee...this way you can have a candid conversation outside of work. That way you can perhaps get to know the person and what they are really like because, lets be honest, most of us are quite different at work as compared to outside of it.

 

Give the poor person a chance as you did say they have done nothing to you...it's not right to 'hate', even when you do have a reason.

[ihaveaproblem]

i do talk to this person and so it's not like i don't know what their personality is like and I still feel this way (they have a lot of annoying personality traits). This is a general fault with me. I am most definitely not a people person. I am shy and don't like to interact with people in general although I love to talk to specific people. So I have a personality where I either really like a person or I "hate" a person. hate may be too strong a word but the feeling is strong enough that it affects my life. Unfortunately, these feelings I get are almost instantaneous when i meet somebody for the first time. I don't know why I'm like this. I've really tried to change it and think positively about all the people that I have these sort of feelings for but it isn't working.

 

There have been people that I have gotten to know better and have liked after an initial dislike but these have been very few. As I've said before, I get along on the surface with everybody. I never start fights or say anything mean but I also tend to associate with these people as little as possible because I feel better when I'm not around them thereforeeee I probably do come off as being quite aloof. I'd rather be thought of as aloof though than mean and hateful.

 

Anyway, just getting my feelings off my chest has been helpful. Thanks for the advice

[Blurr]

Well one cannot change ones self overnight...or over several years. You don't need to feel bad for the way you are, it's just the way you are and thats that.

 

I used to be somewhat the same way..in the sense that I was quite shy and aloof. I've changed much over the past few years and have become a little more comfortable with new people that I don't really know.

 

I think, when working with someone closely, the best way to make things work smoothly is to crack a few jokes. I've always had a decent, albiet strange, sense of humor and I find it really lightens the mood.

 

Perhaps be just a wee bit more carefree at work, try not to let these feelings consume you and overshadow your work. I know it is difficult, but we have to try and enjoy our jobs or else it just makes everyday waking up a nightmare.

 

Good luck!

[BellaDonna]

I hate this specific person. Is this type of feeling normal?

 

I would say that is relatively normal. If a person annoys you, sometimes you just can't help it.

 

It's so bad, that it cuts into my productivity because I will find excuses to leave the room when s/he is around.

 

This is where I think it becomes problemsome, or "abnormal". Avoidance of annoying things is normal, but you should not let it start to affect other aspects of your life such as your OWN productivity. Even if the person is right next to you, you have to tune him/her out. Don't let the negative thoughts become pervasive.

 

When I don't like someone, the strategy I use is to "kill them with kindness". Before you know it, being nice to this person will become a habit and you might feel less negative.

 

When I particularly dislike someone to an extreme I try to figure out what it is about the person that gets to me the most.

 

I believe that there is a reason for everyone being in my life and a lesson to it. I then ask myself: What is the lesson from people that continually show me negative behavior and leave me hurt and energetically drained...or just plain annoyed? Why are they allowed to affect me and what is it, EXACTLY that I do not like about them? If I'm honest with myself the majority of the time I come to the realization that all the people I surround myself with are 'mirrors' to reflect back aspects of myself...both positive and negative. Usually when I HATE someone (for no obvious reason) it is mainly because that individual is reflecting back a quality that I either

 

a.) Have myself and DISLIKE

or

b.) WISH I had

 

That is just my personal experience. But it might be enlightening if you ask yourself the following questions:

 

Is there a personality quality or something that you ENVY from this person?

 

and/or

 

Does he/she remind you of something you don't like about YOURSELF?

 

Regardless of the answer, you need to stop letting the negative thoughts about your coworker take over your mind. If after answering the questions above, you find that you still truly "HATE" this person, then think of it this way: Why let someone you think so little of waste so much of your thoughts and affect your own behavior at work. He or she is not worth it.

 

BellaDonna

[ihaveaproblem]

Wow! Fantastic advice!

 

I agree with everything you said. I have tried the trick of being especially nice to this person in an effort to get myself to think positively about him/her. I'm afraid I have a hard time keeping this up. However, I am definitely not mean and I definitely help him/her out with work-related stuff all the time so at least these feelings aren't affecting my professional behavior.

 

I think you are right about projecting inner qualities onto someone or being envious of qualities they might have. I think I am doing both of these with regards to this person. I need to stop comparing myself with people or feeling I have to "compete" with them. I think this is my major problem with my negative attitudes.

 

Thank-you so much! I feel much better.