Totally confused -- urgent replies

[The_Doc]

Ok totally confused need help

 

My ex came back for this wedding we were both invited to (she was bridesmaid). We met for coffee on Wednesday where she asked me a lot of questions about the newbie I had started dating.

 

At the time I asked her is he was seeing anyone and she said 'no'. I also learnt from a mutual friend that she was a bit shocked by the fact I was dating again even though she put on a brave face for me.

 

Now post wedding (sat) i drove her to the airport -- we had a 2nd break-up talk, lots of emotion and tears and she said we both needed to NC for a while but that she wanted to remain great friends.

 

She then breaks this immediately texting me last night saying how it hurt her to see me hurting and that she wanted to know I was ok etc.

 

I then found out today (not from her) that she is dating some guy and I am totally confused!!!!

 

Why lie to me?

 

She wants me to move on and stop loving her, she wants us to keep a friendship -- so why hide this info from me?? Knowing she is dating some guy adds even more finality and closure to the current relationship between us which is what she wants. Surely i gave her an easy opening to tell her??

 

Please let me have your thoughts on this as I am utterly confused by her responses and reactions.

[Liquidius]

I think she was expecting you to say no, and still be hurt and upset about her. Then she found out you have moved on, and is trying to do everything in her power to upset you, and make you realise what you're missing.

 

Don't let her - you're doing really well She's basically just being a pain, and wants your attention.

 

Well, 'tis what I think!

[The_Doc]

But she didn't ask me...

 

Before she came back last Wednesday I called her on the Tuesday to ask her if she still felt the same way about everything.

 

She said yes.. so I told her about the newbie.

 

Then when she got here and we met for coffee she asked loads of questions about this girl. When I asked her if she was seeing anyone she told me 'No, only relationship I have is with my laptop'. I just don't understand the need to hide this anymore. She says she wants me to move on and feels after my display of emotions at the wedding that I am not but then keeps this from me!! Why?

[coolchick]

She texted you to tell you that she hated seeing you hurting, maybe that was the reason she didnt tell you about dating another guy? She sounds as tho she does honestly still care about you and maybe asking questions about the newbie to make sure that its someone that will take care of you and make you happy. Anyways, the relationship with the new guy may still be in early days and she's taking things really slow and not telling everyone about it. Take things a day as it comes. If she wants back then she will tell you or give you signs. Dont over analyse everything coz its only going to make your head and heart hurt and prevent you from ever moving on. Take care x

[heloladies21]

It doesn't matter why she lied, she just lied. Relationship is over and has been for some time, she has a new man, you have a new girl. I don't see any reason for any further contact. Cut her off for good so you can heal for real.

[The_Doc]

Heh can I get some female perspectives on this please?

 

This has been freaking me out all night.... why continue to lie after I had told her I was seeing someone....

 

my other fear is that the new guy might not be so 'new' and that she may have been in the early stages of something when she broke the relationship off in April. Although my 'source' cannot confirm this and there is little evidence of this...

 

Also on the 'I want to be special friends thing' -- do women really mean this or do they do this simply to salvage a safety net in the unlikely event she thinks in the future that she has messed up?

 

I haven't been this low in weeks

[btbt]

She sounds like she is confused and doesn't know what she wants from you or from her new boyfriend. Maybe she hid the info about her new boyfriend because she wanted you to still think that she was available and keep your strong feeilngs for her. Maybe she isn't really into the guy or is planning on breaking up with him so she doesn't think it's important to mention. You'll never know -- why don't you just ask her (unless you don't want to break the NC). But don't torture yourself by trying to guess and psychoanalyze. Figure out why this bothers you and if you really need to know ask, but if you can live with it move on.

 

Don't have an answer for the special friends question. I imagine women do it for the same reason as men -- to have a sense of intimacy without the commitment, and yes a safety net, which really isn't fair to you.

[The_Doc]

More baffled daily...

 

Just got an SMS from her (she insisted on NC on Sunday) telling me that her 'other' mobile phone is now active again so I can contact her on that!

 

She even ended the message with a X --- something she hasn't done in weeks and weeks!

 

I have absolutley no idea what to make of any of this!

 

Help!

[Jai]

Ok so what I'm getting from this is either shes still single and has told your source that shes seeing someone knwingly knowng that you use that source so that you feel jealous and she can read what your like with her seeing someone .... Or these other guys are right, shes just started seein this guy its nothing serious so there for nothign to bring up. My ex bf and I still have lots of contact and I know that I want us back, and I know he does to but hes afraid that he wont be able to make be happy, so to keep himself from me he got a gf and let her move in (which isnt gonna be his gf for much longer things are getting pretty bad between them) but I know when I started seein my newbie I never told J about him cause in my heart I new there wouldnt be anything come of it. My newbie was just to spend time with hoping that J would see how good things were with us as a couple and come back to our relationship. When J found out about the newbie he was all upset and outta wack and thats how I knew he still thought about me and even wanted me still. Us girls that really care about the guys we were with dont spill our guts and beg for our guys to come back we do silly things to see the reactions we get and if we get the right reaction we know ...... and your girl may be sayin she feels the same way........ I believe one of the guys earlier is right in saying shes confused and she doesnt wanna step back into you and her again until shes sure...... Trust me my ex is doin the same thing he keeps me close cause he doesnt want us to disappear he wants to come back but I have told him she has to be out of his house and out of his life for good......I have been hangin in for 4 months now and letting my heart go in the right direction it feels it should go, and hes slowly commin back......the thing is if you wanna move on you need to have NC and you need to tell her that, and then do it, whether she wants to be special friends or not ......... if you both stil have feelings the friends thing wont work trust me on that ........ and yes we can and do want to still be friends with exs especially of the break up was civil but in the same respect we cant be special friends instantly it takes time to adjust. If your heart wants to move on cut all ties if you still love her and shes asking a hundred and one questions chances are shes jealous right now and comparing herself to the new girl..... I mean come on who are we kidding women do that all the time...... I did it with my exs gf and I'm way better on all aspects lol I know your confused but for now step back and if she keeps breakin her rules its cause she doesnt wanna lose you.

I told my ex no contact and the odd time I'd break it cause I thought I might lose him and hell hes on the verge of breaking up with his newbie and I said no you and me together for even so much as an ice cream until shes out of your life and I went and picked him up for ice cream last night so think it over........ its your choice, do you still love her? and want her?is this new girl just someone to pass time ? or are you ready to move on? if so cut all contact dont respond to her if she texts you /

Goodluck

Jai

[The_Doc]

well i got a 2nd SMS 2 hours later asking me how I was -- ha Doh! How does she think.

 

Then coincidence or not her best friend calls me about 20 minutes to see how I was!

 

I decided to send a reply about 3 hours after the second message asking her why she was so concerned about me.

 

She said it was because I looked terrible when she saw me last and it hurts her to see me hurting.

 

Find it all baffling -- it was her who made the point on Sunday in 'the talk part two' that we should not contact each other much for a few weeks or months and we should use IM or email as other forms were too personal.

 

Of course Im hurt what does she expect. I suppose all Im getting from her is her guilty conscience.