Do I question him?

[livethetruth]

I have been seeing a man for the past nine months. The relationship started out beautifully but then the rocky road came. When we first started dating I had been out of a previous 6-year relationship for about 6 months. He said he had previously dated a particular woman on and off for the past 16 years and that it was over and the last time they had slept together was about a month before we started dating. I was managing a volunteer organizaton at the time we started dating. Ironically, about 3 weeks into our relationship a lady called my office and inquired on volunteering for the organization. I took her number home to call her back later that evening and left it on my desk. My boyfriend came over that evening and was near my desk and became extremely nervous. I did not know what was wrong with him...he just started pacing. I asked what was wrong and he said " how do you know this lady". He obviously saw the number on my desk. I explained that it was a potential volunteer that I had to call back. He stated that he knew her as well. Finally, he admitted that she was the lady that he had been with for 16 years. This sent chills up my spine. He said that the relationship with her was over and he had no intentions of being with her. I said fine....it is either a coincidence that she is calling me to volunteer or she has figured out that I am who he is with now. He said that she probably knew who I was and where I worked and was capable of having him and myself watched. I decided to let this go....told him that I cared about him enough that this would not stand between us. Did not hear from her anymore concerning volunteering for several months then finally she called again. I had my supervisor call her back and inquire whether she wanted to volunteer or not. Their conversation was short and we have not heard from her since. Just some background on the rocky parts of the relationship....I had been accused several months ago (not in a delicate way either) of sleeping with my neighbors husband. I am very good friends with the entire family and they are like an extended family to me. When the husband (he tends to speak his mind openly) first met my boyfriend he told him that I was a wonderful lady and that he thought the world of me and if he wasnt married he would have me on his arm in a minute. I know that he was just trying to let my boyfriend know that I was a good person...however, my bf did not take this in the way it was meant and began accusing us of having a secret relationship. It finally was addressed when the wife of this man called my bf and assurred him that her husband and I were not having an affair. My boyfriend tends to get agitated very easily and can vent his daily fustrations verbally and say some pretty snide remarks. I generally try to deal with these outburst as rationally as I can but have not been able to every time and have on a few occasions yelled back or said something sarcastic when I have had enough. One comment was "how often have you talked to her?" (his ex). Which he stated that she called him all the time. Last nite he asked me to pay some bills for him....which I did (with his money not mine) One was the cell phone bill. All of his calls are itemized. His ex's number was on it repeatedly (him calling her). I looked at the past months bills as well....same thing. I really care deeply for him and want to trust him and not jump to conclusions but feel that I need a solid answer. I am ok with the fact that maybe they are just to be friends....I would never deny anyone a friendship with someone else. But my gut is telling me that this may be more. Should I question him?

[reflectionlessmirror]

Sure, go ahead and ask him. You have the right to know! Although the fact that he didnt hide the phone bill from you is inocnet enoguh. If somehting was going on, would he ask you to pay it where you can see all the calls?

[ladyluck]

well yea you have a right to question him if it was over between them then it should be OVER he should have no need to talk to her when he's in a relationship with you and if it's constantly calling her there just might be more than a friend ship going on. but sit him down and talk it out

[livethetruth]

The phone bill is itemized with numbers only...no names. I really don't think that he would realize I would recognize her number.

[Love Her Like Crazy]

Wow!

 

There are like 5 or 6 major clues it would seem to me that something could be going on.

 

First - The guy has been in a relationship for 16 years with this woman and as creatures of habit, humans tend to go where they are most comfortable in times of stress. And if you two are having stress, the natural tendency would be to go to her, which is where he has been for the last 16 years.

 

Second - The fact that he slept with her only 30 days prior to you getting together would indicate that they are still comfortable enough with each other to be intimate. A 16 year relationship that still has intimacy in it is a very difficult thing to erase from your mind. Especially for a man.

 

Third - The ex calls your orginization to offer volunteer services, but then never calls back and never volunteers? That is not a ccincidence in my book no matter how you slice it. That is a jealous ex.

 

Fourth - He attempts to make her look bad in your eyes by telling you that she is capable of having you and him watched and followed? This in my opinion is not nervous energy, this is a blatant attempt to put up a wall between you and her so that you do not in fact have an opportunity to catch him doing something that he feels guilty about.

 

Fifth - The frequent phone calls from both him to her and from her to him is a really big indicator that their relationship is not only aged and mature but that it is still strong enough to trust and confide in each other. And in a relationship that strong, it is not a reach to suspect that they are sleeping together.

 

Sixth - He accuses you of cheating ? Wow. From what I hear, the only people who do that are people that are guilty of it themselves. Or at least guilty of thinking about it anyways.

 

I mean after all 16 years is a lifetime and as comfortable as a couple gets after that much time, regardless of the reasons that they separated, that type of comfort becomes second nature.

 

Now, I dont want to sound like the bad guy here, but these are all pretty solid indicators that something MAY be going on. Not to say that it is of course, but I would be strongly suspect personally.

 

Of course there is always a chance that his relationship with his ex is in fact purely a friendship and there is nothing wrong with having a good friend that you can confide in. Certainly everyone deserves a couple.

 

But for my ten cents worth, I would find out for sure if this man is as dedicated to you as he was ( and maybe still is ) to his ex before I moved further down the road with him. And I mean more then just sitting him down and asking him although that is certainly the first step. They say that 9 out of 10 times when you think someone is cheating on you they actually are.

 

People are much more perceptive then they give themselves credit for. Trust your intuition.

[reflectionlessmirror]

Ah ha. Call her number and ask her! No just kidding, dont do that.Liek the other poster said, talk to him about it.

[Hope75]

Just tell him you recognized the number, and you want to know why he's calling her so much. It's a perfectly legitmate question. If he gets angry and defensive, he's probably got something to hide.

 

I would ask him about it if I were you.

[RandomAdvisor]

Definitly question him about it. I second the thought that he may accusing you of cheating because he's guilty of it himself. Are there any other signs he may be cheating now that you're thinking of it?

[livethetruth]

Finally got the courage to ask my boyfriend why he was still in contact on such a frequent basis with his ex. Basically, I just calmly said "Can I please talk to you about something?" He said "what" and I replied "(his ex's name)". He just sat there...no comment. So I said "Do you still have feelings for her?" He mumbled something, I think it was "no". I then stated "you know you gave me your cell phone bill to pay the other nite and I noticed that you call her quite frequently sometimes several times a day?....I have no problem with you having a friendship, but I felt like there could be something more and I need for you to tell me if there is...I have a right to know" He replied "we don't see each other, we just talk" Then he got up and started to do some laundry and it was obvious that he was mad by the slamming of things. He finally walked back in the room and said "well you have your answer....anything else you would like to know?" And I said " just whether or not you have enough respect for me that if you felt you wanted to be with her or someone else you would let me know first instead of going behind my back" He said yes then told me to leave...which I did....haven't heard from him since...2 days. I told myself that if he said there was nothing going on I would believe him and trust in that. However, his reaction to this and the fact that he has stayed in very frequent contact with someone that he said was having him followed and watched as well as me followed and watched just does not add up. I just don't understand why someone would even stay in communication with someone they thought was watching every move they made. Now I don't know what to do.

Thanks for everyone's previous input on my first post.

[bellamcb]

It seems like he wants to get caught though I don't know why he would want that. The phone bill? I really think he knew you'd look at it and recognize the number. It's not a big leap at all- think about it- you did review it and you did recognize it. Subconsciously or otherwise, I believe he knew you'd pick up on it.

 

His reaction to your remarks??? It's so clear something is going on there and if there wasn't, he would have calmly reassured you. He wouldn't have gotten angry much less asked you to leave. He made it a bigger deal than you were making it. That is really odd.

 

So, why would someone want to get found out? Maybe he's not ready to move past Ms. 16-year. If that's the case, he's not only forcing the relationship (in a passive aggressive way) to end, but he's also validating that it still exists.

 

You sound so normal and healthy and great- you deserve better!

[Hope75]

I have to agree with bella on this one I'm afraid.

 

As I suspected, his reaction tells you everything you need to know. He was very upset and defensive about it, and had no reason to get angry, given the way you brought it up, unless he had something to hide. At the very least, he still does love her, and at the very worst, he is involved with her behind your back.

 

Either way you need to ask yourself if you are prepared to settle for someone who obviously is not over his ex, and who it seems as though you cannot trust.

 

He's given you a two day head start, maybe you can tell him if he ever bothers to call back/come back, that you deserve better and am not willing to allow yourself to be victimized or treated this way.

 

You had every right to be concerned, and his reaction to your question confirms what you had suspected already.

 

Now, what will your next move be?

 

 

[RandomAdvisor]

I'd break up with him if I were you.

[saltwatergirl]

The ONLY reason for an angry reaction when we question people is if THEY ARE GUILTY OF SOMETHING. Unless of course we're constantly interrogating them for no particular reason, which im sure isnt the case with you. I'd definitely say you have your answer, and now all you need to do is decide what to do about it.

 

Personally, I hate cheaters and liars. When I finally get over that "urge" to catch them, I begin to move on. First mentally, then physically. Its not hard when you have had enough...mind over matter.

 

I hope you can do the same.

 

Salt