Oh Lordy! This just gets better and better!

[Sophia99]

Hi folks

 

The story so far, in brief, is that I saw my ex with another girl a few weeks ago. Despite his looking at me and smiling at me, I ignored him and walked on. I was crushed inside and cried for days. But I posted on here, took the advice and started seeing someone else on a "friends only" basis. Then the ex got in touch - he'd dumped his new girlfriend (who didn't take it well) and wanted me back. He wasn't happy I was dating again and I refused to meet up with him although we did speak daily on IM. The full story is on this link:

 

link removed

 

People - I did a lot of the stuff you're supposed to do in NC. I never initiated contact - although he did several times. I joined a gym and look better than I have done in years. I updated my wardrobe. I made new friends. I got the job I've wanted for years beating several other more qualified people. I'm getting there.

 

So - what happened next? After keeping the contact minimal and IM only over the last couple of weeks, I finally agreed to meet up with him today. For lunch. I wasn't taking any chances!

 

Long lunch as it happens. And we got on brilliantly. But he was very emotional. Very upset. And he told me he loved me and always had but was scared of a full-on relationship. Apparently he's over that fear now because he asked me to marry him.

 

*pause for gasps*

 

I really want to say yes. But I'm scared he'll get scared and run away again. Short of nailing him to the floor to make sure this doesn't happen I don't know what to do next.

 

Help?

[arwen]

 

 

You have him right where you wanted him, and are a stronger person than ever, it seems. Good for you.

 

Well, I wouldn't say yes to him. Not NOW. You haven't even had a proper reconciliation yet. When people break up and get back together, they often break up for exactly the same reasons they did the first time. You don't want the next break up:

 

1. to occur

2. to be a divorce

 

So I'd agree to dating first, then see if he's really serious about things sufficiently for a relationship, and THEN, MAYBE, you can talk about marriage.

 

Ilse.

[Sophia99]

Thanks Ilse - that's what I've been thinking. I cancelled my plans for tonight so that I could stay home and have a good long think. Plus, I don't want any "good" advice from my friends at the moment!

 

I did suggest we date for a while - dating only! He's agreeable to that. Is is cruel of me to want to test him out before I get serious with him again? I think he has to prove himself to me.

 

And, yes, this is the man I want to marry. Always have done, probably always will. I can see it happening - at last!

 

But once bitten and all that...

 

Keep the advice coming folks!

[fate or freewill]

I'm glad to hear of a good success story on your part, but I am concerned with your ex's behavior of leaving and coming back.

 

My ex from high school and I have the same pattern spread over 20 years now. We get together for a few months or years then she just leaves for years at a time.

 

You can see that this is not a healthy relationship pattern and I'm afraid yours might develop the same way.

 

Since your in control of the situation now, I would suggest you date for the next few years and see how things go, if you find he disappears again, you may want to reconsider who the love of your life is and find another one.

[Hope75]

Is is cruel of me to want to test him out before I get serious with him again? I think he has to prove himself to me.

 

No absolutely not, it would be smart to 'date' him only for awhile before you commit to anything serious. Make him show what's changed, and make him earn your trust and respect.

 

Date him for awhile and if he can show you how much things have changed, you talk about a more serious relationship, but I would NOT accept a marriage proposal for at least a year or more.

 

He just left this other girl, give him time to figure out what's really going on in his head, and don't let take advantage of you.

 

Good luck, and keep us updated!

[DN]

I just saw this because of a post you made today - and I have to say I disagree with the advice not to accept his proposal, or at least not yet.

 

He has demonstrated that he loves you - he wants you back, he overcame his fear of a relationship, he gathered up his courage to ask you to marry him - and then you put him on hold.

 

So now, despite the fact that he says he is prepared to wait, don't you think that there is a nagging worry in the back of his head that he was right to not fully commit in the first place? Have you validated his concern about the relationship? Might he not think that this is payback and come to resent you because of it?

 

I understand your concerns but, in my opinion, there are only two really acceptable answers to a marriage proposal "Yes, please,." or "No, thank you.". Anything else is equivocal and undermines trust that the love is strong enough.

 

I understand why you did what you did,and I also understand why other people are validating you. But I think you would be better employed planning your future together, making a commitment to each other that demonstrates your mutual love and working out how to make the marriage work with love and understanding.

 

The wounds we inflict on each other early in relationships can last a long time unless properly healed - and the way to heal one wound is not to inflict another.

[Sophia99]

Hi DN and thanks for your comments. I have to say I agree with you and every day I agree more.

 

News for you all then! I can't wait any longer. We've both wasted too much time already and he's shown no sign of changing his mind again.

 

Life is too short and too precious to play games. Wish me luck as I plan to tell him yes on Friday evening. And shhhhhhhhhh! it's a secret!

 

Hands up if you want wedding cake!

[Hope75]

Good Luck...

 

Although I don't see how in just 10 days you can feel 100% confident he won't run again. He's hurt you once before, and he just left this other girl a few short weeks ago.

 

I would plan for a L-O-N-G engagement, and continue to let him show you how much he's willing to work at this relationship together.

[DN]

I agree that a longish engagement is a good idea. But make sure you get the ring and a date. IMO, an engagment isn't an engagement without both - particularly the date.

[Sophia99]

I think an engagement will show him that I'm serious. I'm not keen on too long an engagement though - I think a promise to marry is as good as marriage anyway. If he's going to run again, he'll do it long before we get to "I do" but I don't think that will happen. If it does, I'm ready for it and there'll be no more chances.

 

As for the other girl, I don't get the impression she was anything serious - not to him at least. She may have had other ideas - she trashed his place when he told her it was off. Hardly attractive behaviour! But I'm not sure he'll be going back to her for round two!

 

Will let you know when we set a date DN!

[DN]

If he's going to run again, he'll do it long before we get to "I do" but I don't think that will happen. If it does, I'm ready for it and there'll be no more chances. /quote]

 

Exactly my point. Being engaged means he has made a commitment, and human psychology being what it is we like to validate our decisions and to feel we made the right one. That is why it is important that you work to help him do that.

 

Ever notice that once you have made a decision to buy a new car and even when you have signed the paperwork, the salesman will congratulate you on making a smart decision? He is validating your choice - so you will not change your mind and also so you come back to the dealership next time you want to buy a car. He is using the exact same psychology.

[Tigris]

I think you should have a long engagement as well. A year! This would test the both of you.

 

My female intuition tells me that he may not even turn up on the day to say 'I do!'

 

How do you think you'd feel if that happened?

 

 

However, I do hope I am wrong!

 

Good Luck

[Hope75]

Being engaged means he has made a commitment, and human psychology being what it is we like to validate our decisions and to feel we made the right one. That is why it is important that you work to help him do that.

 

I don't believe people value engagement & marriage as much as they once did, and I still question his ability to stick around, based on previous actions. Look at the # of divorces now. I believe it is 2/3 or marriages end in divorce now?

 

Of course I would love to be proven wrong in this case, but please be careful and at the very least have a long engagement.

 

It would be that much harder if he marries you and then bolts.

 

Best of luck.

[DN]

I agree but, by the same reasoning, why would a postponed engagement be any more likely to succeed than one made now - when he has made a commitment to her by asking her to marry him.

 

The fact that someone is unsure of a relationship and breaks up doesn't make them a bad person. It makes them honest about their uncertainty - and sometimes that time apart does make them realise that they do love their partner, that they do want to marry them and they do want to spend the rest of their lives with them. And sometimes the realisation of those facts makes the commitment even stronger because they have experienced what it is like to be without their partner - and don't like it.

 

When my girlfriend came back to me after some months of breakup when she returned to her own country we were engaged very soon and married within a year. I was very confident that she loved me - because she proved it by coming back to me.

 

There are no guarantees - but all relationships are risky.

[Hope75]

Point well taken, DN. You speak from experience, and it makes sense.

[Sophia99]

Well, I couldn't wait - I told him last night and he's delighted! And it feels right. No long engagement - we plan to marry before the year is out. Why wait? We're done with waiting.

 

DN is right - all relationships are risky. But so is life. Two weeks ago the bombs went off not far from where I work. The people hurt or killed were doing nothing more risky than going to work. Yesterday, tragedy was only just averted when it was tried again. Maybe that's what concentrated my mind and made me decide to take the chance. I don't know. But I do know that if I can gamble with my life when I take a bus, gambling with my heart is a piece of cake.

 

It might go horribly wrong. But it might go wonderfully right. What do any of us know? I refuse to live a life of "what if" any more.

 

Thank you all for your input here. I've really appreciated all of your comments.

 

I wish you all all the love in the world. xxx

[DN]

Congratulations and the very best of luck. I hope all goes well for you.

[Tigris]

I hope you have a happy life together!

 

Good Luck