Discussion w/ Ex at Workplace

[PB]

Hi

 

I haven't posted for awhile...

 

Basically, I had 4 year relationship with a lady I share an office with at work. She went to a high school reunion last July and met up with a guy who she went to school with who had a "secret" crush on her all through school.

 

He found out she was single and started "wooing" her. She told me he was just a friend, but I could tell that she was somewhat interested--especially in all the attention he started giving her.

 

I finally decided to break up with her after she went on a long weekend trip with he and some of his family & friends. She cried, etc... and tried for about a week or so to get me to reconsider (she still insisted that he was just a friend--but she also made it clear that she would continue doing things with him if he asked).

 

This was unacceptable to me so I did not agree to her desire to resume the relationship. Another week or so went by and I started to feel guilty and admittedly a little lonely. I started wondering if I had been too harsh and that maybe he was "just a friend" like she said. At this point, I made an effort to reconnect with her (remember I see her every day at work).

 

By this time however, she and the new guy had started a committed relationship. This made me really mad because this in my mind confirmed the fact that she was attracted to him all along.

 

Anyway, I then got very depressed and started posting my woe here on this website. It was very helpful for me to be able to come here and either vent or get a little advice.

 

At first I decided that I would just be the best friend that I could be for her and hope that she'd see that we still had something worthwhile to work on. I gave myself a deadline of 6 weeks. I decided that I would try for six weeks to get her back. After 6 weeks, if she did not change her mind, I would try to move on.

 

Well, for 6 weeks, she and I had a lot of good times together and I was somewhat hopeful. But it always eventually got down to the point of her pushing me away.

 

Finally, after 6 weeks I decided that I was driving myself crazy and that I needed to implement some sort of NC. I did not particularly want to change jobs, so I just decided that I would turn my friendship towards her "off", and just try to keep things low key.

 

That is what I've done. I can't say that it has been easy. Several weeks ago, we had a big blow up in the office (resulting from my coolness towards her). The next day, we agreed to go eat dinner together. We were friendly. I think she thought that we were now going to revert to being best buddies. However, my goal was to tone down our emotions a little so that we would not blow up at each other in the office again.

 

Since that time, I've still been maintaining my distance from her. I do not ask her about what's going on in her life--although I end up hearing about in roundabout ways from other coworkers.

 

This morning, out of the blue, she came over to my side of our partitioned office and plopped down in my "guest" chair and sort of stared at me. Then she started talking and it was some of the same stuff I'd heard before.

 

She said that she was sorry for what she did and that she knew that she hurt me. She wanted to know if I hate her, and whether or not it makes me sick to be around her every day.

 

I told her that I do not hate her, but I'm that doing what's best for me.

 

She went on to say that she missed "her old friend" (me) and that she knows "that friend is in there somewhere".

 

I told her that "her friend" is still there but he doesn't care to play anymore.

 

She asked me if I could envision us ever being friends again. I told her that I did not know but that I was going to do what's best for me. Right now, this is what is best for me.

 

She said well it's not best for me--it's driving me crazy.

 

I said, well, I'm not concerned about that. I will do what is best for me.

 

We ended up sitting there and staring at each other for quite awhile.

 

She said that she wanted me each day to try and forgive her a little. I told her that forgiveness and forgetting are two different things.

 

She said that she wished that we had stayed friends and had not become lovers and she's sure that I felt the same way. I did not comment.

 

She kept referring back to our dinner together where she thought that we had transitioned into being friends. It made her mad when I told her the purpose of that dinner was to tone down the emotions so we do not make a scene at work.

 

She asked me if she was going to have to make a scene to get my attention. I ignored her comment.

 

Note that none of this discussion was "heated". We were both calm. She had tears welling up in her eyes, but I was mostly very detached and matter of fact about the whole thing.

 

Something came up (someone entered the office or something) that ended the conversation and caused her to return to her side of the partition. I then had a 2 hour meeting. Since I've returned to the office, we are back into our own little worlds again.

 

I don't guess I have a question. I guess I'm just proud of myself for not getting all sappy with her, nor having the discussion deteriorate into a yelling match.

 

Who knows? Maybe I'm gonna be all right...

[self_cutter_101]

i have a question, i know its gonna sound stupid but, what is NC?!?

[hockeyboy]

i have a question, i know its gonna sound stupid but, what is NC?!?

 

its No Contact.

 

PB,

I think your doing very well for yourself, espeacially considering all of the circumstances. Your not letting her suck you into that trap that she wants. She wants it all, she wants you and the other guy and your not giving her that so she gets upset like a child. Just another reason why you should continue to move on

[Blurr]

I think what you've done is right. Perhaps getting jealous of her highschool friend wasn't the right thing to do nor was breaking things off with her, but thats in the past and at this point is no longer relevant.

 

I think the way you've handled things shows that you are commited to getting over her and moving on. However, I still think that she truly wants to be friends. I think that even though you had feelings for her (and probably still do) it is a little on the harsh side to just shut her out because she has found a new love interest.

 

Although I must say that I am guilty of a similar situation. I had a crush on a high school friend of mine for a long time. We went out a few times but I always got the cold shoulder when I tried any of the old 'wrap-your-arm-around-her' moves and such. Once I confronted her about the chance of us ever hooking up she steadfastly said 'No, never'.

 

Well that summed up the deal for me and I decided that I didn't want to be friends either. It does get annoying when she calls me to go hang out or go for drinks and it makes ME feel like I'm the bad guy for refusing, but in the end I had to do what was right for me. I couldn't hang out with someone who I had some very strong feelings for because, as much as I may have wanted to be friends, those feelings would always be near the top and it would have killed me.

 

So I see where you are coming from and can sympathize with your situation. Good luck!

[PB]

i have a question, i know its gonna sound stupid but, what is NC?!?

 

heh. Are you new here? I didn't know what that meant when I stumbled upon this board either.

 

It stands for No Contact. Basically, the idea is that you don't make yourself available to your ex after a breakup (email, messages, visits, etc..) so that you can heal.

 

I can't fully do that without quitting my job, so I've been trying to just limit my contact as best I can.

[PB]

PB,

I think your doing very well for yourself, espeacially considering all of the circumstances. Your not letting her suck you into that trap that she wants. She wants it all, she wants you and the other guy and your not giving her that so she gets upset like a child. Just another reason why you should continue to move on

 

Thanks for the encouraging words hockeyboy. There is a part of me that is refusing to "do what is best for her" and trying to focus on "what's best for me".

 

I'm trying to learn some healthy selfishness.

[lunatic]

Perhaps getting jealous of her highschool friend wasn't the right thing to do nor was breaking things off with her, but thats in the past and at this point is no longer relevant.

 

Sorry I have to place my two cents in on this one. Blurr I dont think it is right or wrong the way he handled this situation. Personally, I think PB did a great job trying to keep the situation down while at work.

 

PB I would have done the same thing you did and I think it was unfair of her to hang out with this man (we know now they had an attraction) when she was with you. Keep doing what you are doing right now and keep the contact with her as little as possible. I know this hurts and it is hard to keep looking over your shoulder seeing her. I have an ex that works with me also and I know how stressful that is. Be strong bro and all will fall into place. Remember that one day you will have to deal with this "situation" with her. Your going to have to forgive her one day even though she may not deserve it.

 

Last piece of advice is to MOVE ON. Start putting your life back together. Go workout, go out with friends, or anything that will keep your mind busy.

 

Good luck and be strong!

-hub

[PB]

... I still think that she truly wants to be friends. I think that even though you had feelings for her (and probably still do) it is a little on the harsh side to just shut her out because she has found a new love interest.

 

Blurr, I don't disagree with you. I miss her friendship. I just don't want to go back to those feelings of wanting something more. The more I interact with her, the more difficult it is for me to separate the feelings.

[Blurr]

I understand completely PB.

 

As I said in my situation, there was no way that I could remain friends with this girl with the strong feelings that I had. I knew that everytime we would have been hanging out or whatnot, those feelings would be gnawing at the back of my brain and just killing me.

 

So you're healthy selfishness is a good step and one that I took as well. Sometimes you feel like the bad guy but you have to do what is best for you and what is going to make YOU feel good.

[Good4Love]

Your post is amazing in how it reflects my current situation. I was seeing a co-worker rather passionately for 4 months and I became completely infatuated with her over that time and I thought she was with me as well. We work literally right next to each other at work.

 

Well she later tells me that she had been in a short relationship with another one of our co-workers before we were togther, a guy who sits to the other side of me. I was a little freaked out by that, but I let it slide. The next thing I know, she wanted to go out on a date with him. Even though I told her that would spell the end of us, she begged me not to go, but she also refused to not see him. She faltered once before seeing him and told me that there was only me and she wanted that we never mention this guy again. But two weeks later she went out with him anyway. Then she started seeing him more regularly, but she wanted to continue seeing me too. I refused and was devastated by all this. The other guy still has no idea I was seeing her. She tried to promise me that she was just "intrigued" by him and that there was no future with him and that she really preferred me to him. None of this made sense and I tried to wait it out, but I couldn't and I gave her another ultimatum which she declined. I was baffled.

 

Now here we are, the other guy left the company and I knwo she still wants him. So she tried a few times to get together with me, but these encounters lacked the passion we once had. I'm very much in love with her, but too much has been broken here for me to continue.

 

In the meantine, is excruciating to have her this close, so I feel for you. Especially after a 4 year relationship.

[Cecelius]

PB, it sounds pretty masterful. You know that she is seeking you out primarily because she feels skanky for stepping out on you and/or hooking up with this guy when the grave was hardly cold.

 

She's not worth any consideration, frankly, and you can make plenty of friends.

[heloladies21]

Friend, you're doing very well. I'm proud of you! Keep on being strong.

[PB]

hubman01 said:

 

Remember that one day you will have to deal with this "situation" with her. Your going to have to forgive her one day even though she may not deserve it.

 

I actually think about this quite often...

 

I'm not much of a religious person, but the whole forgiveness, redemption thing is quite complex and certainly something each of us could probably benefit from considering.

 

The thought of forgiving her and embracing her friendship is incredibly enticing.

[Cecelius]

You can forgive her and keep your principles while still realizing that she's poisonous. If you let her back into your life you are giving her the message that what happened is, at the end of the day, okay, or at least not that bad.

 

View it as if you are doing her a favor: most people who cheat do not stop doing it unless they actually feel a loss resulting from it. You are helping her not to do this again.

[PB]

You can forgive her and keep your principles while still realizing that she's poisonous. If you let her back into your life you are giving her the message that what happened is, at the end of the day, okay, or at least not that bad.

 

View it as if you are doing her a favor: most people who cheat do not stop doing it unless they actually feel a loss resulting from it. You are helping her not to do this again.

 

Cecelius, thanks for your perspective. Your views tend to counterbalance the side of me that can get a little too sappy when it comes to this situation.

 

I don't think I'd call her poisonous. She did not (I believe) willfully try to hurt anyone. I just think that she wasn't entirely happy with our relationship. Ideally, it might have been better for both of us in the long term if she could have expressed that to me in a more understandable way before a 3rd party came into the picture.

 

I think she probably stayed with me longer than she really wanted to because the alternative (being alone) was too scary for her. Was that exactly fair to me? No. Does it make her poisonous? Not really.

 

As far as "cheating" goes. To my knowledge (which is pretty good) she did not have a sexual relationship with him prior to our breaking up. In some ways, I think I could have handled a physical fling between them better than what actually happened.

 

She's not with him instead of me because of some powerful sexual attraction between the two of them. She likes him because they have admittedly more in common with each other than she and I ever did, and he's the type that is willing to give her the nurturing kind of support that she likes and vice versa.

 

If my feelings had not been trampled on a little in the process, I could be happy for her. Heck, I would like to meet a "soulmate" myself.

 

I wonder how decent I would have been to her if the reverse had happened?

 

What if some lady had come into my life out of the blue and started treating me in ways that indicated to me that she was "much more" compatible with me than I was with my ex?

 

How would I have dealt with that dilemma, considering that my ex and I were not married nor engaged?

[Liquidius]

When you were together, as far as you know she did nothing wrong. She threw herself into a relationship after you split, and that's just insensitive. If I'd met who I thought was my soulmate at that point, I'd leap at the chance too.

 

The key is to only forgive her when you feel you can. When you can be around her and not think about what you shared, and not hope for it back. You should forgive her when you're healed, and doing it for all the right reasons.

[PB]

When you were together, as far as you know she did nothing wrong. She threw herself into a relationship after you split, and that's just insensitive. If I'd met who I thought was my soulmate at that point, I'd leap at the chance too.

 

You are right and this is one of the reasons that it is difficult for me. Deep down, I know she is a decent person. She has probably handled the whole thing better than I would have done in the same situation. At a certain level, it bothers me to be hurting her feelings.

 

My coldness towards her is a shield that I'm using right now to protect myself from additional hurt.

[PB]

I did something a little stupid today...

 

As I have said, my ex and I share and office but are only communicating at the bare mininum. Good morning; good evening; (sometimes neither) and that's about it.

 

For some reason today, I decided to eat lunch at a restaurant that is one of her favorite places to eat. I don't think I've eaten there since we broke up.

 

They have this little bowl of fennel seeds & mints sitting at the door on the way out. We used to laugh and joke about how terrible they taste. I picked up a pinch of them and put them into my pocket. I don't know why I did it. I think at some level, I was missing some of the good times that we had there.

 

Well, when I got back from lunch, out of the blue she asked me where I went to eat lunch. She NEVER asks me this any more--nor, do I ever ask her.

 

Normally, I would have probably told her none of her business but because I had those seeds in my pocket, I went over to her side of the office and sprinkled a few on her desktop. She got a laugh out of it and immediately knew where I had gone.

 

The problem I guess is that she took this as her cue to chit-chat some. She started asking me about my family, etc...

 

During the course of the conversation, she made some statement that made me realize that she had recently been to this same restaurant with her new bf. For some reason, this immediately put me into a "funk" (for lack of a better term) for the next hour or so.

 

I guess it was pretty obvious to me that I still just don't handle conversing with her very well.

 

Another thing she said was that our mutual best friend in the office (who as far as I know doesn't know about what happened between us) was quizzing her again today about what my ex thought was bothering me--that I seemed to be depressed about something. That sort of ticked me off too, because this friend never asks me what is bothering me--she always asks my ex what is bothering me.

 

I asked my ex what she told her. I didn't get too clear of an answer. One of the things she said, was "Do you want me to tell her?" I said no. She asked me if I would tell this friend the true story, if she asked me. I said no.

 

I guess the only good thing I can say about this episode is that it did not bother me as long as it normally does...

[PB]

Hello

 

I thought I'd pass along a little update on my situation. I've shared an office with someone for the last 7 years. Four of those years we were romantically involved until earlier this year when we broke up over a 3rd party coming into the picture (someone she is currently dating).

 

Rather than quit my job, I chose to stay here and tough it out even though it's been difficult to work with her so closely each day.

 

A long time employee recently announced her resignation and within the next month or so, her office will become available.

 

My ex and I discussed this the other day--that this is our opportunity to go our separate ways. If you read some of my other posts, we have avoided these opportunities in the past because we were so close to each other.

 

A day or so ago, I notified management that I want to move to the new office (if they keep it a 1 person office and do not divide it).

 

I told my ex this morning that I did this. She got all quiet and I could tell that we were both on the verge of getting very sad about the whole thing.

 

I had a meeting to go to so it sort of prevented us from talking about it.

 

Even though I know it will be better in the long run for us to separate like this, it still makes me very sad. It's almost like going through the breakup again. We became friends because of our proximity to each other and that's also how we fell in love.

 

We will still run into each other a fair amount but not like we currently do.

 

Yesterday, she heard me talking to the car service department about my car being in the shop. In the past, she would always give me a ride there if I needed it. After I got off the phone, she came over to my side of the office and asked me if I needed a ride. I told her that I would call the courier guy to pick me up.

 

She said that it would give her pleasure to give me a ride. I politely declined. She later sent me an email saying that for me to not ever hesitate to ask for her help and that she hoped that she could count on me in a pinch too.

 

Oh well... I'm starting to ramble.

[lightn]

PB:

 

All I can say you are one tough cookie to hang on this long. I applaud you for it. That is good that you are willing to make the changes to better yourself. I know it was tough but you had to do it. I am surprised by now you have not decided to leave. I did finally but that was a small factor with my ex and the big one was the way they treated me and when I found out that she was with someone that was the day I walked away. However it took her only 6 weeks for her ask about me to someone.

 

FOr your ex even to ask for her to be counted on she knows that as evervday goes by or when you move to the new office if you do that she is losing you. That is why she emailed you so in hopes you will bite and I guess you did not. You did well. Keep up the good work. Now you will not always be around and the less around the better and then she can see what she really lost. It sometimes take that to see that for a long time.

Keep us posted.

[PB]

Thanks for the reply lightn.

 

I know you have your own issues to deal with, so it's nice of you to take time and give thought to some of mine...

 

My ex and I had about a 3 hour conversation after work 2 nights ago. We have not been talking at all, but I guess her persistence in trying to be friendly sort of broke down my resolve to keep my distance from her.

 

I don't know whether this is good or bad for me to have talked that long with her. She came to my office and said that she had something to tell me and she didn't know if it would make me mad or not.

 

A group of 10 folks including her and bf were going to a sports event. I had the opportunity to go too but I did not buy a ticket (did not want to be around them).

 

She said that bf might not be able to make it because he was out of town. She knew I would have gone other than for her & bf, so she asked me if I was interested in taking bf's ticket. She said that if I didn't take it then she would know that I was not going because of "her" not because of "her & bf".

 

Well, this ticked me off big time and she could tell that she probably should end the conversation. I had to go pick up my car but when I got back to the office she was still there. I told her that I was positive that I was not interested in going. She got her feelings hurt and said that she knows now that I'm not going because of "her" not because of being uncomfortable around her & bf.

 

I'm like, "duh", why do you think I've barely been speaking to you for the last few months? You told me long ago when I expressed anger at new bf that I should not be mad at him that I should be mad at you instead. Well, I still do have anger towards you (her). I asked her what was surprising about this?

 

Anyway, this sort of opened the door for more conversation and like I said, we probably talked for 3 hours. Much of it was rehashing of old issues. She apologized again for hurting me and asked me to forgive her for what she did.

 

I asked her point blank what it was that I was supposed to forgive her for? I said that ususally when someone asks for forgiveness it's because they've done something they regret and one of the steps to forgiveness is to quit doing that thing that you are asking forgiveness for.

 

In other words, if she's asking me to forgive her for falling in love with another guy, then I don't think I owe her any forgiveness. She did exactly what she wanted to do and I don't think she regrets her course of action. She only regrets that I got hurt over the whole thing.

 

For me to be in a place of "forgiving" her, I told her that she would have had to shown me some "actions" not just words back when it first happened. My feeling is if she were truly sorry and had respect at all for our relationship, she would have ended things with new bf and made an accepted my desire to see if we could work things out.

 

If she had done that then I could see how I would have been in a position to have to "forgive" her if I wanted to continue the relationship.

 

Instead, she continued to deepen her relationship with new bf.

 

Then we got into a deeper discussion about how we're both more or less lousy at relationships and how we fell in love with each other because we both had "holes" in our lives. She was coming out of a long term marriage that had ended, and I had not even dated anyone in a couple of years.

 

We talked about how we were totally wrong for each other, etc... I reminded her about the fact that I was all worried about our differences from the very start but that she "pooh-poohed" all of that as me trying to analyze things too much. Every time I was to the point of thinking about ending it, she would reel me back in.

 

I think her loving attention finally convinced me that I would be foolish to let go of her--so, I stayed.

 

Of course I realize now that she gives so much attention because she is terrified of being alone and she bonds people to her that way.

 

We discussed all of these tendencies about ourselves and more. I guess before it was over, I was less angry at her (I'm sure that has been part of her goal).

 

The next day, we talked a little instead of ignoring each other. I told her that I appreciated her persistence in trying to reach out bridge the gap between us.

 

I'm still wavering about whether or not it's easier to be cold and indifferent towards her or whether it does me good to discuss this kind of stuff with her.

 

I know I'm not entirely "over her" yet even though logically I can give a long laundry list of reasons why we're unsuited for each other. I guess that big hole in my life that caused me to fall in love with her is still there.

 

I've got to figure out a way to fill that hole that does not involve falling back in love with her or anyone else for that matter.

[lightn]

Your welcome PB. I appreciate your time in answering back.

 

I am barley hanging in there with my own issues but that is another story and I am sure you have seen my posting.

 

As for your discussion, your right if she wanted to be sorry and forgive she would want to dump her recent guy and try to work things out with you. True why forgive her since she is the one who hurt you. One thing is for sure try not to give so much info on you and she is trying to find out on that. She is keeping you as a security blanket and working together is the hardest thing. I know I have been there.

 

You are doing the right thing even though you feel you want to fall back and say everything is cool. It is not. So she needs to accept it that she hurt you and let it be instead of trying to patch things up. It is just guilt and when you forgive her she will be talking about her new boyfriend on what she did etc. That is something you don;t want to hear.

 

You did good in not accepting that invite. I know you love her and it is hard. I mean what if you did the same thing, she would be hurt also but I guess some women dont; see it that way but maybe she is starting to wake up and see. Why ask you to go with her if her boyfriend is out of town. She should go by herself or with another girlfriend.

 

There is no doubt you will always love her and piece of her. You choose who to love. You wear your heart on your sleeve like me. Even though me and my ex have been broken up for a year now and no contact for 2 months I still care and will always. I really dont think I can even love someone and If I do I will be extremely cautious on opening up again. I will be closed down due to the hurt.

 

I think you will do the same, but you will have to take your time. Again you did the right thing but also keep doing the cold shoulder. Sure she will not like it but the longer the silence the more it will bother her. I mean she makes an effort to do it if after a few days or weeks. She still wants to be part of your life but you don;t because of the hurt and I don;t blame you at all.

 

The smart thing is the office thing. That would be better but still even then if you don;t get it just do the cold shoulder. I would have an attitude why should you care and she should not care and I would throw it back to her and say if it is about work related you will talk if not then forget it. YOu don;t want to hear it and she may keep asking and you just say remember you broke it off. It might even take her a couple of years to see wow what a good guy you were and wake up and then make an attempt but who knows.

 

Ok so you both had holes to fill and you had no time to work out the issues but you do and she has not since she went to another guy. That will probably bite her in the butt. You are trying to heal and with her there it is hard. Even though I am away from my ex I am probably moving closer in the area where she lives so eventually we would probably bump into each other.

 

You have the power to control and I think being cold is the best way unless it is work releated stuff. I think you are going to need to tell her that and if she ask why remind her. I really don;t think she is over you at all. You are always around.

 

Does she call you? I am sure she has tried to invite you too lunch has she? If she has don;t accept. The same with the bday if it is coming up don;t do anything but I am sure if you don;t do anything she will get mad.

 

That is my 2 cents and I hope I have helped.

[PB]

Your welcome PB. I appreciate your time in answering back.

 

I am barley hanging in there with my own issues but that is another story and I am sure you have seen my posting..

 

I am sorry that you are so depressed. I have only given the briefest hints of it here, but I too struggle with some of the drastic "end it all" type thoughts that permeate some of your posts.

 

There are very few days that the thought doesn't at least drift through my mind. Then there are the bad days when the thoughts don't just drift through but linger there for long periods of time.

 

So, I know a little about what you are experiencing.

 

And it's not just about being rejected by someone you love, but that seems to be a powerful trigger to get the downward spiral started.

 

It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy if you let it. (And I admit that I've let it control me to a degree that I'm not happy with). The more you think about "ending things", the less important the future becomes. As the future loses its importance, you care less and less about doing things in the present that might make your future better (you let your work slide, you don't take care of yourself well, etc...).

 

Pretty soon, many of the things that could have helped you to enjoy a better future and bring you out of your depressed state are becoming sources of depression themselves. You start to see unhappiness in places that you never even gave much thought to before. Things that would not have bothered you before now become further indication that you are on a bad streak of no return. Then you have so many things in your life that are causes for concern, it's too overwhelming to consider changing everything. It just seems easier to end it rather than changing.

 

I hope you will agree with me that we can control some of this negative spiral if we can learn some better coping skills and start choosing to apply them. I don't really want to die, and I don't believe that deep down you want to either.

 

I hope to be doing much better a year from now. I hope you can look at this way too.

[lightn]

And it's not just about being rejected by someone you love, but that seems to be a powerful trigger to get the downward spiral started.

It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy if you let it. (And I admit that I've let it control me to a degree that I'm not happy with). The more you think about "ending things", the less important the future becomes. As the future loses its importance, you care less and less about doing things in the present that might make your future better (you let your work slide, you don't take care of yourself well, etc...).  

 

Yes right now everything looks bleak but the main discussion on your site is your ex. I hope I have helped in that matter and again you are doing well in keeping it under control. Even though you heard her out but still it does not change things because of the feelings.

 

Yes my negative is there and right now I don;t fee it is getting better but at least you are the stronger one. Again I tried with my ex for a year being there and it hurt too much. Still I think of her often still and you would think I would be better but again right now for her to see me in what kind of state I am in would not be right. I am a mess.

 

 

Pretty soon, many of the things that could have helped you to enjoy a better future and bring you out of your depressed state are becoming sources of depression themselves. You start to see unhappiness in places that you never even gave much thought to before. Things that would not have bothered you before now become further indication that you are on a bad streak of no return. Then you have so many things in your life that are causes for concern, it's too overwhelming to consider changing everything. It just seems easier to end it rather than changing.

 

I hope you will agree with me that we can control some of this negative spiral if we can learn some better coping skills and start choosing to apply them. I don't really want to die, and I don't believe that deep down you want to either.

 

I think you will be better in a year but the feelings will be there but the more you work with her the harder it will be able to heal. I know looking for a job will be rough but you have to stick it out like you have been.

 

Again I do admire you in what you are doing. I wish I could have done it but I could not because they were treating her and again when I found more info on her that was the last straw but then again it took her only 6 weeks to ask about me. Again I am sure down the road she will contact me but who knows. She may have to figure this out herself.

 

Again thanks for your response.