i'm so confused

[zelgadis]

i don't know what to say first.

i feel very uncomfortable doing this, and i'm not the greatest with speaking about my feelings. i don't want to sound high and mighty, but i don't want to be here. but the fact is...i'm desperate. i no longer no what to do. the only person i can speak to doesn't listen, and it seams she doesn't care. i don't talk with others about my feelings, it's not that i am trying to avoid the problem, i just don't like talking about it with others...maybe i'm afraid of their judgement, or maybe i just don't want to admit to them that there's a problem.

anyway. i suppose i better give you some background information. i'm 19, and she is 15. i also stay with her family (not as a freeloader, i pay my share of the bills). now i don't want you to think what most people think when they hear these ages. because that's not me. you may not believe me, and there's nothing i can do to change your opinion, i suppose, but it sickens me. this world greatly sickens me. from sex to drugs and drinking; greed and violence to arrogance and snobbiness. it all just sickens me. and perhaps this is part of the problem. for one, she wants to be a singer. but she sings filth songs like gretchen wilson about drinking and partying. i can't bare to hear the songs. and she knows it. but she doesn't care. all she seems to focus on now is becoming famous, and i no longer seem to hold a place in her life. i'm like a doll that she can just toss aside when she's done playing. she always seems to have time for other things. singing, going out, talking on her cell phone, even eating and sleeping. for example, there have been numerous times when she claims to be too tired to talk to me, but then her phone rings, or someone text messages her, and she's filled with new life. i moved in with her family to be closer to her. and for awhile that was true, but these past 6 months have been different (i've been here almost 2 years). the past 6 months she has little to do with me and everything to do everyone else. she often breaks her promises to me, she puts everything else before me, and she doesn't care about my feelings...and whenever i try to talk to her about things, she says she doesn't have time, or she's not in the mood, or she'll act like she's sorry, but then she never changes. i've tried just about everything i can possible think of. i just don't know. perhaps we got involved when she was too young, and she may have thought she wanted a relationship with me, but now maybe she has come to realize different. perhaps it was truly a mistake, and maybe i'm selfish for wanting to be with her. but it is in fact my deepest desire. she means everything to me. i gave up going to college, because i would be some 700 miles away, and i knew what that would do to a relationship. and i've put so much aside just to be with her and to make her happy. and for the longest time things were good (not perfect, but still very good). but now i seem to be losing myself. my mind is filled with so much confusion. leaving her is NOT an option. i want to be with her until my death. but then, i don't know what else to do.

[Shadows Light]

15 is very young for a young lady. And you moved in 2 years ago.. that would have made her 13 years old. Lots of growing left to do...mentally, physically and spiritually.

 

Obviously you have a job and that is how you are able to pay the bills and not be a burden in this household. I applaud you for that.

 

Have you thought about your future? Not your love life...but your future. You said you gave up on college to be with her. Is there a community college near-by?

 

I'm a big advocate of education. You can't go wrong by educating yourself if you have the chance. If your grades were good in HS and you have a particular interest you'd like to follow.

 

My suggestion to you is to get busy trying to "LIVE"... and by that I don't mean just your love life. Start building goals for yourself...what do you want to do. What do you want to have. Where do you see yourself in 5 years...and how are you going to get there.

 

To often, people fall in love and forget that they are separate entities. They begin living for each other and get so wrapped up in one another they forget to "live" forget to grow themselves. Then when one descides its time to grow or find other interests. The one left behind feels jilted and abandoned.

 

I think that is kind of describing what is happening to you. She's growing up darlin. I'm not saying she's losing interest in YOU...but she's growing up in other ways. Long term this may or may not include you.... time will tell.

 

Give her the room to grow-up. Give her the room to be a teenager. And you, find something to get busy with. Other than being pre-occupied with your girlfriend. You might find that it may alleviate some of the anxiety you are feeling. And many new and exciting doors will begin to open up for you.

 

Whats that old adage about "if you love something...set it free..." If you love her... you'll let her grow-up into the young lady she was meant to be.

[btbt]

I second Shadows Light. I always tell my friends (and try to follow this advice myself) is that you unless you are married, you should avoid making huge decisions (where to live, what job to take) based on a relationship. Some people might strongly disagree, but I don't think I'm being cynical when I say that if you put ALL your hopes in a person, that person will disappoint you (even if you are married). This is not to say that your partner shouldn't factor into your decision -- it may not have been right for you at the time to move 700 miles away from college, but that doesn't mean you have to give up college all together. As Shadows Light suggested, you can go to college nearby so that you have something for yourself so that your energies, hope and esteem are located in yourself and not just your partner. The best relationships I've seen (married or not), is when both partners have rich, fulfilling individual lives that they can share with each other, but also gives them happiness in their own right.

 

Best of luck. This girl does sound like she's going through a lot of changes that makes it hard for you esp. if you are in love, but keep an eye out for yourself. You're still young and life is long and full of rewarding experiences -- don't let them pass you by!

[avman]

I think you are encountering one of the significant challenges of an age gap relationship - maturity. It is clear that this girl you are interested in is simply not ready for a relationship. At least, not with you. You are reflecting on the world and preparing to enter the adult world. She is still a teenager and basically a child. She has a lot of growing up to do and a lot of stuff to sort out.

 

Her interests will change like the wind (which is totally normal for a teenager) and those interests include you my friend. One day you will be totally important to her. The next day she won't need you. Such is the way it goes. She has just not learned yet how to have a mature romantic relationship.

 

Shadows Light has some very prudent advice. Focus on yourself and what your goals, hopes, and dreams are. Do not give them up for a girl who really has a lot of growing up to do.