Why can't I hang on to any of my friends?

[ReaderGrrl]

This is really frustrating for me, since I've always been shy and have always had a hard time making friends. Since I've been in college I've feel I've made quite a bit of headway, except that the few people I've considered my friends keep pulling away from me. There was this really cool, fun, exciting woman who lived in my dorm, and we used to hang out a lot. She even told her other friends in front of me that she "loved" me (in a platonic way, I mean), and I really liked her (same way). But then she just started being around less and less, saying she was "really busy these days." When she graduated she never even saud goodbye, and now she's living accross country and won't even send me an email.

 

Another friend of mine graduated a year before me, and I thought we were really close. I think I was her best friend on campus. We were able to laugh and talk about deep serious things as well. She moved to San Jose, and there's just a weird area-code thing where I can't call her without a calling card. But I've been able to leave two messages on her cell, so you'd think she's try to reach me. If there's the same connection glitch on her end, then why hasn't she emailed instead? I know she doesn't have a computer, but there's free Internet all over these days.

 

I'm starting to think that the only (non-parental) relationship that matters is a romantic one. People seem to let their friends drop off the map, but they will move heaven and earth to connect with their girlfriends/boyfriends/whatever. My first friend let me go while she moved to another state to live with her girlfriend. My second apparently ignores me, but finds time to drive way up north to see her boyfriend on weekends.

[Riley]

Thats really true. You should try and hang out with more guys and find a boyfriend. I know thats not easy.Im not saying friend relationships arent significant but romantic relationships matter a lot more. If you have a really good bf/gf. People go out of there way for there gf/bf b/c those ppl are their top priority over friends. Get a boyfriend and ur feelings will change.

[settinuplife]

That is true, if you have a boy/girlfriend, your friends dont seem to matter as much anymore, it's sad but true. The older you get the more true this is too.

[Tried]

I think that the definition of a romantic relationship are ethereal. When i feel out the differences between my romantic intimate relationships and my just intimate relationships, the main difference i find is physical interaction. That physical interaction which is so important and causes more intensity and reliance on that particular intimacy. However, time and time again, in an attempt to be a keen observer, find it very dangerous to rely only on romantic relationships. I have seen many examples of people who put all their cards on their boy or girlfriend, all it really does is make for a risky situation. In a romantic relationship two people are trying to have as much common as possible, with all the responsibilities and ties that one must make to have such a commitment, people don't become lovers with anybody that they could be friends with for a reason! Thus i think that it is ultimately healthy to have intimacy with more people then jsut your lover. I am talking from seeing so many examples, of people that put a little too much into their romantic relationships. This is jsut how life is, you are close to someone and the next month you barely know them, people change situations change, feelings change. There are always new people to meet. And just because these people arent contacting you doesnt mean they dont still like you. Just because you feel it is necessary for communication to be at a certain level in order for real friendship to be existant doesnt mean they do. So try and cope with their definitions of life as well and you will be happiest, appreciate what you do get from eachother and suffer not from what you want to get. If you really think that you have a problem and that your friends just lose interest or abandon you, take heart and do not blame yourself or them unless you truly want to. Your situation is not so hopeless in that life as it is for all people is adorned with countless meetings of people, the farther another grows from you the more potential you have for the next person to come along, and in your situation these seperations have not ended on a bad note. In this situation make what they want what you want, make what they think is right what you think is right because there are no rules and regulations for friendship, the nature of friendship flourishes best when there is no blaming. Im sure some people will have a problem with the previous sentance but what im really trying to say is that sometimes you just have to feel it out and try to not just understand another persons point of veiw but literally feel their point of veiw.

Keep your chin up reader girl, that you are blessed enough to say you have had very close relationships is a testament to your character int he first place... Some can never say it at all.

Good luck

[smallworld]

Hey ReaderGrrl, I feel for you. I've moved approximately every 4 years since college and have had the same problems with friends. I wouldn't take it personally. I doubt you're doing anything wrong. I think it's the nature of the way things are these days. People moving all over the country (and world!) for jobs etc. ,working long hours, and living their own self-absorbed lives. It's not right to treat friends so disposably, but the sooner you accept that most people take their friendships for granted, the less likely you are to get hurt.

 

Having a bf/gf that loves you is wonderful, but I think the real solution is to BE the kind of friend to others that you want to have. Treat others the way you want to be treated, and your friendships should increase in their quality with regards to depth, trust, respect, and affection.