not sure,just need advice

[sara-pezzini]

hello all,

Don't know if this is the right place to post this....

I have a (sort of)boyfriend,there are many issues between us but that is too much to get into right now,but I have very,very strong feelings for him,and he feels the same way about me,and we are in a sort of relationship but for now without the intimacy.

 

Which brings me to my question...I have many reasons for believing that he has been sexually abused as a child,he hasn't really said it but hinted about it,and I know that for guys it is even more difficult to talk about..

 

So what can I do?how can I get him to open up?How can I let him know that I am there for him,that he can trust me,that I won't judge him and so on...He has all the signs of PTSD,and I have found out that when I come too close,he backs off,so I don't want to scare him away or be too direct,but how do we get that trust between us that he needs to talk about it?

 

Do any of you here have experience with guys who have been abused??

The story is a bit complicated,I know and I'm sorry,don't know how to write it more clearly.

 

anyway thanks in advance for any thoughts or suggestions....

[DN]

Part of the key to getting him to trust you enough to open up to you may be in properly defining your relationship. What does sort-of-boyfriend mean?

 

People confide differently to people close to them depending on whether they are friends or lovers/partners. If your relationship is unclear, it may inhibit him from knowing how to confide in you.

 

Also, if you have unresolved issues that may also inhibit.

 

Beware of blaming issues between you on unknown external forces or events. Sometimes it is just about how you relate to each other and the solution lies in resolving the immediate issue rather than looking for other explanations.

[sara-pezzini]

well sort of boyfriend means that he knows about my feelings for him and I know about his feelings for me,but he needs time and space right now,he has told me that he wants a friendship first and then when we get to know each other better build it into a relationship...he is afraid of the intimacy part,even kissing...and he doesn't let people get close to him.

 

He has called himself my boyfriend that is why I also call it that,but it's not yet a real relationship.....and I know that this will take a lot of time,but I just wanted some people with experience in this,to let me know how the best way to proceed is...I've never had these strong feelings for anyone,so I don't want to get to carried away and in my enthousiasm scare him off.....

 

I know that there is a huge taboo on men being sexually abused,so I just wanted some ideas on how to handle this.

[DN]

One way to get people to open up to you is to open up about yourself. If he can see that you trust him enough to share very personal things with him he may feel able to reciprocate. Start of with smaller things that are not so traumatic and slowly build the level of trust.

 

But remember that not everyone finds benefit in talking about these things.

[sara-pezzini]

thanks for the advice,and very true also....

 

Also I have a "secret"that I cannot talk about,to anyone,but I do have the feeling that I can tell him and that he will understand and be sweet about it,but I want more closeness before I tell him.....so that probably answers my own question something to think about...............