ONS... trying to understand

[CluelessInFla]

last night I had a one night stand... I swore that I would never have one again after I had a couple of them 3 years ago, but it is amazing how much alcohol can make you forget things like that. I've known this guy for about 4 months now and I had figured out that he was a player a bit ago but I was still attracted to him though I knew I didn't want a relationship with him. I just liked hanging out with him because we're from the same general region and I haven't quite acclimated to the Florida lifestyle... so he was like having a piece of home here. Anyway, he invited me to his friends house and we all got a bit drunk (ok so thats an understatement...). Somehow we ended up having sex in the pool of the building (I have never had sex in a public place like that or in front of others and hadn't ever really planned to). I won't play the saint and say I didn't want to have sex with him because I did. Just not like that. He barely kissed me and it was over in like 15 minutes. When it was over we just got out of the pool and went upstairs and all he said to me was "I hope what happened tonight doesn't change our friendship". He treated me like a prostitute, I seriously felt like I should have been charging him for my time and it was just the worst feeling.

 

He then left and had another friend take me home. Anyway I had left my umbrella in his car and I had told him that when I got to the friends place. Today he calls me and tells me that a friend of his got the umbrella and was going to drop it off at my house. I had told him just to give it to me the next time we see each other at the university, but from what I can figure he went out of his way to make sure he didn't have to see me to give me the d*** umbrella. I mean, its not like I was stressing out over not getting back my $5 umbrella. I couldn't believe that he had his friend go out of his way to go to his house on the other side of town and then come back to our side of town just so that he could avoid me.

 

Now, I am usually the one who tells my friends to not do the whole one night stand because most of the time someone ends up hurt but somehow I am better at giving advice than taking my own (as I think most of us are). What I want to know is, what do guys usually think after a one night stand with someone they've known for a while? Is there guilt? Does he basically just think I am a tramp? (I thought I would never have to ask that question). Why are they so quick to eliminate you from their life? I don't understand why you can't just be friends after that. I don't know what I want to know, I just want to think that somewhere inside him there is a decent person. Yes, I know what I did wasn't decent but its sex- we all crave it to some degree and I don't understand why we (I) always have to feel like crap for slipping up and not doing it under the "right" circumstances. I don't need him to declare that he's in love with me because I don't feel that way about him but I wish I wasn't thrown aside so quickly without thought.

 

 

PS Anyone need further evidence as to why one night stands are not good?

[lady00]

Don't be so down on yourself...maybe you used poor judgement, as you are not happy with the way the friendship has turned out in the end. But hopefully you used protection, right? If so then just take this experience and put it behind you. Have you actually talked to the guy since and found out what he thinks or are you just making assumptions based on the fact that is sending your umbrella back via his friend?

[CluelessInFla]

I think I may be over reacting with the whole umbrella thing... I mean it might just have been that his friend was over at his house or whatever and since his friend lives close by he thought I might need it since we are in hurricane season (lol, that was my optimistic step-sisters response). I am just not a one night stand type person I suppose. I can't just have sex and move on. And no... we unfortunately did not use protection. Another first for me. Actually I am freaking out about that too. Our conversation this afternoon was pretty brief so no, we haven't really talked about it. His friend was actually excited that we had finally done it because now he felt that I was a part of the "group". Ah, my parents would be so proud of my new group of friends (sarcasm for those of you who didn't catch that one)...

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Sounds to me like you should have been paying him, not the otherway around. You after all did initiate it correct? Don't act like you were the one doing him the favor.

That being said, it's only been one night. He might not know what you meant by that act. He might be under the presumption you suddenly want a relationship and not a friendship.

As far as barely kissing -- kissing is one of the most intimate things you can do and he probably felt like by kissing he would be being too intimate.

I don't see why what happened between you needs to affect the friendship in any way. Just don't presume anything.

[CluelessInFla]

Ok, I realize the prostitute thing might have been a little harsh. We both were participants. Anyway, about who initiated what... he did but its not like I was turning him away. I am not trying to play the victim (even though I know it sure sounds like it). I am just trying to figure out what is normal post-one night stand behavior. He was just so distant after it. And yes kissing is intimate but so is sex, so I don't know how you can separate the two. It seems to me like he was making a point of not kissing me to make a point that it wasn't like that... but at the same time, no matter how raunchy the situation was, we were still having sex. People sometimes treat sex as just a physical activity like running, but it just isn't. This is why I can't understand the whole friends with benefits thing... sex is just a very murky area that is easily misinterpreted.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Clue I agree that sex is more intimate than kissing however a lot of people don't feel that way.

Did you know prostitutes wont usually kiss their clients? it is viewed as too romantic/intimate. He was obviously making a point that he considered this just sex and since he considered you a friend he didn't want to confuse you.

He also is currently anxious because he is afraid you want a commitment from him.

[lady00]

First thing's first. Get the morning after pill. And get checked out for STDs. All the emotional baggage stuff can wait...first make sure your health is ok.

[CluelessInFla]

Kissing is my favorite part actually. It just reminds me of my younger days when it was exciting to just make out with someone and nothing else. But I will admit that kissing is much better when its with someone you truly care about.

 

Well, as for his fear of me wanting a relationship, he knows that I don't because we had a long conversation about that on the way to the party. Basically, he said he's not ready to date just one person because he's too young and is leaving florida in a year (we weren't talking about us, the conversation started from something else). I am pretty much in the same boat as he is, I don't really want a relationship right now since I too will likely leave in a year and frankly I just don't have the time between college and work. I like going out (and I mean going out, not sleeping with them) with several guys more than I like the idea of settling with one right now. We both have lived in several different countries and both have divorced parents so its no wonder that stability does not figure too prominently in our vocabularies. So what should I do to maintain the friendship as it was?

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Clue make it clear it was just casual sex but that you don't want it to impede on your friendship and then leave it at that when next you contact each other. From there it's his choice or not whether he wants to be neurotic about it.

Where you both from? where you both leaving too?

[apollocreed71]

the friends with benefits is just hey we are human, and need sex so help a friend out. hey, it works for some. is sex is something that is intimate to u, then it will not work.

HOnestly, hey if u wanted to have sex with him cool. but u did yourself a disservice by doing it in public, and under the influence. everyone who witnessed it are going to basically think u are easy when drunk.

as for the guy, he knows this, definetely not a type of girl to take home to mom. u knew he was a player yet u did it anyway, dont blame the alcohol, as i am sure that it did not drive itself from the liquor store, hold u down and jump down your throat.

 

people use alcohol and drugs as an excuse, u know it effects your judgment, yet people do it and then blame it. honestly, it was in u all the time, u just needed a crutch.

 

as a guy, the player thing. women like that, the more u play, and disrespect the more women u have. women are not attracted to nice guys. they may say thats what they want, but they often choose the player.

 

fact an expert guy can get alot of sex, but a bad woman can get way more sex than the best guy. thats just how it is.

get over it.

next time think before u drink and sex.

j

there is no more pride in sex now, its like owning a playstation, everyone plays. it should be something shared with someone special. hey some people are good at sex, but if there is a emotional connection it becomes even better.

[CluelessInFla]

It is somewhat comforting to know that I might not be the only one who is being neurotic. Well only to an extent. I guess I have been there before where I might have felt that someone wanted a serious relationship that I didn't and I didn't want that person to get the wrong impression. It does put it in perspective.

 

Anyway, we're both from South America and he wants to go to russia and I would be interested in going to somewhere in Asia. Or perhaps go back to Europe... who knows but I don't see myself living anyplace my entire life especially not Florida (will miss no winters though).

[CluelessInFla]

Apollo- You're right alcohol is just a crutch and it could have happened without the alcohol (although it definitely would not have happened in a public pool). And I agree about players getting more girls- they just have more confidence and that is attractive in anyone. And the truth is the qualities that make a person a good "player" also makes them good at what they do for a living... and honestly who doesn't like to be chased? And we've already ruled out him taking me to his mom, not looking to meet his mom... so I guess thats a plus. I am not like this usually. It wasn't the first ONS but I have had 3 total and I am almost 24, it's just a few misguided slipups, not a lifestyle. But I suppose that thats what he thinks of me now... oh well.

 

Lady00- thanks for your concern. I will make an appointment this week.